...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, September 19, 2008

are you picking up on that vibe?

When I was high school, I had a part-time job as a Target cashier. I loved this job for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was for the 10 percent discount on the purchase of my Wham! Make It Big album (and I say "my" because I still own it!), and because I got to work with Shane, my high school crush who led me to believe we'd one day marry because he seemed to know so much about me and my fantastic taste in pop music, a fact I later deduced was the result of all the time I spent riding my bike by his house, slowly, and (perhaps) leaving notes on the windshield of his car.

I worked at Target in the era of "touch key professionals," which meant I'd hand ring in purchases using the code numbers off price tags with my right hand (which to this day remains robotic and I must take care so as not to crush the spines of those I wish a hearty "good job!" to with a clap on the back), while also guiding the various items along the counter and into a bag with my left. This was all done while never looking at the monstrous cash register AND having a conversation with the customer about the quality of their day, the weather, and perhaps their plans for the weekend.

I'm sure there's a more concise way to map out the job description of a "touch key professional," but I am wordy, so there you go.

Every once in awhile, mixed in with the cases of motor oil, economically priced clothing items, and assorted toiletries, a customer would bury a box of condoms. As was often the case during these types of transactions, as soon as my fingers would brush the box of Trojans, the customer would go silent and the remainder of our brief time together would involve me thinking "Heh, heh, heh!" in my 16 year old, I love Shane mind.

Sometimes I'd also think about George Michael. Not so much in those tight shorts in the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go video, but more like in the Everything She Wants clip. You know that part when he's laying naked under that sheet? Yeah. That George Michael. Because I didn't realize. And the album was called "Make It Big," and that would make me think "Heh, heh, heh," too. And I was 16. So give me a break.

Anyway, this wall of condom-induced silence would happened every single time someone purchased condoms from me at Target. Every time!

Once, wanting to forgo the silence, I'm sure, a group of teenage boys stole an assortment of condoms, and their hasty retreat from Target was being matched by security personnel who were running behind them. One of the guards yelled for me to block the thieves' way by standing in front of the door (Nice. Apparently I looked like a linebacker in high school. This still hurts me.). I gauged the speed at which this cops and robbers brigade was bearing down on me, quickly multiplied it by how much money Target was paying me to stand at the express lane next to Shane, and decided that being Tubbs to the guards' Crockett really wasn't my thing.

Anyway, this story is getting hella long, so let's cut to present day. If you've been to Target, you know there's no longer any class system as regal as that of the "touch key professional." Cashiers don't have to know any codes, or attempt to ring and bag with their opposing hands, and hell, if you get the sullen teenager, you don't have to engage in witty bon mots with them. I'll admit, while there's a level of efficiency to this current system, it does make me long for the old days. Happily, I got a taste of them last night!

Last night, I ventured to Target as part of a date with my MILF labeling pastor's wife girlfriend, and OMG, how the mighty moral have fallen! Just before closing time, she took me by the hand and led me to the pharmacy aisle teeming with condoms and various aids, grabbed a Durex Play Vibrations, and cheered "This does a damn good gob!", and then we totally made out until the Target staff turned the lights off and walked by us a lot, clearing their throats, and telling us they closed 20 minutes ago.

The end.

Wait! You skipped a page in this Choose Your Own Adventure story!

Not wanting to scare my wild friend into knowing the cache of various, no doubt stronger items available to me in my nightstand drawer (yet!), I said I'd buy one and see if she was right. "Be sure you mention your husband a lot with the cashier so she doesn't think we're going to use this together after you pay," my friend said. "You're ruining the fantasy, as well as the inevitable long blog post I'll write about this evening," I pouted, tossing in a package of personal lubricant in m cart to really drive whatever point I had and lost home. As luck would have it, we got the cashier who was happy to engage us in clever banter to close out her evening.

"Look like someone's going to be having a good night tonight!" she said.

"Her husband! Well, and her! She is! She's going to have the good time tonight! With her husband!" my friend said.

And for the next two minutes, the cashier and I bantered about my sex life, and I went on and on about how my Tool Man is going to be gone all next week, and I need to store up, and hey, if this vibrating ring works as fantastically as my friend over there says, I'll come back and let you know, blah, blah, blah, oh, and hey, what do you think of George Michael?

I got home 20 minutes later, planted a kiss on Tool Man, and pulled out the Durex Play Vibrations from the bag, and told him it was on (at least for 20 minutes, which is apparently the lifespan of the Durex Play Vibrations, to which I say "Seriously? Just 20 minutes? You clearly don't know me, Durex!"), and told him to get upstairs and be ready for me.

Then I went to open the package AND THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT!!!!

Nothing!

Shoplifters foiled my fun!!

(Actually, they didn't completely because, like my blog posts, it took me awhile to get over the irony I felt, make a phone call to my friend and tell her, talk to her for 30 more minutes after that, AND then go upstairs, which, by that time, was filled with the contented snores of my Tool Man)

So now? Now I have to take my empty Durex Play Vibrations back to Target and have another conversation about how shoplifters are hurting not only the economy but my sex life (or lack thereof at this particular moment). I'm pretty sure when I talk to the employee manning the customer service counter, they're going to be thinking "Heh, heh, heh," when I tell them the box was empty when I bought it.

And then I'm going to ask if they'd like to sing Careless Whisper with me.

Labels:

49 Comments:

Blogger Will said...

I stopped reading at, "and then we totally made out until the Target staff turned the lights off and walked by us a lot, clearing their throats, and telling us they closed 20 minutes ago."

"Dear Penthouse Forums," indeed. ;)

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger jenboglass said...

Wow. Girl on girl action, stolen condoms, Target. These are the things dreams are made of. Well, for me it's just Target. But I bet all the men out there appreciate the Katy Perry moment. I think God is trying to tell you something the empty box. Either he wants you to have another child or he would prefer you use another brand.

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Undomestic Diva said...

OMG. I have to get me some of those new fangled condoms. As for Candy Ass and I, we're all for the pull-and-pray method and frankly, neither of us is religious.

YEAAAAH.

And while this is no comparison, the other day I went to Target to get some tampons and my 3 year old sat in the cart trying to balance them on his head the whole time. COULD YOU PLEASE JUST PUT THOSE MUTHA FUCKAS DOWN!?!?!

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, it ain't just condoms that generates the Great Wall of Silence at the checkout counter. If I've ever bought a bra for Molly, or, uh, feminine hygeine products, it can happen. Altho, yeah, the effect ain't necessarily as pronounced as if condoms were the item in question. Molly wants no part, ever, in pushing any kind of 'intimate lubrication' thru the scanner, either.

And, I don't know, but I'm not sure that the 16-year-old Molly would have quite made the double-E association with 'Make it Big'. Perhaps I've overly idealized her. . .

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Motor oil and condoms sounds like an interesting combination - for non-smokers only, of course...

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

Point (or lack thereof) notwithstanding, this was just immensely entertaining. Tragically, the empty box "gotcha" at the end prevents me from being able to make the clever "so it wasn't a radiation vibe you were groovin' on" comment that popped into my head while I was reading.

(Umm... I guess that should be "almost prevents me." But let's not quibble over details.)

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

I never get to be in the posts where there is making out involved.

Oh. When you said "George Michael" you totally meant "Backpacking Dad", right? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

Well, you threatened to mention Hanson, and didn't, which is a plus.

But the Wham! thing? Cold.

I have to say you made up for that elsewhere though ...

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I was in high school, stopping by Jewel to pick up some supplies for *ahem* later. My purchases?

Orange tic-tacs, whipped cream, and condoms. EXCEPT I GRABBED THE WRONG BOX OF CONDOMS. One was cheap, one was expensive. I was poor, so I had to run back to grab the cheaper box as the ancient cashier glared at me.

Damn kids.

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

OMG. Save yourself now DKOG!
I bought one of those and it totally sucked. SUCKED I say!!! Just get your money back now.
and for the record, I would so love to be there when you explain how you opened the package and you got nothin'. MMhmmhmm. Riggght lady. But it can't be worse than me returning tampons that are tooo big. (cause I did that..and they were...and they hurt...and if you've never shoved..well nevermind that...I got sidetracked...)

Yeah so...good luck gettin' your swurve on and oh yeah! was that the minister's wife buyin' condoms? Why would a wife need to buy condoms? Freaky deaky's fo' sho.

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Well, I buy the condoms in our house, since I'm the shopper of all things. And one time I got home and saw that the expiration date had passed, so I marched right back in there to return them. I hate being ripped off more than I hate to be embarrassed.
Let us know what happens, FADKOG!

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

Luckily for me, I never buy condoms only because I'm gay. But they do have those dental dams, that umm, are GOD AWFUL----just as good as a fricken fruit roll up. At least they taste better.

Anyways, I used to work for K-Mart and I never ever knew that Hasdic men bought condoms. I thought otherwise, you know? The "clientele" sometimes surprises ya. ;)

This video was perfect for your post!

I enjoyed reading this, I hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll!

Cheers!

Friday, September 19, 2008 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Laggin said...

Ok, I am totally stiffling the LOL urge because my 14-year-old is here and I'm not in the 'splaining mood. Funny stuff.

Friday, September 19, 2008 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Wow, choose your own adventure. There were some good times. Not as good as the whole vibrations thing, but still.

Friday, September 19, 2008 1:27:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

(blond joke) (don’t get mad at ME blondies! get mad at the MAN.)
Husband is going on a long business trip and since he doesn’t want his wife to go without her daily orgasm (lucky girl), he buys her a nifty vibrator.

He gives it to her and says ‘enjoy while I’m gone!’

He calls to check on her and asks how she’s enjoying the vibrator.
She says “Okay, but I broke a tooth!”

PARAM PAHM!

Friday, September 19, 2008 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

Shoplifters sure no how to ruin a good time. Little embarassed punks.

I bought my first box of condoms from a kid younger than me who scanned them then started giggling. And I was all, "Safe sex is better than no sex." Which shut him up.

Friday, September 19, 2008 2:02:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I too had a ginormous crush on hot George Michael he was so hot.

Friday, September 19, 2008 2:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Sam (The Edge Of Insanity) said...

That's why I love stores with self check-out... it's way less embarrassing. I don't have to explain anything that goes on in my bedroom to the snickering cashier, but occasionally I will trade a little witty banter with the person behind me and tell them things I wouldn't tell my mother. Sometimes it gets a little uncomfortable when it's an older couple who probably haven't had sex since the Eisenhower administration, but I do it anyway, ya' know... just for fun.

Friday, September 19, 2008 2:24:00 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

We can't buy those here in my part of the Bible Belt (Alabama). Sex toys are against the law...but we can get condoms! I would like to try one though...with a woman...any volunteers?

Friday, September 19, 2008 2:34:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

what the fuck chuck?

against the law? dude. you need to pack your shit and get the fuck out...

and take slick with ya.

Friday, September 19, 2008 4:13:00 PM  
Blogger Lollie said...

Vibratus Interruptus

Friday, September 19, 2008 4:34:00 PM  
Blogger Pronto said...

a little bit of everything in this post.

hilarious.

you rock, girl.....

Friday, September 19, 2008 4:50:00 PM  
Blogger Jenybean said...

Great story.

(Is that a box of condoms)

*falls silent*

(Comment over)

Friday, September 19, 2008 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bekah said...

oh wow.

just...wow.

Friday, September 19, 2008 8:08:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

You're giving your friend quite an education. Hope she appreciates it as much as we do.

Friday, September 19, 2008 9:13:00 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

Came here from Chuck's blog. You totally crack me up. Your writing is hysterical!

.. and my FAVORITE-IST boyfriend in high school's name was Shane, too. Truth be told, I'd still do him. LOL. Shane is such a hot name, isn't it?

Nice to meet ya. I blogrolled you!

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:17:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

My hubs is a cyclist and he discovered a while ago that maxipads work great for keeping his taint cushioned while he rides. (That sentence sounded naughty but really it wasn't.) Because I am a 12-year-old boy at heart, I find his maxi pad usage terribly funny, and every time we're at Target when we pass the tampons and maxipads aisle I say, very loudly, "Hey, honey, here are the MAXI PADS. Didn't you say earlier that you needed some MAXI PADS? I know you like to use MAXI PADS and I wouldn't wnat you to RUN OUT OF MAXI PADS."

P.S. I swear this must be flashback week. I'm loving it.

Friday, September 19, 2008 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I never thought it could happen to me....
Lust! Lust, I say!

Saturday, September 20, 2008 4:40:00 AM  
Blogger Gina said...

this is too funny , i enjoyed every second reading this post! the video was hysterical

Saturday, September 20, 2008 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Your Target employee story reminded me of when I used to work at a grocery store in high school (I too was a touch key profession -- and knew all of the produce codes by heart!). I never in all my days there sold any condoms, yet we could never keep them in stock. Hmmmm.....

Saturday, September 20, 2008 7:14:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

This is seriously the best post I've read in a long time.
First, what church do you go to? I totally want to sign up. This is my kind of worship.

Saturday, September 20, 2008 9:15:00 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

That was a fantastic read. And I'm sure Durex will thank you for the increase in sales this week.

Saturday, September 20, 2008 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Told ya so - she is chanting Penis, and is just breaking you in for the shock and awe of it all.

Me thinks she has the wrong impression of you, and has taken on the educator role. Pastors wife or not, this little number is ready to go full on girl with you!

Maybe she is listening to Katy too much!

Saturday, September 20, 2008 9:38:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I love this post for so, so many reasons, too many to get into. My favorite? "Careless Whisper" was playing on the radio when I lost my virginity. I thought it was sooooo romantic. Then "Jungle Love" came on.
Yeah. Oway oway oh.

You are amazing.

Saturday, September 20, 2008 10:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Redneck Mommy said...

Why the hell am I not mentioned in a post involving women making out, Target and vibrating sex toys?

You keep saying you love me, yet I see no signs of this...

And heh...I can't believe you didn't check the box before you bought it. Such an amateur.

Saturday, September 20, 2008 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Too funny!

I used to work at Consumers Distributing and we sold a vibrator labeled a neck vibrator, but it was the most phallic thing I'd ever seen. I used to get a kick asking people if they wanted rechargeable batteries with it.

Saturday, September 20, 2008 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Pronto said...

That's funny. I used to work at Consumers Distributing too, too many years ago to publicly admit,

back then when they put the pretty girls up front,
and the pimply teenage boys in the back to pick the orders,

and i remember how we used to gather around to see who had order catalogue # 407-122, the very item mandy describes above,

crap, now i'm stuck with weird flashbacks for the rest of the night.......

Sunday, September 21, 2008 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

What a tease! Target! You bastahds!

Sunday, September 21, 2008 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Oh how I wish I could hear that conversation...

Sunday, September 21, 2008 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

oh, this so reminds me of days of yore when i worked at the K-Mart as a check out beeotch during the christmas holidays of 1995. I got bitch slapped while working the 5 items or less lane because GASP! i allowed someone through with SIX god forsaken items. people are so anal about that stuff sometimes!

anyways, funny as hell blog post!!


have a great week, my dear!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008 6:55:00 PM  
Anonymous LilSass said...

Love this post. I recently saw The George in concert and I fell head over heels in love with him. However, funny that you post this .. . he was just arrested for drug violation AGAIN! *sigh* Oh George...

Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Will - Consider this one of those "letters only" editions they put out!

jenboglass - This is perhaps Trojans way of making me stay brand loyal. I imagine they dispatch a representative to all my area Targets.

Undomestic diva - Since we're sharing, and are friends, I'll tell you that Tool Man and I are typically practictioners of "The Greatest American Hero" method of birth control - riding along on a wing and a prayer. :)

Des - I fear, as I consider my life up to this point, that pretty much the majority of it has been spent trying to fit a 'double e' into all situations!

Brian - 'twas the glory years of Target.

twobusy - Feel free to toss in Fountains of Wayne lyrics around here as often as you feel necessary!

BP Dad - Totally. As if you had to wonder! ;)

Chris Wood - I believe that's what's called a 'bait and switch'!

Aunt Becky - That shopping list? That shopping list screams ROMANCE!

kimmy - Dear lord, that was a hilarious post/warning! I'm what you might call an "industrial grade power" kinda girl, so I had a feeling this thing wasn't going to do much for me, so perhaps you and the vibrator gods have teamed up to help me! For that, I thank you!

Cocotte - I've had that happen to me, too! Only the condoms were in my nightstand drawer, and we never used any. They just had been there for a couple years. I can't tell you how irritated I was at the waste of that money!

Deb - I'd have never guessed about that shopper, either! Thank you for the ad, too. I'm coming over your way as soon as I can!

laggin - Heh! You have to pick your battles, and your explaining. I understand!

Heinous - I think those particular type of Choose Your Own Adventure books are at different types of bookstores. They all seem to end the same way, though!

Bee - Is this from your newly released comedy CD? :)

Meg - I shall now dream of being in the same type of situation you described so I can use this most perfect of come backs!

Bee - Damn if I've always kinda had a thing for the gay guys!

Sam - Half the time, I can never get those damn self checkouts to work right, and then I'm stuck with the apathetic store clerk who just watches as I try to scan my box of condoms (of what have you) over and over and over again!

Chuck - That used to be the case here, too, until recently. Now, apparently, it's a subtle sex toy free for all!

kimmy - He needs to stock up when he's on the road!

Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:37:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

People, here is where I am again going to tell you I'll be back to finish these. Want to know why?

OK, I'll tell you -

Tool Man just went upstairs to go to bed, but then, like 6 minutes later, he comes to the top of the stairs and is all, "So...you coming to bed?" and, well, when you have someone asking you if you're coming to bed, especially if that someone is rated R for brief nudity, you go up to bed.

I'll return to you tomorrow over my bowl of granola.

Unless you tell me right now that you, too, are rated R, but I'll have to resist, because, while I'm all 'heh, heh, heh,' most of the time, this ain't that kinda place.

Heh...

Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:41:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Lollie - Ha! Perfect!

Pronto - I tend to go on rambly tangents. Thanks for coming over!

jenybean - Thank you. Glad you came over, too!

bekah - I know. Oh, I know!

zip n tizzy - She's really starting to take bloom, I believe.

becky - Thanks for coming over and for blogrolling me. Shane is, indeed, an incredibly hot name. I've seen my h.s. crush periodically over the years. These days he's more warm than hot, but aren't we all!

bejewell - Were I in your shoes, I swear to you, I'd do the very same thing!

Savage - Heh... ;)

Gina - Thank you! Glad you dropped in. Thanks for the comment!

Madame Queen - I think the condom area of any store that sells them morphs into the Bermuda Circle from time to time!

Shonda - Heh...I think it's called the Church of I Should Be Paying More Attention to the Sermon.

Sherry - Whatever I can do to help out in these troubled economic times, I'll do! Appreciate you coming over!

Lori - Things have taken an interesting twist, for sure. Perhaps we'll go on some tame version of Thelma and Louise one of these days!

That girl... - I lost my virginity to Vixen's "Edge of a Broken Heart". This proved to be both a lame soundtrack to some then-boring sex, but it would also be quite the prophecy! And you? You are MORE amazing!

redneck mommy - You're like the sun and the moon to me! I imagine you could teach me like the master jedi of online shopping you are! Heh!

Mandy - I think there should have been an award for the employee who sold the most neck vibrators!

Pronto - What a small world, and how impressive you can still recall the catalogue number!

Merecat - Target totally blocked me!

Bogart - It involved a great deal of giggling and perhaps one or two 'high five' slaps.

katie - I respect your mad cash register skills at the big Mart!

lilsass - George, George, George. Why can't he do it, why can't he set his monkey free...

Monday, September 22, 2008 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

Oh darn, I was so hoping to find out if those vibrating condoms actually work good. I saw some of those at Walmart the other day and almost bought some.

When you return to Target and get some for real, be sure to follow up with a review.

Monday, September 22, 2008 9:02:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Look at me, I'm three days late. Have mercy and forgive my indiscretions, please.

I'm buying condoms all the time, and I always like to make sure I have the oddest combinations of items to go along with them.

Laundry detergent.
Pencils.
Shredded cheese.
Multivitamins.
Socks.
Condoms.

Makes perfect sense.

And I just had to finally break down and buy a new bottle of Astroglide. Our last bottle was purchased sometime in 2005, so now we know that one bottle = 3 years.

I've never checked to see if our local Targets carry these vibro-whatchamacallits though...

Monday, September 22, 2008 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

hell, "make it big" still makes me giggle. Vibe on girl! ;)

Monday, September 22, 2008 9:22:00 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

OK - if you can get yourself to Portland, Maine, I have the best sex shop in the world that we can go and browse and giggle and kiss. And nothing gets shoplifted because the casual thief is to embarassed to go in there.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 6:58:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Tulip - I have a feeling that that thing is going to be five bucks not well spent.

ftn - You'd clearly have been my dream customer, what with your shopping cart filled with wonderful randomness. And also because it was you. Awww! I know!

As you might imagine, as I'm sure you have, my nightstand drawer is packed with bottles of various amounts and vibro-whatchamacallits.

chat blanc - Makes me want giggle AND punch someone in the shoulder and see if they 'get it,' too!

manager mom - Browsing, giggling and kissing?! AND sex toy shopping?! I'm checking flight availability NOW!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:50:00 AM  

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