...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

do you love me (like I love pizza)?

Hey, Internet! I've got a question for you. It's inside that intricately folded up mass of notebook paper I just shoved gently into your palm. It does look like a swan, doesn't it? I'm glad you noticed, Internet. That makes me feel good.

Did you also notice I've not been around for awhile? That's kind of the reason why I wrote you that note, so I'm hoping you'll read it and give it some thought. What's that? You don't want to read? I don't understand that, Internet. You're the Internet! The very point of your existence is for others to read, isn't it? Oh, and to surf for porn, you say? I wouldn't know about that, Internet. Now you're just scaring me.

Ah, and also because you don't have hands to open it! Silly me, Internet! Sorry! Didn't mean to be insensitive...though I bet not having hands really cuts down on the point of that porn surfing, eh? It's OK, I won't tell.

OK, since you don't want to read my note, I'll read it for you and you can answer directly with any or all choices that apply. Ready?

Dear Internet,

Hello! How are you? I am fine. I'm writing this to you because whenever I'm around you, I feel something weird in my tummy. Maybe it's using the word 'tummy,' I don't know. It's not a word I say much. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you missed me, Internet. Do you? To make your answer easier, I'm providing you with multiple choices in hopes you'll get back to me soon.

Do you miss me? Please check any that apply:
  • Yes
  • No
  • A little bit.
  • Who are you again?
  • What's in it for me if I say yes?
  • Seriously, who are you again?
  • Very much so. In fact, in light of your absence, I constructed a scale model robot of you from schematics I drew up using only your profile photo and my vivid imagination. I call my robot RADKOG. Because it is rad! And also because it is made of cogs. Get it? RADKOG!
  • I started out making a robot that would reflect how sad I've been about you disappearing from your blog for no reason these past couple of weeks and planned to call it SADKOG, but then I was like, "Well, that's kind of a dumb idea because if it's sad, that means it will cry and crying will just make a robot rust, so what in the world am I thinking?"
  • I can too build a robot that's capable of crying!
  • Yes, I absolutely have amazing robot building skills.
  • Go away. You're scaring me.
  • No
Thank you for your honesty, Internet. I'll eagerly await your response.

My love always (even though I want you to know that my saying that shouldn't in any way make you feel uncomfortable)(no pressure)(seriously)(I do love you, though...).

Me

********************

I honestly have no explanation for why I've been AWOL here for a couple weeks. Heck, I'm not even sure you care why I haven't been writing. Maybe you just assumed the Bigfoot finally got me, as will one day surely be the cause of my demise.

That or maybe that weird robot you built, which, btw, great job on getting my hair right!

Anyway, we haven't been doing much around here lately, so that's probably why I've not been writing. Today we're trapped inside the house together and riding out a minor ice storm. If you caught the use of the word 'we're' then you know that means my kids have YET ANOTHER DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL. I think I can count on one hand how many days they've attended since returning from holiday break on January 3rd. Also, my Tool Man decided it wasn't worth braving the conditions to pimp drills and other tool-like items of which I am clueless, so he's here, too. Hooray! Every one of them is pacing this place like vampires and I am the sole blood-bloated human taunting them with my throbbing veins and beating heart and they...well, they are making me crazy. I love them, I love them, I love them, but Mother Nature has been holding us hostage far too long already this season and I'm close to playing the theme song to Barney in hopes it will drive her or them out soon.

So there's that.

It might be a great idea for Tool Man to bust out soon. On Monday, the two of us kicked off a fantastic healthy eating program to replace the one we've been on awhile called "I don't know what to have for supper so do you want to just call Papa Murphy's and get a pizza?" This morning, just two days into our stellar program, he sat down next to me on the couch and asked if the time of day impacts weigh-ins. After I informed him that I choose to weigh myself in the morning (and only once a week because, hi, if I wanted more guilt and self-loathing, I'd just call my mom), he said, "Hmm...that's interesting. Well, I weighed myself this morning after breakfast and I just am amazed by how much I've lost so far."

And then I killed him and thus, I have no idea how much he lost.

Oh, no I didn't. You know I didn't! Instead, I (tried not to roll my eyes and) asked him what he lost and he happily informed me that he's lost six pounds so far.

SIX POUNDS!

IN TWO DAYS!!

This after consuming a medium Dairy Queen pecan cluster Blizzard on Monday (aka - the first day of our new healthy lifestyle) to top off the double cheeseburger he'd eaten prior. The tasty ice cream treat alone, friends, is a prize package valued at 1,050 calories!

(also, shush. We don't eat out that often and Monday nights are 'kids eat free' nights at Dairy Queen, so when we do, we like the economic perk, alright?)

I should also add that while I've been tracking calories and points, working out like a mofo and drinking so much water that I've had to get up and use the bathroom eight times while trying to write this post (it's only been two days, so I'm still super excited about all this), he's describing his activity level as "low" ("I'm just going to count walking as my exercise," he told me. Around Home Depot stores. Or from his work truck into Home Depot stores. While I'm Turbo Jamming my ass around the living room, thank you very much), and surfing the Internet for something called the 'fat burning furnace, ' (but I made him stop because I'm hot enough already, thanks)(oh, hilarious!). And that, friends, is apparently how you lose six pounds in two days.

I could, of course, lose around 190 pounds in five minutes by shoving him out the door, but, again, the roads are icy, so where's he going to go, hmm?

Anyway, long story short, I really have no excuse for not writing for so long other than perhaps crankiness induced by the drastic reduction in Diet Mountain Dew my body is presently working through. How I miss that nectar of the gods. However, I do hope you've missed me because I've missed you. You know it's true.

And if you've actually built a robot model of me, I might want to talk to you about building one of my husband because if he keeps up with his plan, he's going to waste away to nothing by next Wednesday and I'm really going to miss him when he's gone.

Labels: ,

53 Comments:

Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I friggin' hate when that happens. Hubby's lose weight while still consuming mass quantities and annoying the livin' shit out us!

Let's get together and build a robot that rips their frickin' thyroid glands out of their necks and totally messes with their maletabolism.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 1:46:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Awesome post! Blood bloated human!

I gave up Diet Pepsi last week and I miss it, oh how I miss it! I can so relate.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 1:55:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

FADKOR

FADKOBUD
for a different kind of Robot.

or for a different kind of blow up doll.

I missed ya.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 1:56:00 PM  
Blogger just making my way said...

Yay! Seriously, and I'm not just saying this so I can be your favorite, (because, duh! I know that already) I was thinking about you this morning!

This was just what I needed. A good dose of FADKOG.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Why is it that men lose weight faster than women? Is that God's idea of a joke? Yeah, right. It's right up there with men reaching their sexual prime at 18 and women at 30!

P.S. I missed you!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:06:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

To hell with diets!

BTW, no, I didn't miss you, I've been watching through the drapes bwahahahaha ...

No, no, I haven't. That's creepy and shitty of me. Sorry.

Fuck Tool Man and his weight loss, I will not have him make me resent his ability to inhale cheeseburgers and lose weight. You have my permission to shoot him.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:33:00 PM  
Blogger zeghsy said...

at this rate the kids are going to be in school all summer. is that good?

men that brag about their weight-loss should be shot on principle alone. the co-worker says he won't gain any weight until he hits 40 and then it'll only be a little tummy (i used that word all the time). it makes me hate him. the emotional eating i did last summer made me way bigger than all my dancing should have allowed. hmph.

for the record: i did miss you.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:46:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

While you were AWOL, we all lost 6 lbs by walking around home depot. its the new thing! :) glad you're back, blood bloated one in a house of vampires - ha!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 3:48:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, you know I've missed you terribly. . .

Some days I feel like the last man in blog-space. You know, like that story from the Martian Chronicles, where the guy is the Last Man on Mars, and he makes radio contact with the Last Woman on Mars, and spends weeks crossing the planet to be with her, but when he finally gets there, she rejects him. . . Sorta darkly hilarious, in an ironic sorta way. . .

Anyway, blog-space (at least the corner of it where I've always hung out) is gettin' to feel a little bit like that. . .

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 4:13:00 PM  
Blogger 我 moi said...

interesting blog and post :) happy new year to you :) !

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 6:43:00 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

We miss you!
And men lose weight just by thinking about it; so not fair.
But we keep it off longer.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 6:49:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Yes. Though I've been terrible about reading my favorites lately, so our timing coincided!

Last time Matt said he'd like to lose some weight, he lost eight pounds in four days or so. Didn't change his diet or move around more or anything, just uttered the magic words. I want some of that.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 6:51:00 PM  
Blogger Kyddryn said...

Babe, life rolls on...sometimes right over your big toe.

It's always nice to see you out in the Blue Nowhere...Blogopolis just isn't the same when you're not around...but heck, you have real people to feed, clothe, house, and refrain from murdering in their sleep, so you're excused...for now.

Men lose weight so easily in the beginning. It's a conspiracy. Women are supposed to have curves. Who wants to hug a bony mommy?? No one, that's who...poor kids, putting their eyes out on a hip or collar bone...won't anyone stay soft and cuddly for the children?? Think of the children!!

Meawhile, my word verification is "subcreeb", which sounds like something DB would need ointment to treat. I'm just sayin'.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger Sarahf said...

Gah! Men, bloomin' typical! My health regime lasted about as long as it took me to get bored at work and decide a walk to the cake shop was a legitimate use of my work time. Can't break away from the Diet Coke, just.can't.do.it...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 7:15:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Hell-to-the-yes we missed you. You are not allowed to go all thinky-missing (like me) because you are my Internet joy, my chuckle a moment, my why-in-the-hell-can't-I-write-that-funny.

My word verification is "veight", is that German for weight?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 7:26:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

I totally missed you and had I had the technical know how to make a robot that I could dub RADKOG, I might have considered it, but instead I chose to weep quietly into my low calorie wine while humming the theme to The Breakfast Club to myself and dreaming of the day you'd come back to me.

Appropriately enough, my word verification seems to be vinto. I'm sure that's "wine" in some foreign language. Which just makes my "I miss you" story even better.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 8:47:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Considering the fact that I seem to always have "1000+" posts to catch up on in my reader and my writing is very photo-heavy lately...I don't judge. BUT that said - I did notice that you weren't around much since your "..." puts you at the top of my reader. (Advice to anyone starting a blog - either come up with a title that starts with an A or add a ... - since that will be a surefire way to make sure your readers notice your new post).

Men can lose two pants sizes in a week - so you can't pay any attention to that nonsense. Dieting with your husband only serves the purpose of not having to cook two separate meals (you know - you aren't me and you actually cook for your husband). Comparing progress is just a one way ticket to the local psychiatric ward - or possibly a gun store. Just don't go there.

But come back here. Often. You were most defnitely missed.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 8:51:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

But we're glad your back. I'll let you know how the robot comes out.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I am glad you're back, and haven't been abducted by bigfoot-robots, nor have you been incarcerated for the (justifiable) homicide-of-husband-who-can-lose-weight-while-not-trying.

(oh, who am I kidding, I can too, so I'm just grateful you haven't set a precedent that will inspire *my* wife!)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I had roommates who only had to stop drinking for two days to drop 5 pounds. It killed me since I didn't drink.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 10:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Well I just assumed that it was because you were swimming across the ocean to bask in my beauty. But CLEARLY that wasn't the case.

So now I am pissed.

But will forgive you if you get your minions to build a robot version of me. Deal?

Thursday, January 21, 2010 3:48:00 AM  
Anonymous angie said...

i'll give you this much... when you do post, you POST! i'm still trying to get back into the wordy blog thing.

oh, and, you were missed!

Thursday, January 21, 2010 5:31:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You HAVE been missed.

Glad to hear someone else is suffering on the eating better/dieting bandwagon. It's been one week today for me and I'velsot 5 lbs. Of course I'm starving all the time and hurt everywhere since I've also taken up running.

Actually, I'm miserable. But thinner!!!

Hallie :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010 6:53:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Its totally not fair. What day of the week does Tool Man weigh in? Because, you know, I'd consider 're-calibrating' the scale the night before... I'm an equal opportunity of suffering through weight loss and its slow ass struggle promoter.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:25:00 AM  
Blogger Middle Aged Woman said...

1) Of COURSE I missed you. And I will totally circle yes, which means, I think you're cute, too.

2) Start spiking tool man's food with some of that bulking-up powder that body builders use to put on weight fast.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

well, crappity crap. My husband does the same damn thing. Loses weight by doing NOTHING while I'm working so damn hard to lose, um, 1/2 a damn pound. MEN.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Adam P. Knave said...

Robots. Heh. No, no robots built in your honor.

...just a scale model of you in lego. Lego made from the reduced remains of bricks once used to build houses for aliens.

...you know how it is.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

awww, I've missed you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I live with a man who can eat ANYTHING HE WANTS and not gain a single pound. I recently watched him eat two bowls of stew for dinner, three pieces of bread and a cupcake for dessert. An hour later he had ANOTHER bowl of stew (midnight snack perhaps) and he's still skinny. We could trade.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 11:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

I would like it noted that I am responsible for this post. Or at least, I am responsible for guilting you into writing this post.

I would also like it noted that I would have italicized several words in that last paragraph, but I am not smart enough to master the keyboard of my phone.

I would ALSO like it noted that I suck at robotics, which is why Electronic You only has one arm and a raging case of the "repeaties." That's what I call it when Electronic You repeats things over and over, like "Bigfoot! Bigfoot! Bigfoot!" and "Beej is awesome Beej is awesome Beej is awesome!"

Heh. The repeaties. Isn't that cute? No?

Stalker? Who? Me? Am not! You can't prove that!

(stuffing one-armed robot into incinerator)

Thursday, January 21, 2010 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

You know that consuming vast quantities of water will make your weight go up, right?

I've missed you, but I've not been much into the posting lately either. I think I'm too boring!

Thursday, January 21, 2010 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Is that your eye in the upper center panel of my computer, because how else would you know that we HAVE been building robots here lately which is why I haven't been by to visit or even to post?

Yes, I have been missing you, which is why I stopped by, so you're making me feel less guilty knowing we're all in the same boat.

You're also making me feel hungry with all the talk about pizza and frozen treats, and since I'm not stuck in an ice storm, just a rain storm, that's sounding pretty appealing right now so I'm going to leave so as to avoid jumping right in there with you and those 1,050 calories.
(Who am I kidding? I'm going into the kitchen to get another chocolate cupcake.)

Hang in there with all those guys and we'll see you on the other side of all this weather.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 2:29:00 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

All I hear about is how easily men loose weight. So. Not. Fair.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm disappointed that you didn't make the questionaire into one of those interactive things. I'd have ticked every box.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 4:52:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

I noticed you didn't have an option for "I love you and would very much like to pick up our unholy civil stalking each other in a Joan Jett Runaways sort of way." That would totally be my vote. Oh, and I totally have mad roboting skillz. (Note to self: I need to update my resume. I had previously placed Mad Roboting skillz under hobbies and not their proper place - Skills.)

Thursday, January 21, 2010 7:25:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

As a matter of fact, I do have a robot you, but I had it before, so you know HOW AWKWARD IS THAT?

Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger Miz Dinah said...

It's so unfair that men seem to lose weight faster than women, and even sadder that they don't know better than to brag contest-style about how much they've lost and oh, by the way, how much have you lost? Oh, hmmm. I've lost 6 pounds. Even though I ate a 20 pound turkey and 2 pounds of butter for breakfast. It's amazing. :)

So where did you put the body? I recommend the freezer, next to the ice cream. There's no better diet aid. Plus, I think they weigh more when they're frozen. Take that.

Friday, January 22, 2010 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I miss you like I miss Dairy Queen and ours closes for winter, my sweet butterscotch dip. And Magic Shell just ain't no substitute.

Friday, January 22, 2010 12:44:00 AM  
Anonymous A Vapid Blonde said...

I have been rocking back and forth in the shower. Wringing my hands if anquish...Actually totally wondering WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN! Downloading music no doubt!

Keep up the healthy fight!

Friday, January 22, 2010 6:31:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

WELL there you are!!!!!!!Yeah two days off from school over here this week--ugghhh!
yeah my hubby has the metabolism of a six year old --ARSE!!

Friday, January 22, 2010 6:50:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Ummmmm. . . I just wanna say that this whole Men-Losing-Weight thing is not a Universal Law of Nature, or anything. . .

I've been known to gain five pounds just by breathing air in the same room as a pan of brownies. . .

Just sayin'. . .

WordVer = 'spartiol'

Which has nothing to do with where I went to school, right?

Friday, January 22, 2010 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Men burn a little over 26% more calories than women just because we're men.
Other than that I've missed you harder than a college level calculus class.

If you want a boost for weight loss you may want to look in nitric oxide suppliments....

Friday, January 22, 2010 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

It looks like me and a lot of other people did miss you...
keep writing, even if it is drivel.
Some day I will lose weight again - first I got to be able to eat normally....

Friday, January 22, 2010 9:40:00 PM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

i didn't make a robot. i actually choreographed an interpretive dance of how much i missed you, instead.

Friday, January 22, 2010 10:06:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Not loving FADKOG is like not loving the sun.

Of course we missed you, silly rabbit.

Saturday, January 23, 2010 1:09:00 PM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

It's because you scare me that I've missed you. But errr, I only just got back myself.

Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:14:00 PM  
Blogger BiketoWork Barb said...

I've missed you! I chose to do a bread dough sculpture in lieu of a robot (how often do you get to say "in lieu of"). But we ate it. It was delicious. You're welcome.

@BarbChamberlain

Sunday, January 24, 2010 2:54:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

gave up diet pepsi. It tracked me down. All better now.

Sunday, January 24, 2010 3:30:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Ain't no sunshine when you're gone.

Monday, January 25, 2010 5:19:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I missed you greatly, and I didn't even know you were gone, because I was missing myself. I have your three weeks beat by about 6 months, so don't feel bad.

Reading you always makes me very happy. :-)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 8:26:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

OK, I see yer game. . .

You withhold yer goddies for a couple weeks, just to get us to the edge of faDKoG withdrawal, and - voila! - 50 comments!

Yeah, you're dumb like a fox, aintcha?

;)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Hmm...51 by my count...

;)

My game certainly isn't an awesome one, and that's mostly because I'm far from awesome! Hope to be back later. The weather and the basketball and the weather and the basketball and the early dismissals and the late starts and the basketball. They pull me!

PS - I TOTALLY LOST SEVEN POUNDS LAST WEEK. Tool Man wouldn't tell me how much he lost. He's either being kind or I totally trumped him. My guess is he's being kind. Because he learned his lesson from all the eye rolling and sighing I did when he dropped the six pounds/two days theory on me.

PSS - Did I mention seven pounds? Seven pounds. Yep.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I hear ya sister. I've been AWOL too and I don't think anyone made a robot Me. You're so lucky.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 8:01:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home