...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

stop me if you've heard this one*

*except you might want to rethink putting the kibosh on this post just yet because your other option was reading a tale that involves farts and/or the act of farting, which, I should warn you, is coming**

Last night, my Tool Man and I were enjoying a little quiet time doing what we do best, which is watching television. I was pretty excited to see that HBO (which we're getting free for three months since we switched to satellite, so yeah! Except they're apparently running all the same movies they used to when I was 16 and my parents had pay cable, so I'm looking forward to watching Footloose in a couple weeks then going to the mall with my BFF) was running the first season of True Blood last night, and a lot of you have told me there are some kick ass vampires on that show, so I was was all, "Hey! Record that!" except Tool Man ignored me and started watching a TV program that is being cancelled and he made me miss the first episode of True Blood, which I now may or may not have to watch nefariously.

(hold on...let me reread that first paragraph to see if I'm as confused as this sounds in my head. OK, no. I'm good)

Anyway, after Tool Man got done watching his doomed television program, he was flipping channels and, glory be to the Lord Almighty, he came across Legend (already in progress), and this time, when I yelled stop, Tool Man dropped the remote so we could watch Tom Cruise and his elven friends battle Darkness' evil plan to snuff out daylight by killing unicorns. It doesn't make sense, but honestly, I haven't really ever watched this movie once (of many, many times) in the last 23 years since it was released and completely followed it. I just like unicorns, sprites and princesses, of which this film has plenty.

I won't spoil the ending (let's just say it's hokey), but the final scene involves two glorious unicorns frolicking in the sun as flower petals and wispy leaves swirl around them (whoops...) and Tom Cruise and Princess Sloane from Ferris Bueller's Day Off are kissing and waving at their sprightly allies, and the whole time I'm waiting for that great Bryan Ferry song to kick in. Oh, you know what. Here, I'll just show you:





(Spoiler alert!) As the sun glimmered upon the horns of the majestic unicorns, I leaned over to my Tool Man, slapped him on the thigh, and said, "Look! It's a metaphor for Tom Cruise's and Princess Sloane's love! I learned that in film study in college, even though I fell asleep during Citizen Kane and had to watch it again to understand. It proves they were meant to be!"

Tool Man leaned over, slugged me on the arm, and said, "No. It just means unicorns are always horny."

And I sat there for about two seconds before I "got it," and then I laughed (just a little bit)(and I may have Twittered it, but remember what I asked you guys. This is fresh material!), and then I got a bit worried.

"Hold up. When you say unicorns are always horny, is that a metaphor for us having sex now?" I said, but Tool Man has a cold and the meds he's taking make him feel a little bit like the Devil (check out those abs!) and sound like Honeythorn Gump from Legend (um, listen to the above clip), so he assured me that no, he was not looking for sex, so I was kind of relieved. Then he went to bed and I scanned the movie listings for different metaphors and the first episode of True Blood.

The End.

**because I keep telling you that I'm really a 14-year-old boy, and really, if a post about farts doesn't prove it, I'm not sure what else I have to do.***

***except maybe talk about boobs more often, which, I'm sorry, I've been lax about, and I'll see what I can do about rectifying that.

Labels: ,

59 Comments:

Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Just remember that *I am the Unicorn*. . .

And yes, we are always horny; thanks for asking. . .

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger Seriously Mama said...

Sounds like a typical night in our house too. Except that I made Seriously Daddy go to Wal Mart and buy me "New Moon" just because he was watching some stupid show and the only stupid shows I like to watch involve Mike Rowe.

By the way, The Twilight series... It's still in the "meh" for me but it's my ADD that makes me continue. Oh and my CAPTCHA word is SISTA. Since when did CAPTCHA start using slang?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:02:00 AM  
Blogger KimandCo said...

I don't know much about unicorns, but I can talk a lot about boobs, and about how mine now officially point down when I dont wear a bra, and panties. Oh, and I have three boys, so I'm good with farts, too.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger DCD said...

The best thing about Legend were those bad ass horns on the evil dude. So cool.

And horny.

(see how I worked that in there?)

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:09:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Having just watched the first half of that Legend clip, I now feel vindicated in having - to this point in my life - successfully avoided ever seeing the rest of the movie. Thanks!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

First, the thing my man finds most attractive in a woman is her willingness to fart openly and proudly. I think we'll keep you two separated so an affair isn't sparked up.

Second, watch Entourage. YOu seem to find humor in things I do so I think you will fucking love this.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

"Legend" can never be as good as "The Dark Crystal" in my eyes. Just sayin - except it doesn't have any Unicorns.

Bring on the fart post - I am bombarded with them constantly at home, so reading about them here might be a breath of fresh air.

Hah!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:32:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

When I was.a kid my stepmom gave me a book with "photographs" of unicorns and this was in the days before Photoshop was a household word so I became absolutely convinced that I had physical proof that unicorns existed, and I took the book to school for show and tell and laid out my case, complete with talking points. I guess my hope was to generate a dialogue about the mythical creature's existence but the only real result was that everyone in class laughed at me, including the teacher, and I was devastated and psychologically scarred for life.

Actually, now that I think about it, that incident really explains a lot.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

TOP 10!!

I loved Legend! I was always referring to it in college as 'that great movie with Tom Cruise', and people were like, 'Huh? Whaaa...?'

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

HOW ON EARTH HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE??!?!?

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:19:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Um. Wow.

Never seen that movie. I think I'm pretty happy about that.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

you mean there a Tom movie I haven't seen? What the hell? I've never even heard of it!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I have never seen Legend. Now I have to watch it. Crap.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:46:00 AM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

1) SO glad I'm not the only one who hasn't yet seen "True Blood." I swear, it's on my list of things to do, but I just can't get to it yet.
B) We have a family legend that revolves around the fact that my oldest sister once confused "acorn" with "unicorn" and so of course believed they existed, since the California Indians hunted them (so said her American History teacher) and really, I guess it's only funny if I tell the whole thing but that would hijack your comments something fierce. So never mind.
IV) I'm with Shonda about "Entourage." It's disturbingly un-PC and misogynistic and I cannot stop watching. Srsly. The Boys are too funny.
Five) What the hell is "pherpork" slang for? Teh seks? Sheesh, girl.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Before I even scrolled down to see the video clip I had that cheesy song in my head. How I love 80's movies with sprites and elves and other mythical creatures. I always stop and watch them when they're on, even if it's just for a bit.

And I love the childish unicorn joke. Go Tool Man!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Farting is deeply, deeply cool.

Tom Cruise is a metaphor for sunglasses.

Tool Man's cold is a metaphor for the economy (probably).

Citizen Kane is way overrated and nowhere near as good as Evil Dead 2. For one thing, Citizen Kane has (surprisingly) few chainsaws. Some classic!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:21:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I love it when a college education pays off.

Or, when riding a school bus pays off too, for ToolMan (because isn't that where we all learned the facts of life?)

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Now I'm thinking about that scene in Anchorman where they are riding unicorns, and they see a rainbow, and she says, you know, "Look! The most glorious rainbow ever. Do me on it."

I'd also like to point out that analyzing film in college was exactly why I chose the major that I did. Where else could you just speak utter crap you make up in your head, and it sound like a thoughtful critique?

Oh yeah, literary criticism. And poetry. Nevermind.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I've been tempted to get HBO just to watch that series. I am thinking about getting the books it was based on.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

There are two versions of that film... I have both on DVD. ;-)

My favorite song is from the US version of the film (which is what your clip is from)... "Is Your Love Strong Enough" which plays with the credits. I just queued it up in iTunes!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 1:04:00 PM  
Anonymous gururkarm (@karma_musings) said...

Wait! you veered off from talking about watching True Blood - did you ever get back to it? are you following @SookieBonTemps? gotta do! so you can get the backstory ;-)

oh, and my CAPTCHA word is "averompl" - is that another "horny" type word stuck in there???

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 1:30:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh. My. God. Gay-est movie ever.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 1:32:00 PM  
Blogger BedsideTalesMan said...

I need more about boobs and farts! Less on the unicorns.

...and what did you mean that you were relieved that Tool Man did not want sex? That is just wrong!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Men and unicorns, they are always horny! I want to watch that show too but I don't have HBO because of all the sex. On the channel...

I laughed at Chris Wood's comment!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

You can never have too much boob talk.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 3:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

I am horny like a unicorn.

Snicker.

Good god, Boo better get his ass home soon.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Sadly in our house farts are common discussion. Usually one of "them" sharing one, followed by my holla that the pigsty is out back!

I must agree with Carolyn... not my fav - too much frolicky splashy silly gay stuff...

That and I don't much like TC... Sorry.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 3:45:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I've never seen the movie but I think the entire thing may be a metaphor for Tom Cruise being gay...but I'm not sure...and not that there is anything wrong with that if he is.

Also, I love that you are a 14 year old boy. Wait, that sounded wrong...

I should go away now....

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 4:36:00 PM  
Blogger Middle Aged Woman said...

Tim Curry makes a kick-ass devil.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 4:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Farting is always the hot topic of conversation around here... I guess it's to be expected having boys. One of these days I'm going to let them write a post and they've already been telling me their ideas. They have it narrowed down to farting or poop.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 5:21:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Yay! Reason number 425 to love you: This post gives me an opportunity to use the one smart-sounding phrase I took away from college film class in a complete sentence.

(Clears throat)

I was unable to appreciate the mise-en-scène of "Legend" when I saw it at the mall cinema because I could only focus on the unicorn's wobbly, poorly affixed horn and kept expecting it to fall right off.

PS: Catch up on the HBO "late night" original series (plural)... Plenty of blogging material for you, Sassy. :)

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 5:46:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

These days I kind of think of Tom Cruise as being synonymous with unicorns, but maybe that's just me.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 7:50:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

DUDE!!!! I so lust you now....
Legend is one of my faves!!!!!
Exclamation points and everything!!!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:04:00 PM  
Anonymous DC Urban Dad said...

Farting is good for the soul.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

um ok... bathrooms are for farting in among other things. Boob however are good for everything ... including serving drinks while watching strange movies!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:29:00 PM  
Blogger Emsxiety said...

So have you gotten to watch True Blood? I really do like the show.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 9:36:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Rhinos and elk and triceratops are also always horny.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Dora said...

a. I totally loved 'Legend' as a child.

and B. put trueblood on seasonpass..it'll record the whole season without asking you...just..ooop! look..new episode to watch!


and .....now you're gonna love me.....

http://www.sidereel.com/true_blood

how cool am I?!

(btw...my captcha is logis.....wtf?!)

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 10:51:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

Oooo, that's like unicorn porn. Nothing sexier. Now I get the one-horned thing.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

I always kind of wanted to be Tom Cruise in Legend.

But without the hair.

Thursday, December 04, 2008 1:04:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'd love to take a crack at Tom Cruise here, but he's married to Katie from my hometown. Yes, Katie Holmes and Joe the Plumber has put us on the map.

Thursday, December 04, 2008 7:20:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

OMG, I LOOOOVVVEEE Legend. The way that devil dude laughs is totally creepy (and kind of a turn on, if you want to know the truth).

And if only Tom Cruise could go back to those days, when he was normal.

Thursday, December 04, 2008 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I've never seen Legend. Where the hell have I been?

Thursday, December 04, 2008 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

True Blood is awesome and so much steamier than two fucking* unicorns.

*(the adjective, not the verb)

Thursday, December 04, 2008 2:36:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Do you know I had totally forgotten that Tom Cruise was in that movie until I read this post. That has nothing to do with anything but had to get that off my chest.

Also, my virginal sense of unicorns has been shattered by this post thankyouverymuch *bursting into tears*. Wanna go to the mall now?

Thursday, December 04, 2008 4:50:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

wait, Tom Cruise is gay?

Thursday, December 04, 2008 5:20:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

My husband loves Legend. No joke. A while back he was telling me he wanted to see it again. Then half-way through he was all, Wait? Tom Cruise isn't a Centaur?" He had remembered it wrong. I'm disturbed that he thought fondly of a movie where he thought Tom Cruise was a Centaur. Also, I can't watch any more Tom Cruise movies. After he dumped Nicole I made a pact with myself. Then I accidentally watched Vanilla Sky. Then I spent weeks punishing myself. Then he had a melt down on Oprah's couch so I guess we're even.

Thursday, December 04, 2008 8:10:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

Also, remember that horrible slow motion volley ball scene set to Kenny Loggins "Playin' With The Boys" in Legend? Remember when Val Kilmer went topless and they all got sweaty? That WAS Legend wasn't it?

Thursday, December 04, 2008 8:12:00 PM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Oh my god, I saw Legend come on the other night and I swear I screamed, "Babe!!! Legend!!!!" across the house to my husband.

Princess Sloane, that cracked me up.

Me, I've been enjoying a month full of Weird Science on Encore. It's been great.

Friday, December 05, 2008 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Also, do you think it's weird that we have some sort of psychic blog connection? You post about a Tom Cruise Movie, I post about a Tom Cruise movie...And I know it's not the first time this has happened. It could be the fact that I'm stalking you, but I'm going with the twins separated at birth theory.

Friday, December 05, 2008 12:54:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Off topic and yet completely hilarious: my toddler is trying to learn to fart on command. Which is NOT my genetics talking. STOP IT, IT'S NOT.

Friday, December 05, 2008 6:15:00 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

I need to download this movie...

Friday, December 05, 2008 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger TattooedMinivanMom said...

I member that movie! Is that sad?

And tool man was totally doing the "I'm just acting like I don't want sex so you'll jump my bones cause you always want what you can't have"

Did he go and start rubbing vicks all over his chest like Monica did in that friends episode? Dead giveaway.

Oh, oh, and, and my husband had to take a film class a couple years ago to complete his Bachelors and now we totally always way over analyze movies in a smartass way.

Saturday, December 06, 2008 8:25:00 AM  
Blogger Julia said...

Just stumbled upon your blog and really like it.

Saturday, December 06, 2008 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i use to love that movie! i forgot tom cruise was in it...

crap now i'm gonna have to go rent it and watch it. just as soon as this class is over and i can breathe again.

Saturday, December 06, 2008 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

I watched the fist episode of True blood and can't past how lame it seemed to be. Everyone says, wait it gets soooo much better, but still, it was LAME.
We're talking, LAME. Seriously.
You know, lame like this comment.
See? Ya, I know.

Saturday, December 06, 2008 7:48:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

I'm on cold meds too. And I'm thinking you wrote this post in order to confuse me.

Is that accurate?

Oh wait. This isn't about me, is it?

Sunday, December 07, 2008 1:10:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

I am often amazed by the movies some of our "Stars" were in before they were stars...val kilmer, tom cruise and tom hanks certainly did not "burst" onto the scene.

Sunday, December 07, 2008 9:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow that picture of the Devil sure is sexy!

Saturday, February 07, 2009 8:29:00 PM  

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