...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

jolly good, england. jolly good, indeed

Oh, England, long have I loved you. You have given me so much even though I've asked for so little, and for that, how could I not be grateful.

England, do you know you've had my heart from the very first moment I heard a carefree girl I later dreamed was me laughing her jaunty laugh to open Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf? You have, England. You have.

I know you're far too sophisticated, England, to want me to tell you all the other reasons I love you, but I'm going to anyway, for I am just a clumsy American, and when I get like this, I can't stop myself. Humor me, England...

England, I woke up early to watch Lady Diana Spencer marry and become a princess, and stayed up late to watch her funeral years later. My love knows no timetable.

I love that you've given me clever, more sophisticated sounding words for things. Words like lift, bangers, loo, and biscuit. Bloody hell, England! Do you know how sexy you sound when you talk? It makes me want to bonk you, England. Hell, England, I would stand around in a bloody queue just for the chance to bonk you, and believe me, if I had that chance, I would bonk you all night long! Then, if all that bonking made us a baby, I would push that baby around in a buggy. Seriously, England, my knickers are so off for you.

You gave me the queen, England. No, not THE queen, but rather the fantastic Queen. Even that whole Radio GaGa thing isn't so bad. And while you didn't give me Prince, you did give me Prince Harry, that silly rapscallion, and for that, again, there's love. The same way I love how you generously gave me Ricky Gervais and the smashing UK version of The Office, Simon Pegg and Shawn of the Dead (and Hot Fuzz)(and oh, yes, Spaced), and England, DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON Monty Python and The Holy Grail. I mean it, England, if you get me started on that, I will never stop quoting from it. Ever.

("Too late! There he is! Where? There. What? Behind the rabbit? It is the rabbit! You silly sod! You got us all worked up! Well, it's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared! Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It'll kill ya!")

(See what I mean, England? You only have yourself to blame for that one!)

The only real problem I seem to have with you, England, are roundabouts. Roundabouts are confusing, England! Am I supposed to slow down? Who do I yield to? Am I even supposed to yield? I know. It's a minor detail, really, and if you can forgive me that Robbie Williams never hit bigger here across the pond, I can forgive you roundabouts.

However, England, I think the real reason I love you is best demonstrated in the following photo:


England!! Look what you gave me on my telly! I don't remember any BBC folks interviewing me for that program, but I'll admit, those they did helped in the crafting of a fine piece of television. Oh, do not judge me, England! Just because I will never care for James Bond movies doesn't mean you have a place to look down upon me because I learned of My Big Breasts and Me while watching a program titled Brothers and Sisters in Love (you gave it to me, England. Much like you gave me My Fake Baby. It's not all Dr. Who and Gordon Ramsey, is it now, luv?) I love you, England, because you love boobs, and that makes me very randy. Shall we shag, England? Yeah? OK, but can we make it quick? That Tree Man show might be on Discovery Channel right now, and while I love you so, England, I'm a bit of a tramp when it comes to train wreck television.

Air kisses, England! Let's have tea soon!

Labels: ,

54 Comments:

Blogger Chris Wood said...

You are hearby invited for tea at Wood Towers. My wizened staff will cater for your needs, and Scrotum my wrinkled retainer will ensure your laundry is impeccable.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:25:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

PS Please do not tip the staff. It gives them ideas above their station, and both of my thrashing implements are being mended.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

I use the words "wonky" and "knackered" *all the time*. It doesn't sound right when I say it, but I say it anyway. I love England THAT MUCH.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

One too many nips of the hard cider again, FADKOG?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:29:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Reveal away, BBC America. Reveal away.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Roundabouts are there to stop foreigners invading. They're either not used to them, or they will try and go round them the wrong way.

I notice they've started to appear in the US, just with different rules.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:47:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Would you push your adorable English baby in a buggy or a pram?

"What is your name?

What is your quest?

What is your favorite color?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

We must have been on some weird British wave length FADKOG because I was going to blog about the fact that they have a "no kissing" sign somewhere near Manchester that made me give them a hearty thumbs up. I decided not to though because I was recently told by one British dude to ummm "F*ck off!" :o)

I'm not saying who it was but his first name rhymes with Chris and his last name rhymes with Wood.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

LOLOLOLOLOL

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

From my two trips to London, I can tell you that one of the BBC channels is pretty much dedicated to nightly documentaries about all sorts of naughty bits: transgenderism, sex addicts, kidney pie molestation -- you name it. God Save The Kinks!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

they ARE more kinky over there AND it is in London where I first experienced how REAL Guiness tastes (not the bloody american version here). Sigh.... give me a yummy english accent anyday...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

They do have the craziest shit on BBC America. I'ts hilarious. That Tree Man freaks me out though.

And what is the deal with Roundabouts? I was down in Palm Springs recently and they have roundabouts at many intersections. It's crazy. What's wrong with a good old fashioned stop sign? I felt lucky to get out alive everytime I went around one. You spot your exit and then pray that no one will jump on in front of you as you are swerving toward your turnoff and then you just fling yourself out of it and hope that you took the right one. Because if not you have to get back in and start all over. Crazy.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

It's just a flesh wound.

::grin::

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:34:00 PM  
Blogger Dawg said...

*sniff, sniff* and I thought you and I (Canada) had a good thing going.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger kaila said...

My love for all things Prince equals yours my dear.
Shawn of the Dead is one of my all time favorites.

Oh, and It's only a flesh wound, come back and fight!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 2:48:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

bollocks is, by far, the very best word to come out of brits ;)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 2:52:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I've always had a secret dream I'll move to England marry me a lovely Englishman and I'll raise delightful babies that call me "Mum:. I want to be "Mum".

"What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 2:58:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I thought the baby got pushed around in a 'pram'. . .

My love for England, and all things English (even never having been there) began (surprise!) with the Beatles, the Stones, Clapton and the Who. And, once my education had begun to take hold, just a bit, progressed on to CS Lewis, GK Chesterton, and John Henry Newman. . .

I should also tell you the story of a woman I once knew, who traveled to London on business. Her (male) host met her at the airport and drove her to her hotel. Once she was securely checked in, he asked about how they should meet up the following day, asking, "Shall I knock you up about eight?" Which sounds a bit different to American ears than how he meant it. . .

And listen, if BBCAm didn't contact you for their Big documentary, how is it possible to even take it seriously?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 3:07:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Who wouldn't love a country where small children regularly use words like "lovely" and "brilliant"?

I think my love of England began long before I ever visited. It was probably when I was 9 and would stay up late to watch Benny Hill reruns on TV. I still get the theme music stuck in my head sometimes...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 3:08:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And of course,

England swings like a pendulum do. . .

And somehow, it just makes me feel all 'beatle-y' that my WordVer is 'jalgarew'. . .

Ommmmmmm. . .

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Those Fake Baby people freak me out. With Cats and small dogs, I'll give it an OK and call you a little loopy maybe, but doting over fake babies like 3 year olds? Their boats aren't fully floating, I tell you, not fully floating.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 4:29:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

You crack me the hell up. You and England.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

The Brits, for all their lack of channels to surf, have some mighty trashy tv shows.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 5:42:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I, too, appreciate the things England gave us, most prominently the greatest lead singer in history (Freddy Mercury) and one of the greatest movies ever (MP and the Holy Grail, of course) but you're obviously a lot closer to all things Brit, being ready to shag and all. Maybe if I saw the Big Breasts show...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 5:43:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I bloody love England as well!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

The secret to roundabouts is not to slow down and never show fear. Plus, they're hella fun on a sport bike!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 6:12:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Add me to the clumsy American list of unabashed Anglophiles. If Madonna hadn't ruined it already, I'd brazenly run around screaming "bloody" this and that in a terrible faux accent.

If you're a "Python" fan - and who of any taste isn't, really - have you also seen the "Blackadder" series? Glorious Rowan Atkinson & Hugh Laurie before anyone knew who they were here.

But you can't have Colin Firth, in case you were wondering - he's already my pretend British husband.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 6:37:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I lust you like you lust this England fella....

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 7:38:00 PM  
Blogger Fu Manchu Dad said...

Being employed by a British company, although here in Southern CA, I am constantly on the phone with various Brits and Scots and Irish folk and have developed the habit of ending phone conversations with "CHEERS!".

And, by the way, Freddy Mercury was from the Isle of Malta, not England.

Cheers!
FMD

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 9:23:00 PM  
Blogger American in Norway said...

I soo wanted to end up in England...instead I got pissed one night & ended up in Norway... Shit.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 5:31:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Anytime you need a place to crash in England, I totally have a sofa for you. Oh have you seen the "Magic Roundabout" in Swinton. Holy shit on a stick that thing is scary looking. Google it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

England also has Liverpool F.C.
Which has Stephen Gerrard.
Awesome.

Sorry, FADKOG. It's the Football Hooligan coming out in me.

Roundabouts are Awesome. You can do some serious fucking with people's heads on a Good roundabout.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

No sex please, we're British.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Oh, so *that* show is what you were talking about, whatwith the BOOBS! mention yesterday and all.

Yeah, I've seen that one. It's a good show. A couple of those girls have some major league bazongas. A guy could seriously drown in those things.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

You mustn't forget "Are You Being Served" that one was THE BEST and far outdoes everything else to ever come from England.

except Beefeaters...who doesn't love a beefeater?

Stacie

Thursday, February 19, 2009 3:03:00 PM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

Round abouts rock... wanna have a good laugh, roll down the windows with the kids in the car and drive around and around while the children laugh there heads off. And the other drivers look at you like you are crazy! Ya it is a jolly good time!

**not that anyone has done this in my house**

Thursday, February 19, 2009 3:30:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I love it that our gps says things like take the "motorway" instead of highway. And I'd love to see Hugh Laurie and Gordon Ramsey mud wrestle.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 3:31:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

I have a friend in the UK .. when we voice chat, I can barely understand a word he says .. but he likes big boobies, like all good Englishmen do .. I guess. lolol

Thursday, February 19, 2009 5:37:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Queen rocks!

Thursday, February 19, 2009 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

the guy that took my order at Starbucks yesterday had a fab Brit accent (unfortunately that is where his resemblance to David Beckham began AND ended). I asked him if he was a Manchester fan, and he responded, I've never had a football team.

Me neither! I replied. He totally didn't get it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 9:04:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

You are officially invited come with Mr. Sweetypants and me next time we go. He's from Northamptonshire, just like beautiful Diana, and she's buried there. I remember getting up early to watch her wedding, I was waiting to be picked up to go to the club when I heard she'd been in an accident, and the memory of the "mummy" note on her casket will always break my heart.

We'll have to drive through roundabouts, but you and I both have awesome racks and can slow down traffic.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 9:09:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

You are officially invited come with Mr. Sweetypants and me next time we go. He's from Northamptonshire, just like beautiful Diana, and she's buried there. I remember getting up early to watch her wedding, I was waiting to be picked up to go to the club when I heard she'd been in an accident, and the memory of the "mummy" note on her casket will always break my heart.

We'll have to drive through roundabouts, but you and I both have awesome racks and can slow down traffic.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 9:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Steve said...

You're welcome ;-) Roundabouts do have a rational explanation. Due to the welfare state in England there has been altogether too much procreation among the lower orders, and roundabouts serve as an IQ filter. By culling the lower 20 percentile we raise the national intelligence level to average. We have to use roundabouts, it's illegal to shoot them before August 12th.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger bekah said...

Im trying to introduce the word "pram" to my family....they arent buying it...

also...my husband had set out GPS to give us directions with a british accent...and I have developed a bit of a crush on it now. Its the accent I tell ya! Gets me every time!

Friday, February 20, 2009 1:05:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Ah England...

and the Knights who say 'NI'

Friday, February 20, 2009 6:55:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Jolly Good Fun!

Friday, February 20, 2009 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

And guess what else England has just given us? Boots! That's right. England's famed drugstore now sells products right out of Target. I am a fool for Boots. Now go get you some! England will be looking extra forward to shagging, what with you all slathered in her delicious elixirs.

Friday, February 20, 2009 2:10:00 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

I love the British telly (I haven't been there in a few yrs--do they still use that term?).

P.S. My friend just moved to England. If you see someone with glasses who's with her large British girlfriend could you say hi? You'll recognize her: she looks like "what the hell did I just do?"

Friday, February 20, 2009 7:37:00 PM  
Blogger Reinvent Dad said...

I've never been to England, but I completely respect those old Brits who stood up to the Germans (stood alone and endured bombings during WWII)

Saturday, February 21, 2009 12:45:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Chris - Chris!! I forgot that another reason I love England so is because 'manor' and 'towers' gets tucked on to so many things!

Chris - Also, I need a Scrotum. Seriously. I'm done with doing my laundry....

Sammanthia - They key is to adopt a poor example of a British accent. Or perhaps that's just me!

Cocotte - How I wish...

TwoBusy - What's the saying? "The British are coming?" Yeah. That one.

Brian - Had the British had roundabouts back in the day, perhaps we'd all be walking around with your fancy accents. That's just what I'm sayin'... :)

Dana - Ah, a pram. Definitely a pram. (p.s. What's the capital of Assyria?)

Bee - That's interesting, because that same British bloke invited me round his towers for a spot of tea... :)

Swirl Girl - ROTFLMAOROTFLMAOROTFLMAO!!

Always Home - And dammit, here I sit in the suburbs without so much as Cinemax!!

Christina Lee - It's the accent that slays me every time...

Blissfully - We have a number of roundabouts around here now because they think they're fancy in the suburbs, and I swear I break out in a bit of a sweat when I know I'm approaching one, and I pray there are no other cars following or approaching me as I get closer!

iMommy - I've had worse...

Dawg - Aww, don't worry. I'm totally hot for Canada, too!

kaila - Shawn of the Dead is The Awesome. Second only to MP and The Holy Grail. "None shall pass..."

Ali - How is it possible I forgot my love for that word while writing this?! Probably because all my other wordiness sucked it out of me!

Meg - There was a time when I tried to make my kids refer to me only as Mum! Something along the lines of, "I command you, as Queen of this House, to stand aside. And call my Mumsy!"

Des - I think the only reason I was able to take that documentary so seriously is because of the fancy pants accent. A Brit could tell me the sky was green, and I'd buy it because of the accent!

Kate - And 'cheerio!' I quite think I'm going to start using that one in my daily conversations, too!

Des - Those English are a wacky bunch!

Chas - Did you catch that fake baby documentary?! I wasn't sure if I was to be sad or shocked! My expression registered both emotions!

Bethany - In all honesty, England's probably a wee bit funnier than me. ;)

Mandy - It's why my DVR is loaded down with their fancy shows!

Mary Ellen - I might be willing to have England's babies, I love it just that much!

Vodka Mom - CHEERS!

Sunday, February 22, 2009 5:18:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Michael - I think roundabouts and I will never have a comfortable relationship. They've already seen me sweat.

Legallyblondemel - Might I have Clive Owen then, Miss? (btw, I totally typed that in a British accent...)

Savage - Bloody hell, mate!

Fu Manchu Dad - Might you consider asking any of your European contact is they love me the way I love their countries? Cheers!

American in Norway - Don't tell me...it was because of a roundabout, wasn't it? :)

Kat - I'm there! And I saw that Magic Roundabout. Evil. That's what that is!

clll - I looked up the fellow you mentioned. Clearly, he's another reason I'd loved England!

motherbumper - Well, I must thrust my passion onto you!

ftn - In America, the documentary would definitely be called "My Big Bazongas and Me." We're so not classy like the Brits over here.

Stacie - And Little Britian. And The Young Ones. Ahh, how I miss The Young Ones.

Andrea - I may need to try your suggestion the next time I approach a roundabout. I can't let my kids see fear anymore!

Heather - I'd pay cash money (or pounds, as they say) to see Hugh Laurie/Gordon Ramsey dust up!

Divine Chaos - I think this means we're all the same, no matter where we are in the world!

Savage - Hell yes they do!

1blueshi1 - Becks is quite a lovely one to look at, but then he talks and the illusions shatters just a bit. Just lounge around in your tighties, Becks. Mamma says hush now... :)

That Girl - My bags are packed, and my wrack is polished up and ready!

That Girl - I've got two of them, and they're both polished!

Steve - I laughed and laughed and your witty British humour. You slay me!

bekah - Methinks me needs to get a GPS and then drive, and drive, and drive...

Bogart - Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Zip n Tizzy - I just gave you a queenly wave!

MereCat - Guess who needs to be going to Target soon...

Frogs in My Formula - Often, while watching British programming, I have to rewind it several times before giving up entirely on what's being said, but it's worth it!

Reinvent Dad - I've never been either, but I completely agree with you.

Sunday, February 22, 2009 5:35:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

How did I miss that show?

Sunday, February 22, 2009 8:53:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

DCUrbanDad - I urge you to set DVR alerts for this kind of magic!

Sunday, February 22, 2009 11:42:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

You know what? We have roundabouts on our street. And I call them roundabouts and then think, "Huh, where'd I get that term?" but I know it's right. But people look at me like they're not sure it IS right, or even that they know what the hell I'm talking about. And I'm all "Hey, I'm all sophisticated and educated-like, OK?!" And um...

I lost track of what I was saying. I bet Brits don't do that.

Monday, February 23, 2009 5:15:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home