...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

'and when I fall asleep, i don't think i'll survive the night (the night)'

So do you know what happens when you don't leave your house for five days?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Which explains this post, which is about absolutely nothing.

Because I've got nothing.

Actually, I do have something.

I still have this kick ass upper respiratory zombie virus. Of course, that's not the AMA's offical term for what I have. The doctor I finally saw nearly an hour after my scheduled appointment last Friday called it, and I quote, "a bummer."

Let me save you all a $20 co-pay and tell you there are no quick fixes when you come down with a case of The Bummers. What you do is you take a lot of really pointless over the counter medicines and you spend a lot of time dislodging what feels like pieces of brain matter through your nose (you'll know you've achieved that when you think "My kids would be so grossed out and yet fascinated by this if I were to show them!") as you blow into an ever-increasing pile of discarded tissue, and you rock a low-grade temperature that leaves you huddled up on your couch in a Not An Officially Trademarked Snuggie slanket and arm warmers on a Friday night, watching Legends Of The Fall on Oxygen, and just as you're shivering and feeling super sorry for yourself, and wondering what your husband might look like if he perhaps grew his hair long the way Brad Pitt wore his in said movie (sidebar - le sigh...get on me, Tristan), your fever will break and your body will start sweating in places that have never before emitted liquid, and you'll toss off your slanket and arm warmers and hike up your nightgown, and blow streams of raspy air down your cleavage, and you'll think, "Great! This is just totally great! First the bummers and now MENOPAUSE!!"

Then, if you're lucky, it's time for another shot of NyQuil Nighttime and you'll drift off into fitful dreams, which is what I did last night, and often those fitful dreams are fantastic, but I woke up around 3 a.m., from a hacking cough and the thought that I could hear voices murmuring around me in the dark and that? That was not cool, because my exhausted brain immediately went to that whole demon possession thing I'm apparently fixated on at the moment (see previous post) and while part of me realizes that the sound was just my breath as it wheezed it's way out of my lungs, through my throat and out my nose, I was semi-convinced that I heard the words, "You're ours, now!" a few times. Awesome. So I employed my patented way of warding off The Possession - I clamped my eyes tightly shut and I thought, "Nope. Nope. Nope," until I was eventually able to fall back to sleep. Oh, The Bummers, in addition to incontinence, have given me crazy ass dreams.

To say I need to get out of the house is clearly an understatement, so I did yesterday when I went to work, but as soon as I walked in the door, two coworkers told me I should immediately go home because I looked like death (I'd like to think it was just because I didn't wear make up for the first time there ever, but I imagine that, even when I do, I still look like death, but with a rosy glow to my cheeks) and later that evening when I took the boys to Dairy Queen for supper (if you run into Tool Man, please don't tell him, OK, because we're in the midst of this whole Dave Ramsey Financial Peace thingy and this was not in our very scary budget, even though one of the kids ate for free, so score!). I was hoping the kids would give me some fodder o' the blog while they wolfed down their meals, but the most I got out of them was my youngest son's declaration that he hates Demi Lovato, and I said, fine, but when I write about that, I'm going to insert the video of her big yapper singing from Camp Rock, and that means my teenage boyfriend is going in (hello, Joe), but by then, the kid was just about scoring his free Dilly Bar.

Myself, I'd have gone for a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard, but, alas, that was not in the budget.

So basically, what I've done in this super wordy post, is give you nothing, and because of my mind freaks at night, I'm exhausted, so I may just say sorry, and then head up to bed after downing the placebo that is the sudafed I've been taking for the past five days. If you care to just wipe this post out of your memories, might I suggest clamping your eyes tightly shut and muttering, "Nope. Nope. Nope," over and over again until we meet again in what I hope will be far less germy circumstances.


********************

Before I go, I want to say that today, I'm celebrating Cynical Dad Day. To honor Chag, the man behind Cynical Dad and one of my longest blog friends, as he celebrates his 39th birthday, I had planned to pull off a heist in his name. Sadly, being laid up with The Bummers has really impeded my efforts to pull together a capable heist team, and because we've all seen that opening bank robbery scene from The Dark Knight, you know you don't mess around with a team of backstabbers all looking for their cut ("So why do they call her the Joker?" "I hear she wears make up." "Make up?" "Yeah, so people at her job at the bookstore don't tell her she looks like death when she shows up, ready to work hard for her money."). So instead, I want to share a thinly veiled love letter I wrote to Chag last June when he asked me to guest post on his blog. Heists and hearts, Chag! Heists and hearts. Happy birthday!


Labels:

40 Comments:

Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

I'm kind of a Chag fanboy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 12:07:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I hate it when I get the bummers and blow my brains out through my nose. I can usually fill a swimming pool with that stuff.

Mmmmm.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

If it's truly a zombie virus, you need a shotgun. Hope that's in the budget.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 12:16:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

It was a good idea to cancel the heist. You don't want to sneeze your DNA all over the crime scene, any more than the police want to have to scoop it up for analysis. Perhaps you can do it for CD's 40th...

Today's Word Verification: "cnohead"

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:59:00 AM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

I swear I saw some slimy, alien snot and lung phlegm dripping down your blog page. From the looks of things you should definitely take more time to recover. Either that or I'll just be sure to bring some clorox wipes with me next time. :P

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 4:17:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

You woke up after a shot of Nyquil? You must have some sort of superbug because for me Nyquil should have some sort of label that says something along the lines of "Take this medication in bed or you may wake up on the kitchen/bathroom floor due to potency of sleep aid"

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 4:54:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I know your ancestors ate bland foods but you need to start adding spice to yours (as in cayenne pepper). Spiciness and garlicy things keep the bummers (as it were) away. Mind you, you do live in a domicile with two adorable germ factories and then teach the other miscreants on Sundays (which are also germ factories without the environmental departments your germ factories have) so You can't keep the bummers away completely but you can speed your recovery with foods that are at least half as spicy as my lust for you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 5:07:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I agree with Savage on the foods to eat! Love the Dream Police, love your letter to Chag. The Dave Ramsey thing cracked me up because another blogger I know took a photo of a church sign where it said "Dave Ramsey - Fin Peace." Hope you're getting some fin peace after NO PB blizzard :(

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 6:03:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I have quite the NyQuil addiction myself these days. In fact, Teen and I found ourselves fighting over the last shot. I pulled the "mother" card.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 6:27:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

Even when you have mutant bummers, you still manage to crack me up. I hope you feel better soon.


eww - word verification: purgin
(is that what your lungs are doing?)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 6:33:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Good luck with the zombie virus, also the heist. You'll want a big bag of money to celebrate cynical dad day with, no question of that.

Hope you feel better soon.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 7:13:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Man, next time send me $20 and I will diagnose you over the phone! I'll try to come up with something better than "The Bummers."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

Criminy - is everyone in the blogosphere sick? Get some rest - I'll be joining you on the daytime TV watching circuit.

Get well soon!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 8:07:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Ugh! Feel better...I had that a few weeks ago. I'm not sure who, but someone cyber sneezed on me and passed it along bc we all seem to have it in the blogosphere!

Off to Chags to wish him a happy day!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:05:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Shit, I hope she doesn't die. I can't handle summer school.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I self-diagnosed with The Bummer, so I saved the $$, and I guess I'm lucky(??). I've been having fun mixing and matching over-the-counter meds to see if any of their combos might work, since nothing by itself does anything to help. Oh, and I've been searching the net to see if I broke some world record by going through a box of 250 Kleenex in 19 hours.

Feel better soon!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:52:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

It's the Upchuck E. Cheeses Bummers you got! That's it - it's the place that made you sick!!

Both my girls are have the bummers this week - and you know what that means for me?? Blogg-y-time!

Hope you feel better - and I, too, am a Chag fan...but without the Twitter thing...I feel so left out of the party {sigh}

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

When I get The Bummers, I'm blowin' rubber cement out my nose for 2-3 days minimum. Then I just scoop the stuff into bottles and sell it on eBay. . .

And man, you went to all the trouble of draggin' yerself in to work, an' they sent you home? That's cold. . . (HAH!)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Oh you know, if it was 1/2 arm zombie with a shiv virus, I bet it would rock!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

At least the zombie virus didn't impede your ability to make me snort with laughter while reading your post. Well played, sickie.

Now, I'm gonna go take some vitamin c 'cause I feel I may get sick just from reading your description of the zombie virus. Nyquil gives me weird dreams, too. And with J going out of town next week I can't afford to have nightmares about demon possesion without someone to comfort me in the night.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Have I mentioned how much my 5yr old wants An Officially Trademarked Snuggie? You need to clue me in on the whole unsanctioned slanket thing.

How is it that you and For Myself can write these great posts about having no ideas? When I have no ideas - I just have no ideas. Oh well.

Happy Birthday to Cynical Dad!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:16:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

Awww, shucks. Thanks for the this and everything else.

Now get well soon so we can pull off that heist together!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 7:21:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I hope you're better soon.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 8:20:00 AM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

Next time ask the doctor for cough syrup with codeine. :-) It works all kinds of wonders.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 8:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I'm not going to compain about being without power for over a week anymore. The Bummers sound way worse.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I am not leaving the house, not because I am sick or do not know my way around this state yet, but because everyone seems to be sick. You are not getting me f&ckers!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Finally, A Clinical Name for The Crap that I've been suffering with for Nightmarish Weeks now. Just put it in a hockey mask and It's ready to start filming where Jason left off. How short of Blogfodder has this left ME???? let's see, I was reduced to putting together my vacuum cleaner last night...yeah, the one my mom bought me...LAST NOVEMBER.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:40:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Now that Demi her own lame Disney sitcom (and yes, I watched it on Sunday night), I'm finding her more and more interchangable w/ Selna Gomez. But that "Get Back" tune is pretty catchy.

So hold me, like you mean it, like you miss me, 'cos I know that you do.

Get well, faDkog.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 2:59:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

I am trying to fit into a Wedding Suit and you drop a "Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard" reference...

I don't like you very much right now.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Happy birthday to Chag, I will have to stop by and give him my sentiments.

Sorry about the Bummers, I had it a few weeks ago and didn't leave the house at ALL for a whopping seven days. It was, for sure, like, totally, a bummer.

Hope you feel better soon!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 4:12:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

If you had a REAL Snuggie, you would feel better.

I'm just sayin'.

(P.S. Your word verification is "irkle." How adorable is that?)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

nyquil---it's like the devils kool-aid. specially love the cherry flavor and not so much that green god awful flavor.

sorry you're sick. sudafed makes me loopy. i dunno what it is....

i dunno your friend cynical dad...should i know him?

get to feelin better girlie.

hey! we totally need to start meeting up on wednesday nites again! tonight was the first show i've seen in 2 weeks...i'm slackin!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 9:15:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I've been lucky so far and have not been attacked by any type of bugs. Now I'm gonna go knock on some wood... ::wink::

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 10:52:00 PM  
Anonymous anita ovolina said...

We all had it for so many days. What's worse, all of the five girls got it and my husband who is on a 'trip' with the military got it at the same time ...weird..
hope you feel better

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

"dislodging what feels like pieces of brain matter through your nose"

I'm feeling your pain. And picking up some NyQuil today because frankly, Alka-Seltzer Cold is doing nothing for me anymore.
Beware- Alka-Seltzer is the new gateway drug. One minute you're choking down Alka-Seltzer,and before you know it you're chugging the straight from the NyQuil bottle and begging someone to smack you upside the head with a rubber mallet.

Hope you feel better soon. One of us has to.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 7:42:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I had to change my blog. Here's the new link:
http://baconismylover.blogspot.com/

Thursday, February 12, 2009 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Man, sorry about the plague and all. That sucks. And there's nothing worse than being terrorized while you sleep. i hate it.

Hope you feel better.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 12:54:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BP Dad - Chag is, without question, the tits.

Heather - I'm Olympic-sized pool quantity at this point.

Michael - My budget is screwed. I think I probably am, too.

Brian - I hadn't even considered the fact that I'd be leaving evidence all over the heist site! You're a genius!

Chat - At now a week into this thing, I'm afraid I may never recover. Hope you are prepared if you return here!

Kat - Honestly, I think I'm building up a massive resistance to the OTC drugs. I'm like a robot.

Savage - Short of wearing a garlic and cayenne pepper suit, I may be doomed. Actually, if I wore a suit of such, people would think me odd and perhaps leave me alone, so that may actually be the key.

Cocotte - Truth be told, I took the more than $4 I saved on the Blizzard (what a racket, btw) and spent $2 on a half gallon of ice cream at the grocery store. Technically, I still came out ahead.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life - I downed the last of my husband's cough syrup with codeine by pulling the boobs card. We do what we have to do.

kaila - I wish my lungs would purge this death virus as of yesterday!

Chris - Brian says I have to get healthy first before I can pull off the heist, but with all the money I'm dumping on cold meds, I need this heist to come off soon.

Under the Influence - I actually asked, "Do I actually owe you for this?!"

CT Mom - I think we pass the germs off via Twitter.

Stiletto Mom - By the time I get rid of this, it will be my turn to teach Sunday school again. I may be doomed.

ftn - You. Are. Awesome.

Mary Ellen - I just glanced at my tissue box and feel I should warn you, I'm closing in on your record.

Swirl Girl - I dread the idea of my kids getting this. They hardly slow down even when they're ill.

Des - I worked the first full day, but yesterday, they sent me home after an hour. I've made no money this week for meds!

Betsey - Basically, anything involving zombies rocks in my book!

Meg - I'm this close to starting to bathe in NyQuil, or injecting it straight into my veins, if it meant I could kick this thing!

Dana - Heaven help me, I love that Not An Officially Trademarked Snuggie. If you have the means, I highly recommend you pick one up!

Chag - Once this cough is gone, I'm so heist-worthy. I'd give away our plans with one ill-timed hack.

Heather - Me, too!

CC Dad - I guzzled some leftover cough syrup with codeine, and then broke into my husband's leftover bottle. The doctor didn't give me any! Gah! Happily, there's a refill left on my husband's...

Sammanthia - Oh, despite all my griping, I think you have had things far, far, far, far worse!

Tuesday Girl - Like in a zombie attack, it's best to barricade yourself in your home!

1blueshi1 - If the germs won't kill me, the boredom it's causing in my life definitely could!

Always Home - Sigh...you know I'm going to agree with you about that song. God help me, that girl annoys me, but I can dance around to that song. Care to dance?

Bogart - Dude, you're like a marathon robot. You could eat a Blizzard while running and still be in that wedding suit!

Petra - I'm on the eight day mark. I hope I can get out of the house without scaring people around me sometime today.

bejewell - About as adorable as you!

kimmy - Seriously, I think I hear people talking to me and my ears are ringing like church bells, I'm so hopped up on all kinds of meds. I'm going to need a detox center by the time I start to feel better! The only bonus to this? I was finally able to watch the first 10 hours of 24 while laid up on the couch!

Bee - I'd run through a forest, smacking all the trees, if I were you!

Anita - My husband has already had it, and I hope he doesn't get it again, and I'm desperate to hope the kids don't get it.

Chas - You're so right. I've moved on to Tylenol Nighttime with Cool Burst. The taste is god-awful, but twenty minutes later, my eyes are droopy. Wait! I'm now a pusher! Gah!

Heather - What a perfect blog name!

MereCat - I'm now dreaming of a good night's sleep when I can actually get some sleep. Granted, there are demons in those dreams, but still, I have hope!

Friday, February 13, 2009 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Even while on the verge of death (and BTW, there is no point going to the doctor EVER because they refuse to give out prescriptions these days and if I'm not going to get some Tylenol with Codeine to help with my cough, what's the point?) you manage to make me laugh my freaking ass off.

P.S. Tristan is on me right now and I'm loving it.

P.P.S. My kid wants a Snuggie, too. I don't quite get the allure.

Z.P.P.S. Feel better.

Saturday, February 14, 2009 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Cecilieaux said...

A blog about nothing? Sounds like Seinfeld.

Monday, March 09, 2009 9:02:00 AM  

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