...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

remember when tlc was called 'the learning channel'?

My kids made me record, watch, and physically retch so violently I could tell you what I had for dinner the night prior a television show featuring a woman who drinks her own urine.

Let me pause and take a sip of my delicious, sort of looks like urine if you squint diet Mountain Dew while you marinate over that.

A comforting cocktail, it says. Comforting cocktail. Oh, I'm not even gonna go all the places I could go with that one, if you know what I mean, and trust me, I could go many places.

Not only does she drink it, she also bathes in it, cups her eyes with it, ingests it through her nasal passages, and does something called 'urine packing.' That, friends, is a place I don't want to go. She does this not for survival, Bear Grylls-style, but because she thinks she's healing herself of disease, specifically cancer. The show led us to believe urine therapy is a thing, but it's not my thing. I prefer my meds over the counter rather than through the urethra, but OK for her, I guess...except, based on the look on the doctor's face in this particular episode, probably not very OK.

My kids ate this up (or drank it up, as the case may be), whereas I watched through split fingers adhered to my eyes as though I was watching a horror movie. When I came downstairs this morning, my youngest son was bringing a large cup of something that looked like urine up to his mouth and I screamed, but he assured me it was apple juice. Based on how often I have to remind the men in this house to flush a toilet, all I can do is hope.

I don't have a point to this post, nor can I think of other words right now that start with the letter P for a post all about pee. I just wanted to say that, for a night filled with great family television viewing potential, this one was in the crapper

(pee s - it should be noted that while I couldn't watch a lady guzzle her own urine, after the kids went to bed, I DID watch fake zombies rip apart screaming protagonists in what was an epic conclusion to this season's Walking Dead without any qualms)

(pee pee s - pee s? hilarious!)


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

'bus boy, bartender, ladies of the night, grease monkey, ex-junkie, winner of the fight'

I'm not sure which, if any of those, job titles might be on The Husband Formerly Known as Unemployed's new business cards (though, since the strongest thing he drinks is skim milk, it's probably safe to scratch 'bartender'), but I am very happy to say that today, said husband is, at this moment, four minutes into his brand new job!

Let's pause for a row of exclamation points, shall we?


Phone call for an interview came late Monday night. Two interviews took place Tuesday. Job offer came late Tuesday night. New job starts today (seven weeks to the moment he lost his last one, but who's counting, asked the girl whose been counting for seven weeks...)

Is it a great job? Don't know yet.
Is the pay comparable to what he had been making? Will be.
Can I get used to him being home every night? Time will tell.
Do we have dental insurance? No.
Will I without question develop a mouth full of cavities because I'm actually supposed to be at the dentist at this very moment but had to cancel said appointment and of course I have been stress eating some Snickers? Probably.

BUT WHATEVER! The important thing here is JOB!

And coming up with a new blog nickname for my husband.

(I'm not particularly fond of Khaki Pants and Sensible Shoes Wearing Man, but that would be fitting today)(also don't love Carrying His Lunch in a Cooler Guy)

Thanks for all your good thoughts and well wishes. Honestly, if I can be greedy, I'd ask for them to stay in your rotation because now we're 10 minutes into his new job and it's still too early to tell if it will be soul sucking.

But even if it is...well, we'll deal with that it if happens. For now hooray!



Friday, March 09, 2012

'ha ha ha bless your soul'

Yesterday at the bookstore, I helped a gentleman who wished to purchase two copies of the Guinness Book of World Records. Before he placed his purchase on the counter, he informed me he'd be paying with cash and I assured him that would be a delight. Then he informed me he wanted me to keep his purchases because he had to use the rest room. I had no way of knowing if that, too, would be a delight, but I let him know his books were safe with me until his return.

Several minutes later, he made that return. As I handed him his bag, our hands briefly touched, our eyes met and locked, and I knew in an instant, I'd found my soul mate.

Not really. If you know the meet cute story of my husband and I, you already know he and I met years ago at a Barnes and Noble, so I'm now off limits to random dudes purchasing world record books.

Our hands did brush against each others,though, and while I didn't fall in love, of course, I did wonder if he'd washed those paws upon completing any and all bathroom duties he'd been away doing, which, if you recall from two paragraphs ago, was for several minutes. It was when we pulled away from each other, though, when the fun began.

"I am a very famous engineer," the man informed me.

"Oh?" I responded.

"Yes," he continued. "When I was a child, I drew the space shuttle on a launch pad and NASA used my designs as part of the space program."

"Oh?" I responded, but truth is, I was thinking "Uh oh..."

"Yes," he continued. "Also, I created a variety of different bar code systems, including ones used for different security companies, the government, and as well as by McDonald's for their Happy Meals."

"Sounds like you've led an incredibly diverse life," I said, noticing now that the man was outfitted in some type of jumpsuit made from what appeared to be reinforced blue tissue paper, which may have explained why it took him so long in the bathroom...and that's the explanation I'm going with because I've been made aware of OTHER things that have taken place in the men's room at the bookstore and I care not to think that this man might have been involved in such business because, let me remind you, our hands touched for an uncomfortable number of minutes.

"Somewhere out there, there's a trust that's been established in my name, and when I find it, I know there will be enough money contained within to wipe out the entire national debt," my guest continued.

"Well, when you find that trust, maybe you'd want to come back here and find me and maybe give me some of that money!" I said with a chuckle.

He just looked at me like I was crazy.