...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

hooray, hooray! it's my birthday today!

Well, it's my birthday today for about three more hours. Depending on when you read this, it could just be plain old Wednesday. Understandable. It sometimes takes me a few days to get to your blogs, too.

Also, no offense to anyone who has a birthday on Wednesday. Happy birthday to you!

I spent my birthday as I do each November 15th - snorting cocaine from the small of a male model's back and sipping Cristal from the sexy pair of Crocs I bought online a few weeks ago. I can afford the good stuff because I used a coupon code for 10 percent off the sale price of those sexy and sensible shoes and huzzah! No sales tax OR shipping fee! That's just how I roll. Isn't that what the kids say these days? I have no idea because I turned 42 today, and apparently I'm not a kid anymore. Thanks, crazy old lady knee for reminding me of that every morning as I try to get out of bed! Kudos to you!

(and to sweet Ali Martell for calling me both hot AND 25 - though not in that order - on Facebook today. Oh, I remember 25. It was back when I thought 42 seemed like a lifetime away!)

There was also cake to be had today! Hooray! Cake is so much better than cocaine and Cristal, neither of which I've actually had. That previous paragraph is what's called 'a creative license' or some such thing. I'm writing this strung out on a big old hunk of that triple chocolate creation up there, which my Mom graciously volunteered to make by saying, "If I made you, the least I can do is make you a birthday cake." It made a lot of sense once I got past that whole ooky thought of my parents once having sex, which, yes, is still quite ooky even though I am now 42.

It also makes sense because my husband wasn't around much this weekend to toss a few eggs in a bowl to do me the honor. Good times.

Where was I? Oh, so seriously, I'm a little shaky on the cake thing. And on the fact that my boys referred to it as a butt cake. Because it's a bundt cake. Get it? Yeah. Classy. They also wanted to put 42 candles in it and burn our house down, but I begged them not to, even though I'd have appreciated the warmth that sugary inferno would have put off. It's chilly in here. Or maybe I'm just going through menopause and my hormones are all out of whack. That might explain the brief crying jag I had in the shower this morning, but nope, I'm pretty sure all this is still open for business. What's that got to do with lighting my cake up Bon Jovi-style (in a blaze of glory...get it? hilarious!)? Nothing. I just didn't want it to join the Great Wall of China as the only man-made (or in this case, mom-made) object visible from space.

So how did I spend my birthday? Brace yourself for the excitement I'm about to throw down on you! Ready? OK. I caught up on episodes of Cougar Town on hulu. Because given my age and my fondness for young male celebrities, it seemed appropriate. After about three episodes, I began to think the man who does the pre-show advertising voice-overs was imagining me naked because he seems very, very smarmy. Go! Check out a couple shows and then come back and tell me I'm not imagining things!

...waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...waiting...

See what I mean?! But do you want to know what's worse? When he told me "The following is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Tide (implied Rawr!!)" I was all, "So...how you doin'?" to my laptop. Yeah. Would a woman going through menopause be trying to hit on a faceless man inside her computer? I didn't think so. Instead, I saved my sexy come on for my Health Choice Cafe Steamer (poor name, poorer taste) that I warmed up for lunch. No, my basil chicken didn't speak to me first. I didn't give it the chance. I dove right in as soon as I pulled it out of the microwave and saw the two measly bites of pale chicken nestled next to a lone broccoli floret and a sad slice of red pepper and cried "Oh, yeah, Healthy Choice, you just try to tempt me with your massive zucchini chunks and intoxicating half-frozen glaze of indistinguishable flavor!"

Yeah, I think someone needs to stay home a bit more and bake me some cake, if he knows what's good for him...

But since he doesn't read my blog, I'll just have to tell him. Anyway...

Oh, I also bought a Food Saver vacuum packaging system online today after talking to my sister on the phone about how we don't have any money. I know. Talk about impulse! She told me she'd bought one a few weeks ago, and because I've always wanted what she has (mostly that just entails her naturally curly hair and the extra six inches of height she has on me, but still), I whipped out my handy dandy golden ticket - a Kohls 30 percent off coupon - and got a steal on it (not really). Then I called her back and told her how much less I paid for the same thing and she responded by yelling "You suck!!" and I said "First, that's no way to speak to your elders and second, I think you mean this awesome food vacuum that I'll probably only use to reseal our bags of generic corn chips sucks because that's what it's made to do and if you ask some people here if I am made to do the same way, they would say no, I am not, but that person didn't bake me a birthday cake today, so there."

Or something like that. I'm just excited to get it so I can freeze the half a butt cake we have left and spend days preserving 5-pound bags of chicken breasts.

Because I figure if mine are getting older, at least the ones we eat don't have to.

Labels:

56 Comments:

Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Am I first???

Sunday, November 15, 2009 10:02:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

HELL YES I AM!!! Happy B-day FADKOG! I adore you, now off to read post!

PS: Being first is like a really cool party favor around here. :)

Sunday, November 15, 2009 10:03:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Happy Birthday you sexy woman you.

Kohl's 30% off coupons are fantastically delicious.

Sunday, November 15, 2009 10:03:00 PM  
Blogger Tanis said...

Happy Happy Happy Birthday you sexxay beyotch you.

I'm so glad you are my elder.

Otherwise, you'd be hotter, smarter, more talented and bigger boobed than me.

At least I have youth on my side.

Wink.

Sunday, November 15, 2009 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Happy Birthday!!!

I say, Go wild, enjoy the "Butt" cake, and don't let any of it get sucked up by the food saver vacuum pack!

Sunday, November 15, 2009 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

Happy Birthday!

Sunday, November 15, 2009 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Happy Birthday!!!!

Scorpios do it with attitude!

Sunday, November 15, 2009 11:55:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Happy birthday! I'd pick cake over coke any day. Even butt cake.

I haven't seen Cougar Town as my TV watching dance card is quite full these days. But I may be willing to kick Gossip Girl out of bed for sexy voice over guy. Those girls just make me feel old and saggy anyway.

Monday, November 16, 2009 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

Happy birthday! You don't sound 42 at all. You sound much younger and much hotter and....wait... are you picturing us naked?

Monday, November 16, 2009 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Happy Birthday!!

And yes, I agree with you on the Hulu voice. The dude creeps me out.

Monday, November 16, 2009 1:06:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Happy B-day (late)!

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:03:00 AM  
Blogger Super Yoss said...

Happy birthday. For me, if we use internet, no problem about 'time' and 'when' and 'who', or 'where'. I hope you'll have the BEST in your life! (Need to taste that cakeeee . . . send me send me..).

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:10:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Happy Birthday O' Sweet Vixen of Vocabulary!

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:17:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRHTDAY! Sipping crustal from a croc is VERY sexy!

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:18:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

At least your blogreaders hung out with you to wish you a Happy, right?!
O the mistakes a husband can make (I am sure he is wonderful in all other ways....REALLY!)
here's my tale of birthday woe from back when I was married--it's my birthday prez to you!
It's my Fugday and I'll Fug if I Want to, in the archives under October (12th) 2005.

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:32:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Actually, that cake looks sorta like The World's Most Gimungous Hemorrhoid; so, you know, maybe 'Butt Cake' was a more apt label for it than you realized. . .

We also like to remind our kids that, not only did we make 'em, but they're made OUT OF US! Which never quite seems to inspire the awe in them that we're meaning to convey. . .

And ah, yes. . . I remember 42. Back when we only had seven kids. . . ;)

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And oh, yeah. . .

Happy Birthday!

Have a Coke and a smile. . .

;)

Monday, November 16, 2009 7:01:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Happy Birthday! Scorpios Rock! But then, we already knew that didn't we? Hope your day was good and your butt cake tasted heavenly.

Monday, November 16, 2009 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Happy Birthday!
Enjoy that butt cake.

Monday, November 16, 2009 7:31:00 AM  
Blogger Jean Knee said...

Happy Birthday!

I bought those same crocs and they are smookin

Monday, November 16, 2009 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

You're a nut. A funny nut. But Happy Birthday anyway... "butt cake" sounds like something beavis would say :)

Monday, November 16, 2009 8:49:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Happy Birthday, and how as there any butt cake left to freeze? Don't you have men in the house? lol

Monday, November 16, 2009 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

This food vacuum system you speak of sounds perfect for saving and shipping a slice of that GORGEOUS cake down to NC. Mr. Sweetypants and I have been celebrating the birth of our very favorite blogger anyway, so...

Monday, November 16, 2009 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Happy birthday to you! That cake looks amazing. If your mom wants to bake me a cake for my birthday I wouldn't say no. I'm just saying...

Monday, November 16, 2009 10:47:00 AM  
Blogger calicobebop said...

Happy Birthday! The cake looks very tempting - for a butt cake. :)

Monday, November 16, 2009 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

Okay so first of all, Happy Belated!! My son's birthday is today and he is awesome. Must be a November thing. Anyhoots, secondly that cake looks YUM. Send me a piece int he mail please. Thanks. And thirdly, my mother is a die hard food saver addict. I teased her about so much when she first got it that she wrapped all my christmas presents in it. But let me tell you what, every time I pull a brick of partially moldy cheese from my fridge, the first thing I think is DAMN!!! I wouldn't have this problem if I had a freaking FOOD SAVER!!!! So peace out FADKOG. I'm gonna go wait by the mailbox for that cake. Better yet, just email it to me. Thanks!

Monday, November 16, 2009 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Happy Birthday, you sexy thang. You best have left some cocaine for me.

Monday, November 16, 2009 2:42:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Hope your birthday is bangin'.....that's what the young kids say today.

My mom hasn't made me a cake since I was 18 and I'm older than you. Sad, but true.

Monday, November 16, 2009 2:55:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Dude, how excited am I that I am only a DAY late for your birthday post? And I have the best birthday present for you EVER. Seriously. here it is: http://www.amazon.com/Who-I-Am/dp/B002X31T0W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1258398062&sr=8-1-catcorr

Listen, enjoy and swoon.

Love you baby cakes! Cougars unite!!

Monday, November 16, 2009 3:18:00 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

Happy belated birthday.

That cake looks delicious. *Swipes a piece*

Monday, November 16, 2009 3:20:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Happy Birthday! A day late and a dollar short! That's me!!

At least you GOT a cake on your birthday - not me. Birthday's are like any ole day to my husband. And I wasn't near my family at that time of year to celebrate with my twin sister or older brother.

I loved your last line, "Because I figure if mine are getting older, at least the ones we eat don't have to."

That is hysterical!

Monday, November 16, 2009 4:29:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

Happy Birthday gorgeous! Hope you've had an even more wonderful day than what you've described here!

Monday, November 16, 2009 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Happy belated birthday, you hot thing! Are you legal yet?

Monday, November 16, 2009 6:09:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

Another November person? we Scorpios do have or sting, huh?
Happy B day!

Monday, November 16, 2009 8:29:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Happy, happy birthday!

Monday, November 16, 2009 10:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Yeah, I am late. But I have a good excuse maam...

*snigger*

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 5:08:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

I prefer to drink my Cristal with my slippers. I let it soak all in and then squeeze it out. The lambswool makes for a good secondary filter.

Happy Birthday!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:41:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Happy, Happy belated birthday!
Hope you had a great one and sent me some leftover cake!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

HAPPY birthday! Butt cake IS delicious and I love Cristal out of a pair of Crocs! Cheers to you ...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 3:06:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

O, sweet FADKOG, a most happy birthday to you and you butt. Um, bundt.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 3:55:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

(1) HAPPY BELATED
(2) Parents having sex will always be gross, no matter how old you are
(3) I've never seen you in person but your hair in your profile picture doesn't look a day over 25
(4) Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, says "glamorous birthday" like a food vaccuum packaging system
(5) Did I mention HAPPY BELATED? I did? Well, take it again. That's right, TAKE IT.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 10:07:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

OK, that was one fantastically AWESOME post! LOVE it! Happy Birthday you! I know this is going to sound all stalkerish and stuff but for my next birthday I want to wish to be as cool as you.

Oh, and do you have a cat by any chance? Because if you do, do NOT let it get near those vacuum bags. Seriously, that's how the one holding our squished comforters was ruined. You might want to be a little careful with your cougar claws, too.

RAWR!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 11:50:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Happy Birthday!! I've been so MIA and so I'm glad I didn't miss this. Plus, it cracked me up as usual.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Happy belated birthday to you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Happy Birthday. The Cristal, cocaine and male model are in the post ...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 1:23:00 PM  
OpenID joyiseverywhere said...

Ahhh Happy Belated Birthday! Funny, I DID wait until Wednesday to read this.

I hope it was fabulous!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger Nenette AM said...

yup, here it is, plain old wednesday, and I wish you a happy birthday belated-style.

hope it was a great one, you hot 25yo, you!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 11:19:00 PM  
Blogger just making my way said...

Okay - so now it's THURSDAY and I'm so totally latey Mclaterson over here.

But! I do still wish you a very Happy Birthday!! You are wicked hot and it doesn't matter how much butt cake you eat, we'll all still love you and your amazing vacuuming skills!

Thursday, November 19, 2009 8:54:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Dammit. I KNEW your birthday was coming up, and I totally spaced on it. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

That said: Happy birthday, oh wonderful fadkog. May this year kick the ass of all previous in every possible way.

Friday, November 20, 2009 6:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

where the hell are you woman? It has been DAYS since your birthday!

Oldtimers set in?

Saturday, November 21, 2009 5:18:00 AM  
Anonymous A Vapid Blonde said...

So I am way late to your birthday party, cause you know I have been busy snorting champagne off a crack heads model airplane...in first class.

I turned 41 this year and we ate rotten sushi and I think 5 out of 5 of us got food poisoning from it so your cake looks divine...and it is only called a butt cake because that is where it usually ends up after being eaten. But not your butt, other ugly butts!

Happy Birthday!

Sunday, November 22, 2009 6:26:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Hey...hey...is this thing on?? A week? Yeah. A frickin' week since I've been around. You might be wondering if I've been doing anything fantastic in that time?

No.

Nope.

Yawn.

But hey! Thanks for all the fantastic and quite lovely birthday wishes! Last Tuesday night, I squirted about half a cup of Hershey's chocolate syrup on a quarter hunk of that leftover birthday cake and went to down on in. When I was done, I was huddled in the corner, rocking and perhaps quietly weeping in shame. It would have been nice if all of you had been around to take the fork away, perhaps suggest I share what was left of the cake with you. Of course, you would have had to run away quickly lest I tried to stab your gentle and loving hand with the fork (because yeah, I used a fork instead of just my grubby paws), but that is just a detail. A detail I could have written about in this thing referred to as a 'blog' (or, in this case, a "blah, blah, blog") over the past week, but, what'cha gonna do, hmmm?

Anyway.

Truly, though, thank you. You people are awesome. And perhaps hungry, but seriously, by Tuesday, the cake was a little dry, anyway, so it's not like you missed out on anything. Especially the loss of your hand.

Sunday, November 22, 2009 7:52:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Oh, lord...did I just say I went down on that leftover birthday cake? Good god... TO TOWN!!! I WENT TO TOWN ON THAT BAKED TREAT!!

Sweet heaven.

Sunday, November 22, 2009 7:53:00 PM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

Ok, so I totally suck because I haven't kept up with my reader for the last three weeks and I totally missed your birthday.

Happy Belated!

It's ok that there's no cake left. Dry or otherwise.

And by the way? You rock 42 like I rock 45, except you're younger and probably perkier.

:-)

Monday, November 23, 2009 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

First, please allow me to apologize for being absent from your blog, lo, these many weeks. I'm sure it has been a great sadness.

Second & more importantly, happy belated birthday! Having partaken in two of those three Cs, I can vouch for cake (even Butt Cake) being superior to Cristal. Hope you had a terrific one.

Thursday, November 26, 2009 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

happy birthday, you PYT!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009 7:07:00 PM  

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