but then my homework was never quite like this
I like to think I'm one of those people who could be called a 'life long learner.' Always interested in new things. Nodding my head in agreement and hoping you won't ask me questions before I can get away if you're telling me something I simply can't grasp. Not confusing me with your wacky code talk. Soaking in knowledge from the Discovery Channel (lesson - dirty men are hot!) and Glamour magazine (lesson - everyone really can look great in the right shade of red lipstick), I simply drink in knowledge with an unquenchable thirst.
That approach would be messy and kind of slurpy.
This same insatiable curiosity is also akin to the way I approach sex (What's that? Where's the 'mommy blogger' you ask? Tied up in the corner). However, as I tried to achieve a delicate balance of sex and learning Monday evening, I realized I'm something of a teacher. If you're the least bit interested, check out my lesson plans:
- Time Management & Organization - Technically not a class, but a good student knows you have to be proficient to succeed. To that end, I gave myself 1/1/2 hours to get ready for work Monday night. This included showering, putting on make up and finishing up. Incorporating stellar time management skills, minus dressing, I was done in 40 minutes. With that in mind, I thought, "Hey, girl! What do you want to do with this extra time?" Answers A,B,C and D were "Have sex!" Woo-hoo!
- Math - Girl A finishes her shower and work prep with 50 minutes to spare. Eliminating 10 minutes for making a sandwich to take to work because she'll be skipping dinner with her family if all goes as planned, and figuring the average duration of sex Girl A has with Husband B can fall between 37 and 75 minutes, minus 8 minutes of random foreplay and 3.24 minutes to work out any kinks, how much time does Girl A have to bust one out before going to work?
- Economics - Today, class, we'll be covering the most basic concepts of our market economy - supply and demand. Because it's not often I'm down for a pre-work roll, I was harboring a supply just slightly above fair market value. So I needed to see if the demand for it was there. Thus I stepped, naked, out of the bedroom, into the hall, and called down the staircase to my husband.
- Speech - In the hall, doing little to cover up, I practiced a variety of inflections to attract my husband's attention. Sexy? Always (even if it's not part of the speech curriculum). Earnest? Good. Demanding? Needs work. Curious? Very good! Even better as I began to wonder what was taking him so long to respond.
- Anatomy - Before we start, class, please welcome our newest student - my oldest son's neighborhood friend! Unbeknownest to me until he bounded up to our kitchen, landed at the bottom of our staircase and turned his gaze up to me, we had company! As our eyes briefly locked and I exclaimed something profound like "OH! OH!! HEY!" I became the naked woman hereafter hoping to be known in the teacher's lounge as Mrs. "Please Jesus, don't let that kid have seen my boobs! And Dear God! Not that, either!" Good times.
- Fire Alarm - Or maybe it was the random screams of a thousand terrified moments flooding my brain as I realized what had just happened. Taking cover behind the locked door of my oldest son's bedroom, crouched down low to the floor, all I know was the voices were trying to consume me as I whispered affirmations. Kind of like my high school science teacher did right before having a nervous breakdown. But minus the nudity and boob talk, which I still clearly was sporting.
You'd probably think that would be the end of the school day around here. Ha! You'd be wrong! My husband finally arrived to give me the all clear, and a quick check of the clock showed 25 minutes still available to the point of the day's lesson. So I offered him a quick review and suggested he pay attention to the next block of subjects:
- Government - What can your governing body offer my governing body that helps both governing bodies achieve a favorable and peaceful outcome? Weapons? No time. Peace accords? Whisper them in my ear and we'll see how times plays out.
- Art - The naked body is truly the world's best artistic canvas. Or something. I'm not really poetic like that. But I trust you all know what I mean and will have no trouble with the test.
- English/Literature - You want an example of how unpoetic I am? So much so that I'm not even sure 'unpoetic' is a valid word. But rather than dwell on that, please review the following and then prepare a paper for me by Friday outlining the fundamental flaws in the following - "Jack and Jill went up the hill to bust a little tail."
- Biology - Finally! My favorite class! After all that effort, the time to get up close and personal in the study of organisms or groups of organisms has arrived! After a brief review of economics (would there be bartering involved in this exchange?) and government (who would jockey for ultimate control?), pencils were sharpened and overheads prepared for note taking. Or something like that. Irregardless, this class was the one to pay attention in. Participation was 80 percent of the final grade.
What's good about my approach to learning is I'm clearly not hard nosed. It's all about just taking in the lessons where and when I can (like in that 15 minutes we had left for the actual sex). And I flash boob, so I figure that maybe keeps a few people in the back row attentive. Not the least of whom I assume is my neighbor kid, considering how he looked at me yesterday morning when he stopped by prior to going to his actual school.
Now, if no one has any questions, study up. First test on Friday. Or not. I may be busy after all. Time management is so very important.