...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

you know those boys don't wanna play no more with you

While growing up, my best friend and I would meet each afternoon in her driveway, conveniently located next door to my house, to play Barbies. After lunch, I'd cart out my pretty pink Barbie case, filled with tiny outfits my mom had crafted and even tinier pairs of plastic shoes and boots, and we'd hold summit for hours, playing and imagining wonderful lives for our plastic dolls to live. Lives we, no doubt, wanted for ourselves.

Successful actress.
News anchor.
Rock star.
Doting wife.
Porn star.

You can pretty much be whoever you wish to be when you're 10 and playing with Barbies. Even if you're not sure, exactly, what a porn star does aside from having the ability to be quite friendly while not exactly having to talk very much.
And you will always have the name Jessica, for our Barbies were always christened "Jessica."

I've a secret desire yet today to play Barbies. I would play them every day had I someone to play them with. In my mother's basement are my pristine dolls in the same pink case, a Barbie jumbo jet and a travel bus. And they're waiting for me. I'm ready. I just need someone to play with.

The boys won't play with me, of course (not to mention their father would freakin' freak if I convinced them to tear apart the couch cushions to make a Barbie penthouse on the living room floor!), so I'm relegated to having to play superheroes and action figures with them.

This, honestly, is not necessarily my cup of tea. First, action figures do not come with sexy clothes and plastic stilettos. This is a crying shame. While Barbie looks lovely in a cape and brandishing a plastic sword or tiny light saber, it's not exactly couture. Plus, those little weapons look like twigs in Barbie's delicate hands.

Second, boys stink. They stink and they always want to kill things. Barbie girls such as myself are peace loving creatures who smell of daisies and clean laundry. We just want someone to take us to the charity ball and tell us how beautiful we are, and then have that someone lay on top of us so that suddenly we share a brood of giant babies together.

Third, boys are loud. There are always explosions, crashes and screaming when you play with action figures. Additionally, there is an apparent rule about coming back to life three seconds after you've been killed by your nemesis. You know it's exactly three seconds because you and your nemesis count it out (despite the fact that you're dead) and then, when the reanimation process is complete, you're best friends. Barbies practically sing as they talk in their whispery voices, and are never loud and screechy. OK, except when it's "porn star Barbie" time, but that's just a side thing for her. Don't judge her! Clearly, Barbie loves everyone.

The boys have tried to include me in their little afternoon action figure scenarios, but as you will see below, it's pretty obvious why I get encouraged to find something else to do rather quickly:

My ode to "Dirty Dancing" -

"My frame! Where's my pleasing arc? Spaghetti arms?! Would you give me some tension please? You're invading my dance space! This is my dance space. That's yours. Let's cha-cha!"

To love uncontained -

Oh, they tried to deny their feelings. But how could that which would be seen as so wrong feel so utterly and completely right? Bringing the forces of good and evil together in wave after wave of passionate, penetrable madness. What would the world say?

"I don't care about the world," the Green Goblin whispered, leaning in to nuzzle at the neck of love. "Just let me sink into your web..."

My testament to the truth:

"I don't care what you stinky boys say! Your smokin' hot mom is totally kick ass! I mean seriously! I'm not slingin' any web B.S. That fiery mane of hotness and insane rack? Come ON! For those about to rock, we salute her!

If you're ever in the neighborhood and wish to play Barbies, just look me up (remember, just look for the cracked Little Tykes frog sandbox on Google Earth and it will lead you right to my front door)! If you want to play superheroes instead, sure, I suppose you can still come knocking. Just beware. If I get enough of these action figures together in one room, I'm totally reenacting "St. Elmo's Fire" next time. As a porn. And then you'll probably take all your little toys and go home. Just like all the other boys. Or better yet, you'll cave and want to be the Ken to my Barbie (Yeah! Someone to play with! Wait. Do you stink?). Go ahead and admit it. We all have our little secrets, afterall.
My secret? I have all the "Charlie's Angel's" dolls...and I'm always Sabrina. You better believe an Angel isn't caving to being renamed Jessica.


Blogger The Savage said...

I might stink... but thats from work...
I'll play barbies with you... as a matter of fact I'll go buy some size propotionate GIjoes... since Mattel was kind enough to resurrect them... scar under the right eye and everything... and if you want some hot action figues you need to shop at spencers and or hot topics if you have either.. or even a Toys R Us... they have femme fatales in tight clothing at least.. I don't know about the high heeled part...
that you still want to play Barbies is uber hot...
If you ever decide to trade in the current model.... I think I'd make a spiffy hubby... seperate music system and all.... (wink)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 5:30:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

I'll play Barbies with you, but I feel it's only fair to warn you, I grew up the only girl in my neighborhood. My Barbie wore camoflage and drove a Tonka. She did the deed with GI Joe. Ken just wasn't man enough for her.


Tuesday, May 29, 2007 7:22:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Okay, I'm going to take this in a little more serious direction: You are SO right, boys want action, adventure, and want to be heros. They want to destroy evil and rescue fair maidens.

"We just want someone to take us to the charity ball and tell us how beautiful we are..."

Does this mean that Barbie girls WANT to be the maidens in boys little adventures, or not?

I'm working on a short post about 'manliness' that will go up today or tomorrow and will talk about some of this... not that I'm plugging myself here. I hate when people do that.

Okay, I'm totally plugging myself.

But, what you said is true, and it is an important distinction between boys and girls!

Now I'm just rambling...

So hey, about that NASCAR race this weekend?

Okay, I'll stop.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 8:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I'm like totally scart of you now.

I don't the the whole action figure thing either, but my 10 yr old DS has totally sucked my 4 yr old DD into his evil web of mystery. It totally is werid.

But it lets me off the hook LOL

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 9:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I still have a giant suitcase in the parents attic full of my Barbies and clothes and furniture. I could go dig them out and we could have a Margarita Barbie night! What do you say?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I'm just stuck on the name "Jessica." I always had a thing for Jessicas. My first crush in 2nd grade was a Jessica. This hot girl I went out with a couple times in college was named Jessica.

Plus, I had a slightly creepy thing for Jessica Rabbit.

Oh, and I love this song.

Thanks for ruining Spider Man for me. Couldn't you at least have found a Mary Jane action figure for him to dance with?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

That's just so wrong, DKG. . .

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 12:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry doll-face, I only Barbie for the daughters and they're well past it all now. I'll keep you in mind when I have grandchildren who need grandpa for some Barbie time ...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Little Wing said...

Oh my god, your blog is hilarious! I shall return!! With ALL of my princess barbies!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger jules said...

After reading your tales of "action figures" I started laughing. I grew up with a brother and GI Joe (the big ones...we'd steal to be Barbie's boy friend because Ken was so gay). My own two boys had them all, GI Joe, He-Man, Turtles, Spiderman...too many to name. And I'd totally forgotten the 3 second reanimation deal. Great post.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 2:49:00 PM  
Blogger uhavegot2bkidn said...

I gave all my barbies to my niece, so I would have to go and steal them back if we can get together for a play date.

Oh, and Whew!

I was so relieved that I wasn't the only twisted 9 or 10 year old girl who made her Barbies porn stars too!

And all of my Barbies were named Roxanne...as in Sting's RRRRRRROOOOOXXXXANNNNNE!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 3:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife was not allowed to play with Barnies as a child and had to settle for the Sunshine Family (she still bears the scars to this day)I had Johnny West and his Cavalry officer friend and some unnamed Indian so I got to reenact Manifest Destiny which I am sure made me the man I am today.

Also I think you had just wayyyy too much fun setting those figures up for your pics.

srdezbdb (feels soooo good)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 3:41:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Maybe we could trade kids for a weekend? All I get to play is Barbies. I'd be more than happy to play with action figures for a bit.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 8:21:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

it's true....yeah!

I'm sorry, did you say something, I'll have to read it again--I was a bit busy singing sister christian. ;)

I'll play barbie with you!


Tuesday, May 29, 2007 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

LEt's go party!

You know if I wasn't so far away I'd totally be right there playing Ken to your Barbie. Oh the Porn movies we could make together. :D

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 2:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your definitely a little gurl at heart, that's cute.

Charlie's Angels, I totally forgot one of them was named Sabrina and for the life of me have no clue who the rest were (expect in real life of course).

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 3:30:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

Darling, I feel a little dirty after reading this :)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 6:37:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Savaage - Oh, you must know I'm not going to ever enter the labyrinth of hell that is Toys R Us. Not for nothing! And why do I get the feeling you're playing Barbies with me would be far different from the way I'm used to playing them!?

Stacie - Oh, I brought a few neighborhood guys over to the darkside in my day.

Then we'd play Barbies.

RS - I look forward to reading your entry. I think some Barbie girls want to be part of the action with the guys, but then properly *admired* at the end of the day.

Or maybe that's just me. I've not yet adequately worked out my theory!

Lady C - Don't mean to scare you, but honestly, I am a bit freaky that way.

Terry - What's this you're proposing? Drinking *AND* playing Barbies? Get thee ready to play!

FTN - Good to know I can still add to the list of things I've ruined for you. Spiderman. Dirty Jobs. Girly Boners.

Wait? Did I ruin girly boners for you?

One thing I'm sure I didn't ruin for you though. That's right.


They've been sorely missing around here for awhile.

Kinda like I wish that song choice of yours would have been. Seriously? Pity there was no Neil Diamond that was appopriate.

Demond - Ah, my esteemed friend, I so very often am...

XI - Oh, I wonder if your daughters don't harbor some little desire to still play Barbies today!

Littlewing - You have princess Barbies?! I NEVER had princess Barbies! Get thee over here and commence playing.

Did that sound royal enough?!

Thanks for stopping by, too!

Jules - Thanks for dropping by! My boys have a huge case of various action figures. When they're not looking, I sneak in and toss some. I find it's much harder to reanimate when you have no head.

Uhave - Ah, yet more new visitors! Thank you for coming by. No go steal some of those Barbies back and let's play!

Finished - AH! I got the Jane West doll, probably as a gift from my Grandma. It's still in my mom's basement. I remember having no clue what this doll was when I got it, and being freaked by her "all blue" body and odd plastic molded clothes!

Um...I used her as the maid when I played Barbie penthouse suite...

Chag - Just tell me which border to meet you at for the kid swap. Though I'm sure your daughter could give me a run for my money, it would be totally worth it for a Barbie weekend!

Nanette - What's your price for flight?

So you can get here and join in Barbiefest 2007 in my backyard!

Confused - Oh, that song is my only Barbie dislike! Good try, though. I won't hold it against you in our imaginarey movies.

Nocturnal - Little girl with a twisted sense. Surely some twisted sense has come through here and there!

Ahem - the original Charlie's Angels were, from memory, Jill, Kelly and Sabrina. The doll versions are very small and were totally dominated by my Bionic Woman doll.

Whose name I of course also remember. How could you forget one Jamie Somers, eh?

Ed - I have that effect on people sometime. Good to see you stopping through!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 9:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me if they play with 'em still, specially Oddkin. Righ after she and I come home from hunting ....

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, so I'm wondering what a 10-year-old girl's concept of 'porn star' is like. . .

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

XI - Oh, I know nothing of the hunting. My dad tried to take me out hunting once, as a young girl. The fact that I complained about how cold it was a lot kind of curbed his desire to take me out there again!

Desmond - Well, at 10, it was probably just "sex" as it appeared via the pages of the MOUNTAINS of Playboys my dad had in the basement. It wasn't until I was 12 or we got cable, whichever came first, that I had an idea that people did that for movies. Cinemax was where I'd flip during commercials on "Friday Night Videos." Granted, not porn stars, but very intriguing nonetheless!

That was probably the lengthiest reply to a simple question I've ever given!

Eh...who am I kidding!? I'm a rambler. I'm pretty sure none of you out there have figured that part of me out yet...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 3:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Understood, that's the one thing that a lotta Dads do that convinces the kids to not come back. When Oddkin showed her first bit of interest I made sure 1) she had clothes appropriate to the task 2) The first outting was on a warmer day 3) The first outting was on a day I was fairly certain she'd see lots. She's been hooked ever since. I promise if you ever go out to the woods with me I'll do the same for you!

Kinda like the Barbie thing. If her head had popped off the first time you played with her you might not still be desiring her. Had a friend whose first G.I. Joe lost its head after a couple days (bought at a garage sale) and he'd never touch action figures again.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 8:15:00 PM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Great pictures! You made me think about the pictures I have somewhere of my boys and my sister's boys playing with GI Joe and other action figures and then deciding to take them over to "Barbie's House" for a "party" when my niece wasn't home and they thought nobody was watching. Absolutely hilarious!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 8:26:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

XI - My younger sister actually did bust the head off my Ken shortly after his arrival to my Barbie harem. I made her buy me a new one (because I'll always have the Barbie love!). Actually, I made my mom make her buy me a new one.

Chrissy - Thanks for passing thru here with the others. See, I think what you're telling me here is that guys want a little of the Barbie love time themselves...just a theory, but I think it holds some merit!

Thursday, May 31, 2007 1:12:00 AM  
Blogger FindingHeart said...

Ah the memories. Got to admit that sister's Barbie got a big haircut one day so that Big Jim could have a new beard. Didn't go so well though. He ended up looking like Billy Gibbons from ZZTop. LOL!

Thursday, May 31, 2007 9:18:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Findingheart - Um, my friend's Barbies often got haircuts, pierced ears and (GASP!!) breast reductions (which were accomplished by rubbing Barbie's front across the concrete, much to my horror!)

Needless to say, the girl never was allowed to touch my Barbies. Ever.

And mark this down, someone, as the first time I actually used the word "breasts" to describe that which I love so much. Second to my love of Beauregard, that is.

Thursday, May 31, 2007 4:18:00 PM  

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