...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

i'd give my panties to a geek for a chance at free stuff

So the other day, Backpacking Dad (perhaps you've seen his name tossed around here a time or sixty-eight kabillion) threw open the gates of awesome like some kind of golden-skinned gladiator prepared to battle a two-headed mythical beast and used his blog as a call to arms among his fellow bloggers, asking them to write a post on a subject of his choosing.

But not just any subject. No. That would be far too easy. This puppet master of the blogosphere (who, without knowing it, just made me use the word 'blogosphere,' which? blech!) sat casually at his perch, stroking the hairs of his magical, Leonardo DiCaprio-like goatee, and decreed, "Go forth, my minions, and masterfully pen a post about which character from either "The Breakfast Club" or "Sixteen Candles" you most relate to. Go! Now! Do! If your words impress me mightily, I will bestow upon you magical notebooks bearing the cover art of said movies, bound atop ivory white sheets of paper! Paper upon which you can then send me stalker letters to be tucked inside envelopes that may also, perhaps, contain clippings of your hair or other such tokens of your affections, and then which are sealed with ruby red lip prints where you've kissed them in great SWAKy delight."

Or something like that. When I read his post again, he apparently changed the wording a bit, so it read more like this: "Between NOW and 11:59pm on Thursday simply write a blog post describing in great, painful, humorous, depressing, sexy, angry, or emo detail which character from either The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles most resembles you. Leave a comment below with a link to your blog post, and on Friday, by fiat most arbitrary, I will declare the winners."

Those of you who've been with me for any length of time are probably thinking what I'm thinking, which is, "Oh, FADKOG, you have got this bitch locked up tighter than an Amish virgin! You're a freakin' John Hughes robot, yo!" Well, guess what? Apparently there are other people out there in the blogosphere (blech!) who think they, too, are all about the magic that is John Hughes and his masterful work (which, I'll maintain until my dying day, does not include "Weird Science," no matter what you do to convince me otherwise, so chill!). So I thought, "Huh. Looks like there could be some solid competition to this thing," and then I contacted Backpacking Dad and offered to send him a video of me applying my blush pink lipstick using just the power of my kick ass rack, but he stammered something about how that was cheating, and also questioned why I didn't offer to do that before he opened this effort up to the rest of his readers, and I was all, "Well, your loss, I guess," but then I was all, "Dammit! Now I have to write a post! I have to totally allow Backpacking Dad be a total pimp about this and bow to his rules! Dammit!"

So I thought I'd go totally off the grid and do a post about how I'm totally like Principal Dick("Excuse me. Richard.") Vernon from "The Breakfast Club," because I have two sons and routinely find myself telling one of them, "Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns," but Principal Vernon really isn't the core of who I am.

I also thought I'd share why I think I'm the bastard child of Allison Reynolds and Brian Johnson from the same movie, but I've done that before here, and a little bit more here. Honestly, the anatomy of ...for a different kind of girl is riddled with the Breakfast Club quote bullets fired at it during sporadic drive bys. So, in order to meet the rules as mandated by Backpacking Dad, I'm going to tell you why I closely relate with Farmer Ted in "Sixteen Candles" ("Who's he?" you ask? "That's me," I say. "Who are you?" you wonder. "I'm him," I answer. "Oh. OK," you concede.)

Here's why I am Farmer Ted:
  • Like him, I, too, have never bagged a babe.
  • Fresh breath is also the priority of my life.
  • I'm an awkward geek whose voice cracks from time to time.
  • I don't have five grand.
  • I'm an award-winning journalist who knows that, in order to get great answers, you have to ask great questions ("Just answer me one question."). Some of the best ones include: "How's it going?" and "So, what's your story? You got a guy or...?"
  • Because I work in a bookstore, when my friends phone me up at inopportune times and ask me what's going on, I think it's hilarious to respond, "You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!"
But that's not all! Remember that post when I asked, "What have I done for you lately?" Well, I can see that question being something of a mantra for Farmer Ted, too. Farmer Ted is a giver ("Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no."). Like him, I'm a total nerd who's willing to do just about anything, including things I'm ill-equipped to do ("Jake! I don't have a car! Jake! I don't have a license!) to win you over or show you a good time. Need cheering up? Allow me to serenade you. Care to join me in a spastic dance devoid of all rhythm? No? Well, don't mind me over here as I flail my arms around.

Like Farmer Ted, I am also an excellent confidante, and I will not dick you. I won't go blabbing to your crush that you have the hots for them unless I'm confidant, in the end, you'll end up together. If that involves asking if I can borrow your panties for 10 minutes, I'll totally do it. Don't think I won't. Not if it means true love! And isn't that what we all want? Even that is at the heart of what makes Farmer Ted tick.

So here's how I see the end of this post. Backpacking Dad and I are sitting atop a table, gazing adoringly at the other as the Thompson Twin's "If You Were Here" swells in the background.a

"Thanks for making all your adoring fans fight so hard for a shot at a really cool notebook," I'd say.

"Thanks for writing such a bitchin' post in an attempt to win one, and for videotaping yourself putting on lipstick with just the use of your most excellent cleavage. Because you're still going to do that, right? Even though I told you that you probably shouldn't? You didn't think I was serious, right?" he'd respond.

"Thanks for calling my cleavage most excellent. We can talk about that videotape later," I'd say.

"Happy you wrote a post, FADKOG. Make a wish," he'd say.

"It already came true! You chose mine as one of the winners!" I'd answer.

...and the scene fades to black, and I commence with my first official stalker letter.

Labels:

42 Comments:

Blogger Seriously Mama said...

Farmer Ted really was a decent guy, wasn't he?

Great post, but I still hope I win. ;-)

Thursday, October 16, 2008 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger Rhea said...

I totally can quote every single line from Sixteen Candles. I can't even tell you how many times I watched that movie.

Great post! I love Farmer Ted.

Thursday, October 16, 2008 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

Locked up tighter than an Amish virgin....seriously awesome shit.

Thursday, October 16, 2008 11:16:00 PM  
OpenID blissfullycaffeinated said...

Dammit. I'm never gonna win one those notebooks. How can anyone compete with such solid evidence?

Also, I would never say that it's some of J.H.'s finest work, but I thoroughly enjoy Weird Science. Robert Downey Jr.!!! Giant talking pile of poo!!!

That's good stuff.

Friday, October 17, 2008 1:36:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Backpacking Dad does have a nice goatee. It is so perfect it is nearly coiffed. Coiffed goatees rule.

Friday, October 17, 2008 4:15:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Weird Science? You are sooooo hotter than Kelly LeBrock (or however that small boobed woman spells her name)
As for the rest of the post? You are soooooo hotter than Molly Ringwald.

Friday, October 17, 2008 4:27:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

And like Farmer Ted, you know that guys are, like, in perpetual heat. Well played, FADKOG.

Friday, October 17, 2008 8:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

Well done... I'm lazy and didn't write a post, even though I think I should win just for the fact that my mom DID forget my 16th birthday. Seriously. That alone deserves at least a notebook, with or without a post, don't you think?
Great post, I especially love the "locked up tighter than an Amish virgin"... BRAVO!

Friday, October 17, 2008 9:14:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm sorry... I was doing fine, and then I hit the part about applying lipstick with your cleavage and I suddenly went blind.

I look forward to explaining this to my wife.

Friday, October 17, 2008 9:24:00 AM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Why don't you leave my boys Gary and Wyatt alone? They were just a coupla geeks looking to get laid. Who can't relate?

Friday, October 17, 2008 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

Very funny FADKOG!

I have only seen Breakfast Club once I think it was last year.

Friday, October 17, 2008 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

This post was freaky on so many levels. You've left me speechless. Now I'm hoping TBS runs "Sixteen Candles" this weekend so I can delve deeper into the meaning of all of this.

Friday, October 17, 2008 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

You crack me up! Yeah... I could totally see you as farmer ted when you spelled it out like that. I hope you win it!
Stacie

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Bah.

I've got nothing.

I mean, really, I've got nothing.

Where the hell is my offer of a video showing me how you apply lipstick with your breasticles?

Sniff.

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm impressed that you manage to resemble all those people (and have a 14 year old child in you) without going totally nuts ;-)

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

Who can compete with FADKOG Farmer Ted?

If it was up to me, I'd say you won. Both notebooks. No question.

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Kori said...

Sigh, I think you just re-ordered my netflix queue for me, thanks!

Friday, October 17, 2008 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Since I am not entering this contest...I really hope you win!

Friday, October 17, 2008 12:35:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

BUT did you ever charge people a buck to see your underwear?

Friday, October 17, 2008 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

girl, you rule!

Friday, October 17, 2008 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

Love it, love it. Thanks for giving me a good laugh ...

And every girl should make a buck off her panties ... NOTHINS FOR FREE IN LIFE BABY! Make sure you get your book! You are a winner to us.

Friday, October 17, 2008 1:06:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I heart Farmer Ted. Sad though that he sorta peaked at 14 or 15...he's creeeepy lookin' now.

Friday, October 17, 2008 3:35:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

You teased me when you understood my worship for Duran Duran, you gained my following when you shared my lifelong dedication to "Pretty in Pink." Now, you're Farmer Ted? My panties are in the mail on their way to the Midwest. Consider That Girl bagged.

Friday, October 17, 2008 5:08:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Winner.

Friday, October 17, 2008 6:01:00 PM  
OpenID blissfullycaffeinated said...

Congratulations. Dammit.

Friday, October 17, 2008 6:40:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

If I were a babe, I'd totally let you bag me. ;)

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:10:00 PM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

I never would have guessed how awesomely you totally rock out the Farmer Ted vibe. Excellent :D

Friday, October 17, 2008 10:39:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

So, FadKog, does "Seth" look anything like Farmer Ted? Just wondering.

Saturday, October 18, 2008 6:39:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Farmer Ted? I first read that as Father Ted! Slightly different, my bad.

Saturday, October 18, 2008 8:22:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Except really it's Seth who's farmer Ted am I right?

Saturday, October 18, 2008 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger GoteeMan said...

Totally great post! Loved Breakfast Club... watch it now and then just for the hell of it...

I would definitely be Bender...
- always pushing the edge
- ended up scaring the hell out of girl's parents
- authority problem
- ended up with a great girl
- had long hair
- never followed the crowd

J/ (goteeman.blogspot.com)

Sunday, October 19, 2008 12:09:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

oh how i still love jake ryan.
*dreamy sigh*

i would give my panties to jake willingly if he ever asked.

whatever happened to him?

hmm. off to google him now. i hope he's still hot.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger DCD said...

Man, I hate it when work gets in the way of everything! I missed all this.

I would lean more towards Allison from BC.

I think Jake Ryan is why I always wanted to name a son Jake, which is exactly what I did!

Sunday, October 19, 2008 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger April said...

I have tears, actual tears, in my eyes reading this. I heart Farmer Ted. My most favorite movie of all time. Some of the greatest lines ever. "A girl with a hat is just so . . . vogue."

If I had to pick a character I am most like, it's probably the girl with the back brace. I actually had that shirt with the girl in the dress, and I am pretty sure I used the skirt of the dress to wipe my face many times. Sad.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 1:05:00 PM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

why wasn't pretty in pink included in the contest? 'cuz i'm totally harry dean stanton, the lazy dad who won't get a job and doesn't remember that his own kid doesn't eat eggs.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Congrats on your win! This is hilarious Farmer Ted.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 8:42:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

You know, it took me until reading this post to realize you were FADKOG on Twitter. I'm sooooo slow. My children are eating my brain.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 8:52:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Mama said...

Just stopping by to admit my defeat. Congratulations! :-)

Monday, October 20, 2008 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

seriously mama - Farmer Ted is probably the guy I'd have ended up pursuing in high school!

rhea - Sixteen Candles is among my Trifecta of Perfection movies which also includes The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I'm a raging quoter!

Shonda - Coming from you, with your awesome? Awesome!

BC - About the only thing I can tolerate about Weird Science is the presence of one magical Robert Downey Jr.!

Papatv - Coiffed goatees so totally rule!

Savage - You are sooooo right! Or something. :)

Always home - Heh...well, I left out that obvious reason!

Sammanthia - Seriously?! Cripes, that fact didn't even need a post. That should have been a tweet and automatic win! (um, but I'm keeping mine, so... :) )

twobusy - While it is, indeed, a fact, I hope the blindness was only temporary.

bejewell - Oh, I can relate. I can relate only too well... :)

Bee - ONLY ONCE!! ONLY LAST YEAR!! How is that even possible?!?

Cocotte - Oh, I LOVE watching Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club when they're on TV. The editing alone makes it magical!

Stacie - I am a raging Farmer Ted!

Redneck Mommy - Your video is in the editing process, luv!

Brian - I must admit, they all get a bit testy sometimes and it can be quite exhausting!

CT Mom - Both notebooks would have been super awesome. One is just as much!

kori - Thank goodness I own the DVDs and watch (entirely too much) whenever the mood hits (entirely too much).

kat - Your positive thoughts must have worked! Thanks!

tuesday girl - Entirely too many people have been in my house and seen them for free. I should totally start charging!

Christina - Awww, thank you!

Andrea - In this tough economic time, I'm willing to consider charging for such a sight!

Stiletto Mom - The dude looks like he could snap a person in two with his eyes now, doesn't he?

That girl - Fantastic! Oh, dear friend, we are so one in the same!

BP Dad - You are my ideal, my Internet Jake Ryan. Flippin' sweet! Thank you.

BC - Thank you! I'll write your name in hearts on the margins!

sherendipity - What do you mean 'if you were...'?!?

Chat blanc - Trust me. I'm a complete geek.

Phyllis - Just a little bit. I mean, I like to think Seth is a little bit cooler looking, but really, Seth only looks cool in his own mind!

Chris - Heh. Bless you, my son.

Zip - Oh, there is probably a big part of Farmer Ted that makes up Seth!

goteeman - Bender was always the one I dreamed of. I was also hypnotized by Judd Nelson's nostrils.

kimmy - Jake Ryan is a mystery. I'd still love a Jake Ryan. That last 30 minutes really seals his deal!

dcd - May your Jake always bring birthday cake to girls and treat them well!

April - I'd probably be Randy, Samantha's best friend who disappears halfway through the movie, even though she was cool and spoke with the voice of reason.

you da mom - Ha! Um, probably me, too. I'd also step out of character and bitch slap James Spader for the super feathered hair and for wearing a Miami Vice blazer to high school.

heather - Thank you. I think a great deal of my victory lies in the sucking up I did for the bulk of my post, but I'll take the win with pleasure!

heather - It's OK, I'm kind of slow sometimes, too. Are we following each other?

Seriously mama - Thank you! Also, you changed your photo on me! Such a great smile!

Monday, October 20, 2008 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

OMG, I don't know how I missed this post but it is like my favorite one ever. To be able to reference so many lines from two of my all time favorites has just elevated you to goddess status in my eyes.

I bet the boys chase you around aprenty!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008 2:57:00 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

I spit a mouthful of water on my keyboard thanks to this post.

I probably would relate most to the foreign exchange student...except my name wouldn't be Long Duc Dong...because I'm pretty sure that I have said these two things more than once before:

"NO more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!" and

"What's a happenin hot stuff?"

I would rather have been Samantha...but let me tell you...I would NEVER give my panties to help anyone. Some things are sacred...and commando is not for me! LOL

Have a great weekend!

The Maid

Saturday, October 25, 2008 5:03:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Madame Queen - Believe me, I have had entire conversations using ONLY lines from these movies!

Becky - I think there was a lot of Samantha in me growing up. I just never got the cool boyfriend back then!

Sunday, October 26, 2008 10:39:00 PM  

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