would you like a gift receipt?

I'd planned to write some moving Christmas post today, the likes of which would have provoked the Three Wise Men to screech to a halt and call for a do-over on their journey to see the Christ child, and one of them would have been all, "Oh, we are SO saving this post for last when we present the Christ child with our gifts!" and the other two would have nodded in rapt agreement. "Seriously!" another would say, looking down at their bearings of gold, frankincense and myrrh. "I can't believe we thought this would have been cool enough! I mean, what the hell?! I thought we were supposed to be wise men, not lame men!" and the third would have kicked the sand and been all, "This post absolutely makes up for the fact we didn't pick up that Wii when we were at the market place last week. I feel a lot better going into this now."

Yeah. It was going to be that kind of post. The kind that would have had you reaching through the Internets to high five me in a way I expect my oldest son will Thursday morning when he rips open the gift Santa brought him and finds that damn WWE Raw Arena (with two free wrestling figures!!) that he's only been begging for forever. The one I kept saying Santa wouldn't bring him because when Santa was here last Christmas, he tripped over all the wrestling stuff the boy already has and didn't think he needed yet another stage set, but then Santa realized that was pretty much the only thing the kid wanted, and then went about tearing the workshops apart trying to find one, getting a wee bit frantic, and had a fleeting moment where he checked with Mrs. Claus about perhaps getting the child his long dreamed of Wii to make up for it because yeah, it was that hard to find.

(I feel like I just drank a gallon of spiked eggnog writing that paragraph. I'm a bit confused...)

Anyway, my inspiring post is kind of like the Easy Bake Oven I asked for every Christmas when I was growing up: non-existent. If you like, you can blame my mother, who would annually dash my holiday hopes of culinary greatness with sentiments like, "Do you really think you need access to frosting all the time?" and "Girls with hips like yours shouldn't be eating cake anytime they feel like it. Merry Christmas! Here's a pair of brown corduroy pants!"

(give me a moment...)

The reality is I suspect many of you are already gone, traveling to spend time with your family or enjoying holiday traditions with your children. I'll be spending today with my boys, making holiday cookies (so take that, Mom!) and making reindeer food to sprinkle on the snow Wednesday night when we return home form church services, and later tonight, I'll be working my final pre-Christmas retail shift which, if it's anything like last night's shift, will probably compel me to take to my bed for the bulk of Christmas Eve so my children don't have to witness me as I go through the DTs, sweating and muttering "Do you need a gift receipt tonight?" Seriously, last night I had a stare-down contest with a woman who held up the line at the register I was operating as she attempted to get me to cave to a discount for a book that had a tiny fold in the lower back corner of the cover. "I can't believe a business of your caliber would allow a product like this out on your floor!" she raged as I squinted to see the problem. "That's nothing," I replied. "You should really see the condition of some of the books we find in the men's restroom. Talk about your caliber of business!"

(Oh, you're right. I didn't say that! I did, however, absolutely think it as I apologized for the inconvenience and assured her management wouldn't allow me to discount a product with such a minor flaw. I am not, however, kidding about the things we've found in the men's restroom, though.)

So, to draw this long post about nothing to a close, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope you enjoy your holidays. I also leave you with a new Christmas song (a cover version, actually) by my pretend husband (who, um, has perhaps taken to wearing eye liner, though I can't be certain...) and his band. I hope you all find something under your tree that makes you happy, but if it has a tiny fold in the lower back cover, I'm sorry. I hope the gift giver has a gift receipt for you!