According to my crude system of charts, pulleys, and small stones, Easter was nearly five weeks ago, and yet this rat bastard remains in my pantry to mock me! What kind of person leaves a small brick of solid milk chocolate in my house?My seven year old, gravy-hating masochist, that's who! In the immortal words of Full House's Stephanie Tanner, how rude! Every day, that kid comes home from school and stalks the kitchen for a snack, and in some crazed reaction designed to steer him away from things like carrot sticks or apple slices, I beg him to eat the chocolate. Eat it. EAT IT!!
"Oh, pish posh, mother. I cannot eat this silken bunny confection for I do not wish it to ruin my already bird-like appetite! In fact, I think I shall forgo a snack altogether and instead allow the gentle hum of my roaring stomach comfort me until such time as you place a lovingly prepared plate of food before me that I will promptly mock and/or declare disdain for. In the meantime, let us box this treat up and ship it to a famine-stricken area where children will take kindly to it. Why don't you hop on that thing you call 'The Internet' and locate such a place. Until then, I shall be in the living room, watching last week's episode of WWE Friday Night Smackdown you so graciously recorded for me," he (sometimes) replies. In a proper British accent.
And so it mocks me, this little rabbit, as it lords over it's assorted minions of pastel-wrapped Hershey kisses and speckled malted milk eggs. Oh, did I mention there's still that Easter candy left in my house, too? Surely there's some type of statute of limitations on this kind of thing. If this sweet bunny was wrapped in a Dove's Promises foil, it would likely read, "For the love of God, eat me already, why don't you?!" Or maybe "Please, child, put your poor mother out of her misery and at least nibble my ears." How about "Do you know how much I cost? If you did, you'd dig in!" Better yet "Those track marks on my sweet exterior are supposed to simulate my soft, downy fur and are not, despite your protests, marks left there when your Mom decided to drag her teeth gently and randomly across me over a period of eight to 12 days, assuming you'd never figure her out."
Oh, and he'd figure me out, alright. If I didn't fear the child's wrath, I'd be tearing into that box, telling that rabbit to shuddup shuttin' up, and commence having it hop on down the bunny trail of my gullet. Instead, I will enjoy delicious snacks of carrot sticks and apple slices, perhaps the random pilfered speckled egg, enjoyed all while trying to figure out how to post an actual Wordless Wednesday post.
Wait! Before you go, allow me to totally eye tease you with what might be here Friday! The lovely ladies at The Stiletto Mom and Blissfully Caffeinated have come up with this, like, totally awesome idea to have bloggers post their prom photos on Friday, and, like, OMG, y'all!? If I can find mine, I just might join in! I figure since most of you have no idea what I look like other than that smokin' hot profile photo up there, why not post the most heinous images of myself ever captured on film to shatter your illusions of love and gag you with a spoon? As soon as I post this, I'm off to stage a covert, Jack Bauer-like reconnaissance mission at my Mom's house to see if I can put my paws (actual paws...because I'm not kidding when I say heinous) on them. I'm going on the assumption she didn't burn them like I begged her to. If I do find them, they'll be here for the world to scream and tear at their faces. If I don't, well, this post will probably still be here, because I really can't believe no one has figured out how utterly boring I really am and this is really all I've got! Additionally, based on the photos from my senior prom, you'll understand why it is I have made myself walk way from all solid chocolate bunnies and their like that have come into my life over the years.
Seriously, you'll tear your hair out, and it's possible the Internet may explode. In fact, I don't know why I didn't explode! I really don't think the Web has the capacity to contain my senior year prom photo.
In the meantime, if you want to join in on the fun (which is another word for 'terror') on Friday, post YOUR prom photos and share with all of us by linking your posts with the ladies up there. I promise not to scream and/or laugh too hard at your photos if you promise to do the same for me.
Labels: feed your head (like I did for most of 1985-86)(you'll see)(maybe)