sure, i took photos, but only so my kids could avenge me
You know how I'm always "Mark my words - I will die by the meaty paws of a Bigfoot!"?
Yeah, well, I take it all back. I take it all back and issue the following apology to Sasquatches:
I am sorry. You will not be responsible for my untimely demise. Forgive me for disparaging you through the years. You are cute, cuddly, and sweet, and my fear of you was misplaced. Please, come inside. Let me make you a nice bowl of soup and we'll watch Animal Planet together. Here, let me work the remote for you. I realize it can be difficult to push those tiny buttons with your large, not lethal hands. I love you, Sassy! That's right. I'm going to call you Sassy now. Kisses, Sassy!
Maybe you're asking Why the change of heart, Irrational Girl? Because this beast is currently laying in wait on my front steps and, as you can tell by it's wild eyes, it fully intends to massacre me!
This thing popped up and was all "You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today," when I stepped out of the house to take my youngest son to the bus this morning. Did I scream?
Yes, I did, and rather than sliding over the hood of his car to save me, the neighbor guy, as usual, just smiled and waved goodbye to me as he prepared to head to work. It was fitting he waved goodbye, of course, because this things is out there, and it wants me.
While walking back home, I honestly plotted ways to get back in my house that would let me avoid this beast, but the garage door was shut and the windows were all locked, and because we all know how Tool Man approaches home repair projects (don't make me say caulk again), I frown on damaging the dwelling. This meant I had to walk near this monster again, and I know. I know you're all probably saying "Big deal. It's just a bug. Buck up, little camper," but let me give you another perspective:
What's the big deal, you ask? Well, let me point out that my camera was rendered incapable of fully capturing this thing's 59-foot wingspan (Twig span?). Oh, you think I'm kidding, but I assure you, I am not one for hyperbole! Sure, you THINK it won't harm me, but let me point out that a praying mantis can capture a hummingbird! Granted, I'm no hummingbird (and I can't carry a tune in a bucket)(ba da bum!), but please, if they are training on hummingbirds, it's just a matter of time before they work up to humans. Look! It can IMPALE a hummingbird's chest! There's nothing nice about the word impale. Praying mantis? Oh, no, my friends. This spawn of Satan should be called what it is - a PREYING mantis.
I have no way of ending this post. I just pray it's not The End of my posts. Rest assured I'll not be fooled by someone ringing my doorbell or tapping the glass today.
Pray for me. This thing absolutely isn't.