...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

would you like a gift receipt?

I'd planned to write some moving Christmas post today, the likes of which would have provoked the Three Wise Men to screech to a halt and call for a do-over on their journey to see the Christ child, and one of them would have been all, "Oh, we are SO saving this post for last when we present the Christ child with our gifts!" and the other two would have nodded in rapt agreement. "Seriously!" another would say, looking down at their bearings of gold, frankincense and myrrh. "I can't believe we thought this would have been cool enough! I mean, what the hell?! I thought we were supposed to be wise men, not lame men!" and the third would have kicked the sand and been all, "This post absolutely makes up for the fact we didn't pick up that Wii when we were at the market place last week. I feel a lot better going into this now."

Yeah. It was going to be that kind of post. The kind that would have had you reaching through the Internets to high five me in a way I expect my oldest son will Thursday morning when he rips open the gift Santa brought him and finds that damn WWE Raw Arena (with two free wrestling figures!!) that he's only been begging for forever. The one I kept saying Santa wouldn't bring him because when Santa was here last Christmas, he tripped over all the wrestling stuff the boy already has and didn't think he needed yet another stage set, but then Santa realized that was pretty much the only thing the kid wanted, and then went about tearing the workshops apart trying to find one, getting a wee bit frantic, and had a fleeting moment where he checked with Mrs. Claus about perhaps getting the child his long dreamed of Wii to make up for it because yeah, it was that hard to find.

(I feel like I just drank a gallon of spiked eggnog writing that paragraph. I'm a bit confused...)

Anyway, my inspiring post is kind of like the Easy Bake Oven I asked for every Christmas when I was growing up: non-existent. If you like, you can blame my mother, who would annually dash my holiday hopes of culinary greatness with sentiments like, "Do you really think you need access to frosting all the time?" and "Girls with hips like yours shouldn't be eating cake anytime they feel like it. Merry Christmas! Here's a pair of brown corduroy pants!"

(give me a moment...)

The reality is I suspect many of you are already gone, traveling to spend time with your family or enjoying holiday traditions with your children. I'll be spending today with my boys, making holiday cookies (so take that, Mom!) and making reindeer food to sprinkle on the snow Wednesday night when we return home form church services, and later tonight, I'll be working my final pre-Christmas retail shift which, if it's anything like last night's shift, will probably compel me to take to my bed for the bulk of Christmas Eve so my children don't have to witness me as I go through the DTs, sweating and muttering "Do you need a gift receipt tonight?" Seriously, last night I had a stare-down contest with a woman who held up the line at the register I was operating as she attempted to get me to cave to a discount for a book that had a tiny fold in the lower back corner of the cover. "I can't believe a business of your caliber would allow a product like this out on your floor!" she raged as I squinted to see the problem. "That's nothing," I replied. "You should really see the condition of some of the books we find in the men's restroom. Talk about your caliber of business!"

(Oh, you're right. I didn't say that! I did, however, absolutely think it as I apologized for the inconvenience and assured her management wouldn't allow me to discount a product with such a minor flaw. I am not, however, kidding about the things we've found in the men's restroom, though.)

So, to draw this long post about nothing to a close, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope you enjoy your holidays. I also leave you with a new Christmas song (a cover version, actually) by my pretend husband (who, um, has perhaps taken to wearing eye liner, though I can't be certain...) and his band. I hope you all find something under your tree that makes you happy, but if it has a tiny fold in the lower back cover, I'm sorry. I hope the gift giver has a gift receipt for you!

Labels: ,

46 Comments:

Blogger Cocotte said...

Merry Christmas to you too, FADKOG. And you know, when you wear glasses, you really need to do something to make your eyes stand out.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I would never ask for a discount for a fold in the back cover. I like stuff that has a little flaw in it.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

i never got an easy bake oven either. shit...now i totally need to buy myself one.

i SO wish you'd said the men's restroom line! hahaha!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Perhaps tonight's plunge into retail purgatory would be made a bit more palatable if you did, in fact, drink the aforementioned gallon of spiked eggnog. Make it a night to remember. For everyone, really.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Um, gag on the condition of the books in the men's room. I honestly never thought about that...that can be your personal Christmas gift to me, a visual that will never ever, ever never fade. :)

Merry Christmas friend...I hope it's a great one for you!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

The men's room thing reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George takes a book into the Men's room, and they make him buy it...

Ewwww.

I hope that you and your family have a terrific Holiday, and you survive your shift at the book store!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh yes, I remember working retail (then I have to go sit in a corner rocking and sucking my thumb).

I had several people bring shoes to the counter and ask for a discount because the bottoms were dirty. I don't know what they were planning to do with their shoes, but mine tend to get dirty on the bottom.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Doesn't that just take the cake? Now that you can afford your own EZ Bake oven...you already have one! It's called the kitchen.
I never wanted one myself as a young girl - quite frankly,the cakes weren't big enough.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Youtube videos are blocked here at work, so I can't tell what it is. You posted a song from me and the "band," didn't you???

Girl's Gourmet Cupcake Maker With Bonus is the new E-Z Bake Oven. At least, that's what my daughter wanted (and received).

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Blogging Under the Influence said...

Love the song - I am going to add it to the songs playing on my blog if I can find it.

And Bono must be committing polygamy, because I thnink he is married to me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

So the discounted books in your shop have probably been kicking around in unsanitary places... lovely!

Have a wonderful Christmas, FADKOG.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

I've seen guys take unpaid books into the bathroom while I've been at the bookstore. It skeeves me out.

Hope you guys have a great Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 12:03:00 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Have a merry, merry Christmas! Enjoy that cookie making.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I never get gift receipts. It's a gift. If you don't like it, tough titty. Let me know and next year you get nothing instead.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Can "The Edge" play or what?

It's going to take awhile to get the whole book/men's room thing outa my head. Ewww..

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger DCD said...

I will have to wait until I get home to enjoy the video - damn work computer!

Wishing you, Tool Man and the boys a very Merry, Merry Christmas!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Merry Christmas! I hope your Christmas is delightful and that you don't run out of things to keep your children busy.

As I have already.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 3:05:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And so Happy Christmas, my friend (even if the war isn't over yet. . .)


Blessings to you and your family. . .

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 4:43:00 PM  
Blogger Last Place Finisher said...

Merry Christmas to you as well.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 5:00:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Merry Christmas, FADKOG. May your long cherished dream of 24/7 cake frosting finally come true this year.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 6:06:00 PM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

Dude, your mom sounds eerily similar to my mom. I would think maybe I discovered your secret identity except my dad has no sister. Therefore our parents can't have the genetic trait of driving your daughters to early anorexia. Bummer. I would have totally loved being your cousin. Then we could sit in the corner drinking our spiked egg nog and being all snarky while our super lame cousins sucked down sugar cookies while remaining freakishly thin. Bitchs.
Anyways, Merry Christmas to you, FADKOG!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 8:08:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I think we should all get a Wii, and hook up through the internets and Wii together. Forget this blog stuff!

Now, to find a game where you might accidentally spill your kickass rack...

Merry Christmas girlie :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

Just stopping by to admire you and wish you a happy holiday! See you in 09!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger Marla said...

I had an easy bake oven or maybe it was a Holly (lost it, sorry) any way, I used all the mixes and burnt out the bulb in about a week and it was over...then I tried to make my own mix and use a 20 watt, cake batter...soupy cake batter, that was it.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:49:00 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

I don't like my books to have flaws. I would have has to have passed.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Mama said...

Merry Christmas! I'll wave as we pass on by as long as mother nature cooperates.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

You are making me never want to buy another book again. EWWWW.

I love you chicklet.

Smooches.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

It may be a post about nothing, but I love it anyway- you always make me laugh :)

Merry Christmas, and don't let Santa trip on the wrestling stuff, k? He needs to get here with the guitar hero thing.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 2:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

Merry Christmas babe.

Only 4 hours to go here in the land of the future aka Australia.

Oh and be careful what you wish for. My best friend always said she was going to marry Bono. And she did. Well a guy who looks just like him anyway...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 3:03:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Have a good one!!!!LOVE BONO!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 7:57:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

If I could ask Jesus one question it would be Why dear GOD WHY does Bono insist on wearing those ridiculous sunglasses? WHY? THE HUMANITY!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I am reaching through the internets to high five you and wish you a happy holiday.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Merry Christmas, High Fives and all that! Have a great Holiday season!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Have a wonderful time with your family this Xmas.

Be naughty!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Digger Jones said...

You have bathrooms at your bookstore? I'd never even thought of it, but now that you mention it...oh the possibilities!

If y'all would only remember to keep the stalls stocked with toilet paper, there wouldn't be so many problems.

Have a happy Christmas! I know I'm going to because one of the boys is getting a certain guitar-ish rhythm game this year. I like me rhythm games.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

merry christmas to you and your family dkog!

love you.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 3:33:00 PM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

A very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 5:05:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Merry Christmas, FAKOG and family! And yes, as a matter of fact, I WOULD like a gift receipt with that. AND a senior discount.

And I expect that you'll take my out of state check with the wrong name on it. NOW.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 6:40:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I didn't get the easy bake oven either - and for the same reason (you've got your grandmother's thighs and an easy bake oven isn't going to make them go away). How we aren't all more scarred .... wait, we all blog so I guess that was the by-product of our denial. ANYHOW, long of short, I just wrote a similar post - once again proving that we are long lost sibs - and Merry Christmas FADKOG, to you and your family :)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 7:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Thursday, December 25, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Just wanted to stop by and say Merry Christmas!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008 5:43:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

I was Easy Bake Oven deprived too! So I bought one for my girls and know what? They never used the damn thing.

*huffy breath sigh*

I STILL hate it when my mother is right.

Friday, December 26, 2008 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I hope you had a great Christmas, sweet funny FADKOG! I've loved reading your blog this year!

Friday, December 26, 2008 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Bono one got up on stage and began clapping his hands to illustrate a point. The point was that every few seconds a child dies. He made the mistake of not informing his audience that that was his point. He just proceeded to tell the audience that every time he clapped his hands another child died.
A man in the audience called out after the statement, "Well, stop doing that you evil bastard!"

Merry Christmas (a tad belated)

Saturday, December 27, 2008 5:08:00 PM  
Blogger Blogging Under the Influence said...

I left a little meme "assignment" at my site if you are interested in joining in!

Merry Holidays.

Saturday, December 27, 2008 6:13:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Hope your Christmas was all that and a bag of diamonds.

A long time ago, I wanted to have Bono's baby. Now I'm glad I didn't. ;o)

Sunday, December 28, 2008 8:01:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home