...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

here's a post that will leave you unsure what to comment so you'll probably say something like 'sorry?' and then avoid eye contact with me

My Tool Man has been traveling for work the last few weeks. What could be so important that a representative of a mid-level tool company must be away from his loved ones for so long, you ask. Good question. The tool business is like Black Ops, only instead of whatever it is Black Ops agents do, this involves things like garden resets and going out to dinner every night. The black cat walks at midnight. This post will self destruct on 10 seconds, yada yada yada.

As you might imagine and a few of you know for reasons far, far less trivial, being without one's spouse for any length of time can be rough. Factor in loneliness, no one to tag team second grade math homework with, and the lack of protection from possible (though I say highly probable) Bigfoot encounters and the other loneliness that actually means sex and well, dammit, where's MY Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey to help ME out ?

(For the homework and help with dinner part, not the sex part! Gah, did you think I meant the sex part? With Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey?! Cut! It! Out!)

I was thrilled when Tool Man reappeared last Friday night for a brief respite after two weeks away and before having to leave again Monday for another mission (shhh...). OK, first I was scared because he crept into the dark house, and while that might be construed as some awesome role playing, he'd grown a beard while away and if you'd seen it you'd understand my long-simmering Bigfoot issues, which are not to be confused in any way with any role playing scenarios.

There was some random happy time greetings which you might imagine led to some truly hot foreplay. Go ahead and think that if you want, but that's not at all what happened. Instead we settled in to watch that week's episode of Lost. Because THAT'S the first thing you want to do after you've been away from the one you love for several days. No, wait! The first thing you want to do is have a wee little discussion of the heated variety and THEN you watch that week's episode of Lost, which your awesome wife waited four days to watch so she could watch it unadulterated with you because she is indeed awesome like that. Kind of like you're an awesome husband like that, but after eight weeks of Heroes clogging your DVR, you caved and watched, but saved them for your awesome wife, who then discovered all those hours clogging your DVR when she was trying to record something cool and actually good like Modern Family, and she was all "Dude?" and you were all "What? I thought you liked Heroes?" and she was all "Um, I broke up with Heroes in 2007. You don't even know me at all, do you?!"

(sidebar - this isn't what Secret Agent Tool Man and I ::finger quote:: discussed ::end finger quote:: but I will say that I deleted 8 hours of Heroes from the DVR Saturday)

Long story short, by Sunday morning, we couldn't remember what it was we'd opted to discuss passionately rather than be passionate, but by then, he was heading out the door to engage in another mission, and he was probably halfway toward embedding himself with another family before I realized there would been no "Guess what! No, that's not a monkey wrench in my pocket! I AM actually happy to happy to see you after two weeks and 12 hours, but who's counting welcome home sex for you! Hooray!" for me.

Which explains why I thought Sandree Lee, she of the semi-homemade wackiness, was mocking me Sunday afternoon while I was watching her Food Network show (why? no idea) when, while plating a tray of lamb kabobs, she looked out of the TV screen and directly at me and said "Make sure they have a place to put their skewers after eating your delicious kabobs!"

Oh, screw you, Sandra Lee (unless you, too, are married to a secret agent)! First you annoy me with you ever changing window treatments and array of cleverly named cocktails, but then you give me kabob envy? As one of Uncle Joey's adorable charges would say, how rude!

But wait! It gets better (or worse)! In my state of frustration, I ventured to Target to buy new underwear which I needed having broken up with ice cream and peanut butter, and when I got them home and tore open the package, the little slip of paper letting me know my new drawers had been inspected for quality control purposes fell directly onto my lap and dear lord, THIS was the number:

Thanks for rubbing it in universe.


You might now be asking yourself what I did with all my free time since I didn't use 10 minutes out of the last 352 hours I've been alone to have sex (I kid, I kid. It's more like seven minutes). Well, Polite Fictions flipped the lights back on, so I cranked out a little something for that. Our theme this go around is the alphabet of regret. I had C, so I wrote about a cowboy. Seriously. It's early on this new round, so I highly suggest you go be awed by TwoBusy's take on A, and blown away by Ms. Picket's wicked good embrace with B. See what I just did there? Boggled your mind with some sweet alliteration. Now when you get to my chaotic go at C, you'll be like "Hmm...too bad you didn't just get laid." I know!

Anyway, seriously, please go read and let us know what you think. Comment! Link! Tweet! Tongue kiss us (I mean, come on! More than two weeks here, folks!)! We've got some awesome new talent on board in the form of Mr. Lady from Whiskey in My Sippy Cup and Jessica from Bernthis. There's 26 letters in the alphabet, so I'll be back there when we get a little deeper into it. Someone has to bring the cheese to the party (or the pinatas if it's a party made of awesome) so that's a clue to let you know my next go 'round will be with the letter P.

Here's hoping the next time my Tool Man's home, I also get to go 'round with something that starts with the letter P.

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Blogger Logical Libby said...

I'll show her where to put her skewers...

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Welcome Home sex is sacred and should NEVER be forgotten. Or delayed. Or dismissed for any reason.

Shame on you.

Now, go buy me a PRADA bag as punishment. It will make ME feel better and make you stop and THINK next time you opt to argue instead of (insert word of your liking for conubial bliss here)!

Hallie :)

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I think Bigfoot is just misunderstood.

I think Welcome Home Sex should happen every night.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Heck, I think the WHS should happen when I return from the grocery store. . .

And ummmmmm. . . no tongue kisses, but I'll offer you a very brotherly, very affectionate {{{hug}}}. How would that be?

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Husband tapes 'Modern Family' so that he can watch 'American Idol' with middle child. Do you think I can wait an extra hour every week for my fix of 'Modern Family'? No, I cannot!

And as a side note, I don't believe you about not wanting to have sex with Uncle Jesse.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 12:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh that rascally rake of a husband! That sucks. I mean, it probably didn't suck (hahaha I slay me) but you get what I mean. Here's hoping Big Foot doesn't get you while your hubby's away...although at this point he might be looking pretty good.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

2 points for the Uncle Jesse reference.

Kabob envy - that's exactly what I feel when I watch the object of my Food Network alternating adoration / scorn, Giada ("bruschetta envy"?)

I blame the movies for making any of us think a long marital absence is to be immediately brought to an end by, uh, kabobing. Sometimes you just need a good, ahem, "discussion" with one another and/or your DVR.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I'd be tempted to see if I could actually find a name for it that started with EVERY letter of the alphabet, not just P. That would move your odds of happy to see you time to 26/26 rather than 1/26. And those are the kind of odds I like.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 1:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

I loved your "C" post. I just never know what to say over at PF because I feel so inadequate. Kinda like now.

My word verification: tails (ahem)

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 3:21:00 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

As a divorced woman living currently a VERY sexless life, I feel your pain.
Lost is important, but not THAT important!
So you're gonna try not to let this happen again, right? I mean, I have no choice, but you do!!
So very funny, btw...

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger MsPicketToYou said...

oh duuuude. i've been there and WAIT THERE'S MORE..

My number was 72.

I shit you not.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 5:11:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Back in the day, the 'c' word had a whole other meaning.

But then again, so did T and A.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

What is this "sex" you keep referring to? I can't recall it anymore....

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

You poor, poor, horny, thing. I feel your pain. Only my husband is right here, but that's another problem.

Anysex, my husband used to work in D.C. while I lived in IL, and he'd come home every other weekend for the weekend. There was pros and cons to that - the good being, well, the sex, the bad being - handing the reins over of the household - which I was running perfectly well THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Re: Sandra Lee. I KNOW! Seriously, do you dress to match your curtains, AND do you change your mix master and dishes and other appliances all to match? Give me a break! I also hate that she says "gonna" instead of "going to". If you put the cc on, you will see that they even spell "gonna". It drives me crazy! Her recipes aren't bad, though!

LOL! word verification: illfecl

does that mean sick poop?

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I totally think you wrote this whole post as an excuse to say Cut. It. Out. I love any and all references to Full House - so no complaints from me.

I really should break up with Heroes... But it's just so easy and comfortable.

And I would have wanted to watch Lost too. I mean there are only 10 episodes left - so it absolutely takes precedence.

I watch entirely too much TV.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010 11:07:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

HAH!! You waited 4 whole days to watch Lost (you could have watched it yourself and got some major eye-candy from Sayid--sigh)?? Now THAT's love!!!!

Thursday, March 04, 2010 6:45:00 AM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Sorry. I am avoiding eye contact right now. Which is surprisingly easy...

Thursday, March 04, 2010 9:26:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

This is the part where I give you a big slimy blue lobster hug, both in sympathies for your loss of consort and for your faithful pimping of ye olde Polite Fictions.

Also: 69! (insert Bill & Ted-style air guitar here)

Thursday, March 04, 2010 3:28:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I just don't know how you waited four days to watch Lost. If I don't keep on a very strict schedule then my whole understanding of the shift sideways gets wonky.

Friday, March 05, 2010 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger just making my way said...

Can I bring a pinata in the shape of a big P....? Or would that be more like rubbing it in?

And actually, I'm with Savage - and I don't even have the excuse that my husband isn't around.

Saturday, March 06, 2010 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

With a name like Tool Man you would think he'd be all over the drilling.

Saturday, March 06, 2010 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

OK...no waiting for LOST girl! That's impressive...

Saturday, March 06, 2010 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

I have to watch Lost live. I am too impatient to wait.

Sunday, March 07, 2010 4:14:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

My absolute bafflement about the appeal of Lost aside, I'm a tad confused about why you couldn't just have sex and THEN passionately "discuss" the issue at hand. Mad sex is always good. Combine that with welcome home sex and it's just teeming with multiple possibilities.


Monday, March 08, 2010 6:28:00 PM  
Blogger Boomka said...

Sandra Lee said to me the other day, I have a table setting you are just going to love! Really Sandra Lee? You think so? Becuase I REALLY doubt it. Unless your table setting is made out of beef and or tequilla there is no chance I am going to like it because I don't care about table settings. That's why I like guy fieri because he doesn't have table settings, he has a pool table. He just eats it as soon as it is on the dish. My kind of Guy!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010 6:17:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

You ARE a sainted woman. One, for waiting to watch LOST with him, and Two, for not just leaving all the dishes for him to do. And is it just me, or has LOST really fallen off the rails this year or what?! I've watched that show religiously for however many seasons it's been on and they throw THIS crap at me? I knew this season would be off the minute Sawyer showed up a bit chubby and wearing a shirt.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010 8:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

P you say?


I totally came up with that myself. I know. I rock.

And clicking over...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 2:14:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Just for the sake of askin'. . .

Which 'letter C' are we talkin' about?


Wednesday, March 10, 2010 11:21:00 AM  

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