do you love me (like I love pizza)?
Hey, Internet! I've got a question for you. It's inside that intricately folded up mass of notebook paper I just shoved gently into your palm. It does look like a swan, doesn't it? I'm glad you noticed, Internet. That makes me feel good.
Did you also notice I've not been around for awhile? That's kind of the reason why I wrote you that note, so I'm hoping you'll read it and give it some thought. What's that? You don't want to read? I don't understand that, Internet. You're the Internet! The very point of your existence is for others to read, isn't it? Oh, and to surf for porn, you say? I wouldn't know about that, Internet. Now you're just scaring me.
Ah, and also because you don't have hands to open it! Silly me, Internet! Sorry! Didn't mean to be insensitive...though I bet not having hands really cuts down on the point of that porn surfing, eh? It's OK, I won't tell.
OK, since you don't want to read my note, I'll read it for you and you can answer directly with any or all choices that apply. Ready?
Hello! How are you? I am fine. I'm writing this to you because whenever I'm around you, I feel something weird in my tummy. Maybe it's using the word 'tummy,' I don't know. It's not a word I say much. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you missed me, Internet. Do you? To make your answer easier, I'm providing you with multiple choices in hopes you'll get back to me soon.
Do you miss me? Please check any that apply:
- A little bit.
- Who are you again?
- What's in it for me if I say yes?
- Seriously, who are you again?
- Very much so. In fact, in light of your absence, I constructed a scale model robot of you from schematics I drew up using only your profile photo and my vivid imagination. I call my robot RADKOG. Because it is rad! And also because it is made of cogs. Get it? RADKOG!
- I started out making a robot that would reflect how sad I've been about you disappearing from your blog for no reason these past couple of weeks and planned to call it SADKOG, but then I was like, "Well, that's kind of a dumb idea because if it's sad, that means it will cry and crying will just make a robot rust, so what in the world am I thinking?"
- I can too build a robot that's capable of crying!
- Yes, I absolutely have amazing robot building skills.
- Go away. You're scaring me.
My love always (even though I want you to know that my saying that shouldn't in any way make you feel uncomfortable)(no pressure)(seriously)(I do love you, though...).
That or maybe that weird robot you built, which, btw, great job on getting my hair right!
Anyway, we haven't been doing much around here lately, so that's probably why I've not been writing. Today we're trapped inside the house together and riding out a minor ice storm. If you caught the use of the word 'we're' then you know that means my kids have YET ANOTHER DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL. I think I can count on one hand how many days they've attended since returning from holiday break on January 3rd. Also, my Tool Man decided it wasn't worth braving the conditions to pimp drills and other tool-like items of which I am clueless, so he's here, too. Hooray! Every one of them is pacing this place like vampires and I am the sole blood-bloated human taunting them with my throbbing veins and beating heart and they...well, they are making me crazy. I love them, I love them, I love them, but Mother Nature has been holding us hostage far too long already this season and I'm close to playing the theme song to Barney in hopes it will drive her or them out soon.
So there's that.
It might be a great idea for Tool Man to bust out soon. On Monday, the two of us kicked off a fantastic healthy eating program to replace the one we've been on awhile called "I don't know what to have for supper so do you want to just call Papa Murphy's and get a pizza?" This morning, just two days into our stellar program, he sat down next to me on the couch and asked if the time of day impacts weigh-ins. After I informed him that I choose to weigh myself in the morning (and only once a week because, hi, if I wanted more guilt and self-loathing, I'd just call my mom), he said, "Hmm...that's interesting. Well, I weighed myself this morning after breakfast and I just am amazed by how much I've lost so far."
And then I killed him and thus, I have no idea how much he lost.
Oh, no I didn't. You know I didn't! Instead, I (tried not to roll my eyes and) asked him what he lost and he happily informed me that he's lost six pounds so far.
IN TWO DAYS!!
This after consuming a medium Dairy Queen pecan cluster Blizzard on Monday (aka - the first day of our new healthy lifestyle) to top off the double cheeseburger he'd eaten prior. The tasty ice cream treat alone, friends, is a prize package valued at 1,050 calories!
(also, shush. We don't eat out that often and Monday nights are 'kids eat free' nights at Dairy Queen, so when we do, we like the economic perk, alright?)
I should also add that while I've been tracking calories and points, working out like a mofo and drinking so much water that I've had to get up and use the bathroom eight times while trying to write this post (it's only been two days, so I'm still super excited about all this), he's describing his activity level as "low" ("I'm just going to count walking as my exercise," he told me. Around Home Depot stores. Or from his work truck into Home Depot stores. While I'm Turbo Jamming my ass around the living room, thank you very much), and surfing the Internet for something called the 'fat burning furnace, ' (but I made him stop because I'm hot enough already, thanks)(oh, hilarious!). And that, friends, is apparently how you lose six pounds in two days.
I could, of course, lose around 190 pounds in five minutes by shoving him out the door, but, again, the roads are icy, so where's he going to go, hmm?
Anyway, long story short, I really have no excuse for not writing for so long other than perhaps crankiness induced by the drastic reduction in Diet Mountain Dew my body is presently working through. How I miss that nectar of the gods. However, I do hope you've missed me because I've missed you. You know it's true.
And if you've actually built a robot model of me, I might want to talk to you about building one of my husband because if he keeps up with his plan, he's going to waste away to nothing by next Wednesday and I'm really going to miss him when he's gone.