was it good for you?

Kudos, Hardee's! I'm not sure if it was your intent when you began broadcasting your newest ad campaign featuring Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi, but I swear you may have actually caused me to orgasm when I stumbled upon it while flipping TV channels late last week.

Have you seen it? If you're into food porn, feel free to watch the above video (extended version, baby, because I know you like it like that!). If you can't watch it, or you've taken a sabbatical from TV (which, how?! do you not realize that next Sunday is the season finale of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels?), let me break it down for you. Padma walks around an exotic open air market, fingering and touching a lot of stuff that makes me think out loud, "Do people really do that? Would I be inclined to buy spices and potentially delicious foodstuffs if I knew people far, far dirtier than I ever imagine Padma Lakshmi being had stuck their digits in it?" When she's done fondling the food, she parks herself on the stoop of a beautiful brownstone and pulls out a giant, drippy, onion ring and bacon-garnished hamburger and, I swear to you, unhinges her jaw like a snake so as to shove that first attempted bite in. What did I hear in my head when I first saw her do that? With liberties, I heard the poetic verse of one Sir Mix-A-Lot:

"My anaconda don't want none unless it comes between two buns, hon."

Which, again, I guess I should say if the goal was to make me desire a Western Bacon Thickburger and not, in fact, mourn the demise of my vibrator, I should probably rephrase that line, too. Except wait, Padma's tongue is now out and curling up like a serpent, so just a second...

Anyway, after that, there is much hiking up of skirts and unladylike of sitting, a quick and blatant cleavage shot, and tremendous amounts of tongue action and finger licking. All in all, it's like watching Cinemax in 30 seconds. Only now I'm not having to do so with the volume turned down and listening for my Mom to wake up and come out to the living room to see what I'm watching.

Considering the tag line at the end of the commercial for the sandwich (?)(her?)(you?)(me?)states it's "more than a piece of meat," the goal probably wasn't for me to experience the particular type of physical release I may or may not have. Whatever. I mean, I had to watch the damn thing three or four times before I even realized what it was Hardee's was trying to sell me. It was then that I really took notice of all the similarities Padma and I share!

Like her, I, too, have also always had a love affair with food. I didn't need to travel all over the world to feed it, of course. Not when my best friend in high school worked at the grocery store bakery and would bag me down with a dozen fried and frosted orbs on the cheap each night at closing time. I damn near guarantee you that a few times I sucked the deliciousness out of a cream-filled Long John the way Padma goes to town on what appears to be some delectable sweet sauce on that burger. I doubt anyone would have tapped on my car window while I was doing it and mentioned the word 'orgasm,' but if they weren't in bliss, I kind of was.

Also like Padma, I was reminded of being in high school and sneaking out before dinner to savor, well, a regular old bacon cheeseburger at our local Hardee's. I'd go because that's where Kent, my druggy crush, worked. Did I ever get a date with him out of all those trips? Nope. And while Padma says she left no evidence behind, my actual behind was, ironically, leaving evidence behind, so all I did manage to get out of my many youthful trips to Hardee's was a couple new pairs of jeans in a bigger size, and a few years later, when the sneaky eating and the efforts to hide the effects caught up with me (to again quote from the Book of Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Red beans and rice didn't miss her!") it also got me a year or so in treatment for an eating disorder! Woot!

I haven't been to a Hardee's in a kabillion years, or at least 20. Am I above fast food? Please. I'm the girl who has eaten Cheetos and Reece's Pieces when I've discovered them in my cleavage so, you know, I ain't the most picky link on the food chain (even though I feel it necessary to amend the above statement to say I've not found those particular food stuffs in between my stuff at the same time! I'm not an animal!). I'm just not sure this commercial is going to be the thing that gives me a hankering for a hunk of Hardee's, that's all.

However, after seeing this commercial a few times now, I do kind of feel the need to take up smoking so I can roll over and ask Hardee's if it's got a cigarette.