...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

a post about the hairs on tool man's chinny, chin, chin

I've made little secret of the fact that I'm a big fan of goatees. There's something about that tuft of chin-hugging hair that makes me a happy, happy girl. Men, by their very nature, are a handsome lot, but when you slap a wee bit of hair around their grin, the hotness factor - at least in my Book O'Hotness Factors - rises.

Interestingly enough, I'm not as enamored of actual goats. For reasons I dare not even dwell upon, every goat I've ever encountered has hopped up on me in some kind of twisted mating dance that makes me shudder to think about. Seriously. OK, I guess I'm going to dwell upon it here for just a second - I once attempted to interview a goat farmer for a newspaper article (just the type of gripping news that made me an award-winning journalist), and after an hour spent failing in my ability to take any notes because the goats were forever humping my calves, I had to beg her to see the madness of the situation and ask if we could go inside her home, where, swear to God, the goats peered in the windows at me with their mysterious eyes. It was creepy, and, best of all, I reeked of goat when I finally left. Will you ever see me in a petting zoo? No. No, you will not.

(of course, sometimes goatees can also stink, too, which is a sad fact I'm well aware, thanks to the the fromage-tinged funk my Tool Man sports after enjoying any meal where cheese is involved)

My Tool Man's had a goatee for quite some time (he also had a kid-toucher mustache when we first met and our second date was contingent upon that hairy caterpillar crawling away)(ah, a few paragraphs in and I'm really painting a fabulous picture of my love, but wait, it'll get better). A few weeks ago, I noticed he hadn't shaved around his normally well-kept goatee, but I chalked it up it to being the weekend and him not wanting to take the three minutes he typically spends on daily grooming. By the middle of the week, I stopped him in the kitchen, waved my finger around his face, and inquired as to what was going on there between his nose and neck. "Oh, my....you're growing a beard, aren't you?" I asked, to which Tool Man responded affirmatively by smiling through the sharp follicular daggers poking from his pores.

OK, here's some examples of those who rock a full-blown beard:

  • Any of you reading this who have beards
  • Any of you with beloveds bearing beards
  • Santa Claus
  • Jesus
  • Gandalf and his alter-ego Professor Dumbledore
  • Sasquatches
  • Hagrid
  • Jim Morrison
  • Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard
  • Bret McKenzie
  • The Wild Thing from Where The Wild Things Are
  • Chuck Norris
  • The Burger King king
  • Anyone who has ever denounced the government, taken up refuge in a remote shack, and/or penned a manifesto
  • Yosemite Sam
  • The Beatles circa Abbey Road and/or Let It Be
There are, of course, many more who can sport the full face of fur well, but I think the above list gives a fair representation. I know you're probably asking yourself why I didn't include two-thirds of ZZ Top on my list, and I think the answer is obvious. Sharp dressed men? No. Those aren't beards so much as they are distractions, and I fear, if left to his own devices (which apparently no longer include his beard trimmer), Tool Man could be heading for distraction territory.

OK, honestly, he may already be setting up camp in distraction territory and renaming it Beardsville, because I, for one, am quite distracted by this new accessory he's sporting. Why? Well, for one, his hair is dark, bordering on black. I call it brack, for it dances a fine line between brown and black. However, his beard has grown in quite red. Some would say it's rust belt (and some who would say that better get that reference and dig it like I do). It's difficult to look at him and not find your eyes locked simply on the face pelt he's sporting. "My eyes are up here," he'll tell me when he's been speaking for awhile and I've not responded because I'm so mesmerized by the leprechaun hair he's growing.

If Tool Man weren't so camera shy, I'd share a photo of him and his furry face friend here with the rest of you. Alas, I can't do that, so I've included an artist's rendering of his beard so you can see what I'm dealing with. This was drawn hastily (and shortly after Tool Man had a hair cut), and I'll admit, I am no one's idea of an artist. My red marker started to go dry halfway through my process, which is a shame, because the beard is QUITE red. I should also note that my Tool Man isn't quite as cherubic as this drawing would lead you to believe, nor does he look like a vintage Fisher Price little person. Nor Keanu Reeves.

In case I've not made my case here clear, I'm not a fan of the full-blown beard ON MY TOOL MAN. If you have one, trust me, I'm good with it. However, on Tool Man, it's become the topic the majority of our conversations, most of which include random queries as to it's itch factor, length of stay versus length of growth, and it's impact in the romance department. Even the kids, without any prodding from me, have gotten in on the campaign to curb the beard.

"So, how long do you think you're going to have that thing?" our oldest asked the other night while we were enjoying dinner as a family.

"Who knows," Tool Man responded. "Maybe for awhile."

"But it's nearly summer!" our youngest chimed in. "Your face will get hot. No one wants a hot face!"

(amen, little man...amen...)

"Maybe I'll become a trend setter!" Tool Man replied.

"Like that time you bought a silver minivan and then noticed everyone on the road was also driving silver minivans and you proudly declared it was because we'd opted for that over the red one?" I asked.

"Maybe," Tool Man said.

"You have a bit of noodle trapped in your facial flytrap there by your lower lip," I sighed.

Short of shaving him in his sleep, I think we're forced to look at his beard for awhile longer, and you can imagine that during every minute of that awhile longer that ticks by, I'm cursing Tool Man's light sleeping habits (although the plus side in that? no Rumpelstiltskin beard!). I'm also using that time to be very cognizant of any stray chin hairs that pop out on me (sigh...), because paybacks can be a hairy bitch, and if Tool Man ever learns what a blog is, he'll bust me for busting on him.

Seriously, though, if he goes to kiss you after having eaten pizza at any point in the day, ask him to go wash his face first. You'll thank me. Then you'll join my army of razor sharp allies working to clip this beard in the bud.

Labels:

48 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

I am really not a fan of facial hair so I totally support you in your campaign.

And wow. You are quite the artist. It's just like a photo.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Why is the Toolman wearing lipstick in the artists rendition?

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:25:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Would it surprise you to know that I actually know someone who shaved her husband's new beard off in the middle of the night? With an old-fashioned razor blade?

This woman will be me, by the way, if my own personal husband brings back the, ahem, "Lincoln Beard" he sported pre-me. Because nothing says sexy like facial hair fashioned after a 19th century president.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

I'm growing a full-on beard when I'm a philosophy professor. Plus, tweed jacket, with elbow patches, and a pipe. I'm going affect the hell out myself.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:51:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Just show him this picture of Mr. Phoenix. That should scare any man from growing a beard.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I think he should just grow the 70s porn 'stache instead. I'd like to see that.

I'm predicting no less than four Desmond comments on this one. This shall be a topic of great interest for him.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

I've always been a fan of the Tom Sellick style.

Manly enough to say "hello ladies" without being too cheesy.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger Neesh Q said...

There is such a fine line between hot goatee and pedophile goatee. I love scruff on men, like the 5 'o clock shadow. Perfection :)

Monday, March 30, 2009 2:39:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I don't "do" facial hair. So glad my husband is in the military. He would grow a full beard if he could, but it is against regulations. He has told me that he plans to grow it out though when he retires. So I have 14 more years to convince him that it is a bad bad bad idea.

Monday, March 30, 2009 5:35:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I'm with you Sister. Goatee? Hot. Beard? Not.

And I have very sensitive skin.

Monday, March 30, 2009 6:38:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I always said that when I retire, I'm going to retire my razor, too. (No beards permitted at my work).

Having worn a beard for the months I was in the cervical collar, though, went a long long way toward changing my mind on that one.

Of course, I wont be retiring for a long time, so maybe I'll revert; but he may just need to get it out of his system. Like a bug, or a virus.

Monday, March 30, 2009 6:41:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I've never seen my husband without a mustache. He's had it since we met, and the man is not a fan of change. After lots of hinting, he recently grew a goatee. LOVE goatees!

Monday, March 30, 2009 7:21:00 AM  
Blogger Chas said...

I, too, love goatees. However, in darn near 15 years I've never been able to get my hubby to sport one for me. However, he has grown a beard on a couple of occasions. Unibomber scary, I tell you. Unibomber scary.

Monday, March 30, 2009 7:28:00 AM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Both my dad and husband are beard guys. And both are better for it as I have found that men with *ahem* a bit of a "lesser" chin, if you will, benefit from some hair coverage.

My husband keeps his pretty short though, which is good because when it's gets scruffy it gets too pokey (heh) and that is annoying.

Monday, March 30, 2009 7:41:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

put a tally for me in the column for women who love facial hair on men. i even like the full beard. what i don't like are soul patches. when i see them i just want to grab the doofus sporting it by that little wisp of whisker and whack it off with a straight edge.

when my daughter torments me with hannah montana shows it's all i can do not to got into convulsions over the ridiculous soul patch billy ray cyrus sports.

Monday, March 30, 2009 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

I am so with you. I have been married for 15 years and have NEVER seen my husband without a goatee (minus pictures of him in HS, etc.). Occasionally he'll say he's going to shave it off and I panic.

He has grown a full beard on a couple of occasions. Yuck.

Monday, March 30, 2009 8:08:00 AM  
Blogger American in Norway said...

Ya, not a big fan of the facial hair... fine on other guys, but not mine...

Monday, March 30, 2009 8:36:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

he-he the Burger King dude!!
My hubby has a goatee too and I'm with ya girl- if it grew into a beard I'd be crying too-I say go in with a razor at night!!!!

Monday, March 30, 2009 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

Oh...I am a fan of the goatee for sure! Shooter has occasionally grown out the full beard but I'm not a big fan of it. I have highly sensitive skin and it makes me breakout! Luckily he's been shaving his head and growing a beard with no hair looks weird! ;-)

Monday, March 30, 2009 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

I came home from college one semester with a full beard. My paents taped razors all around the house and hide my car keys until I got the message.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm a fan of facial hair, as long as it's not on my face. And you said Chuck Norris which makes this post worth framing. Oh and you missed King Elessar on that list.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:10:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

"I reeked of goat"

I just wanted to stop and admire that for a little while.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

My husband had a goatee for a while. I wasn't really a fan and apparently neither were the real goats. He was bitten twice by a goat while sporting the goatee. Coincidence? I think not.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I'm with you. My J sports a lovely goatee. And I even enjoy the stubble of a few days without shaving but NO BEARD. EVER. Please god, no. I'm shuddering for you. Beards are not good.

I kinda threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about kissing a man with a beard just after a meal. Bleh.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, wow. . . the jackpot. . .

I mean, you've got me in there with Jesus, Santa Claus and the Beatles. . .

Steady, Desmond. . . you can handle this. . .

See, I've always figured that, if God went to all the trouble of putting hair on my face, why on earth would I want to go thru all the hassle and irritation of scraping it off every freakin' day?

Besides which, facial hair is sort of like the male version of boobs, isn't it? You know - a biological sex-marker that isn't reproductive?. . . C'mon, if you think of it that way, isn't it just a whole lot cooler?

And, uh, Dana's Brain kinda nailed it for me, too. . . A, uh, 'weak chin' can use a little help, sometimes. . .

And don't scoff too loudly at the whole 'trend-setter' idea. The last time I shaved the beard off was for interviews when I graduated from college. After I'd been there for a few months, I asked my boss if he had any objection to me growing it back; he said he didn't, and so I did. Within two weeks, five other guys in the office were growing beards. . .

I don't think Molly has ever directly seen me without a beard. When she saw some photos of me from high school, she gasped, and said, "Don't you ever shave!" Which was the tiniest bit disconcerting - I mean, that was me in those photos, after all. . . But I've had very little inclination to cross her wishes on that account, anyway. . .

So, maybe not four separate comments, but five in one comment (FTN is so smart). . .

Monday, March 30, 2009 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

Dude. My man did that a year ago. We both look at pics of that time and are all, "Whut the Whut?" Love the man, but Gizzly Adams also had a beard and I don't see him listed on that thar list of yers.

See... beards are for the very "special"....

Monday, March 30, 2009 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

meh. i am anti-beard. they are NOT sexy. hello, i AM talking to you, Joaquin...

Monday, March 30, 2009 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love the goattee...hate the beard!! It's just too damn much!!

Hallie :)

Monday, March 30, 2009 11:09:00 AM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

My hubby has the umm, fu man chu thing. Spell check on that. I like it on him, it's sexy.

But not a fan of a full on beard man being in my facial area after he's been in my Brazil area.

Monday, March 30, 2009 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger Phat Mama said...

P.S. I -might- have a stray chin hair or two, as well. Bless you for having the nerve to speak of it.

I wrote a whole blog post last week about female chin hairs and how they get in the way of sex.

Monday, March 30, 2009 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

I'm with you - goatee=good; full beard=bad ON MY MAN. Of course I love it on all my pals who have a full beard, but on my man? No; no thank you. Of course it helps that my man is incapable of growing more than a goatee - the cheek hair just never comes in and the neck and throat hair is very sparse. But now he doesn't even want to grow the goatee because he has a couple "gray" hairs in it (HE thinks they're gray, they're really just very light blond in an otherwise dark blond goatee).

Monday, March 30, 2009 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Just make reference to his crumb catcher every chance you can until he shaves it.

Perhaps even pulling a crumb or two out it now and again.

Monday, March 30, 2009 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

As long as you shaved half of it off in the night, that'd be enough.

Personally, I can't stand going a day without shaving, so I don't think I'd have the patience to grow any facial hair.

Monday, March 30, 2009 2:44:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Hubby's gotta moustache - and he's NOT ALLOWED to ever shave it off EVER!! (again , that is)

the man has no upper lip and it's kinda creepy.
I like a soul patch or goatee over full blown facial fur.

Monday, March 30, 2009 2:57:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

This is SO weird, because I don't like goatees, and yet, I DO love me some goats! They're full of AWESOME!

Once I dated a guy with a goatee, but a shaved head, and that was kind of hot, especially to kind of "tug" on it sometimes..if you get my drift... and moving on if you don't...

I don't like full beards though because of my dad. He used to have one in the winters and is was ALL Zz topped OUT. Ugh. I always thought he looked meaner and wild with it, like the beard controlled his personality. Now, I won't kiss, sleep with or cook for anyone in my home who has one. My husband fortunately concedes to my whims. Lucky him.

Monday, March 30, 2009 3:07:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Thank you for noticing how great I look with my beard! You were thinking of me, right? I mean, it did show.

Monday, March 30, 2009 4:36:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Not many can pull off the full beard, and my man is not one of them either. He has a goatee and has grown out the beard a couple of times and I wasn't thrilled.

Monday, March 30, 2009 5:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

You forgot to mention the woman I saw at Walmart today getting groceries. She sported a beard even Dumbledore would be proud of.
No joke.

Monday, March 30, 2009 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

You crack me up!!! I hate beards too. I can't stand when it gives me a razor burn! lol I am always asking him to shave it off so his face is smooth again!

Monday, March 30, 2009 11:59:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I think it's a rare man who can rock the full beard. And anybody who wants to try, should ask for public opinion before they get their heart set on it.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 5:49:00 AM  
Blogger Peggy said...

I'm so far behind on my reading. I blame the alcohol.

"he also had a kid-toucher mustache"

LMFAO! my hubband also has a goatee that I love...I'm not 100% positive that he can even grow a beard so kudos to your macho tool man!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

My lover owns a beard of sorts. It's the goatee type. Me loves it. Can I just tell you how happy I am that you included Chuck Norris on your list? At work I have a Chuck Norris quote of the day set up to hit me at 10:00 am. Who first love a short redhead with karate skills and a hair piece? People without hearts, that's who!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Miss Banshee said...

The Professor just shaved his soul patch, and I miss it. It was gray! So distinguished, yet hip in the same way! I scowled mightily.

He also threatened to match a full beard with his bald head so he gets harassed at the airport. There are no words.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 9:39:00 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Good lord, I hate facial hair.

::shudder::

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 3:01:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I, myself, am not a fan of the beard...they kinda freak me out truth be told...except for Uncle Jesse and Grizzly Adams and Santa Claus, I don't believe men should be allowed to have beards...

*SHIVERS*

You, however, crack me up!!!

Stacie

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 6:56:00 PM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

I'm with you on this one, I too do not like the full beard. During duck season is the only time Ch will stride out in a full beard come spring and summer it's all about the goatee

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger Bee (the one who muses) said...

Your skin! Your delicate delicate skin! Tell him if all the goodies (boobies) he will be depriving himself of like for example BOOBIES! Poor ouchy boobies! (:'o{

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 10:30:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Ah, my lovelies...please forgive the lack of comment response on these. My life...ah, my life...it is a bit 'meh' of late and I'm trying to do something about that. Anyway, please know I appreciate all of you who come through here and leave such delightful comments for me to smirk over. You rock. If you have a beard, might I just say you look quite dashing. If you don't have a beard, but you're thinking of growing one, scroll back up there and see how many of the ladies dig the goatee, then maybe retool the follicle fun.

Seriously. Goatees rule. So do all of you.

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:47:00 PM  

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