...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

and the one that mother gives you...apparently doesn't get eaten at all

According to my crude system of charts, pulleys, and small stones, Easter was nearly five weeks ago, and yet this rat bastard remains in my pantry to mock me! What kind of person leaves a small brick of solid milk chocolate in my house?

My seven year old, gravy-hating masochist, that's who! In the immortal words of Full House's Stephanie Tanner, how rude! Every day, that kid comes home from school and stalks the kitchen for a snack, and in some crazed reaction designed to steer him away from things like carrot sticks or apple slices, I beg him to eat the chocolate. Eat it. EAT IT!!

"Oh, pish posh, mother. I cannot eat this silken bunny confection for I do not wish it to ruin my already bird-like appetite! In fact, I think I shall forgo a snack altogether and instead allow the gentle hum of my roaring stomach comfort me until such time as you place a lovingly prepared plate of food before me that I will promptly mock and/or declare disdain for. In the meantime, let us box this treat up and ship it to a famine-stricken area where children will take kindly to it. Why don't you hop on that thing you call 'The Internet' and locate such a place. Until then, I shall be in the living room, watching last week's episode of WWE Friday Night Smackdown you so graciously recorded for me," he (sometimes) replies. In a proper British accent.

And so it mocks me, this little rabbit, as it lords over it's assorted minions of pastel-wrapped Hershey kisses and speckled malted milk eggs. Oh, did I mention there's still that Easter candy left in my house, too? Surely there's some type of statute of limitations on this kind of thing. If this sweet bunny was wrapped in a Dove's Promises foil, it would likely read, "For the love of God, eat me already, why don't you?!" Or maybe "Please, child, put your poor mother out of her misery and at least nibble my ears." How about "Do you know how much I cost? If you did, you'd dig in!" Better yet "Those track marks on my sweet exterior are supposed to simulate my soft, downy fur and are not, despite your protests, marks left there when your Mom decided to drag her teeth gently and randomly across me over a period of eight to 12 days, assuming you'd never figure her out."

Oh, and he'd figure me out, alright. If I didn't fear the child's wrath, I'd be tearing into that box, telling that rabbit to shuddup shuttin' up, and commence having it hop on down the bunny trail of my gullet. Instead, I will enjoy delicious snacks of carrot sticks and apple slices, perhaps the random pilfered speckled egg, enjoyed all while trying to figure out how to post an actual Wordless Wednesday post.
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Wait! Before you go, allow me to totally eye tease you with what might be here Friday! The lovely ladies at The Stiletto Mom and Blissfully Caffeinated have come up with this, like, totally awesome idea to have bloggers post their prom photos on Friday, and, like, OMG, y'all!? If I can find mine, I just might join in! I figure since most of you have no idea what I look like other than that smokin' hot profile photo up there, why not post the most heinous images of myself ever captured on film to shatter your illusions of love and gag you with a spoon? As soon as I post this, I'm off to stage a covert, Jack Bauer-like reconnaissance mission at my Mom's house to see if I can put my paws (actual paws...because I'm not kidding when I say heinous) on them. I'm going on the assumption she didn't burn them like I begged her to. If I do find them, they'll be here for the world to scream and tear at their faces. If I don't, well, this post will probably still be here, because I really can't believe no one has figured out how utterly boring I really am and this is really all I've got! Additionally, based on the photos from my senior prom, you'll understand why it is I have made myself walk way from all solid chocolate bunnies and their like that have come into my life over the years.
Seriously, you'll tear your hair out, and it's possible the Internet may explode. In fact, I don't know why I didn't explode! I really don't think the Web has the capacity to contain my senior year prom photo.
In the meantime, if you want to join in on the fun (which is another word for 'terror') on Friday, post YOUR prom photos and share with all of us by linking your posts with the ladies up there. I promise not to scream and/or laugh too hard at your photos if you promise to do the same for me.

Labels:

34 Comments:

Blogger Logical Libby said...

We have a rule in our house -- if it isn't eaten within a week -- it's free game. Any child that comes in has to sign a contract acknowledging that fact.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:14:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Maybe if you carefully opened the box, removed the rabbit from the wrapper then put the wrapper BACK in the box the kid will never notice.

Also, I'll have to wrangle up some prom photos. Unfortunately...or maybe fortunately, my prom wasn't long enough ago to cause gales of laughter at my fashion choices...just long enough that when I look at the pictures I'm shocked at how young I was and how thin. And of course I thought I was fat at the time. Oh, to be 18 again!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

I love your Wordless Wednesdays best of all.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

that you still have ANY easter candy in your house is astonishing in the extreme. that you have several varieties is simply beyond my comprehension. the statute of limitations has indeed passed and you are free to gorge.

and ya know, i was planning to do prom pics tomorrow....terrifying

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:25:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

It's funny you should ask, because after I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the prom I went to that wasn't actually my prom... I realized that I have absolutely no memory of my own senior prom. None. I know I went, I know who my date was... and I can't remember a damned thing about it.

I'm wondering if something traumatic happened, and my lack of recollection is a defense mechanism. In light of which: I'm not sure I want to find a photo and bring it all flooding back into my mind.

(p.s. I didn't realize you had a son named Percy. Congrats on that.)

(p.p.s. You suck at the whole "wordless" thing. Monumental suck.)

(p.p.p.s. It's time the Dove rabbit fell prey to the largest & most common predator in the house. It's just a matter of survival of the fittest: the bunny needs to be eliminated from the food chain.)

(p.p.p.p.s. I'm now out of postscripts.)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

You start with the ears. And then, once the rabbit has been definitively de-flowered, the perverse thrill of leaving it in its 'pristine' state will be gone. . .

I think, by way of 'statutes of limitations', that Pentecost is the official end of the Easter season, and thus of any special designation for 'Easter candy'. After that, it's just chocolate, and to be treated accordingly. . .

But I'm confused - that bunny looks like white chocolate; you called it milk chocolate; but the label on the package says 'dark'. . .

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That bunny would not have lasted a DAY in my house. My husband thinks since he brings home the bacon that he has free reign over any candy unaccounted for. My kids hate him.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

There's a standing rule in my house with certain food items. If you haven't touched it in three weeks, consider it gone. As in, gone the way of Little Debbie snacks. As in, in my belly.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:20:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

You need to melt that sucker down and have a fun night with the Tool Man...just say'n.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Is this Rhino we're talking about here? I need to have a word with that kid. In the meantime, EAT THAT BUNNY. That thing wouldn't have lasted through Easter breakfast at my house. If the kids had ignored it me and the hubs would have torn it up.

And I cannot tell you how my heart is singing at the thought of seeing your prom pictures! It's so on.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

A "Full House" quote, uneaten holiday chocolate, AND the promise of prom photos? This is either the best thing to ever happen to the internet or a sure sign of End Times.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

If it were up to me, that chocolate bunny would sit there forever. My kids would never allow that, though, as they love chocolate. Give me french fries and nachos!

Can't wait to see the prom picture. I have mine, but I don't have a scanner. Bummer.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Oh I will be back for the evil prom picture!

As for the bunny, I'd say his shelf lease was up- time to eat 'im up.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. A child that won't eat up his chocolate must be a real worry to you. I think you should definitely eat it to show him the error of his ways. He won't leave it so long next year.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

I second, third, fourth, whatever on the Bunny. It is now mommy fodder. Quickly drop the carrot sticks and eat the bunny. Tell the kid you put it in the freezer so it wouldn't go bad. If you feel bad about lying to him stick one of the ears in there.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Girl, you have the willpower of Superman. I would not be able to resist that bunny. He woulda been lunch sometime last week!

I can't wait for the prom photos!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 12:54:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I have that exact same bunny hidden in my closet.

Long story. LONG story.

Perhaps I will send it to you.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 12:55:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I would totally take it out of the box, and then randomly place it around the house, in places where your son might look and find it. Maybe even place a post it note with the words "eat me" printed on it. If you don't mess with them now, they'll grow up and be "normal".

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 1:02:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Yeah, we *also* have a Easter bunny that hasn't been touched in our fridge, so the other day I asked my wife if I could just *hide* it for next year.

I don't like hollow bunnies.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I'm glad you mentioned the thing about posting a picture of your senior prom because I didn't go to mine. Now I'm going to sit in a corner and relive old wounds.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 1:38:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

We still have two unopened rabbits- or at least we did until last night when my son finally opened one of them. I almost did a little bow of worship to the boy for removing that little bit of temptation from the house. But there's another one, and I can tell you that I understand exactly where you're coming from.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And I've already told you about my prom, so you wouldn't be surprised if I told you that whatever photos there might have been (and I'm not at all sure there were any), haven't survived to the present day. . .

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 2:18:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I, too, just tossed out the still wrapped white chocolate bunny I -- no, no, THE EASTER BUNNY -- got her. Are you my Bizarro Uncool?

I'd post a prom pic but that means dealing with going thru photos at my parents house and once again hearing from my mom about how I allegedly messed up all the photo albums years ago. Damn me!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 3:16:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

I would have torn through the malted eggs first. Those are like crack for me.

I have a large, hollow, definitely not Dove chocolate bunny in my cupboard. It's actually mine. But I know it's crappy chocolate so I'm kind of leaving it until I have some serious PMS.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 3:47:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Merciful God there are no prom photos of me that I know about although Facebook could one day ruin that for me

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 5:22:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Hmm, prom pictures, I may just join in!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Prom photos? Prom photos!

Ohmigod thankgod they are safely hidden in my parents' home many thousands of miles away. I might humiliate myself somewhat on the internet, but even I have limits.

:)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 6:05:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I got TWO "Reester" bunnies (PB and chocolate, mmm) for Easter. And no, I didn't share them. Okay, my wife may have eaten an ear.

Prom pictures, eh? I totally rocked the cummerbund. Except the prom I went to in flannel shorts. I wonder if I have any pictures of that.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 7:44:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Anything not consumed within 48 hours of the holiday is declared community property, and, as such, is fair game for any and all eaters. It's in the fine print.

Oh, and I don't promise not to laugh at your prom photos. Nosirree. I can't wait.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Looking good, FADKOG. BTW, does your eldest often talk in immaculate Britspeak?

Thursday, May 14, 2009 4:42:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Lucky for all of you my prom pictures are in South Carolina and are a full ocean away. So no prom pictures from me.

Oh and I have a 2 week eating allowance on holiday candy. If it isn't gone in 2 weeks it either goes in the trash or to work with daddy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009 4:43:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

We always say the Stephanie Tanner "how rude" comment around here!

Middle Child has an annoying carrot shaped bag of Reese pieces that she refuses to finish. I'm eating one per day to see if she notices.

I never went to prom :(

Thursday, May 14, 2009 6:08:00 AM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

That bunny would have lost his head weeks ago, and I would have blamed it on the heat in the kitchen..........melted it off.

Couldn't even guess where my prom pictures are.....But they would be hysterical.....going back to those ancient times! (Can we say 'angel curls')

Thursday, May 14, 2009 7:21:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Logical Libby - I seriously think this kid of mine has forgotten he even has it!

Meg - With another week of single parenthood upon me, there's a good chance the bunny may meet it's demise soon!

Betsey - The words! Oh, all the words!!

lime - I've been sneaking Hershy Kisses for some time now, but seriously, I swear these kids didn't come from me!

TwoBusy - Percy has taken to speaking with a British accent lately, too. 'Tis delightful! Last year, this same kid never ate a crappy hollow chocolate bunny. I found it in the pantry in August.

Des - It looks like white chocolate from the foil wrapping, and now that I realize it's dark chocolate, well, damn, I may have to get all over that!

Petra - Sadly, and oddly, my husband also shuns the candy around here. Seriously, the boys in this house are trying to kill me!

Badass Geek - That rule probably applies here when the boys come around asking for ice cream. Just because we had some yesterday doesn't mean we're going to have it today!

Bogart - Spoken like a true newlywed!

blissfully - Rhino is one odd little dude. You'd think I'd have realized that when he started calling himself Rhino!

legallyblondemel - Based on the reality that were my prom photos, I'd definitely suggest dropping to your knees and praying, for End Days are coming!

Under The Influence - It's amazing the kid doesn't go for that bunny, really, when you consider he's always grabbing cereal kept right next to it ever dang day.

Shannon - I still have that old prom dress, which may be part of the reason I don't go for that bunny...yet... :)

Brian - I should make a ransom note and sent it to that odd kid of mine to see if that spurs him to eating action.

Michele - I know as soon as I toss that thing, the kid will get a hankering for chocolate rabbit, so I need to decide if I'm up for the traumatic realization it's gone!

Kathy - Ha! Willpower. I'll just keep my mouth shut about the ice cream that barely made it home from the grocery store last week...

Aunt Becky - Must be a really long story if it's still in your closet! I say we save our bunnies for next Easter!

Heather - Maybe tonight, when he's just falling asleep, I'll creep in his room and hold it in front of his face!

papa - Hollow bunnies are a crime against Easter confections. Go solid or go home, yo!

Heather - There's a big part of me that wishes I never saw my senior prom photos again. Sigh...

Chasity - What is it with boys and their strong resolve!? It's like we failed to pass off our DNA to them!

Des - I'm wishing things that serve as evidence of my senior prom didn't exist!

Always Home - I'm absolutely your Bizarro Uncool if that's what you want me to be! And photos...sigh...My mom's basement is littered with photo boxes. I was terrified to touch them while attempting to find my photos for fear I'd screw something up and I DO NOT need that guilt!

Dana - I had to toss out the same kid's unopened crappy hollow chocolate bunny in August. No doubt that stuff is nasty if even I, too, avoided it during the worst of times!

bernthis - I pray to the Lord above there will never ever be any other prom photos of me ever put on the Internet!

Tuesday Girl - Finding mine was a scary walk through time!

Mandy - I was cursed to participate by my Mom living only two minutes away and her rabid attention to photo filing by year. Sigh...

ftn - Reester eggs?! Reester eggs?! Sweet heaven. I'd have thrown my body over those and definitely not even shared an ear!

Mary Ellen - I should probably put one more week on that bunny or it buys the farm!

Chris - He's taken to using a British accent. It's quite adorable, really!

Kat - There's been some Halloween candy that's hovered over the trash can, but gah, it kills me...

Cocotte - The Reece's Pieces would have bought the farm in my belly within the hour! Your plan is a good one!

zelzee - Melted! I may be using that idea very soon!

Sunday, May 17, 2009 5:18:00 PM  

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