...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

i'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

A couple of weeks ago, I was struck with an overwhelming desire to do something insanely wonderful for my sons. Lacking the key ingredients to bake them their favorite cookies or the assorted tubes of glitter to concoct some magical craft (which? hallelujah!), I spied a coupon for one free Redbox movie rental set to expire on that particular day.

"I know! I'll rent them
Beverly Hills Chihuahua!" I thought. "They'll love it, but they'll love ME more!"

Delighted with my plan, I turned to the Internet, where I shared my plan with the world
on my Twitter. Instantly, response flooded in.

"You know how Marley and Me makes you want to get a puppy? Beverly Hills Chihuahua will make you want to run them over with your car."

"I will nominate you for sainthood...guaranteed! :0)"

"THAT is one of the WORST movies ever made (but better than Observe & Report) they don't even do the CHIHUAHUA dance - gah!"

"I'll bring the Kleenex, because you will need it. :0) I'm told for the grownups, wine makes it hella funnier..."

"It's been a pleasure tweeting with you and I promise I'll visit when you're in the loony bin. I'm going to miss you! *weeps*"

"Are you fuckin' crazy!? WHY would you even consider that!? Forget hugs, I'm bringing you a straight jacket. *snicker*"

"Don't DO IT! That movie is AWFUL. Unless you have 10 year old boys, they will find it hilarious."

Well, not only is the Internet ripe with free porn, it's a magical world full of raging passions and diverse opinions, too, and frankly, most of the opinions (and some of the free porn) being shared with me was a little terrifying! People seem to really hate talking chihuahuas! However, that last comment really was the kicker. Although I don't have 10 year old boys, I do have boys who find talking animals (and farts, which dooms me if Disney one day releases a heartwarming tale of flatulence and family)(in 3D!) hilarious and so, armed with my coupon for a free $1 movie rental, off I went for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Dear heaven! People in the Internet do not lie! Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Ninety-one minutes of dreadful! Oh, sure it was free, but it was hella bad and hella bad comes with a price. Jamie Lee Curtis owes me a lifetime supply of Activia and an apology. The boys? They loved it! Tool Man? Let's just say that I thought our marriage was doomed after he watched Twilight, but when he laughed MORE THAN ONCE during BHC, I'm almost certain we should start looking at weekend visitation schedules.

Around 8:50 p.m., the following day, I realized no one had returned this dog of a dog movie back to a Redbox, and, not wanting to incur the $1 late fee that would kick in at 9 p.m., on my free $1 movie rental, I jumped in the mini and dashed across the highway to the McDonald's where our trusty Redbox is located, only to find the machine down for service. With the hour looming, I knew my only other option was a location 7 miles away, but I figured if CGI dogs can talk, I could make it there with the 5 minutes I had before the witching hour struck.

Within two minutes of my destination, I was halted by a red light while preparing to make a right-hand turn. With no traffic coming from any direction and my brake lights beaming, I observed all safety precautions before completing my turn and continuing on. I reached the grocery store I needed with seconds to spare, jumped out of the mini, ran inside and located the Redbox machine. Just as the minute hand on my watch struck 9 p.m., I got the movie returned! Booyah! Take that, George Lopez! I shall give you no money! Just as you freed your chihuahua princess from peril, I remained free of any and all costs associated with your movie!

I returned home, smug and safe, to share how I had utterly Wonder Woman'ed it in record time assuring that freedom - and the free movie - would indeed still reign. Then my family embraced me and the boys deemed me the Best Mom In The World Infinity Amen. Awww! Pretty!

(Here's where I might write something like "....and they all lived happily ever after" or "...and this explains why my kids will never have a real dog" or some such nonsense, and maybe you all would commend me on what a good and fiscally responsible mother I am and I would soak up those accolades and, of course, add my voice to the chorus of those who denounce talking dogs who go on madcap capers when some other poor (but free!) mom spoke up and inquired about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, but that would probably be really boring, so, let allow me to continue)

Yesterday, I ventured out to the mailbox to collect my assorted pieces of junk and random bills. At the bottom of the stack was an envelope bearing the official address of the city nearest me. The city I passed through during my rapid-fire quest to beat Redbox's 9 p.m., deadline, thus assuring my free movie would remain as such. The city with the stoplight cameras that apparently flashed on me and my mini while I was preparing to turn right on red. THE CITY THAT SENT ME A TRAFFIC TICKET FOR $75 FOR RUNNING A RED LIGHT!!!!!

(pardon me. I think I just went totally dooce-like with that last sentence.)

Do you get what that means? My free movie, the one that for 91 minutes made me a hero in the eyes of my children, the one I sat through without stabbing someone, the one that - let me say this again - WAS FREE!! - is going to end up costing me $75!!* Oh, don't think I haven't thought of fighting it because seriously, my brake lights are glowing as red as a demon's eyes in the photos - suitable for framing - that the authorities sent along with the ticket, but if I lose that battle, I end up with a $150 fee for my (not so much anymore, eh, hot shot?) free movie and I'm just not willing to forgo my family's groceries on such a principle.

I'm also quite possible that I'll never do anything nice for my kids ever again**, and also, Internet, I apologize. I will never not listen to you ever again, either. I know that you, with your strong opinions and massive collection of assorted boob photos, always have my back.

And if you also have a few bucks you'd want to chip in because you feel bad for me, I'd be cool with that, too.

*Additional tidbits of funny? This is my first ever traffic ticket! You don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? I do not get traffic tickets!

**Totally not true - I made them cookies yesterday, and if, indeed, there ever is a movie made about talking farts, we'll be there on opening day.

Labels:

50 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

Oh I'm so sorry that happened to you! I thought the movie was cute, btw. Just not worth watching more than once. And not worth a ticket either. =(

Sunday, May 03, 2009 6:57:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

Well, at least traffic school will be more amusing than that movie.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'd fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if I were you. I'm sure that you can explain to the lawyers and judges that it was an emergency, that you had to get shot of that film, and if they don't want to take your word for it you'll submit it as Exhibit A and make them sit through it. That should guarantee an immediate acquittal.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

You were nailed by the automated cops returning a "movie" to the automated video store? If this isn't a sign of the cyborg uprising, what is?

When I first saw the promo for that movie last summer I seriously thought it was a spoof. Guess not.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:24:00 PM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I would definitely rent it for my grandkids.............only if they begged, pleaded, made promises, cried, or went into severe depression.

But then again, I have rented movies of this caliber for them before, and they loved them!!!
I dozed off.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:34:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

oh crap on a a cracker, now that really stinks.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:50:00 PM  
Anonymous sam {temptingmama} said...

I think that straight jacket comment was mine. Man, I sound like a huge bitch. LOL

And serves you right. Bwahahahaha that's what you get for not listening.

I kid. I kid.

But, motherbumper just about made me spit water all over my laptop.

Thanks for reminding me I have a movie to return. *sigh* Off I go.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 7:52:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

Ouch. That's one crappy movie rental with a punch.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 8:43:00 PM  
Blogger globaltoll said...

LOL. Thanks for making my day. My husband and I were forced to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua while on vacation with our 4 year old. It was pouring rain and it was the only thing we could do with her -- we couldn't play Pretty Pretty Princess one more time!

Sunday, May 03, 2009 8:47:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

That's awful!

I'd say there's at least one Big-Brotherly traffic camera in Iowa that's in serious need of a laser strike. . .

Sunday, May 03, 2009 9:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Sam said...

I'm not going to say "I told you so". At least you didn't pay to see it in the theater. Ahem.
Have your kids hit you up to watch Witless Protection Program yet? Don't do it. Trust me.
PS You're way cooler than Dooce.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 10:18:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hmmm. My kids were given this movie as a gift (oh about 2 months ago) and it occurs to me that we have not even opened it yet. Now I am hesitant. Perhaps I should leave it in the wrapper and 30 years from now collectors will want to buy it "new in package." It will be worth a small fortune I'm sure.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger musingwoman said...

It's times like this I'm glad all my kids are over 18.

Monday, May 04, 2009 5:45:00 AM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

LMAO - no good deed goes unpunished!

And now I know you read my tweets!

(just kidding - you know I love you!)

Monday, May 04, 2009 6:00:00 AM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

Hmmm ... that's an awful lot of exclamations in my last comment. I'm usually not that cheery on a rainy Monday morning.

Hope I didn't scare you.

Monday, May 04, 2009 6:02:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'm still up here in Iowa but can only lend you moral support. I gots no cash for your ticket fund.

Monday, May 04, 2009 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

I swear I am not laughing at you. Seriously.

Monday, May 04, 2009 7:41:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

You commit a crime against nature by renting Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Nature strikes back via stoplight camera.

And thus, balance is restored to the universe.

Monday, May 04, 2009 7:47:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

I think I see a pattern forming.

Go to McDonald's for a tasty Poopypuck....get a blood spattered wrapper for your Trouble.

Go to McDonald's for a free Redbox movie....Traffic Violation.

If you were a dude, I'd tell you to let me know when you were going to McDonald's again, and I could just kick you in the Balls a couple of times and we'd call it flush.

The moral?

McDonald's is Evil.

Monday, May 04, 2009 8:29:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Dude. DUDE. You have to fight that ticket. Really. Worth your while a good % of the time to show up & give it a try.

I give you this advice even though you got the "don't drink, don't smoke" song stuck in my head; not a bad way to start Monday morning, actually, but still.

Monday, May 04, 2009 8:41:00 AM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

Before I got to the end of the story, I was going to tell you what a nutjob you are for doing all of that to save a buck, but now I think I'll just move along so you don't kill me.

Monday, May 04, 2009 9:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Damn Big Brother! I would fight it and say you believe the damn red light is malfunctioning.

Was this close to taking my niece to see that but she went with her Nana instead. Phew!

Monday, May 04, 2009 9:29:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

This just proves that talking Chihuahuas are all part of Satan's plan.

Monday, May 04, 2009 11:05:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

No WAY!!!!!! that damn Murphy is up to no good again!

Monday, May 04, 2009 11:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Pam said...

That's what you get for breaking two of the immutable laws of movies:
Avoid anything with the words "Beverly Hills" in the title.
Avoid anything with the word "chihuahua" in the title.
What were you thinking?

Monday, May 04, 2009 11:41:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

This is what you get for trying to do something nice -- bad movies and a speeding ticket. Next time just lock your kids in a closet and see what happens! Jewels... caviar... the lottery ;)

Monday, May 04, 2009 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

My kids are in their late teens so I pretty much get by without watching animals that talk movies.

Thank you, baby Jesus.

I would totally fight that ticket though!

Monday, May 04, 2009 12:02:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I wish you lived in NC so I could advise you on ways to get out of traffic violations. I'm not proud of my rebellious youth, but I know my way around a traffic court.

You're a good person, FADKOG. If not for your clean record, for your willingness to entertain your family with bad movies about rat dogs. Seriously, chihuahuas are an accident of nature that should not be perpetuated. Yes, I was bitten by one when I was small, but still...

Monday, May 04, 2009 12:14:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

hold the phone. someone out there thinks that Marley and Me makes you want to get a puppy? WHAT? that movie was such a travesty. it would NEVER make me want to get a dog. my god, it made me want to cry my ever-loving head off. just saying. heh.

Monday, May 04, 2009 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

and they say there is nothing as powerful as a mother's love...

jeez.

Monday, May 04, 2009 2:34:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I love you...just....

bwahahahahah!

Totally something that would happen to me.

Next time, trust the Internet.

Monday, May 04, 2009 4:50:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Good to know. I have not heard of that one - but I will definitely steer clear. I have gotten surprise speeding tickets like that. I can't decide which is worse - suffering the indignity of being pulled over or the outrage of getting a ticket in the mail.

Monday, May 04, 2009 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

91 bucks for a shitty movie. Painful but thanks for the heads up. I have not seen it nor will I ever.

Monday, May 04, 2009 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

No good deed ever goes unpunished.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 4:55:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

You don't drink or smoke? I'm off!

No seriously, that stinks. Fight them all the way.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 5:46:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Subtle innuendos follow. (I always sing that as "suckle innuendos". No lie.)

I didn't think there could be anything suckier than that movie but a ticket would do it. Actually, I haven't even seen that movie but I know it sucks. I was going to make Chance's grandma take him. She would find that movie hilarious. But then she's also probably take her chihuahua with her.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

This post was made all the more better with the Styx tag at the end.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 2:13:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

My comment from yesterday disappeared!

I said something about how people around here flash the big brother cameras. That's how we roll in the big city.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 4:22:00 PM  
Blogger Reinvent Dad said...

Oh heck, I could name a ton of kids movies that I've had to sit through way suckier than BHC! Sorry about the ticket...seems like traffic cameras are the new reality.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 4:38:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You are a good mama! Matt and I were talking the other day about kids and realized that we'd be subjected to movies we REALLY won't want to see. I don't know what he was thinking when the morose silence hit, but I was wondering whether movie theatres allowed books and very discreet flashlights.

So sorry you got burned by the po-po. Might be worth fighting!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 6:11:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahahahahahahaha, I totally just finished watching that movie with my daughter about an hour ago. Another reason I wanted to put a bullet in my head today. Nuff said.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 8:04:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I knew you'd pay one way or another for watching that movie.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009 7:28:00 AM  
Blogger Margarita said...

I'm sorry that happened to you - but it's hilarious all at the same time!! Fight it!!!
http://fab.typepad.com/brunette
ps. at least you don't have a three year old who wants to watch the "wawa movie" repeatedly for 3 days in a row. ARGH.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

They just put tons of these things up on my street I'm sure they are coming my way! Great.

I have just been checking out new blogs. I'm on a mission to leave 1000 comment for the month! :)

Stop by sometimes please :) Please let me know if you have any questions. I'm just a mom of 2 little boys.. helping other moms grab freebies, deals, and save money :) If you subscribe please let me know.. I would love to return the favor!

Tiffany

Wednesday, May 06, 2009 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger T. said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Thursday, May 07, 2009 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger T. said...

Why do you have to pay extra if you fight the ticket? That seems REALLY unfair. I would fight it, on principle.

Also, farts are good, my 10 yr old son looooves these:
Jurassic Fart
Belgian Farting Pig
Don't say I never gave you anything.

T.

Thursday, May 07, 2009 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Damn!
I knew you were including the part about the red light for a reason. But, $75? Aghh!
So, what kind of town do you live in that generates revenue by first charging you money for turning right, AFTER STOPPING, and then doubles the fine if you fight it?
So not fair!

Friday, May 08, 2009 1:28:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I had the unusual experience of going to two movies in close proximity. (Since kids I average 2 movies in theaters per year. Maybe.)

Anyway, both times I was subject to a preview of BHC. That, in and of itself was enough to scar me for life. I figured the theater owed me just for making me sit through that crap. Twice. Did I mention twice?

Friday, May 08, 2009 11:22:00 PM  
Blogger Kellie said...

I found your blog by accident googling (is that a word yet?) Marley and me from Redbox and I'm glad I did! You are a talented writer. Not everyone can tell a story. Thanks for brightening my rainy day! And if it's not too late and right on red was allowed at that corner, you should definitely fight the ticket. I've heard that legally they can't make it stick. Just showing up might save you $75 bucks.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 8:37:00 PM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...

I bet you could raise the money if you auctioned off a date. Or a picture of your boobs.

:)

Also, that is ridiculous and hilarious and unfortunate allll at the same time.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 9:40:00 PM  

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