stop me if you've heard this one*
*except you might want to rethink putting the kibosh on this post just yet because your other option was reading a tale that involves farts and/or the act of farting, which, I should warn you, is coming**
Last night, my Tool Man and I were enjoying a little quiet time doing what we do best, which is watching television. I was pretty excited to see that HBO (which we're getting free for three months since we switched to satellite, so yeah! Except they're apparently running all the same movies they used to when I was 16 and my parents had pay cable, so I'm looking forward to watching Footloose in a couple weeks then going to the mall with my BFF) was running the first season of True Blood last night, and a lot of you have told me there are some kick ass vampires on that show, so I was was all, "Hey! Record that!" except Tool Man ignored me and started watching a TV program that is being cancelled and he made me miss the first episode of True Blood, which I now may or may not have to watch nefariously.
(hold on...let me reread that first paragraph to see if I'm as confused as this sounds in my head. OK, no. I'm good)
Anyway, after Tool Man got done watching his doomed television program, he was flipping channels and, glory be to the Lord Almighty, he came across Legend (already in progress), and this time, when I yelled stop, Tool Man dropped the remote so we could watch Tom Cruise and his elven friends battle Darkness' evil plan to snuff out daylight by killing unicorns. It doesn't make sense, but honestly, I haven't really ever watched this movie once (of many, many times) in the last 23 years since it was released and completely followed it. I just like unicorns, sprites and princesses, of which this film has plenty.
I won't spoil the ending (let's just say it's hokey), but the final scene involves two glorious unicorns frolicking in the sun as flower petals and wispy leaves swirl around them (whoops...) and Tom Cruise and Princess Sloane from Ferris Bueller's Day Off are kissing and waving at their sprightly allies, and the whole time I'm waiting for that great Bryan Ferry song to kick in. Oh, you know what. Here, I'll just show you:
(Spoiler alert!) As the sun glimmered upon the horns of the majestic unicorns, I leaned over to my Tool Man, slapped him on the thigh, and said, "Look! It's a metaphor for Tom Cruise's and Princess Sloane's love! I learned that in film study in college, even though I fell asleep during Citizen Kane and had to watch it again to understand. It proves they were meant to be!"
Tool Man leaned over, slugged me on the arm, and said, "No. It just means unicorns are always horny."
And I sat there for about two seconds before I "got it," and then I laughed (just a little bit)(and I may have Twittered it, but remember what I asked you guys. This is fresh material!), and then I got a bit worried.
"Hold up. When you say unicorns are always horny, is that a metaphor for us having sex now?" I said, but Tool Man has a cold and the meds he's taking make him feel a little bit like the Devil (check out those abs!) and sound like Honeythorn Gump from Legend (um, listen to the above clip), so he assured me that no, he was not looking for sex, so I was kind of relieved. Then he went to bed and I scanned the movie listings for different metaphors and the first episode of True Blood.
**because I keep telling you that I'm really a 14-year-old boy, and really, if a post about farts doesn't prove it, I'm not sure what else I have to do.***
***except maybe talk about boobs more often, which, I'm sorry, I've been lax about, and I'll see what I can do about rectifying that.