...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

he'll always be my beast of burden

From time to time, you may have noticed I mention having a rather strong aversion to Bigfoot. Hell, rather and strong don't even play nicely enough with each other to adequately describe my aversion to this alleged (hog wash!) creature. My fear of what I believe (BELIEVE! ) to be the cruelest (though perhaps most boring) of woodland creatures has been splattered all over my own blog, as well as across the Internet.

I place the blame for my Bigfoot phobia at the feet of Leonard Nimoy and a quasi-creepy little show he hosted titled In Search Of. I had no business watching that show when I was a child. Hell, I should have been outside playing and frolicking with my peers, but no. I was planted in front of the TV, waiting for the theme music to send chills down my spine after Mr. Nimoy would tease me with the potentially frightening subject we'd be tackling, absorbing it all in great big scoops of amazement because I believed every word the experts spilled. Why wouldn't I? Even if they weren't spouting off facts and artifacts, they'd often be wearing big, black nerd frame eyeglasses, so by virtue of that alone, I KNEW they were smarter than me and had to be telling the truth. Why I have no fear of vampires or aliens is beyond me, but the episode devoted to Bigfoot scared the bejesus out of my impressionable nine year old mind, and from that moment on, I have devoted a portion of my nightly routine to peeking out of my bedroom window blinds to assure myself no large, pungent, follically superior beast stood in wait for me.

Think I'm kidding? That street lamp pictured up there? That street lamp stands at the far corner of my backyard, and that street lamp and I are well acquainted. It is my beacon of safety in a confusing world AND I HAVE SEEN THINGS STANDING UNDER IT THAT HAVE SENT CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE!!!

(things that later turned out to be frolicking bunnies, but that is not the point!)

Of course, if you take a gander at that above photo, you could put together a pretty solid case debunking my Bigfoot fears. Let me point out a couple obvious ones:

  • A general lack of dense foliage. I live in the suburbs. That small stand of trees in the horizon? While perhaps a feasible home for Mr. B. Foot, Esq., it would hardly fill the void of the densely wooded regions of the Pacific Northwest where he tends to make his home. Because trees get cut down around here faster than the homes that go up in their place, and Bigfoot has been described as a rather slow, lumbering creature, I think even if he left his forest dwellings of Oregon or northern California in 1977, he'd still not be anywhere near me by now. And not just because he may have reached the Nebraska border, gotten hella bored, and turned around.
  • Oh, except GAH! Apparently there were numerous Bigfoot encounters near where I grew up and presently live in the late 70s!
  • Over the course of history, Bigfoot has most often preferred to make his presence known to men. I could say a lot about that right here, but I think I'll just leave that one alone.
  • Bigfoot apparently has a rather distinct odor, and while I often smell odd things around my home, I also live with three others who are of the male persuasion and that in itself guarantees I'll be walking into some vapor clouds of their doing (although they will also attempt to blame said odors on each other or other things...like Bigfoot...because they like to keep me freaked out).
  • His name is Bigfoot. Bigfoot. Say it a few times. Not exactly scary, is it? Ooooh! What are you going to do to me, Bigfoot? Kick me in the groin with your giant feet? Shove a giant toe in my nostrils to cut off my airflow? Yeah. Not particularly scary.
Hmmm...I guess I only have a few points. Not much of a case, really. Feel free to add your own, I suppose. Start with this little tidbit I found the other day while straightening up at the bookstore:

From the book Bigfoot: I Not Dead by Graham Roumieu. A humorous little tome meant to give us a chuckle or a frightening manifesto directed right at me. Oh, I think the above pages really, really speak volumes, my friends... Dear Lady? Might as well be Dear INSERT MY NAME HERE!

I thought I was going to have my Bigfoot issues laid to rest last summer when a rag tag team of intrepid explorers claimed to have captured a dead Bigfoot. Oh, I remember fondly my glee the morning I fired up my laptop and the Yahoo news site trumpeted the amazing find. I may have even cried and whispered "Free at last, Bigfoot. Free at last from the stranglehold you have placed upon my life!" Maybe. My intrepid friend, weird girl, staged a most excellent moment in investigative journalism to attend the press conference said explorers held to present their DNA evidence. As we all know (at least those of us among the we who care about these things AND I DO!), that evidence was later debunked (SHOCKING!), and so my fears? They remain. Deep within me. Like Bigfoot deep within his foresty lair.

And so we come to the end of this post, which ultimately was about nothing because I haven't posted anything for nearly a week and figured it was about time. You could, I suppose, say this was a post about Jack Squat.

I, however, like to think it was a post about Sas (wait for it...) quatch!

Labels:

39 Comments:

Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Oh, I am SO ordering that book right now.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 9:26:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Sounds like YOUR post about Sas Squatch and MY post about Jack Shit should get together and go bowling.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Ummmm. . . wow. . .

You have poked good-natured fun at yourself many times over the past few years, for posting about nothing, and I've always thought to myself, "She's just being overly modest. Because her mad blogging skillz are just that good." And even your posts about 'nothing' almost always have something interesting, or endearing, to them.

But this. . . this is, in the most literal sense, a post about. . . nothing. I mean. . . nothing.

Pure genius. . .

Say Hi to The 'Squatch for me, next time you see him. And, while I'm thinking of it, why do we always envision Bigfoot as a 'him'? I mean, if the Bigfoot DNA has, in point of actual fact, passed down to the present day, wouldn't that also imply the existence of female sasquatches, too? But somehow, we never envision a slightly smaller sasquatch, with softer fur, rounder hips, boobs, and a predilection for pink floral-scented thingies. And why is that? Why is Sasquatch always profiled as this giant, unkempt beastie. . . GUY, who's ready to run off with our women (never mind what he may or may not be hung like). . .

Just wonderin'. . .

WordVer = 'laphotho'. . . And no further comment seems appropriate. . .

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

Hhhmmm...we have a black bear running around our neck of the woods - even in the 'burbs. I'll see if I can get a better look to see if it might be Bigfoot instead.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

Whenever I think of Sasquatch, I think of Tenacious D. And then I start rocking.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 10:11:00 AM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

Speaking of Big Foot, Harry and the Hendersons was on a few weeks ago. That is an oldie but goodie.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Big Foot ='s Big Hands ='s big.....I think you should turn it inot a sexual encounter in your mind and then sleep soundly and peacefully.....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 10:49:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

I have to applaud your brave attempt to rhyme "Jack Squat" with "Sasquatch", even as I'm hiding beneath my desk in fear of that gruesome illustration.

I do love the Rolling Stones reference and, with any luck, will happily have that stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Well done!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I've often wondered how this creature got that name. Shouldn't it be BigFEET? I mean, if they only had ONE big foot, we'd most likely be able to easily find them walking around in giant circles.

And who's to say they don't vacation? Everyone needs a break from being elusive every now and then. I hear there are great things to do and see in Iowa.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

crack me up!
I can't help but want to send you the video- Harry and the Hendersons. You'll watch it and totally wish you had a BigFoot all your own.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

It breaks my heart that you and I are not destined to meet.
Living in N. California, I'm too close to Bigfoot, and there are far too many accounts of alien abductions where you live for my taste...
Perhaps we could meet in a neutral spot like Hawaii or the Bahama's. What do you say.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

You're a whole lot more wordy, and infinitely more interesting, when you talk about nothing than when I do.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 12:03:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I remember that Nimoy show... brrrrrr, I get shivers thinking about it! But I blame my childhood fear of bigfoot squarely on Steve Austin, for putting him and his nefarious ways right in front of me in prime time.

Awesome post, as usual, Dear Lady.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

I still fear Bloody Mary and don't go in the bathroom with the light off.

I think fear of Bigfoot is healthy. Better than focusing things that are really scary -- like North Korea.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Have you seen those pictures of those weird beaked creatures they found washed up on the shore somewhere?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 2:06:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I've been battling a damn snake all day.....I'll take something big and hairy and obvious over this skinny, slithering thing any day.

You don't watch those ghost shows on the Travel Channel do you? Cuz those will really freak you out.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You fear Big Foot, I fear Jaws. And I have a son obsessively brilliant about sharks and all things oceany.

Does you kid happen to like bears?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 5:04:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I'm so terribly sorry I could not lay your fears to rest last summer. I truly hoped to raise the severed head of Bigfoot at that press conference in your honor and shout something garbled about bloggers ruling the world, that's right bitches, just before I was escorted out of the building.

sigh

Well, don't be too haunted, Dear Lady. There's always next time.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 5:20:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

That book is crazazy! Pretty funny too.

I kind of chuckled thinking of BF living in that little copse of trees beyond the street light. He's huddled in there cursing the housing market the entire time!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You do know that Bigfoot is on Twitter, don't you? I'm serious here. He's "MEBIGFOOT" and he's hilarious.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 7:57:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

"In Search Of ..."!

You. I. Alike. Scared. Hold me.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

That is one disturbing book! It's like Babmbi is dead?? Nooooo!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 9:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

There USED TO BE dense foliage where you live. Bigfoot ate it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Bigfoot is reknown to be attracted by bacon, booze, cookies and the like. If you have any of these in your house, dispose of them now.

It's only safe.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 5:16:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

I ran into Mr. Foot about 10 miles into the Backcountry of the Smoky Mountains.

He's not so Bad.

He said that he was mostly misunderstood and then he asked if he could carry my pack to the campsite for $20.

*sigh*

There's nothing quite as sad as a panhandling Bigfoot.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 6:57:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Bigfoot phobia? Not spiders or heights but bigfoot? Ok then.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 7:39:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

That page from the book is infinitely more amusing when you read it with a strong Asian accent.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I can understand your fears... I have never been able to shake my childhood terror of Dracula (note to 28-year old self: When you are afraid of vampires, it's not a good idea to read Salem's Lot). And no Twilight hasn't done anything to change this. Did Harry and the Hendersons change anything for you? Doesn't sound like it....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 8:00:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

The book looks hilarious.Though sympathetic to your fear of Bigfoot, I must lay my hands on that book!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 8:16:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

how do you feel about the yeti?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 8:32:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

And now I'm going to have nightmares, thanks to that grisly picture of a deer that looks like it was colored in by rabid children.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

I read the page title and just thought of Jerry Lewis saying 'Hey Lady!' in that loud voice, then looked over at the deer parts in a pool of blood and hoped this book was not in the children's section.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

You'd be better living over here. We don't have big foot, just the Loch Ness Monster, and that's confined to a lake.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 1:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

But I thought Harry and the Hendersons was based on a true story. It's not?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 4:56:00 PM  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Don't feel bad. When those hunters held a press conference and said they'd found him, I believed them, too. For one precious moment in time, I thought the Loch Ness monster was my only worry.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 9:22:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

slow down ...fadkog! i'm still trippin from the zombie infestation. let me catch my breath before we go running into the woods to track down your next boyfriend - er, i mean, bigfoot.

Dear ....Fadkog,

whenever i read your blog posts i think of you as a prettier and better smelling combination of dean koontz and chuck palahniuk.

did you get the dead rabbits i sent you?

love always,
bex (not my real name ... well, sort of)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 10:18:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

oh, he's out there. and he's coming for you...

Thursday, June 18, 2009 1:56:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

In Florida they call Big foot "SkunkApe" how is that for a scary name?

Thursday, June 18, 2009 7:00:00 AM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

Well shit. I didn't realize I had so much to be scared of! Though, I live in New England. Is it too cold here for Bigfoot? Please say yes.

Friday, June 19, 2009 7:50:00 AM  

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