...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

it's the great mellowcreme pumpkin, hips and thighs!


Oh, Fall. You know what I think of when people say they love this season, with it's shorter days, confusing weather patterns, and trees resplendent with vibrant colors?

Meh. Big deal. Whatever.

When this time of year rolls around, I only have one thing in mind and that is the triumphant return of mellowcreme pumpkins to the grocery store. Oh, yes, my friends. You can have your nippy temperatures, but I only want this nipply confection!

When I went to the grocery store last week to buy wholesome items like fruits and whole grain breads, these were the first things that hit me when I walked through the door. In fact, when I caught sight of them out of the corner of my eye while making my initial beeline for the berries, I immediately made that squeaky brakes noise, and then I said "beep, beep, beep" while backing my cart up to bow before the towering display of Halloween candy. It was absolutely necessary I made that wide load/watch out for large objects/things in mirror are closer than they appear safety beep because if I keep eating from the bag (OK, BAGS! SHUT IT!) I brought home, I'm going to need pilot trucks with the flashing lights trailing in front of and behind me as warning to my fellow shoppers to make a wide path for me when I eventually return to the grocery store. I'd feel bad about knocking down an unsuspecting child with my thighs.

There's a method I have to eating these treats:
  1. Only purchase Brachs mellowcreme pumpkins and no other. Do not try to ply me with your generic mellowcremes for I will not be fooled. Yes, I will eat two or 18 before declaring them inferior, but I will not be fooled.

  2. Hide the bag(s) from my Tool Man and my children. Every fall, my boys insist they love mellowcreme pumpkins and beg me to share with them, and though I resist mightily, I eventually cave (for they are adorable) and give them one apiece, into which they bite, make a face, and then declare them disgusting. Then I send them to their rooms and tell them not to come out until they understand what they did, which was waste two perfectly good mellowcremes that I could have eaten and also forced me to say "I told you so!" and I hate saying that.

  3. Laugh sarcastically at the suggested serving size (six candies? pffft!) and proceed to dump fistfuls out into my grubby paws. Hold one aloft and alternate declarations of love with sneers of contempt. Saying "Oh, mellowcreme pumpkin, I see we meet again!" can go either way.

  4. Indulge in an elaborate eating process that signals to everyone around you that you have a little bit of a problem with disordered eating. My method for consuming mellowcreme pumpkins involves first biting the tiny green tip off the top, then scraping at the green layer surrounding the former tip. Finally, bite the pumpkin in half, sometimes horizontally, but preferably vertically, and enjoy the two bites this provides. Then tell observers that if they think that ritual is odd, they should see me eat a slice of pizza. And pie. And also cake. And seriously, watch me eat a sandwich sometime. Oh, and ice cream? It's a process, too.

I'd eaten eight of these sugary orbs of fantastic bliss before 8:30 a.m., today and I can assure you that pairing them with only a small glass of water may not meet the USDA's recommendation for a healthy breakfast, but I feel like I can cut through steel using just the power of my eyes. I'm like Jared Leto in Requiem For A Dream after dancing with the devil and a pound of pure. Or Jared Leto in eyeliner with some sweet sword fighting moves. I don't know. What I do know is I've got a case of the Kenickie shakes and if I keep eating these, I'll end up looking like Jared Leto in Chapter 27 after he beefed up to play Mark David Chapman.

Besides, I need to leave room for the Reece's peanut butter pumpkins that are waiting for me at lunch.

Labels:

33 Comments:

Anonymous TwoBusy said...

That's a whole Leto love.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Those puny punkins you're praising at the present (your 'letter B' post has kinda warped my brain, the tiniest bit) are, how shall I say it, poor.

But now Reese's. . . Oh, yeah, Reese's. . . Those peanut-paste punkins are perfect!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I love Halloween candy, but you can keep your pumpkins. And your candy corn. I'll just eat every single chocolate covered marshmallow item on the top shelf at the drugstore.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I've never had one of those pumpkins - do they taste like candy corn, because I don't like candy corn?

I may have you beat on my HoHo eating method. It's pornographic.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger just making my way said...

Are you going to disown us if we admit to not sharing your obsession? Because I will lie to curry favor. But I just don't see the draw...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

They're not for me, but that's okay- just means there's more for you, right?

Oh, and since when does eight + one glass of water not meet breakfast rules? Sounds perfect to me

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:03:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I HATE those things!! But I could 10x my weight in Brachs candy corn. But ONLY Brachs. The others suck massive donkey balls.

Hallie

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Wait. The serving size is 6!?! You're shitting me. Seriously?

*hides bag*

That explains a thing or two.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:14:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

those candies remind me of my best friend - who lives in st. louis, which is only 1000 miles away from me and we never get to see each other. so yeah, i'm reading this with sentimental tears in my eyes. and after i submit this comment, i will send her a link to this post. oh fadkog, i love you.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

This is exactly how I feel about Cadbury Mini Eggs at Easter time... Hershey tried to knock them off - but there is no comparison.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 1:00:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Funny... I haven't had one since I was about 6 years old, but now I've got the phantom flavor lingering in my mouth.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I am halfway through my 1.5 lb bag of candy corn. I know. I know.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I am a total sucker (hehe) for those bags of angel babies they used to have at Christmas. there were other shapes in there too but the angel babies were the best. wait, no, that was valentine's. and I don't think they manufacture them anymore. which is probably a good thing. like that burrito that taco bell used to have like 15 years ago with steak and tater tots and sour cream in it? I was devastated when TB discontinued it. Also twenty pounds heavier that I was before I first bit into its gooey cheesy creamy blissfulness.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 2:16:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

You make them sound too good to be legal.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 2:37:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I'm like that with Peeps. My arteries hate me.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 2:37:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

i promise not to mess with your mallowcreme pumpkins. they don't tempt me. but do not get in between me and a box of sweetzels spice cookies this time of year. really, i mean it. and yes, there is a process to eating them too.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Candy Pumpkins, Candy Corn, Peeps...I'm just not into farm-themed desserts.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 4:15:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I totally go for the "autumn mix" of candy corn (I covet the chocolate ones!) and mini pumpkin mellowcremes! I eat my chocolate corns the same way, nibbling the sweet and pure ecstasy slowly...

aaaahhh the shivers!

Oh, and totally thinking about Chapter 27 when you mentioned Jared Leto! Love that freak show of a movie!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 5:32:00 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Husband LOVES the candy corn...I can't quite go there;P

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Oh, sister. Number three had me laughing hard - so pleased to know there are others who verbally challenge (or embrace) delicious foodstuffs.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

It's all about the chocolate for me, but I hear you. We have to buy an extra 75 piece (75! pieces!) bag of candy every year. Because I make it through an entire bag before Halloween. Ugh.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger bettyl said...

I would treasure any sort of American treat, although Cadbury isn't a bad substitute. *sigh*

Thursday, October 01, 2009 4:49:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

haha we were just devouring a package over here last night-my son and I--he actually likes them :) and Oh, Jared Leto --yum, don't get me started....

Thursday, October 01, 2009 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Brachs...yes only Brachs.

Thursday, October 01, 2009 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Enjoy your mellowcreme pumpkins. I will be hiding in the bathroom eating my weight in reese's peanut butter pumpkins and Hershy's marshmallow pumpkins.Sounds like a balanced breakfast to me!

Thursday, October 01, 2009 10:17:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I've decided just this week, going into October mind you, the month of Brachs candy corn, that I will lose a couple of pounds. Laugh with me now...

ha ha HA ha!

Thursday, October 01, 2009 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

Today I'm glad you live far far away. I'd hate to have to fight you for the Brach's pumpkins and the Reese's pumpkins.

I'd totally do it. But, I'd hate it. ;)

Thursday, October 01, 2009 8:38:00 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

You know what... I hate candy corn, but love the pumpkins! Aren't they made of the same stuff? There is something delightful about the way the inside of the pumpkin is kind of mushy/creamy.

Now I'm going to be sad that we aren't able to get them! Thanks for that.

:)

Friday, October 02, 2009 6:01:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Meh. I am not a fan of those pumpkins.

Could be worse, you could look like Jared Leto in Fight Club. After the fight, I mean.

Friday, October 02, 2009 8:26:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

You're like me after my first State Fair, deep-fried, Snicker Bar. With powdered sugar stuck under my nose, I was high as a kite as I took off on my super-important mission to ride the Zipper for the fourth time. Ahh, to be 35 again!

Saturday, October 03, 2009 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

yes, they HAVE to be Brachs, no contest!!

but....wait, there a PB pumpkins? Like the PB eggs at easter??? WHAT?!

Saturday, October 03, 2009 9:43:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

TwoBusy - Trust me, that's a lot better than a whole lot of Leno love.

Des - I'm staying out of the stores from now until Halloween day to stay untempted from the Reece's pumpkins!

Aunt Juicebox - Marshmallows...gah...they're all yours!

Cocotte - I challenge thee to a HoHo eat off!

just making my way - I would never disown you for lying about these. They're truly an acquired taste!

Sailor - I'm actually rather proud of myself. The one bag I bought several weeks ago still has a few left. This is a Halloween miracle!

WWoW - But these things are like giant candy corns! Giant Brachs candy corns!

Aunt Becky - If you're missing a bag, might I suggest you lift up one of these rolls on my gut and dig around for it? Six pieces. Pfft!

Bex - Aww! That's sweet (like candy) and a little sad. But happy sad. Thank you, hon!

Kate - I can't bring myself to eat one of those Cadbury mini eggs, probably because they make those with the yellow center. ::shudder:: I do LOVE the Hershey chocolate eggs at Easter, though. Mmmm...

Zip n Tizzy - Seriously, as soon as the first leaf changes color this time of year, I can phantom taste this candy, too! I never crave anything like it the rest of the year.

Anna See - Shall we be each other's sponsor?

1blueshi1 - I remember those cupid babies at Valentines, and I remember thinking "Nice try, but not even close," when I was hoping they'd be like the mallowcreme pumpkins.

Brian - I would do bad, bad things for them, too.

Always Home and Uncool - Your a peeps man? Blech. Sigh... OK, I love you still anyway. I can't quit you, even if you like Peeps.

Sunday, October 11, 2009 2:53:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

lime - Spice cookies? OK, trust me, we'll definitely have no fights over our seasonal treats!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life - Hmmm...I've never thought of it in that manner. How are you about chocolate rabbits?

Lori - Harvest mix is the ultimate. I have to stay away from the desire to buy it bulk and than kick my family out!

Nap Warden - My husband got into my mallowcreme stash. He's lucky he's still alive.

Melissa - Challenging my foodstuffs is the only control I have over it some days!

Anymommy - I just sent my family to Target this afternoon and stayed home so as not to be tempted into buying our (who am I kidding? I mean my) Halloween candy early, so I hear ya, sister.

bettyl - I think I have to hop the pond to acquire a taste for the Cadbury.

Christina Lee - I think my sons will have to be living on their own before they finally determine if they like these things or not!

William - Word. Brachs rules.

Meg - What is it with the marshmallow business around here?! You all can have them, but I will likely start fighting for my share of the peanut butter pumpkins soon!

weirdgirl - HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. God speed, my friend. God speed.

Divine Chaos - I'd feel bad about the fighting, too, but be assured that my candy eating habits of late means I'm a bit slower and my reflexes are muddled, so you'd probably win!

Amy - I think I need to move to England in the fall to resist the sirens call of these things. Care for a houseguest?

FTN - What? You don't like them? I thought we liked all the same things?! BTW, I could also be Jared Leto in My So Called Life, too. So dreamy...

That Girl from Shallotte - Deep fried Snicker bars are like rocket fuel. Thank god sane people like us can only get those once a year (but the guilt lives on for ages...)

pgoodness - Oh, yes, my friend, there are peanut butter pumpkins this time of year. Get thee to a store and stock up on the magic!

Sunday, October 11, 2009 3:07:00 PM  

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