...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

in which I pore my heart out. (you'll get it if you read it all)

Dear Universe,

The year was 1967. A young Iowa farm girl and a young Iowa town boy had married and made a home for themselves in a tropical land where palm trees and pineapple grow. "Ah...Hawaii!" friends of the young Iowa farm girl would say wistfully on the rare opportunities she had to speak with them. "Bah! Hawaii!" she would reply before launching into tales she speaks of yet today of snakes slithering up the pipes and pushing the toilet seat up to greet the human inhabitants and of creepy creatures "larger than cows!" crawling across the walls of their tiny home.

Oh, but it was their tiny home, and at the time, it was filled with love. So much love, in fact, that the young Iowa farm girl and the young Iowa town boy welcomed a baby into their hearts as November reached it's mid-point peak. "Just one child!" the young Iowa farm girl screamed between her upright knees as she peered down the delivery table toward the naval base doctor who, through diced English and a cigarette clamped between his teeth - though not necessarily in that order - insisted the young Iowa farm girl would be delivering twins.

Twin boys.

Between contractions and clashes, the child - unaccompanied - was born.

That child? A girl.

"Huh?" puffed the perplexed doctor from his vantage point through the young Iowa farm girl's upright knees at the end of the delivery table.

"Aha!" pointed the young Iowa farm girl who had just become a mother of one from between her upright knees - again - to the perplexed doctor.

That girl? Me.

Since that triumphant arrival, Universe, we've had some good times together, you and me. Two years spent pampered - literally - in paradise kept me away from the Snakes In The Toilet until the day the young Iowa farm girl and the young Iowa town boy packed me along on their homecoming journey to the heartland, and it was there with patience, love, guidance, and understanding the girl - me - grew up.

Oh, sure, Universe, we've had some tough times, starting with that interloper who invaded the home of the young Iowa farm girl, the young Iowa town boy, and their perfect paradise-born, Iowa raised princess when the princess was almost 3. They called her "Your sister!" and I greeted the sibling's arrival in a fashion typically reserved for - and thankfully outgrown of - the most distasteful of things - by vomiting repeatedly off the back steps. Eventually, we grew to love one another, the sister and I, but I must thank you, Universe, with gifting me with cheetah-like reflexes which came in handy when, as adults who, as they say, "Should know better," the sister chucked a steak knife at me from across the kitchen for reasons neither of us can recall now.

(Universe? I ABSOLUTELY can recall, but seeing as how you gave her the Hidden Dragon and me the Crouching Tiger, I figure it is best not to stir the pot, and I thank you for backing me up on that for the last 20 years)

There were boys who did not love us like we loved them, Universe, and jobs we wanted that did not work out. That's OK. I believe that is what's commonly referred to as Life Lessons, right Universe? Consider me magna cum laude, Universe! We've had our ups and our downs. We have had our dark days and our seemingly endless nights. There have been trials and there have been tribulations. Oh, yes, we have had our bumps in the road, haven't we, Universe?

Speaking of bumps, Universe, my friend, I have but one question for you. Did you happen to catch the part at the start of this letter to you where I mentioned the year - 1967? That means in just two weeks, I'll turn 42 years old, buddy. Yeah. Forty-two. I know! So my question is this -

WHY THE HELL AT NEARLY 42 YEARS OLD HAVE YOU GRACED ME WITH THE ACNE-RAVAGED CHIN OF A 15 YEAR OLD BOY??!?!

I'm not talking any standard issue pimple, either, Universe. No. These are some grade-A, hardcore beauties. Why, I quite imagine there are adrenaline-fueled adventurers out there this very minute scrapping plans to mount the Himalayas and instead are redirecting their Sherpas to prepare to ascend these pustules.

These eruptions are so inflamed that I think eruptions may very well be the best word for them for they, indeed, may be storing lava under there. They are so red that clowns first approach me in anger, assuming I have stolen their trademark red noses and attempted to adhere them to my tiny chin, but they are quickly turned away, embarrassed by their mistake, when they notice the tiny old men guiding mountain climbers up the Zitterhorn.

What's that? You want more, Universe? Get comfortable, because I've got a million of 'em!

(actually, chillax, it's just three)

These things are so huge and red NASA attempted to land an un-manned exploratory rover on my face until I swatted it away like some kind of King Kong!

They're so red and engorged my face looks like that of the Lord of Darkness from the most magnificent movie about unicorns and, well, I really don't know what else, of all time, Legend. "Was it not your sin that trapped the oil in your glands and killed the unicorn?" Ah, yes. Aside from Legend nerds, I may be the only person on earth who has mentioned this movie in two separate posts, Universe. You're welcome.

Finally, these zits are as angry, engorged and inflamed as the father character from the beginning of Twisted Sister's iconic video for We're Not Gonna Take It. "Who are you? Where do you come from? Was it because I ate too many fun size Butterfingers last week?"

(yeah, OK, that one was a little lame, I'll admit, Universe)

Anyway, I guess what I want to say is well damn done, Universe! Thank you for turning my chin into Kuato from Total Recall. I can think of absolutely nothing more sexy, or fair, as I approach my 42nd year.

Actually, I can. Chin hair. Ah, it's just a matter of time before you turn me into an elderly man, isn't it, Universe? Kudos.

p.s. - While I've got you here, Universe, can you tell me why it is I like this song? Because I do not wish to like this song, but every time it comes on the radio, my fingers are rendered incapable of doing anything other than turning the volume up. Yes, I do not want to like this song, but forces far greater than my own are making me, primarily by pinning me to the ground and tickling me until I beg for mercy. Or until someone experiences an unfortunate kick in the gonads.

Labels: , ,

37 Comments:

Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Lovely Ode to a Zit, FADOKG. I've crafted something similar to an errant nipple hair, but thought it was too much information.

I need to rethink it!

Monday, November 02, 2009 12:39:00 AM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

First of all, hello! Haven't been here to comment in forever!

I had the same thing happen to me a couple of months ago. Multiple zits on my face for the first time ever in my life...at the age of 41! Crazy isn't it?

Never heard the Fireflies song until now. I'm not sure if I like it or not yet. The video is cool with all the old toys and stuff, but a little creepy at the same time.

Monday, November 02, 2009 3:35:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

::sigh::
Just like when I was a kid and developed before any of my friends, the cuts started for me when I turned 35. The husband and I were at the grocery store when I squeled with happines because the Oxy was buy one get one free. I'm so afraid of what will happen to me in the next 3 years before I turn 40.

The husband on the other hand looks better and better as the years go by!

Monday, November 02, 2009 7:00:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I will be 35 in just under 2 weeks, and have for the first time in my life purchased a rash of acne products for the recent and unexpected war zones on my face. To any medicine cabinet snoopers, I am fully prepared to blame the cabinet full of teenage products on my teenage niece, who, you know, lives somewhere else. An hour away from said medicine cabinet.

Monday, November 02, 2009 8:28:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I have no advice on the acne, other than sometimes Neosporin helps, and use mederma on any scars after it heals. Oh, and invest in a good pair of tweezers and a hand mirror for the chin hairs. Do not bother with waxing strips or Nair. And don't ask me how I know that.

Monday, November 02, 2009 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

What'd you say you were? Almost 42? Hmmmmmm. . .

Hormones are wonderful things, aren't they?

'Course, it could be the Butterfingers. . .

Altho, what any of that has to do with having been born in Hawaii, or yer sister chucking a steak knife atcha, I have no idea. . .

Monday, November 02, 2009 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Yep, treat the acne as an infection. Use neosporin or even good old hydrogen peroxide.

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

(in best Kuato voice...)

"Open your pores! Oooooopen your pooooooooooores..!"


(by the by: my word verification is asifar, which I can only presume refers to the ass-end of Lucifer. thank you, universe.)

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I'm not even sure what to say to this post. But any post that has a Total Recall reference is worth commenting on.

An early happy birthday to you. Hope the candles on the cake don't burn the house down.

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:14:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

My wife grumbles too, "It's not fair. Gray hairs and zits, at the same damn time."

Universe does seem out to getcha, some days.

Word verification is ilsic? Maybe a new name for the pustules on a grownup, instead of zit?

"Do you have anything to clear up these ilsic?"

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:15:00 AM  
Blogger just making my way said...

I always know when I'm close to my period because of the damn zits. WTH?!?

I like the retro toys in that video. I'm going to refrain from commenting on the song...

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I hate when the universe punches us in the head. Good luck with the complexion from hell. I feel for ya. I have a small planet that just moved into the skin of my left temple. It's adorable!

Monday, November 02, 2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I don't have zits but I have had grey hair since I was 26. Not fun.

Monday, November 02, 2009 2:04:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

This was possibly the most hilarious ode to pustules that I have ever read. Or maybe just the only one I've ever read. Either way, it was funny.
I've never had a pimple problem..even as a teen. But I am fat and I have grey hair that is stealthily hidden by the blonde. I think I'd rather have the eruptions, but I totally get why they suck for you.

Hehe. My word verification is imPOPr....made me giggle.

Monday, November 02, 2009 2:10:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

I used to get those, till I realized a connection between them appearing and Chocolate a few days previous.
Yes, horrors of horrors, I found I was allergic to chocolate! Quit cold turkey and now many years past, occasionally i can have a piece, but if i over indulge, the zits come back!

Monday, November 02, 2009 7:26:00 PM  
Blogger tattytiara said...

My skin cleared up perfectly for a summer a couple of years back. I freaked out a bit that it was a sign of aging. The pimples came back around the same time I was confidently assured by multiple sources that oh no, you can definitely have pimples and wrinkles at the same time.

Blast it.

Monday, November 02, 2009 8:33:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Could just be the chocolate.

My trouble spot would be one giant one on my forehead so I'd look like Cyclops. Charming.

Sometimes the Universe can be a prick.

Monday, November 02, 2009 8:45:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I wish you would've told me u were writing to the Universe cause I want to know what the f with all the fing wrinkles? Huh? I wear sunscreen you moron so what is it? yeah, tell him I called hin a moron, the wrinkles are here to stay anyway

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:03:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

It's because that synth line sounds like background music to a John Hughes flick or something 80slicious.

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:32:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

For me, the height of unfair is zits, gray hair and "smile lines" all at the same time. I did not sign up for all crap at the same time.

And my verification is "snrcaltr" which is exactly what my comment feels like. It can apparently read my mood.

Monday, November 02, 2009 9:49:00 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

I was going to say something, then I forgot because somebody mentioned nipple hair.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 12:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

I will totally hold the Universe down while you kick him in the nuts.

Cause I am suffering the same fate, but alas, lack the story book childhood.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 2:19:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

It's all Seth's fault, you know. . .

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 5:29:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

yeah right???? it's just not fair, not fair at all. I'm fighting me some whitehead suckers--they came out of nowhere...

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 6:11:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

You are funny.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

over 40 and still buying zit cream for myself: check

receiving in the mail on the same day the SI swimsuit issue AND a lane bryant catalog: check

chin hair: check

a thickening moustache: check

ain't midlife grand?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 10:32:00 AM  
Anonymous b said...

I thank GOD for that Y chromosome nearly every day!

Not that I don't suffer from any of those things (chin hair, the zit that ate the Bronx, a disturbing love of totally wrong for me music, etc) but as a guy, do I really have to care? NO! HA!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

O.M.G. - how I DESPISE that song. I hurriedly clicked out of it when I saw the title!

I can't sympathize with the zits, but I have had a rash on my hand for 3 months now.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

This is all a con to get me to squeeze you in one way, shape or form, yes/

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 4:34:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Does the universe answer? Cause I wrote to them today, as well.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 8:09:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I'm with you on the zits and you know the universe is a vicious bitch because they are getting worse! Now I'm not only breaking out right before my period, I'm also breaking out right after I ovulate. Yeah. Fuck me now.

P.S. I also like that song. I think the zittage exempts us from having to dislike the teen tunes on principle.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009 10:41:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'm trying to imagine had you referenced Blixx...
"How dark are your blackheads?"

Black as midnight, black as pitch, blacker than the darkest witch.... lord.

Higher, higher, acne fire, making music like a choir....

You are still the lust of my heart....


It isn't funky cold but my word verification is medina

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 5:09:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

You know I'm a sucker for sister stories! Wonderful! Made me stop fussing over my backne and swoon.

Saturday, November 07, 2009 7:00:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Yes!
This middle aged acne is SO cruel. It's not my idea of looking young.
And apparently plucking those chin hairs makes it worse!
All that said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (in 2 weeks;)

Saturday, November 07, 2009 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

you know what's unfair...NOT having acne as a teenager...but, poof! hit thirty and HELLO ZITFACE.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Swirl Girl - Never shy away from great art!

Chrissy - Hey! Good to see you! I didn't like the song the first hundred times I heard it, but it grows on you. Like a zit. Only less annoying!

Bee - Oh, how I understand. The joy I felt when Clean & Clear was on sale AND I had a fantastic $1 off coupon!

Chasity - You're in good company, luv. My bathroom cabinet looks like a dermatologist's office, and I don't even have teenage nieces to blame it on!

Aunt Juicebox - This neosporin idea is a suggestion I've never heard of. It's now on my list!

Des - Hawaii just made this all sound much more exotic than it was!

Heather - I'm definitely going to try the Neosporin idea the next time these invade me.

TwoBusy - Asifar would be the perfect name for the ass end of Lucifer. Or a truly unfortunate name for a boy in your son's kindergarten class.

ftn - Your massive candle days are coming, my friend. Unfortunately, I'll be far too old to enjoy making fun of you when they do, but still...

Sailor - Life is a wee bit cruel as we get older. I won't even go into the moodiness that's sweeping through the house these days... :)

just making my way - Mine always strike a few days after it ends. Just when you think you're safe...

Meg - Sometimes one or two of mine will stick around so long I feel like I should name it since we've formed such a long-lasting relationship.

Tuesday Girl - Oh, the gray hairs...well, mine are currently hiding under a far too brown color that's wearing off quickly.

Mad Woman - Probably the most appropriate word verification for such a post topic ever!

Whitemist - I think much of what ails me would improve if I, too, fell allergic to chocolate!

tattytiara - Life is a cruel, backstabbing mistress sometimes.

Pat - Mine pops out in the same spot on my chin every time. Apparently it thinks I'll forget it and miss it when it goes.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 10:45:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

bernthis - And the brown spots! Seriously?! WTH, Universe?! I bathe in sunscreen and this is how you thank me?!

Chag - Did you just use the term '80slicious'?! ;) I think you're right, though.

laggin - I can hardly wait for the big jowls to appear so they'll fold over and hide the zits. Oh, yes, that will be so awesome!

creative-type dad - Some of histories best works have probably had to have been abandoned because of nipples.

Kelley - I'm glad we can agree that the Universe is a dude.

Des - Most things I go through fall at the feet of Seth.

Christina Lee - It's like waking up and getting a new present every day, isn't it. Only you hate it, and you can't return it because there's no receipt.

William - It comes and goes. :)

lime - Grand is one word for it. Gross is another. ;)

b - And that's just one of the many things that makes being a guy so awesome. Or so I hear!

Cocotte - I wanted to hate that song, but it became like a rash in my brain and I couldn't NOT like it after awhile!

Always Home and Uncool - You figured me out. I knew that you would! ;)

Vodka Mom - I'm still waiting for last month's issue of Glamour and a reply from the universe.

weirdgirl - Oh! I like your idea there about how we can still like the teenage stuff. Of course, it's hard to be a hot cougar when you're rocking a chin cyst, but still...

savage - That I can still be lustable with the breakout speaks volumes to the power of ProActiv!

That Girl - If we'd been sisters, I swear I'd never have chucked a knife at you!

Zip n Tizzy - I didn't even touch on the quest for the perfect bra for this age, either. Sigh...

Ali - I know! First time it happened to me, I was confused and scared! :)

Sunday, November 08, 2009 10:56:00 PM  

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