...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

...and then a totally crappy day became sort of awesome

Over the tumbling clatter of ice cubes falling into my refillable 44oz plastic cup, I heard the young convenience store clerk throw a question out into the air.

"Can I help you with anything?" she asked.

"Please don't be talking to me," I thought, my back turned to the clerk and my cup now poised under the spigot that would dispense my desired Diet Mountain Dew. "I'm having a really crappy day, and surely it would appear obvious that I'm able to meet my own needs."

To punctuate just how terribly my day had been going, tears welled up in my eyes (Seriously?) (Yes. Things feel just that blech right now). "Awesome. This is absolutely awesome," I thought as I blinked, blinked, blinked to keep the tears from dripping into my Dew.

Then I heard her again. "Can I help you with anything?"

Stabbing a straw into my cup and curving my lips into a fake smile, I whipped around to face her, ready to respond. Except she wasn't speaking to me. Up on her tiptoes to peer over the display rack of Hostess snacks and packages of sunflower seeds and peanuts ("Two for $1! Maybe a cherry pie would make me feel better...") I quickly discovered she was addressing a man at the back of the store man. A man I'd quickly glanced at a minute earlier when I'd charged into the place before rushing past him for my pop. For just a split second, I'll confess that I replayed the clerk's queries, the man's somewhat shady appearance, and his silence, then considered dropping my cup and dashing out of the store, afraid maybe he had a gun tucked into the pocket of his tan hunting coat. "Talk about a bad day turning colossally crappy," I thought.

Just then, the man responded. "Yeah, you gots any rubbers here," he yelled up from his perch in front of the beer cooler to the clerk at the front of the store. In case you're wondering, yes, he did, in fact, ask for them just like like that. Loudly, and with the 's' on got.

Suddenly, it was like the roof lifted off the top of the convenience store and sunshine poured down upon me! What was that I was just saying about having a really bad day?! With this magical moment came a few thoughts that raced through my head as I stood there, now resting against the beverage counter, sipping my drink, taking in the show that was playing out before me. They included the following:
  • There are people who still refer to condoms as rubbers?? Gee, Kenickie, I'm glad you're being safe so you don't get Rizzo knocked up when yous guys is at the drive-in tonight.
  • It was 2:30 p.m., on Sunday afternoon. Had he been in the early stages of something magical when his partner stopped him, asked if he had protection, then sent him shuffling off to acquire the goods that would allow him to 'acquire the goods'?
  • Who actually buys condoms at a convenience store? The mark up on those anti-baby babies has to be extreme! I considered telling him there's a Walgreen's just one mile down the road, but short of having The Actual Sex with this man, I already felt too involved. Besides, he probably is one of those who willingly pays $5 for a gallon of milk when he comes to fill up his truck, too, so who am I to stop him from single-handedly (though if he was doing that, I question the need for condoms) helping our economy?
  • How old do you think the packages of condoms are at convenience stores? Candy bars are full of preservatives that should easily ensure a lengthy shelf life, but I've bought some Snickers bars at this place that have tasted older than I am (whatever that might taste like). However, I'm still pretty sure they refresh the food stock far more regularly than they do the condom display. I considered telling the man I have seven Trojan Mint Sensation condoms that expired in October 2006 in my nightstand drawer (don't ask)(also, they're so old I don't even think Trojan markets that kind any longer)(also? not so mint sensationy) that were his for the taking, and my house is right up the street, but again, this would mean too much involvement. Also, I didn't want him thinking I was a lady lookin' for the Sunday afternoon lovin' (p.s. my mood is so not conducive for such a thing right now...).

With all these thoughts twisting around in my mind (twisted for my pleasure, you might say...), I heard the clerk quietly respond. "Um, there's a few back here on the wall behind the counter. You can just step back there and grab whatever you want."

The Great White Rubber Hunter sauntered past me, still sipping on my drink, then past the clerk. In front of the small peg board display of trusted Trojan varieties, he paused for just a second before grabbing two boxes (three-pack varieties - apparently Kenickie had big doin's planned)("Of course I'm not bitter? Why would you think such a thing?!" said the woman with seven old condoms in her nightstand) and then tossed them on the counter before the clerk, who proceeded to quietly ring him up, accepted the tremendous amount of cash he paid for his new (maybe) rubbers, and wished him a good day.

As he walked away, I stepped up to the counter, smiled warmly and genuinely at the clerk, and said, "Just the refill, please. That'll be all today." She looked rather relieved, thanked me for my purchase, and wished me a good day.

I did rather doubt the remainder of my day would be as swell as Trojan Man's was, but I did wish I could have thanked him for brightening up a bit of it. He was already gone by the time I stepped back outside (busy, busy...or perhaps busy, busy, busy...they were three-packs, after all).

So I did the next best thing I could think of. I raised my 44oz refillable plastic Kum & Go cup to the sky and toasted him. It seemed poetic, and rather magically appropriate.

(Then I got in the minivan, turned to my right, and high-fived Seth, my inner 14 year old boy, who was all, "Heh! KUM and GO!! Kinda like that other dude did!!")

Labels:

61 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

Ha ha! Afternoon delights!

Sunday, January 25, 2009 11:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Twenty Four At Heart said...

So what SIZE did he buy? Details, we need details!
:)

Sunday, January 25, 2009 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

Tee hee hee...Kum and Go...When they first started those in Missouri I was just in awe that they actually thought that it was a good idea to name a store that. But anywhoo.... I was having a bad day one day when I was driving up the road listening to the radio when the radio announcer stated the following:

"There is a multi car accident on National road south of Republic Road apparently someone couldnt stop in time for the Kum and Go and got slammed from the rear"

Yeah well..it was funny at the time ok.... I laughed all the way back to work.

Sunday, January 25, 2009 11:50:00 PM  
Anonymous x said...

I bet they were Magnums, huh?

Monday, January 26, 2009 12:09:00 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

Oh God - I was having a really crappy night, but now I'm laughing so hard I could fill that 44 oz cup. Thank you so much for this...

Monday, January 26, 2009 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

I love Seth.

Glad your crappy morning improved!

Monday, January 26, 2009 12:52:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

"Gee, Kenickie, I'm glad you're being safe so you don't get Rizzo knocked up when yous guys is at the drive-in tonight."

this was my favorite post of yours!! classic Grease reference...loaded with parenthetical expressions ...and mint condoms!

LOL!!

Monday, January 26, 2009 12:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

And that is why I need to hang out with you.

The coolest shit happens to you.

Monday, January 26, 2009 5:25:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Can you blame the guy for "coming" to the Kum & Go to buy his condoms? Maybe he was from out of town and thought it was some kind of sex shop.

You have made my Monday, FADKOG! Love ya.

Monday, January 26, 2009 6:50:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

He should have tried the bathroom - they probably had one of those condom dispensers. But that would have sucked for you because you would have missed out on all the fun!

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:08:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

The Great White Rubber Hunter. That's too funny.

Last week I was behind a guy buying condoms at the 7-11, and I thought about how expensive they were there too. But he didn't look a day over 16, and it seemed kind of statutory to clue him in, so I kept my mouth shut.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:11:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Oh Kenickie, you were always way cuter then that silly Danny!

Love this and so glad the Great White Rubber Hunter cheered up your day.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Heee. Vasectomy + monogamy = no Great White Rubber Hunting. (Thank gawd!) But it sure was a good entry. Amazing where good material comes from.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Many hugs to you. I hope you're having a better day. I know you're disappointed that Desmond didn't take his shirt off, but, honey, there's no need for tears! He will!
He's (meaning the Great White Rubber Hunter, not Desmond) going to regret not buying them at Target or whatever when the condom breaks. Hey, it happens.;)

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Please tell me you plan to have shirts made that say GREAT WHITE RUBBER HUNTER!

You'd make millions!!

Hallie

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:35:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Hehehehe you said "swell"

My inner 14 year old boy just totally high fived Seth.

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:44:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Heheheheheh. My inner 14-year-old boy is most pleased with this.

Off to try & forget questions about minty sensations down, um, there . ..

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

i will now spend all day wondering what kind of woman would have sex with The Great White Rubber Hunter. hahah.

Monday, January 26, 2009 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

hee hee -Kum and Go, Cox Cable....all 14 year olds behind the scenes making up those names....

Monday, January 26, 2009 9:47:00 AM  
OpenID Sus said...

Kenichie! HA! I hope if he offered his "services" to you, you would have replied with, "Sloppy seconds ain't my style."

Monday, January 26, 2009 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

See, I'm with Ali. . .

And, you know, if His Luckiness is gettin' it rubberized, he can't be as lucky as all that. . . Just sayin'. . .

Monday, January 26, 2009 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Ha! Ahhh, a Monday chuckle... now the day will go better. Maybe even develop some sort of awesome...

Monday, January 26, 2009 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Hilarious! I hope your days turn around in general!

Monday, January 26, 2009 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Rubbers. Man, I just had to snicker thinking of that. Glad he managed to brighten your day.

And happy belated bday to your son and Neil. I wish I had known it was Neil's birthday. My love of all things Mr. Diamond runs deep and true. And I would've spared a moment in my busy shopping today to hum a couple of bars of Coming to America. Because I love that man!

Monday, January 26, 2009 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You have GOT to be kidding me? Oh no they did not name a store Kum and Go?

Monday, January 26, 2009 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I buy all my condoms from gas station bathrooms. They carry all the best brands.

By the way, after about five more encounters, I shall have NO NEED FOR CONDOMIZATION EVER AGAIN. Assuming the lab results kum back "all clear."

Feel free to throw me a party. With big, rubber inflatable balloons.

Monday, January 26, 2009 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Actually, 'Kum & Go' would be a great name for a urology practice. . .

Monday, January 26, 2009 2:33:00 PM  
Anonymous abdpbt said...

LOL

"gots"?

Totally awesome.

Monday, January 26, 2009 3:58:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Um... wouldn't the Tool Man be able to tell you how old you taste?

I'm sure you taste as minty fresh as an 18-year-old.

(I'm sorry, I totally could not resist.)

Monday, January 26, 2009 4:03:00 PM  
Blogger Reinvent Dad said...

haha, I like the "Great White Rubber Hunger" I wonder if he would have asked for the Magnum size if he knew you heard him.

Monday, January 26, 2009 6:20:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I was totally waiting for Seth to come out and play...and he didn't disappoint me.

but really? Kum and Go? are you kidding me with that?? That's just wrong.

Monday, January 26, 2009 6:35:00 PM  
Blogger musing said...

For the first few decades of my life I didn't know condoms had expiration dates.

Amazing I only had four kids, instead of fourteen.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger cIII said...

There is no Day so shitty that can't be cured by a full on dose of High Fructose Cherry Pie bliss.

I like to get rid of the superfluous outer casing and Mainline the filling right into my Corroded.

Oh yea. That's the stuff.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:05:00 PM  
Blogger ange and tan said...

Oh dear god...I was having such a craptastic day today and reading about the scuzzy man's need for rubbers was the perfect pick-me-up. Congrats for not spitting out your drink everywhere!

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:43:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

I. LOVE. THIS. Totally made my day!

I say way to not spit out your drink ('cause that's how it would have gone if it had been me)

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:56:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

What I want to know is why he was looking in the beer cooler for rubbers?

Hope things have been much less crappy for you since then.

Monday, January 26, 2009 11:10:00 PM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!! That. Was. Awesome. Way to look on the bright side. Hope the drink was as refreshing as the encounter.

Monday, January 26, 2009 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I wish some Great White Rubber Hunter had stopped by to cheer me up yesterday. You have all the luck. Thanks for making me laugh!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 6:11:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Your story and wonderful writing have brightened my day considerably.

Much ass, grassy ass

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 7:18:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I rarely set foot in a convenience store, but I'd shop at that one just for the amusement factor alone.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 8:50:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Wait. . . It's been a pretty snowy winter. . . Maybe he was just lookin' for some 'overshoes'; you know, 'rubbers'?

'Course, they don't usually sell those at convenience stores, do they? No, I don't s'poase they do. . .

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

THREE BOXES? Oh, my. Honestly, you should have walked up to the counter with a box of the hot/cold KY Gel just for the shock factor alone. I would have. But then again, I'm mean. :)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

That was a mighty fine party that guy was going to. I'm just hoping he is not sharing the disease... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger Keli said...

Well, I was glad to learn he wasn't the shy, silent type. Otherwise what would he have accomplished and how would he have entertained you? Glad he was able to be of immediate service!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

That is simply amazing :)

Uhh... God works in mysterious ways?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 1:36:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And now I'm all thinking about the confusion that could potentially arise (HAH!!) if I went to Meijer's, and asked for rubbers, size 11/12. . .

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 1:48:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Your question about who buys overpriced condoms reminded me about petrol.

I don't worry too much about the price of petrol because I don't fill up very often (once a month or so).

Perhaps he's the same with condoms...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 1:52:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Holy crap! Kenickie! I about peed. Thanks for this funny post. I knew I could count on you. I'm having a bad day, and you made me laugh, and now I feel a little better.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 2:03:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

When convenience store rubbers expire, they are recyled into convenience store hot dogs. Circle of life, girl, circle of life.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 2:19:00 PM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

This is seriously the type of shit I often walk up on. WHich brings me to how I wish you and I got to live together in the same world for just a day. What would that fucking place be like?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 2:45:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

omg THAT was fantastic!!


Kenickie??? Damn good!!!

hhahahaha

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 3:09:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

my grandma called trash liners rubbers.

Hey, Brian, c'mon, over here and help me change out the rubber.

My brother and I giggled every time.

(That last sentence sounded totally wrong.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 5:05:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

hi chica.
i just wanted to check in to see if you were having a better day?

i thought about you today when the moutain dew dude came bearing gifts of 2 liters.

i hope your day is better...and dont cry....

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 5:28:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I'm coming back here soon for these. Apparently I am to "take a shower" and "get moving" and maybe "accomplish something today" first, so we'll see how that goes...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

I pictured that entire scenario in my head as you told it. That was pretty good.
I hope things are looking better for you, hon.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 5:31:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Between the 2 of us, we could hold an expired condom contest!

But seriously, how much is milk where you live? It's $6 a gallon at the regular stores here. We get ripped with gas and milk... but we don't have snow so I guess it all balances out.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 6:14:00 PM  
Blogger Stella B said...

hahaha!! sometimes its the weirdest things that make a day better. That little bit of WTF? that helps you realize that your life can't be all *that* bad. Hope you're feeling better now :-)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 7:24:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

"The Great White Rubber Hunter" sounds like a cheap porno...

Thursday, January 29, 2009 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

AWESOME!
Where do these kind of people actually come out of the woods from, seriously? And how did you not crack up on the spot?

Sunday, February 01, 2009 5:52:00 PM  
Blogger Phil Bennett said...

Excellent!! First time reading your blog and I really enjoyed it.

Thanks for the laugh,

Phil

Monday, February 02, 2009 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Kimblahg said...

I love Kum and Go- we don't have them here (St Louis) but it was my favorite gas station in college. BTW- I've been following your tweets for a while and had no idea FADKOG actually stood for anything. me=idiot

Wednesday, February 04, 2009 12:56:00 AM  

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