...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

sure, i took photos, but only so my kids could avenge me

You know how I'm always "Mark my words - I will die by the meaty paws of a Bigfoot!"?

Yeah, well, I take it all back. I take it all back and issue the following apology to Sasquatches:
I am sorry. You will not be responsible for my untimely demise. Forgive me for disparaging you through the years. You are cute, cuddly, and sweet, and my fear of you was misplaced. Please, come inside. Let me make you a nice bowl of soup and we'll watch Animal Planet together. Here, let me work the remo
te for you. I realize it can be difficult to push those tiny buttons with your large, not lethal hands. I love you, Sassy! That's right. I'm going to call you Sassy now. Kisses, Sassy!

Maybe you're asking Why the change of heart, Irrational Girl? Because this beast is currently laying in wait on my front steps and, as you can tell by it's wild eyes, it fully intends to massacre me!


PEOPLE!!!

PEOPLE!!!

This thing popped up and was all "You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today," when I stepped out of the house to take my youngest son to the bus this morning. Did I scream?

Yes.

Yes, I did, and rather than sliding over the hood of his car to save me, the neighbor guy, as usual, just smiled and waved goodbye to me as he prepared to head to work. It was fitting he waved goodbye, of course, because this things is out there, and it wants me.

While walking back home, I honestly plotted ways to get back in my house that would let me avoid this beast, but the garage door was shut and the windows were all locked, and because we all know how Tool Man approaches home repair projects (don't make me say caulk again), I frown on damaging the dwelling. This meant I had to walk near this monster again, and I know. I know you're all probably saying "Big deal. It's just a bug. Buck up, little camper," but let me give you another perspective:



"You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste."

What's the big deal, you ask? Well, let me point out that my camera was rendered incapable of fully capturing this thing's 59-foot wingspan (Twig span?). Oh, you think I'm kidding, but I assure you, I am not one for hyperbole! Sure, you THINK it won't harm me, but let me point out that a praying mantis can capture a hummingbird! Granted, I'm no hummingbird (and I can't carry a tune in a bucket)(ba da bum!), but please, if they are training on hummingbirds, it's just a matter of time before they work up to humans. Look! It can IMPALE a hummingbird's chest! There's nothing nice about the word impale. Praying mantis? Oh, no, my friends. This spawn of Satan should be called what it is - a PREYING mantis.

I have no way of ending this post. I just pray it's not The End of my posts. Rest assured I'll not be fooled by someone ringing my doorbell or tapping the glass today.

Pray for me. This thing absolutely isn't.

Labels:

37 Comments:

Blogger Meg said...

Oh. My. God. RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS! Holy crap that is a big ass bug!

I have to admit the last bit of your post about how you aren't answering your door if the doorbell rings made me think of the Orkin commercial where the termite rings the bell and asks to use the phone. Stay away praying mantis!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 10:04:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Why did I follow the link to the photos of a praying mantis eating a hummingbird? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger just making my way said...

I'm no help because I think those things are damn cool.

Although the first time I saw one when I was a kid I screamed bloody murder. My Mom came running out of the house sure I had broken a leg or something. I didn't much appreciate her laughter when I shakily pointed to the "monster". But I swear I am not laughing at you!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Hummph. Bunch of insensitive neighbors, you've got, I think.

I'm hoping (and praying) that this isn't the end of your posts, indeed!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well you know, you being female, run less of a 'mantis risk' than us males do. Poor male mantises get to copulate exactly once in their lives, at the climax of which, the female bites his head off. Literally. Sorta the ultimate real-life snuff flick (I wonder if his mouth is eternally, orgasmically open? But really - who cares? It's in the belly of his mate).

At a recent HS football game, our section of the bleachers was buzzed by a rogue mantis for most of a half (those critters are downright awesome in flight, lemme tellya). At one point, 4M captured the thing, and put it on one of his buddies' shoulder, which induced the poor victim to squeal like a little girl. Or, I gather, you.

;)

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:22:00 PM  
Blogger calicobebop said...

Holy COW! And I thought my giant centipede was bad - at least the centipede won't impale me! Brrr... It might be time to move.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

O.M.G. I needed this laugh today. I can totally imagine that dude knocking on your window. FREAKY! I'm not sure I would have made it back into the house. I would have thrown some sticks at it to get it out of my way.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Did I honestly just see you write "I am not one for hyperbole"?

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 1:26:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

At first I was all "but they only chew the heads off the males after mating!" And then I looked at your links- I'd probably be more afraid if birds didn't scare me more. In fact, humming birds are the only ones I can think of that don't paralyze me with fear. Even so, that thing looks just a little too ready to pounce for my liking.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

I was wondering what the hell that was. So that's what a preying mantis looks like! Ugly fucker, isn't it?

As an American, shouldn't you be armed? Blow the bastard's head off.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 2:11:00 PM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

I LOVE praying mantises. Weird, but true. I hate all other bugs.

And if a praying matnis visits your home, which it did, you're going to have good luck. I'm sure that is 100% correct and not something I made up.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I am sorry about the beast; however, I love PRAYING MANTISES. I just think they are so cool!

Jumping camel crickets? UGH.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 3:46:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

OMG. This reminds me of that bug ad that runs on TV. It freaks me the heck out. This one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNW4Rnx0kxk

*shiver*

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 4:08:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

Oh I'm soooo posting pics of what lovelies we have hiding in the shadows here in NZ.

That whole PM kills teeny bird thing? Gross. And kind of scary. Stay inside today!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 6:10:00 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

A bug? Pshaw!

Now, eyeball? I will freak out if someone tries to put in contacts in front me.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 7:56:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Holy moley that's a big MF! Yeah, I'd DEFINITELY make a BIG detour around that sucker. Do you have any pussy willow bushes/trees around your house? I heard they like those and are often around them. I didn't believe the whole "killing the hummingbird" thing till I clicked over and saw it with my own eyes. Holy Shit! Run! Run for your life!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 9:33:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I hate bugs. I hate ants with a passion. The little mindless devils. I completely understand.

Carry a pan to kill it.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Did you know that a preying mantis is a sign of good luck in the orient? You didn't? Well ya do now.

Thursday, November 05, 2009 6:18:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

I think that PM females also eat their male mates after mating (how do I know that fact, I don't know)--so that's cool right???

Thursday, November 05, 2009 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

Listen, I'm glad you're safe but I'm even happier that you took pictures like the professional blogger you are because... That PM looks wicked cool!!

Thursday, November 05, 2009 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I see that nutrition has given you some length of bone but you ar enot one generation from poor white trash are you agent FADKOG?

Thursday, November 05, 2009 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh my... that's the kind of bug my daughter would capture and keep in a "habitat" and make her pet and freak me out with it late at night as she wandered the house calling out "Manti! Where are you?"

Thursday, November 05, 2009 9:51:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

ok, desmond already beat me to the punch in the insect post coital practices department but yeah, sorry....we think those critters are kinda cool here. did yo uknwo they are the only insects with jointed heads so they can move their head around to follow you in their line of sight. anyway, i'd have gently hustled it on its way just for you.

Thursday, November 05, 2009 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Good Lord...that bug would send me for the hills!

Thursday, November 05, 2009 1:57:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

the female is the one to watch out for .. you know they rip off the male's head before copulating ..

Thursday, November 05, 2009 4:47:00 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

That bug is freaking me out.

Thursday, November 05, 2009 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

OMG! I still laughing, it's not easy typing a reply with tears in my eyes. PREYING MANTIS.....hahahahahahaa. Breathing is good, what a great way to start the day.

Friday, November 06, 2009 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

This comment is unrelated to your alien bug encounter. Your email address is still "no reply at blogger dot com" - see? I'm on a mission here. And I can't find an email address for you anywhere. ;-(

But I'm loving that you got rid of the Captcha word verification. I could never read that thing.

Friday, November 06, 2009 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

See, you know why that thing is praying, dontcha?

He's saying grace. . .

;)

Friday, November 06, 2009 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Rube! What a great word! Let's start a campaign to bring that back into the pop-culture lexicon! Suck it up and overcome your bug fear, because you've got some mad insect photography skills and a future at National Geographic!

Saturday, November 07, 2009 7:05:00 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I would have had to move. leave everything and just move.

Saturday, November 07, 2009 8:23:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I don't blame you a bit. I'd be screaming and calling my husband.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 12:41:00 AM  
Blogger Kitty Moore said...

Erm...are you still out there? Has the bug gone?

Sunday, November 08, 2009 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

You need one of those flamethrower things that they use in "Arachnophobia". If you haven't got one, you could always order it on the internet and get them to airlift it into your back garden.

Alternatively, you could always tunnel under it.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 4:50:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Meg - Those Orkin commercials freak me out. Especially the giant bug driving by slowly, casing the joint.

TwoBusy - Because I can make you do anything I say. Anything. Give me a billion dollars...

just making my way - I think they're cool, too, but mostly in photos. Not in photos of them impaling hummingbirds, though!

Sailor - It'll take more than a giant bug to stop me from posting. Well, life-size bugs knocking on my door might stop me...

Des - I forget every fall, we're visited by these things, thus the shock I always feel. I've never seen one flying, and that's quite alright by me!

calicoebop - I shudder to think a centipede, with all those legs, having the ability to impale!

Cocotte - The only things near me were rocks, and the thought of this thing's guts exploding all over me? Gah!

ftn - Yep. Sure did. I know it's hard to believe.

Chasity - It's the beady eyes that seem to be following me really put me over the edge!

Chris - I am a peaceable American. I like to hide inside and watch cable.

Under the Influence - I could use some good luck. Or a million dollars. I'll take either one!

Anna See - I'm afraid to google jumping camel spiders. OK. I just did. Um. OMG!

Laggin - I hate those, too. I think it's that the giant cockroach sounds so damn suave.

Mad Woman - I look forward to exotic, foreign bugs!

Heather - I'm totally with you on the eyeball thing. Now, a bug putting in a contact? That would put me over the edge!

Pat - We just have some plain old ugly plants around our house, but these things show up every fall, so I hide!

Heather - My sons like to capture these things and then bring them in the house to show me their new friends.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 9:54:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Savage - I could stand to have a few more of these things hanging around the place if that's the case!

Christina Lee - Very cool, and very bad ass. Science is cool!

Bee - I do what I can for the people!

William - Yeah! I'm glad someone caught the 'Silence of the Lambs' love!

Carolyn - As soon as I saw this thing, and after I took the photos, I immediately hid my sons' bug houses so this thing wouldn't become a beloved member of our family!

lime - You mean it can totally follow me not just with it's creepy eyes but with it's head to help? Blech!

Nap Warden - I think there are even bigger, scarier bugs in the hills!

Divine Chaos - So I hear! ;)

WhisperingWriter - It haunts my dreams!

Dawn - I find you can get a lot more done in a day when you are breathing. ;)

Carolyn - I hope it's working now!

Des - Before it devours me, of course!

That Girl from Shallotte - I'd like to campaign that 'conundrum' also be used far more in daily conversations.

bernthis - Trust me, the thought crossed my mind. I seriously thought of getting out of here like a ghost spoke to me in the night and told me to get out! Sadly, I'm far too lazy to pack up the kitchen.

Heather - Mine was asleep on the couch at the time I discovered this, and didn't hear me yelp!

Kitty Moore - The bug hung around the place the entire day. It as finally safe to come out late Saturday afternoon. Thanks for checking!

Brian - These are excellent suggestions. The only thing that prevents me from tunneling underground is the chance there will be lots of nasty bugs burrowing in the dirt.

Sunday, November 08, 2009 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger kanishk said...

I shakily pointed to the "monster". But I swear I am not laughing at you! Work from home India

Thursday, November 12, 2009 7:26:00 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home