...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

baby got back (and it hurts like a bitch. plus it's my actual back, not my ass. sorry for any confusion)

I spent the bulk of this past weekend laying flat on my back in bed with my legs thrust in the air because I:

  • tripped over a pile of dirty laundry at the foot of the bed and took a tumble onto the mattress
  • saw the face of Jesus in the popcorn ceiling and spent the next 48 hours repenting for my sins
  • thought it would be fun to recreate honeymoon sex
  • developed back spasms Friday night and fell instantly incapacitated

If you guessed the last one, you win! I'd like to say I was stricken with the spaz after a week that included:

  • ninja fighting
  • 'rasslin' gator
  • recreating honeymoon sex
  • busting intricate yoga moves

However, none of that would be true. Especially that one about recreating honeymoon sex, because I, for one, didn't spend that week completely flat on my back! Oh no, not this girl! When part of your honeymoon is spent in the Sherwood Forest Room of the now-defunct FantaSuite Hotel in Muscatine, Iowa (en route to the Wisconsin Dells, my friends, because my new husband was all about treating me like a princess!)(p.s. did you know there's not much to do in the Wisconsin Dells in the middle of October?), you damn well spend some time upright so you can take in the lush fake foliage around you. Multi-task, if you will.

(As someone who knows, I highly suggest you keep your eyes open to both stare lovingly into the eyes of your beloved, and prevent slamming your forehead into the 'tree limbs' your bed rests within as you go about your honeymoon business because it will be fun to see your loved one laugh at you when you realize that concrete tree limb is right there just as you are just about 'right there.')

(Additionally, I am making a plea to each and every one of you to consider spending the night with me in a FantaSuites hotel because OMG, I want to stay in this room! (GRR! The link is supposed to take you to the Happy Days Cafe room. Go. Do. It helps the pun I'm about to drop...) Actually, I'd willingly pay cash money to spend the night in any of them - seriously, go kill an hour taking the panoramic of any of those for they are The Awesome - but I truly want to stay in the one I showed you because I would annoy the hell out of you by constantly asking, "Are you trying to slip me your big bologna or is this a sandwich bed I'm laying on?")

(Oh, and for calling your bologna big? You're welcome)

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, yes. My bad back. You know when people say, "I've got your back!" and you totally think "Well, that's a nice sentiment, but when am I really going to need your back?" Well, the answer is when you have back spasms! I'd take somebody's back in a heartbeat! I have no idea what evil lurks within it, I just know it crashed into me Friday night when I got up from the kitchen table after supper, and encased me in a death grip. I have given birth to two children who's rip-roaring, no time for drugs deliveries into this world didn't cause nearly as much pain and physical discomfort as these back spasms have. Tool Man, being the honeymoon planning love of my life, walked past me at one point as I was holding onto the kitchen counter for dear life and crying, oh, the crying, and said, "I guess this means you're not going to the grocery store, huh?" and then I was miraculously cured thanks to the roundhouse kick to the nads I gave him.

Except I wasn't, and he wasn't a total heartless beast, either, because he doped me up on the ibuprofen and heated up a gel pack and placed me gingerly in bed, where he lifted up my legs to prop upon stacked pillows and helped me remove my clothing, and TOTALLY GOT IT when, through tears and white-knuckled death grips upon the headboard, I screeched, "Does this remind you of anything?" and he replied, "Yeah. Our honeymoon."

(only on our honeymoon, the roles were reversed...)

That right there is why I've been married to this man for 14 years, my friends. Not just because he took me to the House On The Rock (aka - "That place where I'd go crazy because seriously! The stuff! All the stuff! And the dusting! The dusting that would need to be constantly done!") three days after making me his wife.

Tool Man even tried to get me a prescription for something to knock me out, but he called my doctor's office 20 minutes before they were closing Friday night and, even with me wailing like a cat in heat in the background, they insisted there was no way they'd prescribe narcotics unless first seeing me in the office, and Tool Man was all, "Don't you hear that? You're going to make me put up with that ALL WEEKEND?!" God bless that man.

I've not been out of bed much in the past 72 hours. When I have ventured out, it's been physically taxing. Three basketball games Saturday and a potluck tonight has me defeated. It's taken me three hours to peck this post out because I'm presently propped in bed and trying to balance my laptop upon my legs which are, again, thrust up in the air. What's that? Will I marry you? Yes. A thousand times, yes!

In my convalescence, I have finished two books, started another (none of which were in the Twilight family, because, well, as you might recall from just a moment ago,the doctor refused to prescribe me any drugs), and made the decision that I'm going to start using the phrase "cheeky bastards" as often as possible in daily conversation. When not using that, I believe I'll try to toss in the phrase "Avenge me, boy! AAAAVENGGGE MEEEEEE!" whenever possible.

Example: "Avenge me, boys, you cheeky bastards!"

FYI? This is all brought to you by the power of 800 mg of ibuprofen. Can you imagine what it would be like if the crying had worked and I'd gotten a prescription for a muscle relaxer? I'll tell you what it would have been like. It would have been like honeymoon sex - awesome, slightly uncomfortable, exhausting, and perhaps requiring stitches.

Now, how about giving me some sugar, you cheeky bastards!

Labels: , ,

58 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

You know, I'm just a state away from that whole house in the rock or on the rock or whatever the H it is, and I've never been there. That's wrong, isn't it?

Hope your back gets better so you can properly kick people in the ass again.

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:03:00 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Google the "Madonna Inn" in San Luis Obispo.

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

ok, first off, have you noticed that in most of the pictures that have people in them, they are laying on the beds - him with the remote in his hand, her watching tv right along side him? Not much honeymoonin' going on in any of those rooms!

I feel your pain - as you well know - literally. Next time you need good drugs on a weekend call me. I have some good ones!

I wish I could have been horizontal all weekend - seriously, there has been talk of a cracked rib on top of my disc and fibro - so riding in a car all day for two days was not my top choice. But on Vicadin, I made it through.

Good luck getting relief tomorrow!!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger MadWoman said...

I don't think I could stay in that Happy Days room without wanting to eat my way through the entire weekend. And that would be almost as unattractive as sex with the lights on.

I hope Tool Man has also considered some serious pampering time and sleeping on the couch. Because the merest bump could send you into spasms again (I speak from experience). And you should also be supplied with a bell :) To summon him with ya know? Because it's his duty. Yup.

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:32:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Aw, I'm sorry about your back. I'd have sent you some muscle relaxants if it wasn't illegal to share prescription drugs. Okay, I would've anyways because I heart you.

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:57:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Lust and make it all better?

Monday, December 15, 2008 3:57:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Sooo sorry about your back, that's not a good reason to be on your back with your legs up.

Want my leftover pain-killers from the surgery? Just don't tell anyone, 'cuz as Therese notes, it's illegal to share. But, what the hell, then I can say "I got your back", right?

Monday, December 15, 2008 5:16:00 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I am SO sorry about your back! However , your multiple choices cracked me the hell up.

Monday, December 15, 2008 6:15:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I love the term cheeky bastards. Hope you feel better.

Monday, December 15, 2008 6:29:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I empathize with you on the back pain. I once made the mistake of lifting a 50 lb. bag of topsoil.

I say next Bloggerpalooza should be at the Happy Days Cafe room. We could all tear up that place.

Monday, December 15, 2008 6:44:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I second Backpacking Dad on the Madonna Inn in SLO. It's...

(shuddering at the memory)

I actually remember it being considerably tackier than the thumbnails make it appear.

Monday, December 15, 2008 7:51:00 AM  
Blogger Ms Picket To You said...

ok -- just typed something here and oops, it disappeared. maybe because i am dreaming of a trip anywhere and not paying much attention?...


anyhoo, hoping your advil is bottomless.

Monday, December 15, 2008 7:58:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Does the room come with the average looking couple? Or do you have to pay extra for them? :)

Feel better, my husband has bad back problems too...I always feel so bad for him. We have stockpiles of painkillers for when it happens, leftovers from surgeries and refills etc...you need to act pathetic enough that the doc will give you a refill so you have them for next time.

I really hope this doesn't make me look like a druggie...really...they are for my husband, not me. Okay, I'm going away now before I further incriminate myself. Feel better!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I hope your back rights its self soon. I'm a firm believer a. if you're going to throw your back out, it should be by doing something worth the pain, and b. if you have to spend so much time on it, it should at least be fun. Sounds like you got neither. That sucks.

Monday, December 15, 2008 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger KimandCo said...

Being that I have a lifetime prescription of muscle relaxers and I hord vicodin whenever I can, I have a fully stock medicine cabinet. I would have happily made a drug deal, I mean, delivery, for you!

Monday, December 15, 2008 9:52:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

i think your bad back and my flu should get together and go bowling.
:)

Monday, December 15, 2008 9:58:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oof! Back spasms are the worst! You have my sincerest sympathy, my dear. . .

When I was laid up (as opposed to simply 'laid') with a bad back some years ago, my doc gave me a set of stretches to do that worked some pretty amazing wonders for me, considering how 'low-tech' they are. . . Just hug your knees to your chest and rock back and forth. Then hug one knee, while stretching the other leg out away from you; alternate legs. Do as many reps of this as often as you can stand it. Helped me a LOT. . .

And listen, Molly didn't spend her whole honeymoon flat on her back, either; 'cuz we got advice that, at least the first few times, it's more comfortable for the, uh, bride, to be on top. Some of the best advice we ever got. . .

Monday, December 15, 2008 9:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Totally grinning at the memory of muscle relaxant sex.

Heh.

Not that I have tooo much experience in that department.

But enough to make me grin.

Monday, December 15, 2008 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Gah. I'm so sorry. Take more drugs.

Monday, December 15, 2008 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I feel your pain, cuz, well, I've felt your pain. Could barely make it to the bathroom. Couldn't stand sitting upright long enough to get to a doctor to get real pain meds. =(

Monday, December 15, 2008 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Oh you poor thing! Hopefully you can get drugs soon!

Monday, December 15, 2008 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

I've had the back thing and it's no fun at all. Get better soon. I'm off to avenge your back.

Monday, December 15, 2008 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I feel your pain, FADKOG - and I know from experience that being one your back for 72 hours for ANY reason (yes, even sex) just sucks.

hope you feel better!

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, it's no Poconos, but those Dells...wow do they dress to impress.

Too bad about the back. And too bad you can't blame it on your ninja-ness. Next time...

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:44:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I'm so sorry you're not well. Glad you still have your razor-sharp sense of humor! Hope they can hook you up today, though. Drugs are good.

Monday, December 15, 2008 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Here's to drugs and good sex in your near future.

Monday, December 15, 2008 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I put my back out once while backpacking in Vietnam. They didn't give me pain killers either.

Hope you feel better soon!

Monday, December 15, 2008 1:36:00 PM  
Blogger DCD said...

I consider you, yourself to be a cheeky bastard. And I mean that with the utmost love.

I hope your back gets better soon, or that you by now have some better drugs. So you can get back to having a lot of sex!

Monday, December 15, 2008 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Chibi said...

So sorry about your back! I don't know if I'm lucky or not, but when I put my back out, it's never "bad enough" for me to end up in bed. Well, at the very least I attempt to continue life hunched over like a 92-year old woman, bitching and belly-aching the whole time (all the while popping Robaxacet and sitting on a heating pad when I get a second). Bad backs suck snapping arseholes.

P.S. The "panoramic" (aka HOLY SHIT, THAT'S FAST!) view of those rooms gave me the spins.

Monday, December 15, 2008 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I prescribe three martinis (4 parts Bombay Sapphire/1 part Pratt Nolly) and those mail order electric thingies you wrote about several months ago.

Monday, December 15, 2008 3:59:00 PM  
Blogger musing said...

I'm having spasms from laughing. You can make anything funny!

P.S. if your back pain is caused by your sciatic nerve then use ice not heat. Trust me. It helps.

Monday, December 15, 2008 5:04:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You poor thing. I feel for you. I've spent many more days laying around and moaning uselessly than I'd care to admit to.

And House on the Rock is wicked weird. I'm dying to go back, but I'm afraid my head might explode.

Monday, December 15, 2008 5:56:00 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

UGH back pain is the worst!! I can commiserate; I started to have crippling backpain at the WORST times (like, when trying to put the kids to bed and whilst rocking them to sleep) during my pregnancy, and it keeps going. I'm afraid to go to the doctor for fear that it'll be something terrible, or nothing they can figure out. *sigh* I hope that you feel much better very soon!

Monday, December 15, 2008 8:47:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm so sorry your back is acting up, but God, I love coming here. You are a breath of fresh air, even lying on the bed with your legs in the air. God bless ibuprofen, and feel better soon.

Monday, December 15, 2008 9:17:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

:o(

The hubs and I went to the Milwaukee Zoo for our honeymoon. Maybe my next marriage I'll go to the dells?

Monday, December 15, 2008 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

All I can say is "I'm so sorry!"
Hope you're back on your feet soon.

Monday, December 15, 2008 11:22:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I hope your back feels better soon. Actually it is Tuesday now...I hope your doctor prescribed you some good stuff.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 3:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley said...

Sugar?

I am coating a muscle relaxant in it.

Cause I totally wanna see what a post on THAT would be like.

Oh, and I spent my wedding night with a toddler sleeping between us and riding the crimson wave...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 4:28:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Geez, all you had to do was ask, and I would have shared my Vicodin/Lortab with you. I've got plenty left over.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 8:43:00 AM  
Anonymous goodfather said...

So sorry about your back! Back spasms are horrible, I've had my share.

During my honeymoon sex, I was the one flat on my back. Go figure.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 9:28:00 AM  
Blogger Don Mills Diva said...

At least you clearly still have your sense of humour! Sending suagr and painkillers your way!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

The Oilybeauhunk gets those - so I only know how it feels to be Toolman. You poor thing.

These honeymoon places look like a blast! Never heard of either and now all I want to do is go!!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Stitches?!?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I love how the couple on the Arabian Nights room are watching tv... riiiiiight, like one vegges out when in a room wallpapered in blue satin and a round (and possibly rotating) bed.

As a fellow bad-back woman, I feel for you but I ain't giving you any sugar, I'll leave that to the tool man.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 2:52:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

I was all feeling sorry for you, until you made the Twilight joke-WHATEVER:)
What a bummer, girl- do you have meds yet?
I did respond to your question on my site-I like this site called wristies.com

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 2:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I'm so sorry, I hope you feel better soon! I've never had back spasms, but if they're worse than labor, then sheesh. Maybe the Tool Man can score you an epidural.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 3:54:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

I guess if you're "flat on your back" that means he's doing all the "work".

Heh.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 5:13:00 PM  
OpenID Sus said...

That's honeymoon sex? I just figured it was like that all the time.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 5:40:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Those rooms are freaking hilarious. And somewhat awesome. Wow. You have opened up a whole new world of vacation destinations! Be well, heal up, you crack me up. :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 7:55:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

My God, woman!! How freakin' horrible.
I hope you're feeling better.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 8:26:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

Feel better soon. And btw, I now have somewhere to take the Missus for our 10 year anniversary.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

Man, your husband is almost the romeo that Rowdy is....almost.
I totally think your doc should be handing out the good drugs to you, if for no other reason that to provide me with great entertainment via your blog.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 1:46:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

You spent part of your honeymoon in Muscatine? Did you see the display noting that Muscatine is the place of my birth? No? They don't have one? Say it ain't so!

I hope your back is feeling better. I'd email you some flexeril if only I could find where to insert it in the machine . . .

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 7:58:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

John LOVED your COULD BE THEIR BROTHER COMMENT!!

Btw, contest running at the WWoW!

Hallie :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8:41:00 AM  
Blogger Virginia said...

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Thursday, December 18, 2008 2:23:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

wow! you have a lot of comments! i have been stalking your blog for a bit now but it is for this post that i must say, you rock! love your writing, your cadence, your imagery and your links to the 360 honeymoon suites. you are gifted, girlfriend! and ihope your back feels better soon.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
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Monday, December 28, 2009 2:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Sunday, April 18, 2010 6:25:00 AM  

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