...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

i've got to keep control...

this can either be filed under the heading of "you're a control freak!" (cross-referenced with "can you just sit down and shut up already?") or "eh...at least we finally had sex again."

sunday afternoon, after a seduction move that played out a bit like this:

me (crawling up my semi-comatose husband, prone on the couch): "so, gov'nor...fancy a bit of a poke?"

husband: "ah, let us make haste to the sleeping chambers, wench!"

cut to the bedroom (after a stern talking administered to the boys, who were told we were going to be "napping" and that means please ignore us when we tell you to sit down, watch the next three - if i'm lucky - episodes of spongebob and don't make a sound). Twenty-some odd minutes into a spectacularly executed handjob (yeah, i'm a giver), the telephone rings, and without missing a beat, i unfurled the fingers of my left hand and reached over to grab the cordless from the nightstand, all while maintaining a hold with my right.

didn't even think twice.

obviously, i barely thought once.

the handjob continued up to the point i heard my mother's voice on the other end of the phone. after that, it's quite amazing i didn't burst into the teenage girl i was the time my mother found me entangled with a boy on the living room couch. flustered, embarrassed that i'd been touching 'things' and utterly unable to make eye contact with her piercing beams of scorn.

i actually laid there and talked to my freakin' mother! there was no "can i call you back in an hour or so, cause i'm gettin' some and it's been awhile." no "remember what sex is, mom? well before i forget, i really gotta end this call."

i laid there and listened to her tell me about her afternoon trip to a funeral visitation! for 20 minutes!

this should have been the mood dampening signal that there'd be no sex on this day set aside for rest and rejuvenation. the biggest clue ever that i obviously have issues with multi-tasking and perhaps i need to seek out a little help on how to stop and do one thing at a time and do it well before moving on to the next thing on my list.

however, bless him, my husband finally took it upon himself to distract me quite nicely with some mattress-gripping oral (and in case you're wondering, that's unusual here at our palace. um, the mattress-gripping part).

lucky for me a conversation with my mother involves a lot of "yes" and "uh-huh" comments, enhanced with the occasional "god." it was only afterward that i was freaked at the notion that my mother, unbeknownst to her, contributed to my sex life this weekend.

so, i suppose, all ends well that starts kind of well. sure, this wasn't enough for me to be able to quash my need to do 20 things at once. and ok, yes, i'm a smidge creeped out at the idea that i actually stayed on the phone with my mom during a sex act. but mattress-gripping, people. i needed to grip a mattress.

so, i'm partial to filing this under "eh...at least we finally had sex again," with a post-it noting the whole "control freak" reference on the file. i'll worry about the psychological impact of it all later.

like when my sister calls.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another impressive display of your kickassness.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006 3:30:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I'm very impressed that you can multitask! I would have been unable to turn my mind off long enough to enjoy myself while wondering what the little ones were up to, let alone talking on the phone with someone...yes, very impressive!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 2:43:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Yeah, but can you chew gum while you are doing that other stuff too?

I lust you!!!!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 4:57:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

impressive, very scary, but impressive

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 6:31:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

FL - thank you! of course, i'm always cognizent of the fact that with great power comes great responsibilty!

Nanette - ah, trust me, the boys DIDN'T sit down and hush. It was like Mardi Gras down there for them, minus the chicks flashing their boobs. that's not so easy for me to turn my mind off of!

Savage - oh, i'm sure i could chew gum at the same time...i'm just gonna need someplace to stick it as the festivities run their obvious course!

i live and breath you!!!

Ed - yes, as much as i impressed even myself, my mom has contributed enough to my sense of weorth over the years and this can either be a turning point or a jumping off point!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 9:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kickass to the 10th power, without a doubt :)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Hmm. Yeah, I'll have to go with the recommendation "Don't answer the phone during any sexual activity." That's why God invented answering machines.

It's slightly disturbing that your mind could actually get to the point where things were, um, mattress-gripping, especially with your mother talking in your ear about a funeral visitation.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 2:46:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

cat - ah, i'm casting demure eyes downward at that comment! though really, i should so just concentrate at the task at hand (cripes..so to speak!)

ftn - during last week's sermon when the pastor was talking about how god invented sex, he skipped that part about also inventing answering machines. that or he did say something and i was just too busy thinking about the sex part, in which case, i've got to start asking people to pray for me. first prayer should be guidance in how to look my mom in the eye tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 3:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang up the phone, girl! Blame a faulty connection if you have to, but let's get our priorities straight here.

Oral sex > Talking on phone with mother about funerals

Say it over and over again until you believe it!

Thursday, November 23, 2006 5:29:00 AM  
Blogger Digger Jones said...

What the hell is WRONG with you people!

OMG, this *totally* kicks ass! I mean this is like a super fantasy! It's been decades since I was able to distract a woman by giving her oral (I could stop right there) while she is talking on the phone with her mother! And about funeral visitations, no less!


somebody gotta TOWEL?!?

I guess it is just raising that naughtiness quotient through the roof, and the thing with the contradiction. I think it would be so cool if, like, your husband could condition certain physical responses triggered by your mother's voice on the phone through respondent conditioning.

Maybe he could get a grant.

Kick ASS!

okay, I'm a total (behavioral) perv

Friday, November 24, 2006 10:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I gotta admire your husband's spunk (uh, no pun intended), to go for the oral sex even while you're talking to your MOM on the phone. I hope you gave him proper credit for that bit of moxie.


Monday, November 27, 2006 1:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm reading this on the train in San Francisco years later. And facking crying laughing! You are a charm, you are. Thank you, I needed some joy this morning. :-)

Friday, September 16, 2011 11:25:00 AM  

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