the best laid plans...
When last we left the beautiful princess and her handsome prince, they were delighting in the freedom that awaited their arrival in the mysterious land of Kansas City, Mo., for a brief weekend of mirth and merriment. In the days leading up to their departure, the kingdom was ablaze with much glee and jovial tweaking of various tweaky parts.
A new day dawned shiny with potential on Saturday, and the beautiful princess and her handsome prince made haste to the carriage of love that waited to take them on their journey. Join us now as we meet up with the beautiful princess and her handsome prince upon their arrival in the mysterious land of Kansas City, Mo., and their grand entrance into their room at the charming Holiday Inn Express in Lee's Summit....
"There's a run down and abandoned restaurant outside our window, which, if there's no screen here, takes us right out onto the roof. You know what that means, don't you?" I asked, nay purred.
(In case you were confused, I was playing the part of the beautiful princess. Oh! See? Now you get it! You know who's the handsome prince, right? That's right! My Tool Man!)(Relax, Backpacking Dad. You know you're totally a prince in my mind!)(Or had I not told you that yet? Sorry...)(You totally are)
"It means we have to drive a bit if we get hungry and want to eat somewhere, and we have an easy way out in the event of a fire!" Tool Man, responded.
"You are so romantic. I must make out with you now! Quick, fast, and in a hurry!" I cried.
Kissing and various forms of making out commenced, and twas delightful
(sidebar - did you people know that Holiday Inn no longer has bedspreads on the guest beds? I didn't, and when I discovered this, I was tempted to cease kissing on my Tool Man to make a hearty 'Kudos to you, Holiday Inn!' call to the front desk. Tool Man said they removed them to cut down on having to waste so much water and electricity washing and drying them. I say they removed them because they know I don't wish to lie down on the leftovers of those who have, in some cases quite literally, come before me.)
Back to making out. There is kissing and more kissing. There may have been a few other things. OK, yes, there totally was. "About that window thing," I whispered. "I meant we could totally have sex out on the roof!"
(because sex on some nasty concrete littered with the carcasses of dead bugs and the droppings of many birds apparently skeeves me out less than human leftovers, and I didn't realize this about myself until Saturday afternoon at approximately 4:10 p.m. Central Time)
"I know what you meant," Tool Man replied. "But just a second. Do you hear that? I hear something"
"Just the beating of my heart as it taps out it's erotic serenade for you," I said (though I totally didn't, because seriously? That is so awesomely lame I'd have been unable to say it without falling off the bed, laughing, and while I'm glad that the beds at Holiday Inn Express are now 85 percent less skeevy, I can't vouch for the floors. At least the one in Lee's Summit, Mo.)
"I don't think we're alone," Tool Man said.
"We're totally alone! This whole weekend is about getting to be alone!" I cried. "Now, kiss me some more!"
"No," he countered. "I think an interloper lurks in our midst. Someone or something meaning to impede on our frivolity."
"Fine. I'll get up and investigate," I sighed, and padded off to the door to see if someone might be there. "There's no one here," I yelled back while scanning the hallways left, right, then left again. "We're totally alone. We have an hour. Let us commence alone time now!"
And that's when I heard it, too. A tiny voice, but one that was packed with enthusiasm.
"HEY! It's me! How are you!? It's been a long time since I've been in Kansas City, too, so I figured I'd surprise you and tag along! WOO HOO!! I know, I know. You weren't expecting me. I figured I'd sneak up on you and totally surprise you! Wait! Did I interrupt something? Whoa! Wow! Tool Man really needs a little sun maybe. Cripes, you're really into this pale thing, aren't you? His chest his pretty damn white. HOLD UP! You're into that? Wow! And wow, I DID interrupt something, didn't I? I totally did! Hey, my bad, man. I know you're probably totally unprepared to have me just show up down here and find you, but I was so hyped when I heard you were coming that I said, 'Self, how's 'bout we remind our old pal here about the good times we have together and just show up and be all 'SURPRISE!!'. Whattaya say?' Did it work? Did I surprise you? So here we are. Here you are. There's Tool Man over there. Heh. And you twos wanted to be alone together. Ha! How's 'bout we go get something to eat, yeah?"
Who showed up to surprise us, you ask?
MY FLIPPING PERIOD!!!
Just fourteen days (!!!!)(WTF???) after coming around the last time. AND talking like gangster goon from a Martin Scorsese movie, no less!
Tool Man assured me it was fine as I collapsed in a heap of instant onset PMS-related tears. Then he told me to roll over, grabbed the television remote from where I'd collapsed, and we did what I predicted we would as a clever and slightly humorous blog post capper to last Friday's tale. We watched free HBO (which wasn't the only thing that sucked about the weekend in the end...heh, heh, heh...oh, I heart you, double entendre! SWAK!), but wasn't exactly the happy ending I had in mind.
So, what have we learned here, ladies and gentlemen? We've learned the following:
- Knock on wood after announcing to the world my intent to get lucky with my husband in a mid-range, economical hotel
- Schedule an appointment with my ob/gyn to find out WTH I'm having another period within 2 weeks of my previous one
- I will kick someone's ass if I have another period in September. More so for real than I normally would while in the throes of my actual expected cycle
- This post serves as my replies to all of you who graciously commented below with your virtual high fives and wishes of good luck in the getting lucky department
- I perhaps built this post up as something far more hilarious to FTN while chatting with him Sunday evening
- But I do not think so, because sometimes I come back to these posts and crack up, then look around to be sure no one saw me
- If you're ever looking to do a hotel tour in honor of famous deaths, ala the Hotel Chelsea and a moment of silence for Sid and Nancy, the demise of the grand plans I had for my Tool Man took place in Room 219 of the Holiday Inn Express in Lee' Summit. It's around the corner from an animal hospital and across from an empty restaurant. Can't miss it.