...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, December 19, 2008

i saw mommy eating santa claus


As I've mentioned before, there are only two questions that cause me to either break out in hives or pretend I'm dead, and they are: "Mom, will you play a game with us?" and "Mom, can we make a craft?"
Hold on. Just typing those queries has made me feel itchy, and trying to scratch with the rigor mortise already setting in is a wee bit tough.
OK.
So my kids got out of school early Wednesday and Thursday. Yesterday, after plying them with snacks and showing them the array of happy pills that were going to bring the woman they know and love back to them, we all just sort of stared at each other with an impending sense of "So now what?" that really doesn't bode well for the two solid weeks we're now embarking upon with with their winter break now starting (I pray none of us resorts to cannibalism). After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, my youngest son unleashed the evil.
"Mom! I have a great idea! Let's make a craft!"
What you see up there is the result of that query, and absolute proof that the graham cracker houses were one gigantic fluke. I absolutely wasn't lying to you when I told you I am not a crafty person. I do not enjoy them one bit. As evidenced above, I do not keep craft supplies in the house (honestly, the red construction paper was a huge shock). In fact, I believe glitter courses through Satan's veins, and his horns are crafted from papier mache.
Do not let the shining blue eyes and crimson smiles of those two handcrafted Santas fool you. Those are perhaps the saddest craft projects ever made, and I say that with the authority granted me as the woman who has Styrofoam balls, massacred with chunks of peeling glitter paint, hanging on her Christmas tree at this very moment.
What's that? You want the pattern? Seriously? OK....
  • 1 apple per child (personally, I like to play against the grain and would have used an orange, but we've eaten them all to ward off the scurvy)
  • Glue
  • 2 marshmallows
  • 4 cotton balls
  • 3 raisins
  • 4 toothpicks
  • 1 small sheet red construction paper
  • red and blue markers

To make: Shake your head and ask your child, "Are you sure you want to make this? Can we just go watch TV instead? I promise not to gripe during as many episodes of Hannah Montana as you want to watch!" then sigh audibly and often when they insist that yes, they want to make this craft.

Position your apple on a sturdy table or counter. Breaking two of your toothpicks into pieces, insert them through the raisins and poke them vertically into the skin of the apple. Times are tough, so ask your kids if they feel the least bit guilty about wasting food products for craft projects, then mention how they must break the toothpick into pieces because toothpicks, like apples, cost money, dammit.

Use one whole toothpick to impale a whole marshmallow to the top of the apple. This will be Santa's head. Quote lines from The Evil Dead while doing so. Some good examples include: "You bastards! Why are you torturing me like this? Why?" and "Shut up, Linda!"

Fold a small square of red construction paper into a cone. Take one cotton ball and break it apart to make the white 'fur' around the edge and top of Santa's cap. Secure with glue, then balance it precariously atop the marshmallow face which, while the cap is drying, can be decorated with markers to make a face of your choice. From experience, children appreciate if your Santa is a happy Santa.

Stretch out remaining cotton ball to fashion Santa's beard, and glue it to the lower half of the marshmallow face. Then, once again bringing up the topic of recession, take scissors and the remaining marshmallow and cut it into two pieces. With the remaining toothpicks, gouge them into the sides of the apple so they appear to be arms. Or muff-covered arms. Or robot wheels. Quote from Army of Darkness. Example: "It may be bad...but I feel good." or "Groovy."

There you go! One apple Santa! Shake your head in sadness, then glance over and see the delight in your child's eyes. Encourage them not to eat the apples due to the pesky matter of toothpicks holding this craft precariously together, then laugh with irony if your child, like mine, is missing his two front teeth, making the eating of apples (if he actually ate them, that is) difficult, then brace yourself for said child to sing, repeatedly, "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth."
Finally, depending upon when you completed this craft, walk around your house, sniffing the air, and asking everyone "Do you smell that?" What is that smell?" Please note that Apple Claus doesn't necessarily hold up well depending upon where you live and what temperature you keep your furnace set at.
The boys are now off school (thanks to a snow day today) for their holiday break. I predict we'll be making snowmen this afternoon. Out of ice cubes. Because that's exactly how crafty I am. If you need the pattern for that, just let me know.

Labels:

46 Comments:

Blogger Desmond Jones said...

"Mommy eating Santa Claus"

One can only hope. . .

Friday, December 19, 2008 10:49:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

Hail to the King (er queen, in this case)

Now give me some sugar.

Friday, December 19, 2008 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Blogging Under the Influence said...

I am so with you on the crafts! I think these look great. And your kids had fun, even if you were trying to scratch your hives the whole time!

Friday, December 19, 2008 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

that is fantastic. Okay, so you come in on Monday and do that craft with my class. Be in room 120 at 9:15 sharp!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

I'll craft with my kids so long as there's beer in the fridge. Now, crafting sober ain't gonna happen.

Great Santa!

Friday, December 19, 2008 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I rushed over here as soon as I saw the title, but quickly realised the contents weren't going to match my expections... Then I read on with increasing hope that the Apple Santa would be chopped in two by an axe... Oh well, maybe there'll be a sequel ;-)

Actually, they look surprisingly good - well done!

Friday, December 19, 2008 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

We are totally going to make this, just for you. I promise to do a crappy job though.

Friday, December 19, 2008 12:32:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Ha, I first read that as "Mom, can we make a crap!"

I have a lot to learn as you have clearly shown.

Friday, December 19, 2008 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Debbie said...

We must be polar opposites because I am usually the one asking my kids those two questions!

Friday, December 19, 2008 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

That title sounded a lot dirtier than the post. whew.

I learned the secret to crafts. Let them do what they want and be prepared to clean. It's about letting go. The games thing...have no figured out.

Friday, December 19, 2008 1:50:00 PM  
OpenID Sus said...

Ha!

"Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants!"

Look at you and your sick crafty ways. And by sick I mean, mildly disturbing with a hint of holiday cheer.

Friday, December 19, 2008 2:24:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I came for the Army of Darkness quotes, and I am not disappointed. What happened to the days when that was an obscure movie that only a select few had seen?

My daughter spends hours upon hours at the table doing crafts. Herself. All by herself. You mean we're supposed to do them with her? That would just squash her creativity.

Friday, December 19, 2008 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

How Martha Stewart of you.

Friday, December 19, 2008 2:49:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Mama said...

Way to score some major mom points! My idea of craft time is plopping some playdough onto the kitchen counter and letting them go to town.

Friday, December 19, 2008 3:20:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

That photo CRACKED ME UP! I thought they were hard boiled egg heads left over from your deviled egg event. I feel your pain on the crafts. Next time, tell them to make those reindeer magnets with the popsicle sticks.

Friday, December 19, 2008 4:15:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

You are SO MUCH better than me. I throw a bunch of stuff on the table and then just see what they come up with. If I'm very lucky, the craft does not involve property destruction...it's going to take me a while to bounce back from the time the super glue made it into the craft box. Googly eyes and pom poms, once applied with super glue to the kitchen table can be a bitch to remove.

Hope your back is better friend!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008 4:29:00 PM  
Blogger Nadine said...

Hahaha! What a great post, and what a great find you are. I've had quite some fun reading your posts. As for the crafts, I am a big fan. And those little Santa Clauses are very cute!

Friday, December 19, 2008 4:38:00 PM  
Blogger DCD said...

I'm right there with you on the non-crafty thing. However, I dread more the "will you play with me?" plea. I have not interest in being the Bionicle bad guy. Especially when I go after the good guy and the rules change, "NO! you can't fly anymore!"

*sigh* Pass the wine, honey!

Friday, December 19, 2008 5:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

babe, my kids are off school till February.

Yeah.

You think we could make that craft every freaking day?

Meh. I am going to hire some DVD's on the way to the winery...

Friday, December 19, 2008 5:48:00 PM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

Hey, we're making paper snowflakes RIGHT NOW! Great craft project! I think the apple clauses look adorable. :D

Friday, December 19, 2008 6:15:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Those are... umm... very special.

Friday, December 19, 2008 6:37:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

how craftastic of you...

I teach my children real crafts, like how to give a good massage and how to make a good mojito.

Friday, December 19, 2008 6:39:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Oh I am so glad these days are over for me.

This weekend though will be spent making cookies..and eating said cookies til I puke.

Good times with Abbie!

Wish you were here...

xoxox

Friday, December 19, 2008 8:59:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I've never seen Santa looking so delicious ...

Friday, December 19, 2008 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

The only crafts I enjoy are ones in which I do alone, as in adult projects, and they do NOT contain glitter.

I'm drowning in glitter at my house.

Friday, December 19, 2008 9:26:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

The last time I used glitter I found it everywhere I looked for months.

I generally keep my crafting to foam sticker shapes. Peel and stick is about as creative as I get with the kiddos. Unless its the pre-fabbed, pre-cut, pre-measured, pre-chewed Martha Stewart-ish kits you can get from the local craft stores

Friday, December 19, 2008 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I think I've said this to you before, but THANK YOU for that first paragraph. I feel like such a horrible mom because I also want to run and hide when those questions are asked.

My parents didn't do this stuff with me! They didn't even help with my homework.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Those are so cute, though! All the craftiness we are capable of is crayon breaking and playroom destruction.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

Hola my dear!

Sorry about all your back pains. And crafts. And games.

I suggest you get the game I just got my kids, called Whoops! It's basically 12 plastic cups you throw around the floor and they have to balance on them. I find I don't need to do much with this game AND I LIKE IT!!

Feel better gal,

Mucho kisses,
A

Saturday, December 20, 2008 5:58:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Styrofoam balls and the Evil Dead?

I knew there was a reason you were made for children's TV!

Saturday, December 20, 2008 9:51:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

So, ummm is that.... errrr ... a Santa a day keeps the doctor away?

Saturday, December 20, 2008 9:52:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Crafts and I do not get along. Crafts put me in a headlock and I run around screaming "mommy!".

Your crafts look delicious though.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 10:48:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

Martha Stewart ain't got jack on you.

Sunday, December 21, 2008 6:51:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I am also allergic to kid crafts. And a little scared of paper mache. How I survived cub scouts is beyond me. Most of it is really a blur (thank you to my assistant Mr. Martini).

Sunday, December 21, 2008 8:00:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Is there nothing you can't do? Have a wonderful Christmas, cutie. :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

"Shop smart Shop S-mart" Sorry you sent me on a tangent when you mentioned Army of Darkness. The BEST semi-horror flick of all time.

Sunday, December 21, 2008 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Much with the merry and the Christmas!

Monday, December 22, 2008 4:34:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

i loathe when my kids want to get crafty. i almost always suggest cookies...because, hello, at least there's food at the end. heh.

Monday, December 22, 2008 8:24:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

I'll take crafts over "mommmy will you play star wars with me or pirates?" over and over and over again.......I'll. take. crafts. anyday!

Monday, December 22, 2008 8:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

You're like Martha Stewart with better hair and bigger boobs.

Monday, December 22, 2008 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Quoting Bruce Campbell just makes everything better, doesn't it? Ooh! You could make Bruce Campbell figures for your next craft. One with a chainsaw arm, another as aging Elvis... etc.

You know what is one of the easiest crafts EVER to make with your kids? Soap. You nuke the stuff, let the kids add in color and scent, stir, and pour it into molds. They can get creative with color swirling and what not. And since you can really only pour one mold or two at a time, it keeps them occupied a good while without much effort. And afterwards you have SOAP!

Monday, December 22, 2008 1:04:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

I can't beleive I haven't already had something to say about this...

And, now that I'm back, I can't think of anything worthwhile to add to the conversation.

I've given you an award - Hop on over to my blog to get it!!



My word Ver? hajew
(Gesundheit)

Monday, December 22, 2008 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

And here I thought this was a post full of innuendo and connotation of the non crafty type only to find that while thrifty, you kind of did make something crafty. Using the word "kinda" loosly!

I never would have thought of an apple Santa and I am a bit creative, so you have already one-upped, outdone, and over achieved for the week.

Monday, December 22, 2008 3:39:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

Those are adorable, but I don't think I'd have the patience w/ Sweets :) Maybe in a few yrs :)

Monday, December 22, 2008 6:36:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Younger is 14 friggin years old and still asks me to play games. Good GOD when will it end? Is there no mercy?

At least today I convinced her that Guitar Hero counted. Usually it's some damn board game that takes eleventy-seven hours.

Monday, December 22, 2008 7:40:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

It really isn't craft time with the kidlets until someone starts quoting Army of Darkness. And FADKOG, I thought I was the only one who played dead when my kid asks to play or do crafts.

BTW - it really isn't winter without scurvy, is it?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 6:48:00 PM  

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