Um, what are you doing here? Seriously, don't you know it's a holiday week? Don't you have some turkeys to stuff? Some thanks to give? No one's really around this week, you know that, right? Heck, even I'm not here. I'm busy busting my retail rump, providing the best customer service you've ever had. I'm talking the kind that makes you hunt down a manager just to tell them about the awesome woman in the children's department who helped you find all the books you wanted AND talked you into purchasing a tremendous amount of gift cards. You're welcome. I'm here for you.
Because of that, I'm not here. At least not completely. I decided to stop through and drop an oldie but a, well, oldie on you from a couple years ago. Remember a couple years ago? Time flies, eh? It's creepy, honestly, the way it does. Even creepier is how you get a sense of deja vu about it, like I did this week when my mom let me know what I could contribute to our family's Thanksgiving meal.
Did you guess deviled eggs?
The list of things I have never done is rather diverse. I have never:
- jumped out of an airplane
- run with the bulls
- swam in shark-infested waters
- snorted cocaine off the rippled belly of a supermodel
- sung in public
- used the phrase "True dat!" in conversation (although I think I recently used it in a comment I left on someone else's blog, and if that's the case and that person found it either ironic and/or humorous, then I might consider incorporating it into actual conversation)
- dined with royalty
- broken a man's heart
- pulled off a heist
Pretty diverse, eh? I know. I look at that list and think how amazing my life really is, even though I've never done any of those things. I do actually think I have broken a man's heart before, but the dude in question refuses to admit it, thinking it's cool to have this big strong man demeanor, but whatever. I believe he misses me, and really, sometimes what I make up in my head is all that matters.
Also on the list of things I've never done?
Deviled an egg!
But guess what! This morning, I have to do just that, and not just one egg. No. I have to devil 24 eggs for the Thanksgiving meal my family foisted itself upon. Have you ever Googled the recipe for deviled eggs? There are more than 2 million entries! My Tool Man (his heart - completely intact) looks up from one of the 2 million Facebook games he plays and says, "How hard can it be. Some mustard. Some mayo. There you go." Well, well, well. Check out the Iron Chef over there. However, have you ever tasted his recipe for Jell-O? I suggest you rub your distended belly and say you're full as you back away from the buffet line. Easiest thing to prepare in the world, and I've watched him get confused pondering the one cup hot, one cup cold guidelines.
So I'm on the hunt for a classic deviled egg recipe. I refuse to ask my Mom for her recipe, because she will make fun of me. I can hear her now. "You're 41 years old and you've never made deviled eggs? Who raised you? Wolves? Hell, I bet you can't even make Jell-O, can you?" To which I would respond, meekly, "I make Jell-O better than you, woman!" before running to my bedroom, slamming the door, and turning the volume on my stereo super loud so my Journey Escape album would drown out the sound of my tears.
Here's what I've learned while browsing a handful of the millions of recipes. Deviled eggs should not have meat, barbecue seasoning, pickles, or cheese in them. To all of you who think these would be a treat, I ask why? The thought alone makes me shudder. I simply want mustard, mayo, and maybe (if I remember to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work tonight) a sprinkling of paprika.
Actually, what I wouldn't mind is just having my Mom make them because her recipe is pretty damn good, but I refuse to admit defeat. Only so many tears you can cry, right Steve Perry? Sigh....
I wrote this post almost exactly two years ago, and guess what I've STILL never done? Made deviled eggs! After I wrote this, I apparently convinced my mom to take over production of my first attempt, and my inquiries into what I could contribute to later family meals have been ignored, or resulted in me bringing just my smiling face (which is delicious, btw). But this year, the deviled egg request has returned! Will this be the year I step up to the plate with my platter? Possibly not. My mom's already volunteered to make them if I simply boil a couple dozen. However, I may surprise her. It may be two years before I let you know, though, so until then, Happy Thanksgiving, my fellow Americans, and to the rest of you? Enjoy your Thursday!.
Labels: every single one of us the devil inside