...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

tuesday, bloody, tuesday

As you might imagine, waking up an hour before your alarm is set to go off after less than five hours sleep is a pretty damn fine way to start your day. The only downside of the experience is struggling to fall back to sleep NOW! so you can resume the kick ass dream you were having where you and Zac Efron were the only two people presumed alive on a space colony, and if you think I'm kidding when I say this dream was, indeed, kick ass, then you are so, so, so terribly wrong.

Dig if you will the picture of my dream - Me, rocking the standard post-apocalyptic uniform of well-fitted olive green cargo pants, boots with a million and six buckles, a sheen of sweat to indicate a sexy cocktail of fear, focus and fantasticness (now a word), and a precisely sullied white tank Tshirt to show off my guns (both forearm and firearm). Think Ellen Ripley from the Alien movies (but with better hair) or Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 (but, again, with better hair)(but don't think of Michael Biehn, who costarred with both my dream alter-egos in both Aliens and Terminator). In a non-parenthetical word, I was a bad ass in my dream. Then there's Zac. He may be wearing a leather jacket of some sort. He may not have a shirt on underneath that jacket. I'm not sure, dude, because remember, we're trying to save the world from unseen evil forces. All I do know is he's got those nice little abdominal cuts that I don't know the name of but I like to call them "Hell, yes!", and he may be going on about how we need to save the world and I'm all, "I know, Zac, I'm checking our ammunition supplies!" and he's all, "No. What I mean is we need to repopulate the world. You and me. Now." Then maybe I mumble something about how I'm (finger quotes) "...old enough to be your mom if I got drunk at the Sig Ep party," (finger quotes) but he gently places his index finger across my lips to hush me, which is further indicated when he says, "Shhh. Do you feel that? That's my ammunition supplies..." Then maybe he kisses me. Whatever. Because I woke up then. More than an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off after less than five hours of sleep.

Ahem...

Anyway...

(p.s. Zac Efron is totally legal)

Where was I? Oh, yes. Tuesday was shaping up to be a good day! My dream, coupled with hearing Love and Rockets singing about how my strut makes them crazy (interesting sidebar - Zac may have said the same thing to me in my dream. Coincidence? I think not) playing on the sound system at the bookstore (which, if you have been into a B&N of late, you know is a vast - and quite shocking - switch from our normal overhead music) had me grinning from ear to ear even after the onslaught of kids and parents completely bee swarmed the children's department and, I'm not kidding you, DESTROYED IT!!!

Nothing could dampen the magic of Tuesday, my friends. Not when I had a mythical 30 percent coupon for Kohl's (trust me, those babies are like unicorns. We want to believe they exist, but until we actually see one in person, they're just a fairy tale we pass down from generation to generation) in my purse and a plan to buy some super sexy shoes (10 wide, baby. You know what they say about a chick with big feet...). Not getting excited when the radio DJ teased me by saying he was going to play Cheap Trick's I Want You To Want Me, and then busting out with the ALBUM version of it (which? what? I didn't even know there WAS an album version of this song!) instead of the Live at Budokan version and OMG, the album version sucks ass! I feel like I should be doing a can-can dance in an old time Western bar listening to that. Blech. Blech. Blech. I'd love you to love me and listen to both versions and then just try and defy me. Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying after hearing that album cut? Yes. Yes, I did.

Back to my perfect day....

Finally, around 2:30 p.m., it struck me that I was hella starving, and while my mind was telling me to head on home and continuing my fantastic day by fixing a delicious peanut butter sandwich (for you, Dave Ramsey. I do it for you...), I somehow found my mini rolling up to the drive-through at my local McDonald's. As I often do when I visit this particular McDonald's, I felt a little dread creeping into my system. You would, too, if you recall the 'Dreaded Furburger Incident of Ought Eight,' but the sun was shining, good moods were to be had, and I went with the flow.

My cheeseburger Happy Meal securely in hand, I rushed home, whistling a happy tune that wasn't the album cut of I Want You To Want Me, and skipped inside to have my late lunch. In a move I now find inexplicable, I decided against my usual routine of putting my (cough) delicious (double cough) meal on a real plate (because I'm a fancy pants)(with big feet), and instead plopped my paper-wrapped treat down at the kitchen table and I proceeded to begin reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (and yes, you want to read it)(want to borrow my copy?) while dining. At the start of a new chapter, I put half my sandwich down for a moment, flipped my page, looked down at my lunch, and I screamed the scream of one who would be facing a zombie attack. Why, you ask? Well, dig if you will THIS picture:


See those dark red splotches on the right side of the wrapper? Yeah. THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE DRIED BLOOD????? That shit (oh, it was NOT shit, btw) was splattered all over my damn cheeseburger wrapper!!! It doesn't take a CSI team to overlook the obvious pool of ketchup to the left and deduce, "Yep, what we have here appears to be the spilled hemoglobin of either a human or an animal. What we're going to have to do is take some samples back to the lab and determine the donor-slash-victim, but it does certainly appear that we're dealing with blood," and it wouldn't be hard to provide them with their samples, because ladies and gentleman, that shit (again, NOT actually shit, but blood)(though I also tried to talk myself into believing it was ink, but no, it is not ink)(also? not salsa) WAS, LET ME REPEAT, SPLATTERED AND DRIED ALL OVER MY CHEESEBURGER WRAPPER!!!! I could flake that stuff off, reconstitute it with a little water, and recreate a horrific crime scene, and if my camera was better, I would break it down for you like Dexter and map out the spatter pattern for you

In an instant, my fantastic day was massacred, and honestly, hours later, I'm still nauseous. Who deserves a break today, McDonald's? Oh, you and I do. You and I are totally breaking up as a result of this. I will miss your Southwest grilled chicken salads, but at this rate, lord knows what kind of hell could be looming for me among the lettuce leaves? I think it's just best we call it a day, McDonald's. You can keep all your Happy Meal toys, just give me back the $2.75 I spent on my ruined lunch. Don't make Zac and I come gunning from you, McDonald's, because seriously, I think there's been enough bloodshed already.

p.s. - I just realized I've written back-to-back posts about fast food hamburgers, as if I've some sort of bizarre love affair with them or creepy obsession. I assure you that isn't the case. I'm obsessed about you. I don't know what color your eyes are, baby, but your hair is long and brown. Kind of like hamburger patties. Did I say I was dreaming about Zac Efron? I lied. I was dreaming about you. Is it late? I'm so tired...

Labels:

54 Comments:

Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Aghhhh! That's awful!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Can't believe I'm the first person to comment!

Oh, and your story totally beats my Mom's with the worm in the fish sandwich.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 10:59:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Of course, not only is it nauseating to imagine where the blood came from and who it belonged to, but what the circumstances were that got it there in the first place.

Ack!


Let's hope Zac come's back to finish you off (in a good way) tonight.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 11:09:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

ewwwwwww.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 11:44:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I cannot believe a book like that exists....that's just wrong to us Austen purists.

And the burger? That is just SICK! Did you return it and speak to a (big finger quotes here) "Manager?"

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 5:54:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

ughhhh.

The dream, sounds like you need to get back into it.

The burger? Well, all I'll say is that it's been 8 years since I've eaten *anything* from McDonalds- and I have absolutely no intention of giving them another chance.

Even less now.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 6:30:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

Thank you for helping out a girl on a diet. I'm pretty sure you've cured any craving I might have for fast food in the near future.

I've always wondered how many drinks I've gotten that have been spit in.

yuk.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 6:35:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

G-R-O-S-S!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 6:40:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Just gotta say that your description of post-apocalypse FADKOG is one of my favorite things you've ever written, although I have to wonder if "guns" is intended as some kind of oblique metaphor for "boobs."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 6:47:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Ugh. I so wish I was not eating my bagel when I read this! Beyond horrible.

On an aside - you got an F-ing 30% OFF!?!?! Holy shite, they do exist. (And why do I always think there is an "h" in exist?) I was at Kohl's last night with my measly 15%. Oh - and I take a size 10 too!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger bekah said...

ugh I just threw up a little in my mouth.

horrors.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

AAACK! I didn't need to SEE it!

I have a post w/this exact title.

AND YES! I want your copy. I'm dying to read that book.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:20:00 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Yuck! Gross! Ick! Gag!

I try to never ever eat at any fast food place.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

And I thought Spray 'n' Washing the boy's underwear was ruining my morning.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Okay, that's a definite 'ICK'. . .

And (*heh-heh*) I totally thought the same thing as TwoBusy. . . Altho, let me just say that Sigourney Weaver has got nothin' on you, dear. . .

And, isn't the noun form of 'fantastic' - 'fantasticality'?

;)

My WordVer is 'ofeud', but we're all good, you and me, right?

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Yuck! Nice turnaround of the CSI crime scene with the fantasy segway - although of course I'd sub in my favorite emo vampire with the bouffant 'do (also totally legal!) for the burger & the Efron.

Definitely not B&N regulation soundtrack; during my stint, it was all sensitive latin jazz, all the time.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Blech. You're right. You just killed my hamburger orgasm from that earlier post.

You drive a mini?

Also, you should totally sue.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

my stomach just did flip flops...reminiscent of the ones it did last night after in jesting a digiorno pizza due to the unusability of my stove and the relative emptiness of my wallet...lemme say, never again. which would also be my feelings on the mickey d's hamburger incident. blarg...someone fetch me a bucket.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i dont feel so good right now.
i kinda got that i'm gonna freakin puke any second feeling happening.
i would break up with mcdonalds too, except they have these fries and damnit! i love the fries. everything else? well i'm never touching them again. ever. just for you. solidarity.
still, got that i just threw up feelin' comin' on.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Peggy said...

Sick! I would have taken it back just on principle alone!

Way to go Ronny Mc!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Peggy said...

ps - that's almost (but not quite) as bad as the time I found a band aid in my salad....Oh I'm gagging just thinking about it.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Oh my dear god, you should've risked the salmonella in the peanut butter. I may never eat McDonald's again and it wasn't even my McD's.

Now, Burger King, we can still be friends.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I was really diggin your day until you found the blood. *shudder*

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

*Please don't let me vomit, please don't let me vomit, please don't let me vomit...*

That is my morning sickness mantra and I am chanting it right now because, damn. That is effing disgusting. How come you're not on CNN this morning like the finger in the chili lady?

Hey, don't feel bad, my celebrity makeout dreams always end before the good part. It's very disappointing.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

But I'll just say that I had some forebodings about this post just from reading the title. Which, just for the sake of sayin' so, were different forebodings than the actual creepiness which ensued.

Not like you've never done that before, y'know. . .

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 11:01:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

I reckon it was a McNugget drive-by.

The burgers and the Nuggets have been having a Biggie/Tupac "beef" for years.

Get it? Beef.

*cricket noise*

Maybe Scotch and cigarettes for breakfast is a bad Idea. Don't judge me though. It beats one of those McNasty Poopy Paties.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

The idea that the cardboard burgers from McDonald's could contain anything that might once have been part of a living organism is a novel one.

Anyway, I hope you complained and that in the future they'll do a better job of wiping bodily fluids off the wrappers before they use them...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Hey! Michael Biehn was born the same day as Molly!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger The Wulf Man said...

So you ate the burger right? ;)

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

That is the nastiest thing I've ever seen. Well, almost,,, but still!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:14:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Reason #1,451,777 why I won't eat at fast food places much less Mickey Dee's (not even for breakfast anymore)

They better freakin’ give you a lot of money to erase that shit from your mind!

A LOT of MONEY!

Ronald McF*ckinDonald better come to your house and and then give you a gigantic check where you will be able to pay off your house and the future houses of your sons. That is so beyond anything I’d be able to take!

P.S.
In other disgusting news, wasn’t Zac Efron the guy they found with major earwax build up on TMZ? Like enough earwax to light a whole country of people like, oh let’s say, China??

::SHIVER!:: on both counts!

Please keep us updated.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

And now I'M nauseous too. Sympathy nausea. And I don't even sympathy puke!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I'm with Laggin. Pardon me while I barf.........

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 2:25:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I seriously hope you put that wrapper in the freezer and contacted a f*cking lawyer. That is disgusting. And do not let the evidence out of your hands, you'll never see it again if McD's gets a hold of it.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 4:26:00 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

I always thought that song was about me. It's about you? Damn.

Also, more horrifying than dried blood on McDonald's wrapper? Album version of I Want You to Want Me.

Ironically, my word verification is bledsp. It's what someone did at McDonalds.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:14:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

There is a reason everyone only plays the Live at Budokan version.

I ate at McD's today by the way. And did someone mention furburgers? Hehe.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:53:00 PM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

I will never eat McD's again. And when the drive thru girl that knows me by name, dives in front of my car as I drive by..

to ask me why I'm not paying my share of her kids orthodontist bill with my daily dollar meal feeding frenzy..

I will point her to your blog!

P.S. The 'dig if you will' aspect of your post was both hysterical and sexy! I want to steal that!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 11:16:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Your dream went from exotic to Friday the 13th - hope you brought them the evidence!

... if some dumb bitch can sue McD's for squeezing a hot coffee between her thighs...imagine!

Thursday, April 09, 2009 1:59:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

If you could just embrace your inner vampire, your life would be so much better.

Thursday, April 09, 2009 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

And you still eat at McD's after these episodes?
Where do you get the time to write posts like these with all the links? However you do it, thanks.

Thursday, April 09, 2009 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

Let's just say that you cut your lip on a sharp pickle and that you have super-dry blood.

And let's NOT say that a McDonald's employee has a weeping sore.

Thursday, April 09, 2009 11:33:00 AM  
Blogger Amber D. said...

I'm going to ignore the bloody cheeseburger incident like I didn't just read it, and concentrate on Efron.

I counted down the days till he turned 21 so I wouldn't be the creepy almost thirty year old who steals her daughter's High School Musical DVDs to ogle a minor. Now I'm just the almost thirty year old who ogles a LEGAL AGE OF DRINKING person.

Thursday, April 09, 2009 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger tamilyn said...

Barf-o-rama. One more reason to stay away from the arches.

I need a dream starring Zac-that sounds creepy saying it out loud, oh, who cares?

yotato-word cerification-it makes me laugh!

Friday, April 10, 2009 12:00:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Um... ohmigod ewwww! Seriously.

And Motherbumper so had your number when she tweeted that Zac Efron is NOT LEGAL.

cough *cougar* cough.

;)

love ya babe.

Friday, April 10, 2009 11:07:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I seriously hope you saved that thing. That could be your million dollar burger baby. If a woman can get rich by spilling coffee on herself, you should be able to buy the Spelling mansion after this.

Also, when you buy the mansion, I'm totally coming over to bowl. You can hide Zac Effron in the gift wrap room.

Saturday, April 11, 2009 7:54:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Happy Easter you lustalicious thang you!

nolimpin.... hows that for a word verification....

Sunday, April 12, 2009 6:05:00 AM  
Blogger musing said...

Oh, I hate being woke up from a good dream! especially when it involved a certain pirate in black eyeliner.

Monday, April 13, 2009 5:52:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

# 1. That's so extremely gross.

# 2. Zac Efron is hot, but...

# 3. Robert Pattinson is so much hotter and I have been dreaming of him EVERY NIGHT since I saw Twilight and I literally feel guilty, like I am having an affair or something.

# 4. Don't tell my husband.

Monday, April 13, 2009 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Did you see Zac on SNL? I will ashamedly (is that a word???) admit that I didn't know who he was until then. I had heard his name, but never could have identified him. I can now!

*fanning self*

Monday, April 13, 2009 4:14:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Ugh ... boycott McD's. Shit.

Monday, April 13, 2009 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

well I have a fun Mickie D's story and it happen long ago in a galaxy far away...
Seriously, I went to get a burger and on the hood were numerous German roaches (they were speaking German) crawling on the hood. Spoke to the manager who basically told me to bug off. Told me to go to the health department and complain. I work there, so I complained. He treated the head inspector rudely. The inspector simply wrote to corporate headquarters. The man was fired. Never underestimate the power of complaint - to the right people.

Monday, April 13, 2009 8:42:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Isn't it sad that we, as mothers, can instantly identify blood? I'm not even that phased about it. I mean, I wouldn't have eaten it, but your post still made me laugh. (needed that)

Did you ever hear about the finger in the Wendy's chili story? Our next door neighbor was the forensic detective on that case.

My life is weird.

And I would like to borrow your copy of zombie Austen, please!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger American in Norway said...

I'm still singing "Love & Rockets..." Great post... $2.75 for a Happy meal... I WISH... they are $10 here...(I know you really care...)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 1:52:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

ew. i want to vomit. really, i do.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 12:13:00 PM  

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