she never mentions the word addiction in certain company
In what may be a shocking confession to some of you, I attend church every Sunday.
(um, OK, God was just all "ahem...", and gave me a look like my Mom used to when I would go for seconds at dinner, all guilt and tear-inducing, so let me strike that "every Sunday" part and amend it to "...pretty much every Sunday, even when I'm running really late, and my Tool Man and the boys are all 'Yeah, we'll just meet you there.'")
Sometimes I get a little too wrapped up in the shiny things around me when I'm at church and I'm not always paying close attention to the sermon. This fact is quite evident here, a highly recommended post about the seduction methods employed by chickens that I jotted down while (finger quotes) listening to (finger quotes) a sermon based on the story of Daniel.
Anyway, for the past couple of weeks, we've been discussing ways to strengthen our marriages and relationships as part of a new sermon series, and each Sunday, we leave with a set of questions for us to discuss in our small groups. I've actually been paying attention in this series, and have left church eager to pin Tool Man down.
To discuss the questions for couples.
(Oh, God, I know! I am hilarious! All praise to you, Big G!)
Anyway...
Last Sunday we were at our small group meeting. This rag tag bunch is comprised of four other couples, a single man I'm trying hard to love like Jesus would but who really just annoys me right now, and our pastor and his wife. We were winding down the discussion when we reached the question "What's one thing your spouse could do for you to make this the best year ever?"
Tool Man, not a big Talker O' The Feelings, abstained from answering. Annoying Dude chuckled and begged off responding since he has no wife (hint: be less annoying, Annoying Dude). Others in the room gave standard answers.
Then my pastor spoke up.
"I've told Mary (shockingly, not her real name, but very Biblical) here that if she really wants to make it a great year for me, she should learn how to smoke meat," he said.
And while I'm sure it was purely innocent, Seth, the 14-year-old boy who lives inside me, reared his red-headed mug up, nudged me, and was all, "Heh. Smoke his meat. Heh." And then he burst out laughing. And so did I. And it was really cool. Except that no one else laughed. And that made me laugh more. Even when Tool Man patted me on the knee and that pat turned into him digging his fingers into my flesh, trying to get me to stop.
It'll come as no surprise that I was perhaps included in prayers at the end of the evening.
God is awesome, y'all.
Labels: GO MEAT; now I know what I'm getting Tool Man for our anniversary
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 9:15 AM
63 Comments:
A lot of marriages would be saved if someone would just smoke a little meat.
Dude, I thought the same damn thing before I continued reading!! LOL.
And God? probably laughing too.
I didn't know until I started reading your blog that I, too, have an inner 14 year old boy. (No, I don't know what his name is. I told you I just found out about him. YOU name him!) It's a good thing I'm working from home today so that I don't have to tell the head of the Women's Studies department what I'm laughing about.
God loves his jerky, too.
That's what she said!!! That's what she said!!!
Aaaack! I can't stop!!
That's what she said!
Off to smoke some meat now...
My inner boy is about 12 but same concept and I totally thought the same thing...Your Pastor sounds like my kinda pastor...if I stil went to church. Crap. Now I feel guilty....but *snicker* Smoke his Meat *snicker*
Great. Now I'm gonna be snickering to myself all day and muttering "smoke his meat" and getting weird looks from the normal people.
See, Seth is a good friend of mine. . . ("heh-heh; he said, 'smoke meat'. . . like 'toke johnson'. . . heh-heh")
Except that I would've sat there, biting my lip, trying to stifle an all-out guffaw, until the pressure just built up too high, and I sprayed all over everyone within 5 feet. . .
Ok, that comment just BEGGED for a dirty laugh, come on!
Not unlike the time my 90-something year old dad needed some hair-styling help and yelled down the hall to my 90-something year old mom, "Honey-- could you come blow me?"
(At least I THINK he needed hair-styling help...?)
Yeah, my family is still talking about that one.
Smoke meat? That alone would have make me guffaw, without the sexual connotation. Where is he from? Williamsburg?
I am so Team Seth!
I never even once considered that he actually meant smoke meat.
I just kind of figured he was talking about blowjobs. Weird.
Because honestly, the sentence doesn't make any sense any other way. Who would have a great year from his wife learning how to actually smoke meat? That's just plain dumb.
For the record, every guy (and half the women) in my small group would laugh for about an hour if someone said that. Any and all other discussion would grind to a halt.
Perhaps you should have shared the joke...
I have a Seth to, only his name isn't Seth. and I acutally thought it was really sweet of hte Pastor to say that-talk about simple pleasures in life! No pun intended. I will leave now.
I couldn't have held that back either. It must have been a test.
I think I just fell in love with you (or Seth) a little bit.
oh please. what do you mean no one else laughed! i would have fallen off my chair laughing.
but now i want some beef jerky. hmm...
...and THIS is why you and are friends ;)
I also have a bad habit of cross connecting to something dirty. What would have been really great is if the pastor would have laughed too. You know they have sex!
Besides, that doesn't seem like a very honest answer. I think he meant it the way you took it. ;)
And that, my dear?? Is the reason I love you SO much! I'm totally feeling for you, though. My cheeks are all hot like I'M the one who got caught being dirty in church...
I suppose you could have pssed it off as "I just thought it was funny that you picked something so simple, here I was trying to think of something life-altering... Good point!!"
Guess it's too late for that, though.
I also have an inner 14yo boy - who knew?
Oh - and My hubs? totally would have laughed with me.
Ok, I'm a little perverted, too, 'cause I started giggling as soon as I read that. And then when I thought about it I was all, "Really? Smoke meat? Why would that make for a good year? That guy needs to get a life."
Cool! You've named your inner schoolboy!
Hey, pastors have needs too.
And I love that inner schoolboy of yours!
Maybe that is the solution! Thanks for that!
you know, if i'd realized that the youtube video was gonna bring up THAT commercial, i'da never clicked on it. THANKS...lmao
I do so love Seth. And that pastor had it coming. If you can't laugh at "smoke meat" what can you laugh at?
Now, see, I would've felt compelled to explain my laughter . . . "He wants her to smoke his meat!"
BTW, I'm smokin a turkey for Thanksgiving. But I love him!
Smoke it? I want to know how she lights it.
I would have totally been the one in that group to make some off color reply about what the spouse could do. At least I know I'd have you laughing, if no one else joined in.
So, what denomination?
I'm so in love with you. Seriously. You're my BFF.
BECAUSE I TOTALLY WOULD THINK THE SAME THING.
When I was in high school my friend Piers and I would go to youth group and church with our friend Josh (because that's how they getcha; they have all of these fun youth events and then BAM! you're handing out cookies at a bake sale on a Sunday afternoon wondering what happened to your porn and cigarettes) and we were all sitting up in the balcony while the pastor got up to past and he closed his eyes and got so in to it and he said "Holy, holy, holy" and Piers and I just about quaked to death trying to suppress our now-inevitable giggles. I don't know why it was so funny, but it was, and we'd look at each other and just try to stifle it even more but we couldn't and finally Josh was like "Guys, this isn't a fucking preschool. This is church, this is serious," and then we threw him off the balcony and joined the pastor in a rousing past of "Holy holy holy."
OMG, you know I would have totally been dying laughing right there with you.
[And I hear that smoking more meat does increase the survivability of marriages.]
Apparently I also have a teenage boy in my head because I thought the exact same thing!
For awhile after my Dad remarried we went to church, my brother and I always seemed to find something to crack up about. It's that thing of trying to be all serious, makes it all the harder to keep control!
Oh, I wish I would have been there! That sounds like something I would have done, I always laugh at stuff like that, and usually it just ends up with me making people feel awkward.
Whoops.
My inner 16 year old boy, yet to be named, but gifted with a hearty sexual appetite, snicker-snorted. He was relieved to have Seth back him up.
Dude....I think Meat Sandwich by GWAR is very appropriate as Jesus gets involved.... You can look it up on you tube.
I'd contain my lust for you but then I'd have to stalk....
omg, i love Seth so much !!
Ha. That is hilarious. I was actually out with my family one time and I don't remember where we were or what my dad ordered, but the waitress asked him how he wanted his meat rubbed (or something about rubbing his meat) and after she left we all looked at eachother and started laughing. I'm pretty sure that was the most innapropriate sounding thing I've ever heard at a restaurant. It was funny.
OK, that's really funny.
I would have laughed until I drooled.
oh, I so need to name the 14 year old boy in me, because right now he's blowing his Cheerios out his nose from laughing.
Smoke his meat! *snort*
Do you know how much I adore you?! Jesus wants you for a sunbeam! The last time I set foot in a church, it was for a very somber, Episcopalian funeral and I snickered at the words "thy rod and thy staff comfort me."
That's why I don't go to church, the dirty thoughts follow me everywhere. One day the church singers started singing "He touched me" and I had to leave the property.
GO MEAT!! :D
btw, why is annoying single dude even in a marriage strengthing series? weird.
I don't think I've commented before. Been lurking for a couple of weeks, though. And I must say, I thought the same thing about the smoked meat before I even continued reading. Seth is a good kid.
Chat - Annoying single dude thinks marriage strengthening implies that there are marital problems. He's there to pick up chicks!
I'm just like in awe that men can be so damned easy. All it would take to make him have a great year is some freakin smoked meat?? Easy. Done. Who knew?
My inner fourteen year old boy is called Farty. Who do you think writes my blog, FFS?
Smoke ma meat, bay-beh!
btw, I'm with Trish, whom I have never met.
Funny!
MEAT! MEAT! MEAT!
Hallie
Sorry. I smoked a bunch of crack and then went on a cleaning binge and haven't visited any blogs for like a day. I'm so lame to comment this late. But I totally felt the smoking the meat comment. I would have cackled so loud in that church. Who knew your Pastor loved his meat smoked. I could see how that would totally make someone's year.
Set and spike.
I just wanted to stop in and say hi. I will be honest and say that I didn't read your post, I will..I promise, but I am to tired right now! lol
So Hi, and well...bye! lol
I feel sorry for those who didn't "get it"
Ooh. Tagged you for a meme if you're so inclined.
Are you aware that the news you are watching is interlaced with Communist China's propaganda,as
Communist China maps a realm of news with innocent lives?
Communist China is scheming a millennial terrorist activity by manipulating people's behaviors
through electromagnetic waves to contain criticism and harm innocent human lives.
1. The anomaly in community traffic of cars and motorcycles and drag racing,and reckless honking by
cars and motorcycles is exceeding an unprecedented level.
2. Communist China has the technology to scan the human brain waves through military satellite and
to discern and decipher their thoughts,scheming to instill individual interference focusing on
each individual in need using the satellite electromagnetic waves.
3. Deploying electromagnetic waves is poised to project onto the human brain with certain
sounds for the perception of grossly traumatizing or startling pain,or deploying the broadcast
of noise via electromagnetic waves in sleeping humans with edited clips of films or through
voice or image signals onto our brains or besiege our sensory functions with fabricated
audible and sensory illusions.
4. It manipulates one's moods,such as smiling,nervousness,disgust,panic,anger,sorrow,
desires,appetite,and so forth.
5. It interferes the human brain's thinking capability,memory or linguistic capability,to name a
few,causing spasms of muscles and fingers in the left and right hands,stinging aches
throughout the body,coughing,yawning,trembling,involuntary blinking of the eye,runny
nose and so forth.
6. Electromagnetic waves are deployed to hinder the motoring functions of the body and neck,
disrupt the heartbeat or respiration,manipulate dizziness,deprive one's sleep,spasm,saliva
gland,dental neural pain,etc.
7. Watch out that Communist China is infiltrating the news media by deploying electromagnetic
waves to besiege the broadcast media,map out viral disillusion or erroneous perception,and
investigate threats of brainwashing in viral spreading.
8. It further moved to deploy various symptoms in what one sees of media icons,gesture terms,
adding a skewed interpretation to one's cognitive awareness,misleading an individual to
hallucinate or suffer,such as the North Korean's rigid smile,which is a tactic Communist
China often deploys to counter the people.
9. By observing the resolution accuracy of Communist China's sound and image (scenario)
interference projected onto the human's brain,this can only be achieved with a certain level
of frequencies at the source of interference,hence there is no doubt that it has to be the
electromagnetic wave. Yet questions remain as to what range of frequencies the source of
interference deploys,or what kind of electromagnetic waves insulation chamber would suffice
to provide an insulation yield? Communist China might deploy specific metal alloys as small scale
molecular antennas, which are attached to the human brain in large number,creating
electromagnetic waves when the human brain is in function,where the current created by
Communist China's electromagnetic interference would poise to amplify in a staggering
number of multiplication,which Communist China can detect at all times to discern and
muscles would excel the generation of electrode,which in turn create a corresponding
electromagnetic wave within.
10. Some of Communist China's intimidation experiences in 2002:6.9 "Hey,are you tired of living?"
6.14 "We had concocted the bombing incident at the U.S. embassy in Pakistan"
"Jiang Zhemin ordered us to kill you,but without creating scenes"6.16 "The Pakistani
civilian troops confessed that they had schemed the bombing of the U.S. embassy in
Pakistan,which we had manipulated them to confess,so what are you going to do about it?"
6.19 "Hey,why don't you just go ahead and commit suicide""We are going to scheme
murder using the public bus"6.20 "Commit suicide by burning charcoal,get it?"6.25 "Jiang
Zhemin just does not like you,go hit your head against the wall".
11. I reckon that there are victims abound out in the street,no less alarming than wars,and those
not in the know or did not understand that Communist China's simple electromagnetic design
could easily turn people against each other,create moving incidents,little lese to say mislead
the youth to broach down the wrong path,suicidal prompting,design and fabrication of a host
of society news (which Communication China refers to as movie making),as Communist China has had a
decade long of the technology,and has long abused its technological advantages to scheme up design
of abusing human lives by arranging fabricated news to poison and infiltrate the free
world,manipulate and misguide the contents of the media,and deploy brainwashing and malicious
spread of viruses,done with insinuation and riddles.The fact that Communist China's slaughtering
the innocent had been the result of a high level of calculation,and a high level of rationalization,
where the threats are in existence,and cannot be ignored of their detrimental severity.
12. Communist China often coerce people to watch news compiled by the reporter Lu Yuling of the cable
news in order for them to be saved,but few are aware that Communist China had merely deploy the
reporter to entrap many people. I do envision that those that turn to committing crime as framed
by Communist China,the extra sufferings by the ordinary people,and the deaths of many innocent
lives will not go unnoticed as hindered by a condoning attitude.
13. Nazi Hu Jintao, Jiang Zemin, Chinese Liberation Army, security police and armed police have committed suppression and massacre on their own civilians. Hu, Jiang and the other atrocious butchers owe these innocent civilians! More horrible and serious is that they are using mysterious killing technologies to cause harms to human brains around the world, making advantage of numerous international politicians and journalists to help them commit atrocities and beautify their actions, aiming to overturn and suppress those innocent people and cover up their terrorist acts and win fame by cheating the world. Securing in the knowledge that they have strong backing, these arrogant and shameless butchers have committed tortures and mass killing cruelly to those innocent ones around the world. Unfortunately, neither these politicians and nor journalists knowing what is what would dare to express their conscience.
14. The inhumane acts and atrocities committed by Nazi China are far more vicious than that of Nanjing massacre in China during WWII committed by Japanese army, as Chinese government is using mysterious technologies to commit massacres to masses of bare-handed civilians around the world as well as launch violence and terrorist activities to suppress these completely unarmed people’s freedom of speech. These demons, like Hu, Jinag and Chinese Liberation Army, despise the chastity, dignity and precious life of those innocent ones and suppress the emotions of their beloved. Meanwhile, relying on the condition that most of people in the world will not be able to witness their vicious acts of violence and behaviors they have committed unscrupulously and shamelessly, these Chinese Liberation Army enjoys using cruel ways to torture, massacre and trample on these innocent people, physically and mentally, in one free world. The arrogant Hu, Jiang and those jackals nurtured under such ferocious power treat themselves as the symbol of benevolence and hero, as they fail to learn their gutless and vicious acts to trample on those innocent people. If these demons, butchers and dregs of human, such as Hu, Jiang and Chinese Liberation Army who have become frenzied and conscienceless appeared in the site of Nanjing massacre in WWII, they definitely would be the leading roles to act atrocities!
15. We don’t want to see masses of innocent people to fall victim to the hell on earth built by red China where they will be susceptible to tortures and massacres for thousands of years.
16. Despite being even unable to fend for themselves in face of the high-tech detriments and attacks from China, we can not tolerate the fact that these politicians and journalists will become the accomplices to help China commit its terrorist acts and suppression on these innocent people in the current era or an unknown future.
17. In view of the notorious, vicious and sinister Hu, Jiang, Chinese Liberation Army with blood-stained hands, we just cast doubt over whether these greats of knowing what is what who have negotiated with these demons will show their conscience to save these innocent civilians or will act just for the sake of their profits, or are under the control of China. In this current drowned world, how will these innocent lives be treated in face of the atrocious acts committed by these diabolical figures, or when these innocent people will witness the practice of democracy in China? Will these phenomena turn out to be the joint efforts and endeavors achieved by China and those powerful figures in the world? Are we really dedicated to overturning such adversity? Our goal is to eliminate the vicious power one day with our strenuous efforts, and we absolutely will achieve it!
Chen,Shun-Chuan 2002.10.13* Republic of China (Taiwan)
My wife has been after us to start going to church. But she doesn't realize church is during the same time when I fret over the final lineups of my fantasy football teams. Maybe she can start going with you? Especially is they're planning on continuing the meat-smoking doctrine.
I am so late getting here today. Had I seen this post earlier, it's possible I could have dragged my man (who never goes) to church. Any talk of smoking meat would have totally caught his attention. Also, now when I put the nativity scene out at Christmas and tell the kids about each character, I'm totally going to have to do a Beavis and Butthead laugh when I explain who Mary is.
Will - ...and the Beef Council has their new advertising motto!
pgoodness - He's either laughing or just shaking his head sadly when he looks down at me!
Waltz - Your inner 14 year old is named Brad. He's a good kid, but has a tendency to be mouthy to impress chicks in his science class. Keep an eye on him.
always home - What's that sound I hear? Oh, it's the angels singing about how cool you are!
bejewell - Oh, she says a lot of things, that girl!
kd - Those dang crazy kids living around inside us, just trying to get us in trouble!
velma - I will totally pray for you!
Des - Tool Man tried to stop me by slowly shaking his head. Seth can't be stopped!
babybloomr - Your family's tale will, without question, carry on through the ages!
Cocotte - Proving once again God is awesome, tonight's small group "comment" was, "She certainly knows when she rubs me the right way!"
kimmy - Seth needs his own Team Seth tshirt!
ftn - When is your next small group meeting, and should I bring treats?
brian - It may be too late for me...
kori - I hope you and your inner self not named Seth come back again!
heinous - It may very well have been a carefully crafted "turn or burn" moment!
kat - You, me and Seth could be a very interesting love triangle!
zeghsy - I like a lot of meats, but I am not a fan of the jerky. I mean...
ali - Bonding over double entendre is how I've formed some of my best friendships!
wendy - While I know they do, it's kinda like my parents back in the day. I don't want to *think* about them having sex!
Eternal Sunshine - Oh, you're good! I absolutely didn't have a fall back story to go on if I'd been called out for laughing!
Meg - I hear some dudes rank smoked meat up there among life's simplest pleasures!
Chris - Oh, Seth and I are longtime friends...
Meg - That nearly begs for an understated peformance by Samantha Foxx!
lori - I think on the seventh day, God really wanted to create smoked meat but he was beat.
April - There's rarely a day that goes by that I don't sing that song!
blissfully - Amen, sister!
phyllis - I've never smoked a turkey. I'll have to ask my Tool Man if he'd like that. I bet he'd say yes!
pam - Probably not with the eternal flames of hell, at the very least.
Chuck - It's a non-denominational church, and very low key, which works out well for the likes of my low keyness!
aunt becky - I am down with the love!
BP Dad - It has been my experience that dudes named Josh totally need to chill the hell out.
undomestic diva - My anniversary is this week. I'll probably have to ask Tool Man if what you hear is the truth. Of course, he'll tell me it is, so I'll have to decide if I'm taking his word for it!
dcd - I tried to go to a more "organized" church, and it made me so uncomfortable all I wanted to do was laugh. Laughing seems to work out better where I'm going now, though!
sammanthia - If it made the Annoying Guy in our group even the slightest bit uncomfortable, it was totally worth it to me!
Biscuit - Seth always has your dude's back, man. ;)
savage - I like to assume people stalk me all the time, anyway. Commense!
Sherry - Seth likes to think he's pretty popular with the ladies. Or, as he calls them, "The Laydeez".
Zandor - There was rubbing talk tonight at small group. It is, indeed, a very good double entendre!
creative-type dad - Trust me. I was close to it.
merecat - Definitely name it, and then let me free to roam around!
That girl from...- Talk of rods and staffs pretty much means I have to leave the room. I've been known to snort laugh!
Bee - I shall totally pray for you, too!
chat blanc - Oh, there's some fancy talk about how this series we're doing will also help you strengthen your other personal relationships, but blech, Annoying Guy just makes me crazy.
Trish - Welcome out of the shadows of lurkdom! Come out again, won't you?
heather - Men are a pretty uncomplicated species, aren't they. That it was all so easy in life!
Mr. Farty - Hello, Mr. Farty who is with Trish, whom you've never met.
WWoW - Meat is a treat!
jen - You're never late to comment here. Come around whenever you like, however you like, to say whatever you like. I like you. I like having you here. It's a total likefest!
twobusy - curtsey bow.
choppzs - Yeah! I'm glad you stopped by to say hi! Hi!
anndi - My husband says the very same thing!
merecat - I will check it out soon!
Wordy Chinese Dude - You did not make this process of responding to comments annoying AT ALL...
Chag - Dude, I wrote a post about things a rooster would say to a chicken to get it to have sex with it in church once. You could totally come along AND do your fantasy football picks during the service.
stiletto mom = I think if you tell him it's a Holy Order of Smoked Meat, he might beat you to the car on Sunday morning!
Um, you have great cleavage in that picture on your avatar. I've always wanted to tell you that. That's all. Also? Sorry about Chen. He spammed me too.
That's awesome! And GOD BLESS you for laughing! That just shows God gave you some balls.
I don't know if I've told you this but my husband's last name rhymes with Venus, but it has a weird spelling so it's constantly mispronounced. EXCEPT... for on our wedding day when one of my friends very loudly corrected our priest (before the ceremony, in the church) that it was pronounced like PENIS!
(and he was smote down)
When Christians lose their sense of humor, it becomes the death of the church...
I have given many a sermon (and many more small group discussions) where people left the room wide eyed and mouth agape..."Did pastor really just say THAT?"
jen - You can come here and chit chat about my magical cleavage anytime you wish! Chen spammed the world, I think. I wish he'd have brought some crab rangoon.
weirdgirl - oh, your story! It was awesome!
bogart - Our pastor has paused during sermons, looked out among us, and asked 'Did I just say that?', which totally makes the church we're at awesome.
BTW, I've had this song stuck in my head since I read this post!!
weirdgirl - Ha! Me, too! Which, I suppose, doesn't suck (either...heh...) because I have always dug it!
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