...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

if he brings home a whiny teenage girl and tells me he's in love, i'll know for sure he's accepted the curse


Friday night I was enjoying dinner with my boys when I glanced over at my oldest son and saw a tiny drop of blood venture down his neck. "That? Oh, some seventh grade kid did that to me in the the hallway at school today," he said in response to my semi-alarmed inquiry. "He had his hand out and he scratched my neck when he went past me during classes. It was an accident. He apologized to me and stuff."

It sounded plausible, and yet there are couple flaws in my son's story. First, there's a nearly identical mark on the other side of his neck, meaning the seventh grader must have double-backed and totally Wolverined my son on the other side. The second flaw rests in the fact that my son is a sixth grader and there are separate wings of the middle school for the sixth and seventh grade classes. Did this seventh grader time travel after his math class, wake up dazed and confused having landed in the six grade hallway and, in his confusion, freak out on my kid in a desperate bid to return to his normal? I don't know. Neither does my son, who rolled his eyes at me when I asked him if that last theory was possible (someone better start paying more attention in science class, methinks...).

Here's what I do know. If you kind of squint and then cock your head to the right a bit, that thing on my kid's neck kind of looks like it could be a vampire bite, and so help me, if my kid "changes" and starts acting all vampire-like, I'm going to be hella irritated! Who the hell wants an 11-year-old immortal living in their house forever?! Anytime under the age of 16 is not a good time to be given the vampire curse, in my opinion. The kid will forever need me or his Dad to shuttle him around because he'll never be able to get a driver's license, so there's that issue. Also, he'll live forever and yet not be able to get a job because who's going to hire an 11-year-old boy, even if the kid is all, "Dude, seriously, I'm 742 years old. I think I can figure out how to run the drive-through here at the old McDonald's, OK?", thus he'll live here forever, and I love him and all, but come on!

Also, the kid has developed a quasi-serious case of the back talks and I for one don't want to live out the rest of my life hearing "No!" every time I tell him it's time for bed, or ask him to stop draining the blood from our guests because it's rude.

I've kept an eye on him all weekend. This morning when we were at church, he didn't screech and act all weird when we entered, so I took that as a good sign; however, during worship, I wrapped my arms around him and noticed the little dude's flat stomach is as hard as a rock, which, according to these teenage vampire books I've been hearing so much about these days, is a sign I may have a bloodsucker on my hands!

Come to think of it, he had me wrap my arms around him because he told me HE WAS COLD, which is another big, big problem for The Vamps. I've been looking for other tell-tale signs of his potential transformation, but we've seriously been lacking in the sun around here for the last few days, which means I can't tell if he glitters and glows like a million shards of glass covered in silver glitter and lit ablaze like a burning flame when the light reflects off his marble skin that's as pale as alabaster or a bone china bowl of French vanilla ice cream.

But take another look up there at him (if you can, look past the fact that the kid is a hairy little beast)(crap - what if, instead of a vampire, the kid is a damn werewolf!?!)(oh, wait...werewolves are part of those teen vampire stories, too)(double crap). That little monkey is pale, so going on that whole powdery white skin description of vampires is going to be tough. Hell, you've seen me up there in the corner. If anyone is a potential vampire in this family, I think you're looking at it in that tiny photo (hahaha...my Tool Man just said I'm totally a vampire because I suck. Hahaha. I don't suck! I'm totally cool! Hahahaha, Tool Man...WAIT A MINUTE...).

We may be safe, though, when it all comes down to it. This kid of mine? He's always up at the crack of dawn. First glimmer of sun in his window raises him from the dead of sleep, not the dead of dead. While that's apparently acceptable if you're going to be some emo Shakespeare-quoting vampire, it's kind of a big faux paus if you're going to be a bad ass vampire, and the way he's fine-tuning the talking back, I think it's safe to assume we'd be dealing with a bad ass vampire.

The disturbing part of all this isn't that I milked an entire blog post out of my kid's scratches and possibly made up excuse for them (honestly, I think they came at the hands - aka incisors - of the annoying girl who calls our house constantly and walks to school with my son. The one who wants to marry him now, so what if we're only 11, that 'Y' under the possible bite marks is from when I started carving the word 'yes' into your skin...), or that the boy has a neck so tiny he'll never be able to support the kind of hair one apparently needs to be a brooding adolescent vampire. The real problem lies in the fact that I'm a raging zombie lover (I've been known to say on more than one occasion that "Vampires drool! Zombies Rule!"), so if I were going to have a fictional character of lore as my offspring, I'm kinda thinking I'd feel gyped if it turned out I'd have a blood sucker rather than a brain muncher. I guess my only other option is hope my first grader crosses paths with a rowdy third grader who decides he wants to crunch into his cranium.
--------------------

So you know I've made no secret of my dislike of Twilight and the heavy-handed, screaming for good editorial roll in the sheets writing style it has (typing that made me laugh with irony because, wow, take a look at the post up there....). I hate that book so hard! However, I like all of you who come here (oh, I even love some of you)(you know who you are) and tell me that you enjoyed Twilight and it's three follow-up novels, so, in light of that, and because I sell juvenile and young adult novels for a quasi-living, I figured I'd swallow my disdain, go against my adamant "I'll never read another Stephenie Meyer book as long as I live" creed, and give New Moon, the second book in this series a shot. After giving up nearly 16 hours of my life listening to it on CD (trust me, reading it would have taken me far, far longer because I'd have bitched far, far more with each page I turned), I can now say (again) that I'll never read (nor listen to) another Stephenie Meyer book as long as I live. It would probably be impossible to do so, I think, because I rolled my eyes so much while listening to how every conversation between the characters was said with a hiss (and that's the least of my complaints) that I'm still trying to get them back into their proper position! This little experiment just goes to show we all have different tastes, and I, for one, will never like the taste of blood as sucked up and presented by angsty teenage vampires. I hope we can still be friends. Like Jacob and Bella, but without the constant talking about my weird growth spurts and amber skin, OK?

Labels:

50 Comments:

Blogger Bex said...

i'm not sure - because i haven't read them - but aren't those stephanie meyer books written for young adults? if so, you are off the hook for not liking them - you, being an adult and all.

Sunday, January 11, 2009 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Hi, recently stumbled across your excellent blog.

I'm one of those sorry individuals who, despite years of higher education, lit minor, etc., adore the "Twilight" series, but I laughed my ass off at "emo Shakespeare quoting vampire." Less funny is the thought of any non-fictional adolescent, anywhere, remaining in that tragic state for all of eternity. Best of luck to you with that . . .

Sunday, January 11, 2009 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I haven't read any of the Twilight series, but I enjoyed reading this post. Love your theories on the marks.

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:07:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Clearly your son is rebelling by not becoming a zombie.

Obvious, really.

Monday, January 12, 2009 4:43:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I haven't read the Twilight series, but it's funny your post mentions it, as we were talking about them during sunday school yesterday (I teach the high-school), and they were all recommending them.

Somehow, I think I'll go with your review, even if you do prefer brain munchers.

Monday, January 12, 2009 6:38:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Looks like something specific was being carved into his neck.

Maybe he joined a gang!! :)

Aren't I helpful?

Hallie :)

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:05:00 AM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm sorry for your pain. Being afflicted with a Tween is worst than living with a vampire.

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:25:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Maybe you should start wearing garlic around your neck JUST IN CASE.

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:37:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but it wasn't a vampire: this is clearly the work of a chupacabra.

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:47:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I highly recommend you keep looking for signs. I remember another vampire in recent folklore (Lestat), and if memory serves me correctly, didn't he take his mother down with him?

Just be on your guard, is all I'm saying.

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I don't know, the patterns look sort of like hieroglyphics...are you sure it isn't some sign of a coming alien invasion? You know like crop circles or something? I'd watch the sky if I were you.

I love you enough to overlook your obvious misguidance on the Twilight books though I have to say, I hate almost all books on tape, the voices just ruin it for me.

Monday, January 12, 2009 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

I love Chas' comment being a huge fan of Lestat.

So, I don't know about you but I think those scratches merit a little drive to the school and raising some hell.

Me? I'd rather be a vampire that a werewolf or Zombie. Hotter clothes and shoes.

Monday, January 12, 2009 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

I meant "than" a werewolf or Zombie. And why do I always capitalize the word Zombie? I need to see a therapist.

Monday, January 12, 2009 9:49:00 AM  
Blogger Laggin said...

New Moon sucks. I could have told you that. There is no whinier, self-indulgent book on the face of the earth. I went through an Oprah-book phase in the mid-90's, so I KNOW the whiney-ass, pathetic female genre very well. Hell, the "Book of Ruth" is more uplifting than New Moon.

Monday, January 12, 2009 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I think "Ginger Snaps" is an excellent movie about teenage werewolves, if you haven't already seen it. Teenage girl werewolves, though. If you have an affinity for teenage girl werewolves.

Yesterday my 5-year old son walked into the room with his arms out, saying he was a zombie and that he was going to bite me. I bit him back, though. Young zombies have no skillz.

If your son is getting that kind of neck-redness from girls now, you are in for some seriously troublesome teenage years.

Monday, January 12, 2009 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I am contemplating reading Twilight. I just finished the Dead Until Dark series, except book 8 which I can't seem to get my filthy hands on.
Those are some serious scratches. Methinks I'd be having a little chat with the wee kitten you think may have caused them.

Monday, January 12, 2009 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

Vampires are pretty cool.

Wolverine is even cooler. Maybe he'll turn into Wolverine. You'll never have to worry "where are the kabob skewers?" again.

Very, very cool.

Monday, January 12, 2009 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I read all 4 books in the Twilight series but I am not an addict, I was just bored and ordered them on Amazon and then was bound to read them all because I had already paid for them. I doubt I will re-read them like I do most other books in my library.

Monday, January 12, 2009 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

College daughter recommended that I read 'Twilight' because she just couldn't put it down. Well, I had no trouble putting it down. I agree with you - it was dumb, esp. considering half the kids at the high school walk around all Emo looking like vampires. Real scary, huh?
But the hair on that boy does impress.

Monday, January 12, 2009 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger TattooedMinivanMom said...

Did ya ever find out what happened?

Monday, January 12, 2009 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Oh I feel ya. I read them to find out what happened and then went "Meh". Too bad your son's not a zombie. I laughed my ass off at that, picturing him like Shaun's best friend in Shaun of the Dead, on a chain in your backyard, hanging out with your other son but not allowed to bite him.

Monday, January 12, 2009 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Holy Wah, that's a nasty-looking mark. And he's got a matching one on the other side?

I don't mean to be all 'alarmist', or anything, but this is raising a red flag or two in my mind. . .

Monday, January 12, 2009 12:40:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

seriously ...what happened ?

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:00:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Vampires are better than werewolves or zombies because even when they're staked they have a habit of managing to get themselves resurrected - I think Hammer Films lost count of the number of Dracula sequels they made...

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:12:00 PM  
Blogger jessx said...

wewh. i am good to know i wont have to fight you for Edward Cullen.

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:20:00 PM  
Blogger jessx said...

oh let me edit myself 'i am glad to know' not good to know.

my bad.

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:20:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I have absolutely no interest in reading Twilight, although my oldest son read them all. I do, however, have an addiction to reading anything you write. You crack me up.

My younger son got bitten by a girl earlier this year in high school. Her reason? He broke up with that week's girlfriend, who was also the biter's BFF. When I was in school, we used the 'death stare' in the cafeteria when we hated people. What's with all the scratching and biting?

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I guess I would favor the vamp over the zombie purely because "cranium munchers" tend to look a little worse for the wear, and vamps tend to look more - "pretty" and always seem to have a buttload of money. I too would go after the bazillionaires if I were vampish!

As for the book/movie. I enjoyed it. I would see it again, but I am not pining to see it again.

I still heart you. If you still heart me...

Monday, January 12, 2009 1:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Marla said...

I won't even think of reading any of the Twilight Series. Partially because of your blogs about it and alot because of this annoying 33 year old with a really loud mouth, who was like 'OMG, they are totally 13, but they are awwwwsooommee, you HAVE to read them!"

no i don't.

Monday, January 12, 2009 2:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I'm gonna totally laugh when it turns out he really IS a vampire and he finds his Bella. I can laugh about it because I'm not the one who's going to be her MIL. You are.
I read the third book in the series and loved it but now I'm rereading it and I don't like it nearly as much. Actually, I don't like it at all. I think it was the afterglow of seeing the movie and reading the book so soon after that made me like the third book so much.
I tried, I really did.

Monday, January 12, 2009 6:21:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

what the heck happened to him??? somethin isn't right there. in my motherly state i would totally question why he had bilateral marks like that.

and as far as the twilight series goes---i had the books i tried to read 'em but i couldn't. i couldn't get past the part that my 15 year old had no desire to read them and they were written for her age group so it would totally make me uncool to read a teen novel if my teen daughter blew it off like last nights homework.

hope your lil guy is okay.

Monday, January 12, 2009 7:12:00 PM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

For the record, it wasn't my daughter.

Monday, January 12, 2009 8:29:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

If your son were a vampire he'd so be a cool one like out of the Lost Boys....
Lusting you always....

Monday, January 12, 2009 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Yeah, 11 year old vampire is not a good scene, but I think I'd hope for that over the 11 year old girl trying to "mark him"!

AS for Twilight, I bowed to peer pressure (yep all my pre-teen friends made me) and read it - it was good, pretty damn good. But if Steph Meyer was smart she would have stopped with the first one, I'd say the same for you :-)

Monday, January 12, 2009 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger girl said...

I only think it's ok to become a vampire once you are self supporting. IE, Claudia from Interview with a Vampire. She'd of been screwed had she lived and Brad had died. Catch what I am throwing?

Is it sad I didn't even know about Twilight till the plethora of screaming teenagers were at our mall after that boy?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 8:07:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

I think I have before, but just in case...

Delurking.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

what do you mean...you didn't like all the fucking "murmuring"?

hahah.

that being said...i read all the twilight books. and liked them. *sigh*

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Cameron said...

Perhaps his 'girlfriend' is a vampire, but not a very good one.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Maybe it's me, and maybe it's just the angle of the picture, but is that the latin alphabet representations of the letter F and the letter Y? Holy Transylvanian tattoo!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 2:58:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Vampires can fly, and THAT is a skill that could totally come in handy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 5:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Shamelessly Sassy said...

That is for sure a vampire bite. It is!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 5:42:00 PM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

Just a quick note. Haven't said Hi in a while and a few have declared the last day or two as de-lurking days and so i'm making my rounds to say hi to all of those that are my favorites.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 7:35:00 PM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Can I just tell you that I laughed through this entire post.

About Twilight. I can't decide if it's the book I love to hate or the book I hate to love. I think it's the latter. It's so bad, but it's so good. Kind of like Edward.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 7:59:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

I wrote a guest post once that listed the top ten reasons why I wish I was a zombie. I don;t remember what they all were but I'm pretty sure they were awesome. Unlike vampires, which suck. Ah hahahaha haha

That joke never gets old.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 9:24:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

With the full moon and all, I'm guessing his "girlfriend" is a werewolf.
I'd keep an eye on that.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 11:22:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

HA! LOVE this! I think you and me and the few others who are not drooling fans of the Twilight world should form a GANG. We could cruise the mall looking all lethal and bad ass in milf-y black leather bustiers and totally taking on vampires and wannna-be teen idols and tween nail-scratchers.

We would rule.

(I get a whip, right?)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 11:29:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Bex - They do fall under the 'young adult' genre, but we sell a ton of them to adults, and, at Christmas, a ton of men who didn't know what else to buy their wives, girlfriends and daughters!

legallyblondemel - They've truly captured a ton of readers, but ah, it's just more than I can take!

Heather - If any of those theories pan out, I may just write my own books!

Chris - I think you're right. Kids are so testy these days!

Sailor - Stay away...just take it from me. Stay away from them!

WWoW - A gang?! Gah! I never even thought of that!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life - You're telling me I'm doomed, aren't you?

Under the Influence - My house reeks of the stuff thanks to all the cooking I've been doing with it - JUST IN CASE!

TwoBusy - You are awesome! It's bad enough I truly fear Big Foots, but now I have this to add!

Chas - Gah! You're right! I think all you are telling me that I am doomed!

Stiletto Mom - I figured if I listened to the book, it would be less time-consuming than reading it, but you are right. The voice of the reader and attempts at inflection were part of my annoyance with it...but I'll still dislike the book! :)

Bee - You're right. Vampires are the classiest of characters. Trouble is the kid needs a job to feed that habit. Or suck the blood of the staff at American Eagle and take off with the goods.

Laggin - Hilarious! Also, I've never listened to anything as whiny and indulgent since I wrote in my teenage journals!

ftn - Zombies need mentors. We should really look into such a thing. Also, girls love this kid of mine. I am in a world of trouble.

Heather - Clearly, I can not recommend the Twilight series, but many have taken of the bloody Kool Aid and enjoyed it! I am going to start the Dead After Dark books soon.

clll - I hadn't thought of it from that perspective...very, very true, and quite helpful, too!

Kat - Happily, I was able to check the first book out from work, so I didn't feel bad about spending my money on them. Instead, I've bought a zombie series I'm digging into soon.

Cocotte - One of my beefs while reading the first one - "Where's the administration of this school?! If people are absent so often, wouldn't you expel them?!" I couldn't hang up some reality!

TattooedMinivanMom - He stands by the whole 'seventh grade kid in the hallway between classes' story.

Meg - OH! If my kid was a 'Shaun of the Dead' style zombie, I'd be cool with that!

Des - He's not changed his story when we've quizzed him about it every few days, and not come home with any additional marks, so I need to see how things play out.

Swirl Girl - Hallway chaos...and he doesn't seem stressed by it, so I'm going with that.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Brian - So you're telling me I've really got no outs if he does become a vampire, aren't you?

jessx - He's all yours...and every other woman's who has a crush on him!

Mary Ellen - I need to teach my kid how to do the death stare, I think. At least to protect himself in the school hallways until his vampire transformation is complete!

lori - Of course I heart you. I also heart the idea of my kid making some money to contribute around here. I'll push the vampire thing!

Marla - Hold strong, sista. Hold strong!

Sammanthia - Dude, I want grandkids one day, but the idea of half vampire/half human grandkids scares me to death!

kimmy - Little dude seems to be hanging strong. He's never had any problems with others in school (knock on wood) so I'm guessing he was playing and that was the end result.

CT Mom - But if it was, that would be OK!

Savage - I'd be cool with him being a cool Lost Boys-esque vampire, for sure, mostly because he'd walk around with a kick ass soundtrack!

Mandy lou - My goal was to stop at the first, but the world loves them so much I figured I'd see. Yeah. I should have stopped at one!

girl - I agree. Get a job. Open a savings account. Become a vampire. Poetic, really, since life can really suck a lot out of you!

Betsey - You have, but I appreciate it now. And then!

Ali - Gah. The murmuring and the hissing and the hissing and the hissing... I love you like Edward apparently loves Bella though you'd often be hard pressed to know it because gah, he's kinda bitchy sometimes... ;)

Cameron - If this is her 'initiation,' she really blew it!

Merecat - If my kid knows any letters of the Latin alphabet, I should probably really go tell him how proud I am!

Biscuit - That could absolutely cut down on Tool Man and I having to cart him around all the time! This goes in the 'pro' column now!

Shamelessly Sassy - Great. We're doomed!

Chrissy - Thanks for coming by and saying hi!

Madame Queen - Oh, I am definitely in the former!

bejewell - I don't doubt for a minute they were all awesome, too. Also, that joke is indeed so fresh and fantastic I used it again today!

Zip n Tizzy - Now that you say that, he did have a science presentation on the solar system recently and he chose the moon, and he was fascinated by the huge new moon we saw Saturday night...

Weirdgirl - You'd absolutely get a whip. I want nunchucks, so we'd be hardcore!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I am late to the party as usual, but you can tell a story like nobody's business, my friend. And I want to come roam the halls of big boy's school keeping the scratchers, girls and vampires away for you. I seem to be itching for a rumble these days.

Sunday, January 18, 2009 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

That girl from ... - You're sweetness personified! Thank you. Also, come on over for rumbling. Can we have Pink Lady jackets, please?

Sunday, January 18, 2009 4:17:00 PM  

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