...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

...and now, back to our story


This post comes to you from under my last glimmer of hope (because I didn't wake up to the news that scientists had perfected surgical back replacement techniques, despite my hours of prayer) and the rubble of sweet exhaustion (what with the lengthy praying and all). I was finally able to get in to see a doctor this morning about my back, and the pills up there - a cocktail of Darvocet (for the pain, gah! the pain!), Relafen (for swelling...with a potential side effect of bleeding and stroke, yippee!), and Robaxin (for relaxing muscles tighter than my Mom's pursed lips when she's trying not to make disapproving remarks about me) - are now coursing through my system, and already I feel woozy and would cluck like a chicken if you told me to.
(p.s. - While my meds are perhaps not as intense as some have enjoyed recently, I'm happy to note that acquiring them didn't involve the cutting into of any body parts, even though I am not completely convinced there's not a giant, teeth-gnashing tumor festering in my lumbar region, ready to burst out like William Wallace, screaming for freedom. I'm also pleased that acquiring them didn't involve complicated shaving rituals because honestly, in my present state, I can't even begin to bend in ways necessary for such tactics.)
Anyway, I saw the doctor today, and I felt a little weenie upon entering the building because, boo hoo, my back hurts, but apparently the world is filled with really sick, really contagious people, so now, of course, I should prepare to actually get sick because wow, the waiting room was littered with all manner of those people, coughing and snuffling and filling the air with their evil. I very nearly took one of the surgical masks the staff provides patients, the ones they keep in a cookie jar at reception marked with the label "If you have a cough, kindly wear a mask for the benefit of our other patients" and yet NO ONE EVER DOES! Why? Because you're afraid of scaring off people? Have we learned nothing from I Am Legend (other than yawn...) or 28 Days Later? I for one do not look forward to a future where bad CGI mutants roam the cities, and if you'd just dip into the cookie jar, you'd do us all a favor.
Thankfully, I was called back to an exam room quickly, and didn't even have to wait more than 20 minutes for the doctor to come see me (have I ever told you about the time I waited, naked and covered only by a paper sheet, for nearly two hours to see my doctor once?!). The examination itself was pretty cut and dry. Are you constipated? No. (I can tell you people about my vibrator purchasing habits - too many times to link them all here - but just typing that last sentence made me want to apologize to all of you). Are you bleeding when you pee? No. (again, I feel like saying I'm sorry). Are you having your period right now? For a change, no. (sigh...). Then he had me stand up, turn around, and position myself in front of him. Let's just say that I've only stood in front of three men and bent over, and the last one I married, but today I added a fourth to the list.
Grabbing hold of the exam table in front of me for leverage (again, something I've only done with three other men...), I kept waiting for the Braveheart tumor to burst through my skin and eat the good doctor alive as all his poking and prodding (three men...) tempted fate. Instead I listened to him hem and haw and ask if it hurt here? How about there? Way up here? What about now? My tears, gently dropping and flowering out upon the tissue paper-covered exam table, served as my answer.
"Could be kidney stones," he said. "You're going to need to pee for me."
Awesome.
Thank goodness for the three gallons of water I'd consumed between 10 p.m. and 10 a.m. That helped. You know what didn't help? The lab tech opening up the pee cubby while I was attempting to provide my sample! She totally scared the crap out of me (not really)(I mean not figuratively. She did scare me, though) and suddenly I felt like I was under a lot of pressure to deliver, and that pressure caused me to spill the bulk of my sample (thankfully in the toilet bowl)(again, I'm feeling the need for apologies...). No worries though. I was on F thanks to all the water I'd poured down my gullet.
The diagnosis? No kidney stones. Also? A commendation on being an excellent pee'er (peeer?). That alone was worth the doctor's visit. Oh, who am I kidding? No it wasn't. The drugs were worth the doctor's visit, and yeah! He delivered.
So anyway...I'm sorry if this post makes no sense. I'm sorry for all the parenthetical remarks. I'm not sorry for all the times I've written about vibrators. I took my first round of pills an hour ago and the sweet light of relief is shining on my horizon as I type, so I'm going to go attempt to lay down and relax for the first time in five days. Do with me what you will at this point. I'll be back - hopefully with a healthier back of my own - later.

Labels:

48 Comments:

Blogger Shonda Little said...

I always tell people the best thing about c-sections is the hopped up dope they send you home with. I never know if I am high from the new baby or sweet score, but it is definitely a good feeling. Just kidding, it's totally the kid.
Hope your back gets to feeling better.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Drugs...thy name is relief.

Enjoy!

Hallie

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

My back hurts too but I am a drugaphobe. I don't like strokes.

I hope that you feel better soon!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:38:00 PM  
Blogger BedsideTalesMan said...

Hope your back feels better. I have a chronic back issue and nothing ever seems to help...just time.

Though I do like that lofty feeling when the drugs kick in. But they usually have a 'mal' effect on me...sexually...which sucks!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Sweet FADKOG -- may you live to write about vibrators again.

If you don't, can I have your unused meds? You know, for a friend.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:44:00 PM  
Blogger Marla said...

totally F*ck@n hysterical, Cheers to you and your cocktail.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:46:00 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Just discovered your blog today. Sorry about the back...but love your writing!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

Yay for drugs. (Although, I'm usually too chicken to take them for any length of time)

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger kaila said...

Enjoy your rest and then tell us more about vibrators.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:04:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Congratulations on yer mad peeing skillz!

And listen, I'm a major user of the parenthetical remark, meself; I just like to come around here to see the Master (I feel like I should call you the Mistress, but no, that doesn't seem right, either. . .) work her craft. . .

And heck, you're a lot more, um, discreet than a lot of the women who blog about their vibrators. So no worries. Just sayin'. . .

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:10:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Mama said...

I'm a few days late to tell you I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that could have totally hooked you up with some happy pills.

It's probably a good thing you went down the legal road though, people might not take too kindly to vibrator talk in jail, ya know?

Feel better soon!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:21:00 PM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

TOP 20!!!!

So, I took Darvocet when my boys were made girls (boys being wedding-tackle), and, uh, it didn't do much. Is it helping you? I kind of lump Davocet in the placebo group now. I hope it's helping you, though, maybe I'm just immune...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:36:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Maybe I need to come see your doctor! After weeks of Vicadin and Torodol I sort-a gave up on getting relief for my ruptured disc.

Oh, until I fell at the post office and broke my rib.

Made me forget about the other pain!

So what did he determine it was? Is it a disc? A tumor? A new disease that will much like 30 Days of Night, ravage an entire small town in less than a month?

I am glad you are getting relief! :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 2:42:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I've had kidney stones... if you had them, there would be little chance you'd be confused about the issue. The give you really nice drugs though.

I very nearly had a religious experience once while plugged into an IV of what the nurse referred to as the "kidney stone cocktail."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 3:29:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Geez, I think Darvocet is stronger than anything I had. I'm tough, I just took a shot of whiskey and bit down on a 2-by-4.

Don't OD, homey.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 3:31:00 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Back troubles suck. Sorry to hear about it and I hope you're feeling better soon.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 5:54:00 PM  
Blogger Ms Picket To You said...

after the first baby, i discovered why celebrity types get all pill poppin' and such. add one or two Miller Lites (not officially endorsed, just saying) and dear love of unicorns and rainbows and i love everybody: yes, sweet relief.

feel so much better fadkog!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 6:02:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Just send me the good drugs and no one gets hurt.

No, seriously. I'll come sit on you if you don't.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 6:21:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Sounds like the doc might have issued a happy pill or two. I'm totally jealous.

I hope it helps your back- back pain totally sucks.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 6:26:00 PM  
Blogger Remo said...

"...I felt a little weenie upon entering the building..."

Forget the fact I was entranced by the vibrator talk. That is some serious blog-Fu.

You had me at weenie.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 7:00:00 PM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Man. I'm sorry, but YEA for drugs!! Can I have some? I bruised a couple ribs putting together a basketball hoop that Bardolf got for his birthday. thx.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 7:15:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Oh thank heaven! I'm so glad you have some relief. I need some of what you got, though. I think I slipped a hemorrhage (hey! just learned how to spell hemmorhage) yesterday trying to hold my perpetually and forcefully screaming daughter while waiting for what seemed like forever for flu shots. I'm too old for this shit!

But enough about me. Is it wrong to say I enjoyed your post? What with you in pain and all. Sorry for what you've been through, but as usual, the recount is amazing.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 7:57:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I wouldn't worry about blogging about your vibrator purchasing habits- after all, you'll forget all about this post anyway after the drugs really take effect!

Seriously, I hope they help a lot, quickly, back pain is the worst.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I hope your feeling better soon, it sounds all kinds of painful.
If it makes you feel any better, when I was in the emergency room after I was in a car accident I totally mooned the entire ER.
Talk about embarrassing.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:45:00 PM  
Blogger Velma said...

Having had that kind of pain in the past, I feel free to say that sometimes? The pain relief is better than an orgasm.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:57:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Having had 3 c-sections and a kidney stone, I can say that I know the sweet relief pain medication can bring. Let someone else dispense the meds though. If you're like me I couldn't remember when I'd last had medication!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

See, if you would have come over to the doc office where I work, you would have had to wait about an hour AFTER going into the exam room.

I feel so bad for the patients who wait for him.

I a chicken shit when it comes to taking pills because I erm can't swallow.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:36:00 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Isn't it a better life through chemistry? Take those pills darlin' lie back and slip into LaLa land.

Hope you fell better soon. About all the vibrators references; it's all good. You're my hero!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 10:08:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

You need to learn to stop holding back so much when you write.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 10:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

Send me the pink ones. They match my nailpolish.

That is good enough reason isn't it?

Smootches Oh Champion Pee-er!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 4:28:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I am so glad I am not the only one who has been complemented on their pee-ing prowess! Hope you feel better soon hun!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 5:11:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Lust, and stuff.
Kisses to make you back all better.
I think the term you were looking for is pee-er. The hyphen/dash makes all the difference. You are totally forgiven because you were/are hopped up on good drugs.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 5:28:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Have I missed something? What is causing the back pain?

Glad the drugs doing their thing.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 5:47:00 AM  
Blogger DCD said...

I hate the urine sample. I never manage to not pee on my hand.

Hope the drugs are working their druggy magic!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 7:08:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Wow - you got quite a pile o' meds there! I hope they help and you return to the land of the living and flexible very soon. (Though do we 41-yr-olds ever return to full flexibility? Ah, to be 21 again!)

I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but my friend's cousin went to the doctor with back pain. Turned out she had a tumor at the base of her spine and within 6 weeks she was dead. Seriously. So going to the doctor was a good idea even without the sweet, sweet drugs.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Meredith said...

I used to work in hospice and the one thing I know for sure is that Darvocet SUCKS! There are wwwaaaayyyy better pain relievers. The doctors I worked with used to laugh at the few MDs that still prescribed it - it's JUNK go get yourself some percocet or vicodin if you really want to help your pain.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

better.living.through.chemistry.
:)

and what's wrong with you writing about vibrators?

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

GAH! Bunny!! Before I was all "tumor ha ha!" and now I'm sort of "tumor oh, God!"

I'm two weeks in on the back pain...fingers crossed...

:)

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Quality meds - great. Hope it was worth the pee trauma.

Really sorry you've been suffering! Ah the doctors, though - they do know how to completely relax people. Mmm.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

so if no kidney stones- what then,just a pulled muscle? wait let me go back and read, maybe I missed the diagnosis!
poor baby!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Enjoy the blissful relief of drugs. I have never laughed so hard when reading about a doctor's visit. I hope he went easy on ya.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 12:26:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I hope things get better soon...

Thursday, December 18, 2008 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger Old Knudsen said...

Bending over, pain, tears,drugs and pee. Sounds like a good date to me.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

Back pain? Sorry to hear about this. You know, I don't think zombies have any back pain. Neither do vampires, for that matter. If you get a chance to choose, I'd go with the vampire. They're prettier and some of them have super powers. On another note, would you be so kind as to send me your email address? I'm planning on spamming you later in a bulk email about Blog The Rockies. Don't you dare say you're too shy in real life to attend. Even if you are, you can still sit in the corner and not talk to anyone. I wouldn't recognize your face, but I would recognize your cleavage. Wear something low-cut. (Sorry that I mentioned your cleavage in the first comment I've left for you in ages. I've been on a internet fast until today and I'm sort of out of control and rusty.) Email me at jenboglass@yahoo.com. Feel free to make a comment about my cleavage too if you'd like.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 2:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Ugh, I feel for you! I have a nasty torn lumbar disc that has caused a 2+ year runaround of doctor appointments, surgery, physical therapy, and lots and lots of pills. The drugs are not nearly as fun when you need them that badly!
Let me know if you ever want to compare relief techniques (I'm currently loving ice, heat, massage, and a pain blend of essential oils on top of my narcs.) GOOD TIMES :(
I hope you feel better soon!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 2:51:00 PM  
Blogger Mariah said...

Heres to drug cocktales and your back improving. AND QUICK!

Thursday, December 18, 2008 5:06:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Percocet is my drug of choice. It gives me warm fuzzies.

It took me a few seconds to figure out what F was, and then I couldn't stop giggling. Being commended for one's peeing talent does not happen often. Cherish the moment.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 7:50:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

So sorry about your back! I am another whose back goes into sudden and unprovoked spasming (sp?) so trust me... I feel your pain!

Hope you feel better hon.

Monday, December 22, 2008 1:18:00 PM  

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