pioneers! o pioneers!

Do you ever imagine what it would have been like to be a pioneer?

Crossing the rugged terrain of this great nation's undeveloped land in a covered wagon led by a determined team of work horses!

Staking claim to new hope! Toiling the soil for life's rich bounty!

Hearing your children refer to you as 'Ma' (which might become a wee bit annoying the longer they do it if you are, in fact, a Pa)!

Possibly eating your loved one(s)(to the victor go the spoils) because a plague of grasshoppers destroyed your corn fields and sweet merciful Jesus, it's been a long winter!

Ah, yes, I confess, from time to time, my mind wanders to what it would be like to be a pioneer. The verdict? I WOULD BE A SUCKTASTIC PIONEER! Pioneers were made of heartier stock than I've ever had. They had to be to be able to entertain each other every night by candlelight after the chores had been done. Hell, some nights, my family members can barely stand the sight of each other, so kudos, pioneers! You win.

Additionally, my ability to survive the difficult living conditions of such a life hinge not on my ability to swing an ax, preserve vegetables, sew clothing for the entire family, or look awesome in a bonnet (none of which I can do, by the way), but instead rest solely on my general unhappiness over extreme temperature conditions. When it's cold, I'm bitchy. When it's hot, I'm whiny.

(and a little extra whiny if you tell me it's not necessarily the heat, but the humidity, which someone did first thing this morning when I got to work and it was approaching 90 degrees and I was sweating like a nun at a pornography convention)

Do you know what's fun to do when it's hot as hell outside? Turn on your central air conditioning and discover it doesn't work! Oh, modern conveniences, why do I take you for granted so?

That was Friday. As I write this, it's Monday night. The high temperature today was 97 degrees (shush about the heat index, kapeesh?). I'm this close to losing my mind. It would probably be gone completely by now, but I'm afraid finalizing the act would require more energy than I'm now capable of mustering up. Have you ever tried to get someone to come to your house on a Monday morning to fix your central air after the first taste of summer? Impossible! Everyone Tool Man called today either laughed at him or kept him on hold for so long (to laugh at him in secret) that he gave up. I even tried my patented "I'll cry on the phone and they'll feel sympathetic toward us!" approach, but heat inside the house made it impossible for me to muster up an ounce of moisture. If I don't get some sleep tonight, I might have to give myself up to the authorities tomorrow because I'm going to go homicidal on Tool Man.

Or I might simply fade away in my sleep. The average lifespan of a woman during pioneer times was 42, which is how old I am, so clearly, the cards aren't necessarily stacked in my favor.

Anyway, I was going to write a scintillating post about something or other, but the heat of my laptop on my thighs at this very moment is what I imagine it must be like to be burned alive and that coupled with the humid, god-forsaken temperature in my house, is like a giant bear hug from Satan. Toasty! So instead, I'm going to just drop a couple bombs on you and then go whine a bit more to Tool Man about how unbearable it is in here even though it's not his fault, but gah!

• I got a free sample of deodorant in the mail today. How convenient! Also? Somewhat pointless (see above). I think the only thing that will get me through this heat smelling fresh is to be dipped in industrial grade plastic. Finally also? The deodorant has glitter in it! Wha-huh? I am but a simple girl (though not pioneer-grade simple)(microwave popcorn, you hear my heart thumpin' for you?), so to have shimmering deodorant is mystical to me. It's like my armpits got invited to a totally kick ass party and the rest of me is stuck at home because our invitation got lost in the mail. It's probably better off that way, really, because my armpits have a serious lack of self-control, and they'd probably end up strung out on Ecstasy and whoring themselves for pocket change and loveless sex before the month's over, and the rest of me is just trying to stay clean, man.
  

• So LOST, huh? I may have actually used up all my tears watching it Sunday night. I slobbery bawled like a baby at the end. Claire and Charlie! Sawyer and Juliet! Desmond and anytime Desmond was on the screen! Now I want to go back and watch it all from the very beginning, and I want to make Tool Man do the same. He joined in the middle of the fourth season and immediately proceeded to tell me everything he thought the island was and I was all "Hush your mouth, latecomer! I've been here since DAY ONE! You don't get a say in this!" In the end, however, we were both pretty right about it, and so was almost everyone else in the world who watched the show. Still frickin' awesome, though!

• And yet, this morning, as I was taking my extremely cold shower, I got to thinking and was struck by the possibility that LOST wasn't so much a morality tale of Shakespearean heights, but was actually an incredibly long video for the song Jet Airliner by Steve Miller Band! Think about it! That's why I provided you a clip to the video! You know what, screw that! Just read the lyrics. I've highlighted the lyrics that apply DIRECTLY to the theme of LOST, and as you can see, it's almost the ENTIRE SONG! Either this is the most excellent long con I've ever experienced (tip o' the hat to Sawyer) or a frighteningly eerie coincidence that I can not seem to shake You be the judge:

Leavin' home, out on the road
I've been down before
Ridin' along in this big ol' jet plane
I've been thinkin' about my home
But my love light seems so far away
And I feel like it's all been done
Somebody's tryin' to make me stay
You know I've got to be movin' on

Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's here that I've got to stay

Goodbye to all my friends at home
Goodbye to people I've trusted
I've got to go out and make my way
I might get rich you know I might get busted
But my heart keeps calling me backwards
As I get on the 707 (or flash backward to 1974 - almost the same thing!)
Ridin' high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven (See!? SEE?!)

Big ol' jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's here that I've got to stay

Touchin' down in New England town
Feel the heat comin' down
I've got to keep on keepin' on
You know the big wheel keeps on spinnin' around
And I'm goin' with some hesitation
You know that I can surely see
That I don't want to get caught up in any of that
Funky shit goin' down in the city

Big ol' jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's here that I've got to stay

Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's here that I've got to stay
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

Big ol' jet airliner
Don't carry me too far away
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's here that I've got to stay

Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Carry me to my home
Oh, Oh big ol' jet airliner
Cause it's there that I belong

• Remember awhile back when I was all "I think Train's Drops of Jupiter is the greatest songs ever written"? Yeah, well, still holds true. However, over the weekend, I developed a raging case of fever for Mumford & Sons and the band's debut album, Sigh No More. I'm going to pause right here to allow you time to go purchase it. Now open it, listen to it, take it out of your CD player or yank the ear buds off your iPod and now lick it because you want to show this CD some hardcore love and licking it is the only way you know how to at the moment. First, I suggest you make sure your earbuds are clean, though. Are they? Good, then lick them again. This is beautifully raucous folk music that makes me want to get crazy drunk, lift up my skirts, and kick up my legs in some sort of crazed form of sweaty Riverdance...and honestly, because I'm already dripping with sweat AND listening to this CD, all I need now is the getting drunk part! I'm going to give you a little taste of them from their debut single, Little Lion Man. Listen to it and then tell me you think it's awesome and thank me for bringing them into your life after you buy the CD. If you don't like it, lie to me. Wouldn't be the first time someone has (that one's for you, my beloved former paramours!)

pssst - Before you click, you might ask "Fadkog, is there a pretty strong curse word repeated several times in this song that I should know about before clicking 'play'?" Good question. I'm glad you asked, because yep, there is, which is why you're going to want to have your car windows rolled all the way down and the stereo cranked to 11 when you listen to this while driving to work one day. Enjoy!

So much for short posts, eh? I'd write more, but my keyboard, much like me, has started to melt. It's going to be a long summer, friends. Brace yourselves.