...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

'don't you neva, eva pull my leva...'

Act I

A quiet suburban family dwelling. It's Sunday morning. A mother, looking radiant upon emerging from a restful evening's sleep, descends the stairs and settles upon the couch among her two children and her husband and awaits the glory that is not typically heaped upon her on most Sunday mornings, but this one is different, for it is (cue the heavenly choir) Mother's Day.

Oldest child (a handsome, strapping, preteen type) - "I have made you this gift and this card." He smiles and hands her a carefully wrapped package and delicate envelope.

(the Mother smiles warmly at her son and remarks at how the perfumed magazine insert shoved inside the envelope makes the card smell of flowers. She glances around the house quickly, hoping to spy some actual flowers and finds none, but that's a small detail)

The mother (voice cracking at the sentiment) recites from the card - "Mom, I love you. You are the best mom in the entire world. There is no one who could ever replace you. Ever. I love you with all my heart. Happy Mother's Day!"

(the Mother then clutches the card to her chest, where her heart, the vessel that delivered life-giving magic in utero, beats purely for her angelic preteen child. She gives the preteen boy a look that seems to say "How did I ever get so lucky?" and "You are an amazing child. Mothers of daughters, please, consider how blessed you would be to have this kind, thoughtful, quiet boy as your future son-in-law and submit your inquiries now.")

Mother - "I love you, son!"

Preteen boy - "I love you more!"

The pair hug.

:: fade to black::

Act II

Tuesday evening in the suburban family dwelling. The quiet that typically permeates the environment has been compromised by loud voices which are later punctuated by the slamming of doors and the introduction of loud, dramatic sighs.

::lights go up::

Preteen boy (clutching cell phone to his chest so unsuspecting friend on the other end may bear witness to the drama about to be unleashed) - "Dylan wants to know...

Mother (busy doing many mother-like things that consume a great deal of her time every evening, does not look up at the boy) - "No."

Preteen boy - "...if I can come over and hang out."

Mother - "Not tonight."

Preteen boy - "Why?"

Mother - "Because I said no."

Preteen boy - "Later?"

Mother - "Is later still today?"

Preteen boy - "Wha?"

Mother (uncorking the first of many sighs that will be exhaled between the pair) - "If I said no now and later is still today, the answer is still no."

Preteen boy - "Why?"

(much discussion and sighing is exchanged between the two, and continues far, far, far longer than the Mother should even allow, but oddly, despite playing this role for nearly 13 years, the Mother always seems to forget the part of this job known as 'Picking One's Battles' and declaring herself the victor, and so the lights go back up on the pair, who have now raised their voices to one another)


Mother - "I guess you've already forgotten about last Friday night and how I gave you $20 and a short lecture on wearing your jacket because it was cold that night so you and Dylan could go to the baseball game?"

Preteen boy - "Yeah, well, whatever. That was last week!!"

Mother - "Perhaps all your memories of have been erased, which would explain why it is we now must work on a 3D model of a virus assigned to you LAST MONDAY that's due tomorrow in your science class, by the way, and thus, you don't recall me driving you to Dylan's house after school yesterday and two days before that and letting you stay there until after 9 p.m., because you were, and I quote, 'having fun.'"

Preteen boy - "Can't I just go over for a little bit?"

Mother - "No."

Preteen boy - "Well, then, can I get on the Wii..."

Mother - "No."

Preteen boy - "...and play 'Call of Duty' with Dylan?"

Mother - "Seriously?"


Mother - "3D model of a damn virus due TOMORROW!!!"


Mother - "I'm sorry your life is so awful. I suggest you stop rolling your eyes at me. Ours is a people with weak optic nerves, and I don't want to be the one you blame for your poor eye sight when you're even older."

Preteen boy - "I don't even know what you're talking about!!!!! GOD!!!!"

Mother (muttering herself now) - "It's a damn good thing YOU'RE not supposed to make a 3D model of an eyeball...why, I oughtta..."

(the Mother looks to the Father, who makes his quiet entrance from stage left midway through the discussion between the mother and preteen boy. He ignores her glances and requests for backup, which eventually comes as no surprise to the Mother, for the Father gave her a Mother's Day card that read "Happy Mother's Day from the one who got you into this whole mess in the first place!")

Preteen boy - "I just wanna...."

Mother - "I. Said. NO!"

(preteen boy stomps around the house, muttering words of unknown origin. Many texts and phone calls are exchanged between him and Dylan, the offstage friend. The Mother imagines the preteen boy spewing vile words of how awful she is. She knows the boy's spelling is atrocious, and she shakes a bit thinking about how his texts likely read "I height her!" rather than the more widely allowed "I h8 her!!" She thinks of the Mother's Day card the boy gave her only two days ago and repeats the words to herself - all marvelously and properly spelled and written with care - and smiles fondly, if not a bit sadly. The greatest, most irreplaceable mother in the world hides her smile from the preteen boy so as not to make him think she is making fun of him and the potentially world ending catastrophe he feels he's now going through.)

Preteen boy - "I hate you!"

Mother - "I wouldn't have it any other way."

::fade to black::

Labels: ,


Anonymous Brian said...

I feel for ya, really. Been there, done that. No t-shirt.

Maybe he needs an epic fail on a project like that to light a fire under his ass.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

You are nicer than me, at least. I use the F word a whole lot more. ;P

I just got into a HUGE fight with my daughter about her college plans. I'm debating blogging about it, but it's one of those times where your kid makes you SO MAD that just talking about it makes you angry all over again. She's lucky she's at school right this minute.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 11:19:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Your an angel disguised as a mother. I swear I had visions of Mother Teresa dancing through my head when I read this. Ha! And you won!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

You're a troopa! (Sorry, just trying to get in with the title.)

Can't I just ship mine off during that time? Of course then I might not get sweet Mother's Day cards. Damn.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 5:17:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

That.Was.Beautiful. Sure beats the high school production of 'West Side Story' I endured last week.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 5:57:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Brava! Brava I say!
This critic was enthralled by the reality of the comedy of the situation. It was the finest play EVAH!
Such dialog and such realism!

I lust you....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 8:31:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Oh, it's Game On now, ain't it?

Sounds like you're off to a good start. Only seven more years to go; hang in there. . .


Wednesday, May 12, 2010 8:37:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

ugggh. We got through three pre-teen boys, but it's our girl's turn now; 12, going on ??. Ughhhh.

Feel for ya- hang in there, and no, unfortunately, you're not allowed to put them in dog kennels.

LOL- captcha word?? "blest". Go figure!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 10:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

"Ours is a people with weak optic nerves..." I am SO using that one day.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 10:17:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

P.S. My captcha was "metor." The first one. I had to try a second time and it was "allit." Oh, now I see it's "thylien." DAMMIT I screwed that one, up, too. Now it's "enolk."

Seriously, can we just get rid of this?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I imagine many of these conversations in my future...with my daughter. She's only three and we're practically having them now! Laminate that card and keep with you at all times.

Thursday, May 13, 2010 6:35:00 AM  
Blogger Velma said...

Amazing how awful we are, isn't it? :)

Thursday, May 13, 2010 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Will there be a movie version of this classic play?

Thursday, May 13, 2010 8:48:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

One of my favorite reruns in these parts.

Thursday, May 13, 2010 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Number 1 job of a parent: To piss our kids off.

Number 2 is to embarrass them.

So far you're doing pretty good with number one. The teenage years only get better The good news is, they usually grow up to be decent human beings.

Thursday, May 13, 2010 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

Mother - "I'm sorry your life is so awful. I suggest you stop rolling your eyes at me. Ours is a people with weak optic nerves, and I don't want to be the one you blame for your poor eye sight when you're even older."


Thursday, May 13, 2010 4:11:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Mean mothers unite! I had the nerve to request that juice containers be extricated from various spots throughout the house before any play was to be had. Screams were heard from hear to Canada about how terrible I am. Glad I'm not alone.

Thursday, May 13, 2010 5:41:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

and these scenes have played out in such a wide range of varieties in the past week it simply boggles the mind. at least we all know we are not alone.

Friday, May 14, 2010 9:38:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Damn. you are really preparing me for what's up ahead, aren't you? DAMN.

Friday, May 14, 2010 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

*starts slow clap & stands in awe of inspirational mommery* (which kind of sounds like "mammary", but isn't at all what I meant.)

Only you could manage to write this with such humor yet also show such a clear love for your son, preteen that he may be. Bravo.

Friday, May 14, 2010 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

Uh, were you spying on my house through my webcam (just saw that on the news how people can watch other people via webcams, freaky!)? Sounds just like a conversation on any given weekday at our house.

Friday, May 14, 2010 8:16:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I can't even start my day without a few I hate you's tossed my way.

Saturday, May 15, 2010 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

I dread those days that I'm sure are ahead. Mostly because the first time either of my children says "I hate you" I'm probably going to laugh in their face, but my husband's head is going to explode in outrage. Sigh.

Saturday, May 15, 2010 8:04:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I can't do it. Can I just give them to you when my boys turn ten?

Saturday, May 15, 2010 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger Creative-Type Dad said...

My children will stop growing at 6. They'll be like Webster, thus no teenage problems.

Monday, May 17, 2010 1:05:00 AM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

"ours is a people with weak optic nerves.."


it is probably a good thing their bones are hard by teenage-hood. makes them much harder to eat.

Monday, May 17, 2010 9:56:00 PM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...

I know how it goes. My son is 8 and already says that he hates me.

Monday, May 17, 2010 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger Velvet Over Steel said...

I agree with William; when is the movie version coming out? This is amazing writing! Excelllent!
Happy Tuesday! :-)
~ Coreen

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger Together We Save said...

Oh I just played out this scene with my 17 year old daughter today! Great writing!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Brian - Hey! I NEED the t-shirt! And in my mind, I agree with the whole fail thing, but then I'D feel awful. I have issues!

Aunt Juicebox - From time to time, that word fills my head and has to get snipped off at the ends before it escapes!

Cheryl - I'm going to print off your comment and remind every male in this house that someone thinks I'm an angel!

Just Making My Way - Will your sweet girl perhaps play Barbies with me? If yes, then the answer to your question is heck, yeah!

Cocotte - The only thing that saved this production was a lack of dance numbers.

Savage - The trick is not to over-rehearse and kill the realism!

Craig - And now I want to weep a little bit at the idea of only seven more years! :)

Sailor - I'm hoping my youngest is learning how to deal with these issues by osmosis!

beej - It's true. There could be medical journal entries devoted to my people.

beej again! - The last time I tried to get rid of it, the Chinese tried to take over!

Kate - Ha! I should just post it as a sign and flash it up in front of the poor kid's face when these things come up.

Velma - We are the absolute worst!

William - Soon, I hope. We're hung up on casting at the moment.

Kevin - It's on a permanent loop some days, isn't it?

Pat - As fate would have it, the following day, my son was mortified that I'd embarrassed him when I told a friend who'd come over to see if my other son could play that my boys were already ready for bed. I'm learning as I go along!

jenny - I know you are, but what am I? (re - #awesome) :)

Stiletto Mom - Can we form a cool Mean Moms gang and have Pink Lady jackets? Because if the answer is yes, I am in for a permenant membership!

Lime - Come join our Mean Moms gang!

Christina - The good part is they morph back into those sweet boys we know and love...until the next time. Bwahahahaha! :)

legallyblondemel - Thank you, sweetie. We'll welcome you to the Mean Moms club the first moment you go through this!

Rug's Bug - I promise you I wasn't spying, and not just because my computer is so awful. :)

Carolyn - It's like an adrenaline shot straight the the heart, ain't it?

Madame Queen - I always tell him he'll get over it when he needs money or is hungry. I also remind him often that I'm the smartest person he'll ever meet when he thinks he can pull something over on me. One of these days, he'll believe both!

anymommy - By then, I may be incredibly exhausted, but we could probably work on some kind of online agreement!

creative-type dad - Your plan is brilliant! I wish I'd thought of it. I guess that's why you're the creative-type dad and I am not! :)

stone fox - The bone thing, for sure. That and my kid is lean and wirey, so I think that means he'd just be gristly. No thanks!

whisperingwriter - Clearly, we're definitely doing something right, huh?

Velvet Over Steel - Just as soon as I can get complete creative control over the script! Thanks for visiting!

Together We Save - Thank you! So what you're telling me is I'm in for the long haul, huh? :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010 3:33:00 PM  

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