i'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
A couple of weeks ago, I was struck with an overwhelming desire to do something insanely wonderful for my sons. Lacking the key ingredients to bake them their favorite cookies or the assorted tubes of glitter to concoct some magical craft (which? hallelujah!), I spied a coupon for one free Redbox movie rental set to expire on that particular day.
"I know! I'll rent them Beverly Hills Chihuahua!" I thought. "They'll love it, but they'll love ME more!"
Delighted with my plan, I turned to the Internet, where I shared my plan with the world on my Twitter. Instantly, response flooded in.
"You know how Marley and Me makes you want to get a puppy? Beverly Hills Chihuahua will make you want to run them over with your car."
"I will nominate you for sainthood...guaranteed! :0)"
"THAT is one of the WORST movies ever made (but better than Observe & Report) they don't even do the CHIHUAHUA dance - gah!"
"I'll bring the Kleenex, because you will need it. :0) I'm told for the grownups, wine makes it hella funnier..."
"It's been a pleasure tweeting with you and I promise I'll visit when you're in the loony bin. I'm going to miss you! *weeps*"
"Are you fuckin' crazy!? WHY would you even consider that!? Forget hugs, I'm bringing you a straight jacket. *snicker*"
"Don't DO IT! That movie is AWFUL. Unless you have 10 year old boys, they will find it hilarious."
Well, not only is the Internet ripe with free porn, it's a magical world full of raging passions and diverse opinions, too, and frankly, most of the opinions (and some of the free porn) being shared with me was a little terrifying! People seem to really hate talking chihuahuas! However, that last comment really was the kicker. Although I don't have 10 year old boys, I do have boys who find talking animals (and farts, which dooms me if Disney one day releases a heartwarming tale of flatulence and family)(in 3D!) hilarious and so, armed with my coupon for a free $1 movie rental, off I went for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Dear heaven! People in the Internet do not lie! Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Ninety-one minutes of dreadful! Oh, sure it was free, but it was hella bad and hella bad comes with a price. Jamie Lee Curtis owes me a lifetime supply of Activia and an apology. The boys? They loved it! Tool Man? Let's just say that I thought our marriage was doomed after he watched Twilight, but when he laughed MORE THAN ONCE during BHC, I'm almost certain we should start looking at weekend visitation schedules.
Around 8:50 p.m., the following day, I realized no one had returned this dog of a dog movie back to a Redbox, and, not wanting to incur the $1 late fee that would kick in at 9 p.m., on my free $1 movie rental, I jumped in the mini and dashed across the highway to the McDonald's where our trusty Redbox is located, only to find the machine down for service. With the hour looming, I knew my only other option was a location 7 miles away, but I figured if CGI dogs can talk, I could make it there with the 5 minutes I had before the witching hour struck.
Within two minutes of my destination, I was halted by a red light while preparing to make a right-hand turn. With no traffic coming from any direction and my brake lights beaming, I observed all safety precautions before completing my turn and continuing on. I reached the grocery store I needed with seconds to spare, jumped out of the mini, ran inside and located the Redbox machine. Just as the minute hand on my watch struck 9 p.m., I got the movie returned! Booyah! Take that, George Lopez! I shall give you no money! Just as you freed your chihuahua princess from peril, I remained free of any and all costs associated with your movie!
I returned home, smug and safe, to share how I had utterly Wonder Woman'ed it in record time assuring that freedom - and the free movie - would indeed still reign. Then my family embraced me and the boys deemed me the Best Mom In The World Infinity Amen. Awww! Pretty!
(Here's where I might write something like "....and they all lived happily ever after" or "...and this explains why my kids will never have a real dog" or some such nonsense, and maybe you all would commend me on what a good and fiscally responsible mother I am and I would soak up those accolades and, of course, add my voice to the chorus of those who denounce talking dogs who go on madcap capers when some other poor (but free!) mom spoke up and inquired about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but that would probably be really boring, so, let allow me to continue)
Yesterday, I ventured out to the mailbox to collect my assorted pieces of junk and random bills. At the bottom of the stack was an envelope bearing the official address of the city nearest me. The city I passed through during my rapid-fire quest to beat Redbox's 9 p.m., deadline, thus assuring my free movie would remain as such. The city with the stoplight cameras that apparently flashed on me and my mini while I was preparing to turn right on red. THE CITY THAT SENT ME A TRAFFIC TICKET FOR $75 FOR RUNNING A RED LIGHT!!!!!
(pardon me. I think I just went totally dooce-like with that last sentence.)
Do you get what that means? My free movie, the one that for 91 minutes made me a hero in the eyes of my children, the one I sat through without stabbing someone, the one that - let me say this again - WAS FREE!! - is going to end up costing me $75!!* Oh, don't think I haven't thought of fighting it because seriously, my brake lights are glowing as red as a demon's eyes in the photos - suitable for framing - that the authorities sent along with the ticket, but if I lose that battle, I end up with a $150 fee for my (not so much anymore, eh, hot shot?) free movie and I'm just not willing to forgo my family's groceries on such a principle.
I'm also quite possible that I'll never do anything nice for my kids ever again**, and also, Internet, I apologize. I will never not listen to you ever again, either. I know that you, with your strong opinions and massive collection of assorted boob photos, always have my back.
And if you also have a few bucks you'd want to chip in because you feel bad for me, I'd be cool with that, too.
*Additional tidbits of funny? This is my first ever traffic ticket! You don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? I do not get traffic tickets!
**Totally not true - I made them cookies yesterday, and if, indeed, there ever is a movie made about talking farts, we'll be there on opening day.