...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

behind the bushes 'til i'm screamin' for more

Oh, sexy Internets! I wish I had witty and wonderful things to share with you, but this weekend? This weekend has sucked the life blood out of me in a way I imagine Edward eventually gets around to doing to Bella in those Twilight books that, mark my words like the mark of the beast, I remain steadfast in my refusal to read any more of. In a way, it's fitting I only read through book number two (bear with me, Twilight lovahs, for I'm going for a bad joke in three, two, one...) because they were crappy!

(rim shot!)
(p.s. - Internets? be careful searching the Internets for 'rim shots.' seriously. you'll thank me.)

As I was saying before I decided to toss out some new material I've been working on (which KILLED in the Midwest, btw!), this weekend has sucked the life blood out of me, which is really amazing when you consider the only time I ever really got off the couch and left the place was to spend the bulk of Saturday crammed into elementary school gymnasiums to watch my sons play basketball. Do you want to know how many times a person can sit around and watch the same episodes of Ace of Cakes on the Food Network? Suffice to say it's A LOT! When everyone else in my life one days leaves me, I know that the fine hooligans at Charm City Cakes will be loyal because I've watched them make a giant hamburger cake 29 times in the last two weeks.

As I still need to say, here's how I see my life lately: my couch (or bed or mini or hospital or bookstore or school gymnasium) is essentially Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs and me? I'm a young Dr. Erica Hahn down in the pit, rubbing lotion on my skin (which reminds me, I need to add lotion to my Target list...) and blubbering on about how I want my mommy. When I'm stuck in a pit in the basement of some dude who wants to make a pretty suit out of me (or on your couch or bed or mini or hospital or bookstore or school gymnasium), not much is going on in my life. At least not until Jodie Foster busts in without backup and gets my sorry ass ("Oh, oh wait. Was she a great big fat person?") dragged out of there, and until I get dragged out of there, I've only got a couple options - try to get that damn poodle Precious to grab the bone so I can yank her down into the pit (or couch or bed or mini or hospital or bookstore or school gymnasium) with me and work out a plan to play on Buffalo Bill's emotions, or give you a big old post about nothing.

Look what you get!

Are you confused now? I'm am. I should have stuck with the Twilight material.

This post is really going downhill. I should get back to the gist of where I wanted it to go when I teased you with the title of it - talking dirty! I want to talk about....

CAULK!!

Remember a couple of months ago when I told you about the delicious irony that is my Tool Man and his sad way with home improvement projects, specifically where caulk is involved? I know very few (aka - none) of you were clamoring for proof of just how unwieldly my guy is with his tool(s) (probably because - high fives! - many of you were joining me by giggling at the word caulk), but this afternoon, after briefly escaping the pit, I was driving up my street and was about halfway here when I noticed something odd on my front steps. "What's that?!" I asked Bono, who was singing to me in the mini. "What is that white stuff all over the front of my house? And why can I see it so glaringly from more than 200 feet away?! Bono, WHY??"

Bono didn't answer because he has a new album to promote (not to be biased, but my pretend husband and his friends cranked out a good one), so when I got inside, I stepped out the front door and discovered my Tool Man had been playing with (his) caulk again (blame Seth, my inner 14 year old boy for that previous parenthetical insert...)!

PEOPLE!! What my Tool Man did is a travesty! Want to see?

Brace yourselves! In fact, find someone nearby to hold -

Oh, that's not so bad, you say? You've seen worse, you say? When have you been in my bathroom, and seen the caulk massacre Tool Man did up there a few years ago, I ask? The one he promised to fix when I started hyperventilating when I say it, but now, whoops! Too late!
I know, I know. It's caulk. It's outdoors. It's not a perfect science. Bear in mind that I noticed this from more than 200 feet away! Through the barrier of a small shrubbery (notice how it all ties into the title of this post now? clever, I know!
)! While Bono was singing sweet nothings to me!

OK, well then, if that didn't terrify you, how about this? Try not to scream -

Through the barrier of a small shrubbery, you ask? Yes, which perhaps explains the tiny twig that appears to have been forever fossilized to the side of my house now. I'm not suggesting you click on either of these photos to enlarge them so you can properly CSI them, but if you do, I hope you've not eaten recently. I don't even know what's going on around here. All I know my Tool Man did this secretly so as not to give me the opportunity to talk him out of it, and that this further digs into my scary perfectionist tendencies and twists the knife. This doesn't appear to be the type of thing you just paint over and make pretty come spring, does it? Not that I'd trust my Tool Man with a paint brush at this rate, based on this.

Now, Bono, perhaps...

Where am I going with all this? Nowhere. In fact, if you read this far, forgive me for just Buffalo Bill'ing you ("That still doesn't make any sense to me..." you mutter)("Me, either," I say). I thank you for sticking it out. And since we're talking about sticking it out and caulk and taking human skin and making suits out of it (wha?!), let me leave you with one final thing -
BALLS!!

My sons were so excited to get these two balls to balance that they wanted me to take a picture to freeze this fabulous moment in time. Their faces flush with the glow of accomplishment, I didn't feel it fair to point out that the bucket and conveniently placed plastic wall behind it made calling this 'balanced' a bit of a stretch. So BALLS! YEAH!!

P.S. Pathology came back late Friday afternoon on the lump surgeons removed from my Dad last Thursday. Not cancerous! Raise your hands in the air like you don't care!

P.S.S. My thanks to all of you who commented on the previous posts about my Dad. In light of this post, I extend my most sincere thanks (or apologies) to those who remarked how delighted and thankful they were that I am (was...)(hmmm...) a writer!

Labels:

44 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

I don't really have anything to say, I just wanted to type "caulk"

caulk

There, I did it...

(ps, great news about your dad)

Monday, March 09, 2009 12:18:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

You've got a talented bunch of men living with you!

So glad to hear the results of your dad's biopsy.
Phew!!!

Monday, March 09, 2009 3:44:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

THAT, is a horrid caulk job. If I ever find myself in Iowa, I'll be sure to stop by and fix any caulking you require fixed. VanGogh and Pollock would be horrified to see anything like your hubby's caulk and they put out some creepy shizzle.

You may be able to "fix" (for Seth) the caulk with sandpaper....

Monday, March 09, 2009 5:33:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

That is a really bad caulk job - the only thing to make it more hideous would have been some bugs stuck to it.

And I love when my kids ask me to take a photo of something wack like that!

Monday, March 09, 2009 5:54:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I can just hear Tool Man muttering to himself, "Next wife must be incredibly farsighted and can only see a book in front of her face..."
hehehe
thanks for the update about your dad--in fact once I clicked on favorites I went to you first hoping there was an update! SO glad to hear the tumor was not cancerous.
also, since there were no Jonas Brothers movie reference, I know that you saved yourself this weekend for MEEEEEE...I mean, so I could drive in from Bama next weekend and see it with you!

Monday, March 09, 2009 7:12:00 AM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

soooo glad to hear about your dad!!


and the ToolMan .. well, you have my sympathies. I'm not sure which is worse .. not having a man around to caulk, or having bad caulk. *snorts giggling* yeah, couldn't help myself :p

awesome balancing job on the balls, by the way.

you've got caulk and balls, what more could you ask for??

Monday, March 09, 2009 7:25:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Awesome news about your Dad!!

Caulk. *snort* That is a seriously bad caulking *tee hee* job. My sympathies to you and Precious!

Monday, March 09, 2009 7:41:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Given his marriage to you, ya think Tool Man would be better at trim work.

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

There are worse things a husband can do than play with his caulk when you're not home. Yes, it's a messy job, but SOMEBODY'S got to do it.

I'm sorry, please forgive me. It's Monday morning and I seem to have misplaced my self control.

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:17:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

woo-hoo about your dad!!! You're just lucky I read past your first paragraph, you brat!
HORRIBLE caulk job toolman! Terrified of silence of the lambs movie- give me shivers but its a damn good movie too!!!

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:21:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I'm so glad about your dad!

So sorry about the caulk job, or jobs- perhaps this is one area where your tool man should just quietly put down his caulking gun, and back away with his hands in sight.

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Yeah for Dad!

Yeah for balancing balls!

BOO for caulk!

Hallie

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:34:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

If you don't know what you're doing with your caulk, you practice. In private. Where no one can see. NOT out in front of the house, where friends and neighbors won't be able to turn their eyes away from your caulk and the mess it made.

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I thought caulk-blogging happened on Wednesdays. . .

ba-doomp!

And my goodness, we are just flush with the naughty punniness today, aren't we?

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:28:00 AM  
Blogger The Wulf Man said...

That caulking job --- Ha! Now that's funny!!

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

It's the mature attitude to life that keeps me coming back, FADKOG.

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

whatever...a post about caulking (giggle) with some Buffalo Bill references? you = my hero.

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I'm so glad to hear your dads pathology came back positively great! Thats such a great relief for all.

I remember days sitting in high school gymnasiums watching random kids run around playing hoops. Oh wait. That was last week. Time flies...mmmhmm.

Thankfully those days are over!

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

I can only add a couple of nuggets of gold here.

1) My husband has "caulk pants" they are covered in dried caulk from his massacres of the past.

2) I walked out onto my deck this weekend and my husband apologized for the bead of caulk he'd just created before I could EVEN SEE IT! Yeah, no pictures, just because I couldn't do it.

and finally:

3) When I was pregnant with my son, I lovingly told my husband, "the baby can here you now, say something, daddy!"

He leans over, places his hands on either side of my fatness, presses mouth to my tummy and says:

"It's puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again."

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

LMAO! I just posted the sameish post about Mark and his total disregard to making things look nice when he's finished with a project. Him and I ordered a swing set this weekend and luckily we have a few weeks before it gets here. I made an appointment with a marriage counselor, just to prepare us for the fight that is sure to come.;)

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Caulk - yuck.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

You seriously need to tell him not to play with his caulk so much. He's going to make the internets go blind with those projects.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

Caulk and Balls!!

.....and "not cancerous!"

All of those things make me do the smile thing.

Funny story. While vacationing on Kiawah Island, SC with a soccer teammate of mine, as well as his 4 year old son, we had the fortunate experience to hear said 4 year old run about the House yelling...."It puts the Lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the Hose again!!!!" Over and over.

It was some Eczema thing this kid had. And that was the way his Dad coerced him to put on his Eczema cream.

Awesome.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Glad to hear the results are negative.

And wow that caulk job...good thing you didn't marry him for his home improvement skills.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

yay for non cancerous lumps!

as for the caulk, he needs some serious lessons in caulking.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

Only you can write about caulk & balls so eloquently.

Great news about your Dad.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

PPS - My dumbass just realized what the title of this post was.

I'm now thinking you should date my husband and not me.

He sings this song... ALL THE TIME!

Monday, March 09, 2009 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

what are you complaining about? At least you got to play with caulk and balls this weekend!!!

Monday, March 09, 2009 1:56:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Glad you dad's okay.

... and thanks for the adventures in caulk.

Monday, March 09, 2009 2:09:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I think instead of saying the F word when I get peeved now I am going to say Caulk.

Monday, March 09, 2009 6:14:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Caulk sounds so much like....um, yeah, "caulk"

careful.............

Monday, March 09, 2009 8:21:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Oh dear Lord!!! That is bad so so so bad! And yet... so funny!

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Ya shouldn't oughta let your wood touch the ground. Good caulk or bad caulk, you're gonna get rot in your cracks. THEN you got a real problem!

My inner 12 year old feels SO much better now.

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Ok, I am the lamest internets friend you have because I have been so absent in the land of blog to know that your dad was sick... I AM GLAD TO KNOW IT IS NOT CANCER!!!!!!! I am waving my hands in the air and I really do care!!!

As for caulk - I told you the last time you mentioned it to stop mentioning it because caulk - the very sight, the very sound of the word - makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide in the corner of the pit, nay BEG Buffalo Bill to get the damn thing over and make the f'ing suit already. You see, those abomonations are beautiful works of art compared to what my husband can do with caulk.

That being said, Holy Hell, could he get any more in one spot?

I followed you from hither and yawn and understood every cotton picken word.

Which scares me. Really bad.

And my pit (which is more of an impression) on my side of the bed is there because J&J played Wii all.weekend.long from Friday morning to Sunday night. I was banned to my room. Sadly, I was FORCED to lay around and watch stupid tv.

I only wish I would have known that Clarice and BB were options to watch!

Monday, March 09, 2009 10:40:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Hide the caulk from Tightwad! He's a caulking maniac!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 7:48:00 AM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Caulk, balls, wow.

But I'm going to add to it....ready? It's bad.

Tool Man put his caulk in your crack.

Oh dear.

You can be scared of me know.

Oh and *hands in the air -- wave style*! Yay!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 7:52:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Bono refuses to return my calls as well.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm sorry your hubby has trouble with (his) caulk. But I'm sure there's much more to your relationship than just caulk. And at least he tries. He gets credit for the caulk attempt.

Great news about your dad!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I always pictured the Tool Man as the handy type.....now, not so much...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Michael - The word 'caulk' is really becoming my centering word. Peaceful!

Zip n Tizzy - What they lack in listening skills they make up for with the talent!

Savage - If I come home one day and spy you sanding my caulk, I'll be sure not to scream. Unless you'd like that. ;)

Cocotte - Seriously! I know! If it had been more spring-like outside when he did this, I'm sure there'd be a colony of bugs stuck in there. Also, on closer inspection, what I thought was a small twig may actually be a nail. I can just shake my head....

1blueshi1 - Crap! You've scared me now! It's quite feasible that Tool Man's ultimate plan is to off me and BURY MY BODY BEHIND A GIANT WALL OF CAULK!! (p.s. There are parts of this that may have been his plan for our honeymoon, come to think of it....)

Divine Chaos - Around here, every day is pretty much about caulk and balls, and if it's not, I do everything in my power to make it so!

Dana's Brain - Precious and I need to get out of this pit ASAP!

Always Home - I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you're a saucy boy!

Chas - I should be thankful my husband is keeping his caulk at home, but really, from the looks of things, I can't imagine many others would want his caulk around them. Oh, yeah...I so can't help myself... ha!

Christina Lee - I absolutely was worried I'd lose you after that first paragraph! ;)

Sailor - My plan was to hide his caulk guns, but he's one-upped me and HID THEM FROM ME!!

WWoW - There's a lot of good in there, isn't there? But totally bad caulk!

TwoBusy - I'm afraid the reason why there's three houses for sale on my block right now is because ToolMan is out there in the yard, playing with his caulk. They're tired of watching him!

Des - It's been awhile since I broke out some good spin! You trumped me with the whole caulk-blogging thing, though!

Wulf Man - Thank you!

Chris Wood - It's just wise to be embrace our maturity, is it not, Mr. Wood?

Ali - And you? You are my ideal!

kimmy - Ha! Our basketball season ended last Saturday, too. I turned said a small prayer of thanks that I'll not be running around all Saturday from now on, but I'll miss seeing those boys playing together so well on their teams. They love it so, so much!

Betsey - I'm jealous that your husband apologizes for what's happened. I've taken Tool Man out to the scene of his home improvement crimes and he seems oblvious!

Sammanthia - When we run away together and establish our spotless household, I've little doubt we're going to be very, very happy together!

Under the Influence - Agreed and agreed!

Stiletto Mom - I've told him that it's OK to play with his caulk, but he needs to do it behind closed doors from now on. Sadly, one of those closed doors was my bathroom.

clll - I need a kid who can quote from that movie! That is awesome!

Meg - We probably should have had the home improvement talk before we ever married. Love is blind. Bad caulk jobs are blinding!

Petra - He needs to stop watching so much SciFi channel and watch some DIY Network, for sure.

kaila - Thank you for calling my ramblings 'eloquent.' Thank you very much!

Betsey - If you can work caulk better, I'm still going to date you!

Swirl Girl - Ha! Well, thank you for helping me see the bright side!

Mandy - It feels like you're saying, 'Better YOUR adventures in caulk than mine,' but that could be me. ;)

Kat - I scream CAULK all the time now. Tool Man finds it terribly confusing!

Papa - You have to be in the right frame of mind when you're speaking of caulk. Or the right place. :)

Bee - It's downright shameful, is what it is!

Brian - That? That comment? Is downright fantastic! I'm mad at myself for not thinking of going that way a bit! Thank you!

justlori2day - Trust me, if you could see this caulk job in person, it would scare you far, far more than any move or any job your own husband could do! Have missed seeing you here, btw!

Vodka Mom - If Tightwad can do a better job, I'd hire him to do those that Tool Man clearly shouldn't be!

Laggin - Oh, crack talk! Crack talk cracks me up! Woot WOOT!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life - Right now, I'm just going to tell myself that it's because Bono is so busy promoting the new CD, but if he doesn't all me soon, I'm going to take it personally!

Mary Ellen - He tries. Oh, he tries. I hate to say this, but I'm inspired: Sometimes his tries are half-assed...oh, haha...yeah... :)

Heather - Tool Man has his moments. If you were to see our garage again, you'd wonder when, but he has some moments!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I meant to put this before my responses -

THANK YOU, all of you, how spoke of my Dad and wished him well. Things are still progressing nicely. He's had his drain tube and stitches removed, and while he's still rather thired from things, he's doing well. Things look well. Now, the next step is getting him to a dermatologist to get his lesions we saw checked out.

Also, to my Anonymous commenter - It was good to see you here. It was a nice surprise to see the email. I hope you are well, and are not a complete stranger to these parts.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

You are way too OCD about tidiness if that bothers you. Shoot, I wallpapered our whole house in caulk last week.

I just want to hear you say "I LIKE CAULK." All breathy-like.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

ftn - Every time I talk to you, it's all breathy-like. Why do you think it is we can never manage to go out and get some nachos?

Friday, March 13, 2009 8:24:00 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

So, all I can think when I look at those pics is "hoo boy!" and I'm not even from the south so it sounds a bit strange.

But yeah, wow. Poor guy. Doesn't Home Depot have those free workshops for stuff like that? lol.

:)

So glad your dad is doing OK. Once he sees the dermatologist, is that the end? Hope so. Much love!

Sunday, March 29, 2009 1:49:00 PM  

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