the best laid plans...
When last we left the beautiful princess and her handsome prince, they were delighting in the freedom that awaited their arrival in the mysterious land of Kansas City, Mo., for a brief weekend of mirth and merriment. In the days leading up to their departure, the kingdom was ablaze with much glee and jovial tweaking of various tweaky parts.
A new day dawned shiny with potential on Saturday, and the beautiful princess and her handsome prince made haste to the carriage of love that waited to take them on their journey. Join us now as we meet up with the beautiful princess and her handsome prince upon their arrival in the mysterious land of Kansas City, Mo., and their grand entrance into their room at the charming Holiday Inn Express in Lee's Summit....
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"There's a run down and abandoned restaurant outside our window, which, if there's no screen here, takes us right out onto the roof. You know what that means, don't you?" I asked, nay purred.
(In case you were confused, I was playing the part of the beautiful princess. Oh! See? Now you get it! You know who's the handsome prince, right? That's right! My Tool Man!)(Relax, Backpacking Dad. You know you're totally a prince in my mind!)(Or had I not told you that yet? Sorry...)(You totally are)
"It means we have to drive a bit if we get hungry and want to eat somewhere, and we have an easy way out in the event of a fire!" Tool Man, responded.
"You are so romantic. I must make out with you now! Quick, fast, and in a hurry!" I cried.
Kissing and various forms of making out commenced, and twas delightful
(sidebar - did you people know that Holiday Inn no longer has bedspreads on the guest beds? I didn't, and when I discovered this, I was tempted to cease kissing on my Tool Man to make a hearty 'Kudos to you, Holiday Inn!' call to the front desk. Tool Man said they removed them to cut down on having to waste so much water and electricity washing and drying them. I say they removed them because they know I don't wish to lie down on the leftovers of those who have, in some cases quite literally, come before me.)
Back to making out. There is kissing and more kissing. There may have been a few other things. OK, yes, there totally was. "About that window thing," I whispered. "I meant we could totally have sex out on the roof!"
(because sex on some nasty concrete littered with the carcasses of dead bugs and the droppings of many birds apparently skeeves me out less than human leftovers, and I didn't realize this about myself until Saturday afternoon at approximately 4:10 p.m. Central Time)
"I know what you meant," Tool Man replied. "But just a second. Do you hear that? I hear something"
"Just the beating of my heart as it taps out it's erotic serenade for you," I said (though I totally didn't, because seriously? That is so awesomely lame I'd have been unable to say it without falling off the bed, laughing, and while I'm glad that the beds at Holiday Inn Express are now 85 percent less skeevy, I can't vouch for the floors. At least the one in Lee's Summit, Mo.)
"I don't think we're alone," Tool Man said.
"We're totally alone! This whole weekend is about getting to be alone!" I cried. "Now, kiss me some more!"
"No," he countered. "I think an interloper lurks in our midst. Someone or something meaning to impede on our frivolity."
"Fine. I'll get up and investigate," I sighed, and padded off to the door to see if someone might be there. "There's no one here," I yelled back while scanning the hallways left, right, then left again. "We're totally alone. We have an hour. Let us commence alone time now!"
And that's when I heard it, too. A tiny voice, but one that was packed with enthusiasm.
"HEY! It's me! How are you!? It's been a long time since I've been in Kansas City, too, so I figured I'd surprise you and tag along! WOO HOO!! I know, I know. You weren't expecting me. I figured I'd sneak up on you and totally surprise you! Wait! Did I interrupt something? Whoa! Wow! Tool Man really needs a little sun maybe. Cripes, you're really into this pale thing, aren't you? His chest his pretty damn white. HOLD UP! You're into that? Wow! And wow, I DID interrupt something, didn't I? I totally did! Hey, my bad, man. I know you're probably totally unprepared to have me just show up down here and find you, but I was so hyped when I heard you were coming that I said, 'Self, how's 'bout we remind our old pal here about the good times we have together and just show up and be all 'SURPRISE!!'. Whattaya say?' Did it work? Did I surprise you? So here we are. Here you are. There's Tool Man over there. Heh. And you twos wanted to be alone together. Ha! How's 'bout we go get something to eat, yeah?"
Who showed up to surprise us, you ask?
MY FLIPPING PERIOD!!!
I KNOW!!!
Just fourteen days (!!!!)(WTF???) after coming around the last time. AND talking like gangster goon from a Martin Scorsese movie, no less!
Tool Man assured me it was fine as I collapsed in a heap of instant onset PMS-related tears. Then he told me to roll over, grabbed the television remote from where I'd collapsed, and we did what I predicted we would as a clever and slightly humorous blog post capper to last Friday's tale. We watched free HBO (which wasn't the only thing that sucked about the weekend in the end...heh, heh, heh...oh, I heart you, double entendre! SWAK!), but wasn't exactly the happy ending I had in mind.
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So, what have we learned here, ladies and gentlemen? We've learned the following:
- Knock on wood after announcing to the world my intent to get lucky with my husband in a mid-range, economical hotel
- Schedule an appointment with my ob/gyn to find out WTH I'm having another period within 2 weeks of my previous one
- I will kick someone's ass if I have another period in September. More so for real than I normally would while in the throes of my actual expected cycle
- This post serves as my replies to all of you who graciously commented below with your virtual high fives and wishes of good luck in the getting lucky department
- I perhaps built this post up as something far more hilarious to FTN while chatting with him Sunday evening
- But I do not think so, because sometimes I come back to these posts and crack up, then look around to be sure no one saw me
- If you're ever looking to do a hotel tour in honor of famous deaths, ala the Hotel Chelsea and a moment of silence for Sid and Nancy, the demise of the grand plans I had for my Tool Man took place in Room 219 of the Holiday Inn Express in Lee' Summit. It's around the corner from an animal hospital and across from an empty restaurant. Can't miss it.
Labels: if you go a million miles away I'll track you down girl
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 9:20 PM
58 Comments:
oh dear.
you totally jinxed yourself.
but it's just blood and who cares if it runs down your leg....
ha! i'm kidding. that's what jamie would say...not the kidding part...the part about who cares-it's just blood.
yeah. he's a real romantic one that jamie. dont be jealous.
Proof positive that even the best laid plans can be torn asunder. :hehe: I said "laid." Get it, that's a double entendre too. Personally, I'm of the "Just Do It" camp and very little can stop this bug tub of man from "laying some pipe."
Not only will we be carpooling to therapy together, I'll save ya' a seat at the ob/gyn... I have the same damn thing. PMS 2 weeks out of the month is a bitch, and makes me quite scary to live with.
Oofta, that totally sucks. I know it's happened to me on more than one occasion and sent me running for the nearest vending machine for chocolate and orange juice.
Did you at least get to catch up on your sleep? With a 6 month old at home, I'm more jealous of someone getting more than 3 straight hours of sleep than I am of anyone who gets to do the horiontal happy dance. I'm totally jealous right now thinking about a bed I wouldn't have to make and a full night with no sleep interruptions.
Ouch. Having just spent the labor day weekend with my wife's period, we can sympathize.
Of course, we can also understand how it perhaps didn't totally suck, but some parts may have. Or, umm-
Ahem
Hope you enjoyed the HBO :)
FADKOG sucked??
OH! I'm sorry -- HBO sucked! I get my acronyms and double entendres mixed up ALL the time.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF OUR TWEETS FROM SUNDAY. I guess the legs WERE in the crossed position!
O.K. First – " Jinx" I'm sorry my blog post shares the same title as yours, but really I didn't know, until arriving here a minute ago, and since you've already commented on my post and seemed unconcerned, I'm going to take that as a go and not change my title.
Second – Damn! I'm SO sorry about your unexpected guest. That does Suck... Ahem...!
Third – I share your revulsion to the idea of what's come before, per se, on hotel beds... guess I've never truly traveled in luxury.
I hope you don't get cursed with every 14 days. There was a period in my life where I was too. It's no fun.
O.K. I'm done with the puns and the double entents.
Hope you guys get your moment soon!
I've just read Will's comment... I meant double entedre... Where's my editor?
Oh well, it gave you a chance to come back refreshed and rested instead of bleary-eyed and exhausted...
my condolences....
You have lived my worst fear (going away with hubby once every X number of years and having that happen). Glad you lived to tell about it. And I'm truly sorry.
I cannot believe that roof just went to waste. You should have changed rooms with someone.
"Knock-knock, strangers. Want to switch rooms so you can have sex on the roof? No? Oh, you're here on business? And you're brothers? Well, never mind then."
I have to admit this avoidance of ya'll's still mystifies me. I mean, you're married. there's a nice bathroom with hot water ready to gush out of the pipes any time right there. towels to put underneath you.
of course everyone has their own foibles, quirks, and preferences...maybe it's better for the waiting? the knowing that you can't have it all the time?
I hope so, for both your sakes'!
Before someone says it, and people, I must admit, I'm a wee bit disappointed no one has of yet, let it be known that 'knocking on wood' makes a fantastic double entendre, and my Tool Man is a fan.
haha always comes at the worst times doesnt it!
"Just the beating of my heart as it taps out it's erotic serenade for you" -- I loved this! I laughed out loud..at work..they already think im insane so no big deal there though!
Oh jeez, that sucks!
LOL @ the Bloggess and LOL@ "Knock on Wood"
Yay for HBO...
I, also, am a fan of people knocking on my wood. Well, not too hard. Maybe a light tap.
And was I supposed to read that creepy period-paragraph in a gangster goon voice? Because honestly, I just went back and did it all Pesci-like, and it's just plain weird.
You know, I've heard for years that the Holiday Inn Express in Lee's Summit, MO is the sexiest place on earth -- kind of a Disney World d'amour.
(wiping away a tear)
Dammit... is there nothing in this world you can believe in?
Not nearly enough f-bombs there for a Pesci-style reading. . .
But then, I suppose the lack of f***ing was sorta the whole point of the post, wasn't it?
This reminds me of a couple years ago, when Molly's aunt made her appearance as we were leaving for Midnight Mass, thus pre-empting the Christmas, uh, celebration we had planned. . .
Oh that just blows!!! I'm glad you could find some humor in it. I'd still be kind of bent.
But you were at a Holiday Inn Express. I thought you could do anything when you stay at the Holiday Inn Express. They totally lie.
Ouch... so sorry to hear that.
Better luck next time??
i have three letters for you, love.
i.
u.
d.
= NO periods.
ever.
Damn! If I'm not getting laid (hello, pregnancy!), I expect everyone in the world to be getting laid.
Fuckballs.
Ive been in that same situation before. Well, not the having a period part, but you know...I'm so sorry things didn't work out as y'all had planned. It may have not been a total win/win but at least your husband got a consolation prize!
you know when you have internet and then it goes out for 3 days and it pisses you off cuz you just want to get on -- that's kind of like a period
DIRTY WEEKEND DENIED!
To continue on the theme you started with your previous post, we are all just prisoners here of our own device.
Aunt Flo is a total bitch.
I'm so sorry! You've been hit by my luck - or effed up hormones. My period has a nasty sense of humor and no idea how to read a calendar just like that, so I know exactly what you experienced. Though I would have gone ahead with the nookie, knowing I wouldn't have to wash the sheets and towels afterward. (Okay, I would at least rinse the towels and hopefully a couple towels would keep the sheets from any need of rinsing.
Hugs, hon.
Am I petty and small to be glad that this happens to other people, too?
GAH!
That rat bastard! I'd absolutely offer to beat it up for you, but, well, that could be difficult. If I could, though, I'd absolutely bitch slap the hell out of your period for interrupting your whoopie.
At least I'd hold your purse while you bitch slapped it.
Oh bummer.
Thanks to birth control, mine have been pretty much like clockwork, and only 3-4 days long.
I haven't gotten into period sex either, he says he wouldn't mind, but I don't think I would ever be able to get comfortable enough to enjoy myself.
But I know how you feel about being disappointed, I would be so mad that my one weekend away got ruined.
That was hawt.....until your "aunt" showed up. Damn that mother nature.
You are a girl after my own heart. I totally love sex stories, especially funny sex stories. My policy is to forge forward in the flow, if you're picking up what I'm laying down.
I'm laughing. I just can't help it.
I'm evil like that.
Plus I'm waaaaay younger than you. So I don't have to worry about the circus coming to town prematurely and irregularly.
heh.
Bummer. I am so sorry about your run of, um, bad luck. But this post was hilarious! At least your early visitor gave you divine inspiration. I am still laughing about "that's not the only thing that sucked..." Oh girl! You KILL me!!
oh man...that sucks!
eh....
I HATE when that happens. I thank the Big Guy every day that I no longer have a uterus (may she rest in peace) for just such reasons... while a "little visitor" 14 days apart, try having a "little visitor" for 17 weeks solid...
yeah...
talk about sucky!
now make that appointment!
Stacie
Sad to hear it. Happy to hear Tool man was okay with it. I had the same experience with my GF this weekend after not seeing her for 2 weeks her period decided to show up early. Although not as early as yours. Good job on getting it checked out.
oh man that is SUCH A DRAG! I can't believe that. And I was getting ALL excited, too.
Number of times I've been linked in a post that also obliquely referred to menstrual blood and blowjobs: 1
I think I can quit blogging now. There is nothing left to accomplish. This is the pinnacle.
I'm going to create a "Menstrual Blood and Blowjobs" award and give it out to people. It will be the best award out there. It's going to be rare and coveted. Screw Alltop: people are going to want to be linked on BloodJob.
Ok, I officially just went "ew" in my head and I can't stop thinking of my very disgusting friend from Tokyo who keeps using the expression "tampon-sucking good".
You. are. welcome.
Ugh! i hate it when this happens!! so sorry Diff Gal. but this was a tittilating post, none the less! and you are indeed the hot beautiful princess, albeit one with a maxi-pad, but hot as hell!
Don't worry, I'll strangle Redneck Mommy for you :)
BPing Dad...you made me gag. In fact, I'm still gagging.
FAKKOG, baby, I feel for you.
I love reading the comments as much as reading your posts!! Some made me gag and some made me laugh out loud!
Damn it, now I need a cold shower and a tampon.
Wow... ok so not the ending I was thinking (not that i am addicted to blogger porn ... lol ... no really) ... no really....
That sucks! Oh wait, that has been covered.
Bummer!
I am on Seasonal and have only 4 periods a year. Yay. But I am going to be 35 this year and have decided to get my tubes obliterated, and then may as well have my uterine lining obliterated as well. Ablation kicks ass.
Oh and btw, Holiday Inn stopped putting those blankets on the bed to save money from laundering them? You mean they claim they actually ever washed them to begin with? Pu-leaze. I throw those things right on the floor as soon as I get in the room. Gro-ty! We stayed at Disneyworld one year and there was dried blood on my comforter. I made them bring me a clean (haha) one and then I threw that one on the floor.
The timing belt of my "Sure Thing" virgin's car snapped while we were driving through Lee's Summit. Unfortunately, that is not a double entendre.
Sorry about that. I'm sure it was a good trip all around though.
Insane Mama just finished with her 'moon' (period)...but that never stops us anyway...well sometmes the attidude does.
Never complain about free HBO!!!!
Wonder Twin powers: Activate!
Every time Mr. Sweetypants and I check into a hotel, the painters come 'round!
Love and sympathy!
kimmy - Who couldn't help but love a man who shared the phrase 'doo doo babies' with the world! Ha!
Will - I can appreciate your take charge attitude!
browerfamily - Can we stop for ice cream after therapy? It helps during the PMS crying jags.
Chas - Oh, get this. As if to rub salt in the wound, I slept horribly, too! Awake every dang hour!
Sailor - Every once in awhile, HBO doesn't suck. This wasn't one of those times!
San Diego Momma - Heh, heh, heh! :)
Bee - Not as fun a position, I gotta say!
zip n tizzy - If this every two weeks things becomes the norm, it will be a jinxy place to live here, for sure. Also, if your editor is like mine, they're probably napping on the job!
Brian - Eh, the lack of sleep I got because I couldn't sleep nixed any hope of coming back refreshed!
Savage - Scooped up and taken all in, sir. :)
Cocotte - For now, I'll wait for him to rack up some more hotel points and see what happens.
Jenny, the Bloggess - Ha! Your idea is ingenious. I'm tucking it away for the inevitable time when this happens to me again!
1blueshi1 - Tool Man's a hot water hog, so I got that to contend with!
Me - I know, right?! Pity you didn't think of it when you were writing the post, huh?
bekah - Especially when it comes so unexpectedly! Freakin' Mother Nature!
Eternal Sunshine - I can count on HBO to show me movies I last saw when I was 14!
ftn - Maybe if you read it in your head as a French gangster, it would sound less creepy and far, far sexier. But probably not.
twobusy - Truly, nothing is sacred anymore. Also, I hear St. Joseph, Mo., is where the sexy is now. Or at least a Fudruckers.
Des - Notice how I sometimes talk about that f thing without ever saying the f word! Clever, eh?
Frances - I was too broken up with PMS tears to be too upset. Then I just wanted chocolate!
Caroline - They TOTALLY lie. Case in point: They say there will be bacon and/or sausage on the breakfast bar. Was there? NO! Thus, LIE!
Mandy - I'm raising a glass to next time!
ali - I'll consider anything at this point!
aunt becky - But...but...pregnancy sex is some of the best sex!!
Chuck - It's like going to the state fair and getting the small stuffed animal when you've been gunning for the big ugly one, but it'll do!
papatv - This may have been the most perfect, man-based analogy ever! Perfect!
Ms. Picket - A gigantic FAIL!
Patty - Ha! Perfect! Wish I would have thought of that when I was writing this!
Choppzs - Totally. A big one!
Bunny - The stopping point came in thinking about others who may or may not have done what we were considering, and having to sleep on the aftermath of the laundered sheets. Shortly after, Tool Man was asleep!
Loralee - Nope. You just have another member in the sisterhood!
Meg - I'd go in with a good couple of roundhouse kicks!
Tulips - It has it's place. It just didn't feel like that place was the Holiday Inn Express in Lee's Summitt!
Jen - Definitely damn Mother Nature!
Shonda - I've picked up on what you're saying a couple of time before!
Redneck Mommy - The circus better stop coming to town so many damn times in a row, or people are gonna be pissed and quit coming. Or...something like that!
April - I kill you? You're too kind! Ha!
Stacie - Gah! I'm knocking on wood...real wood...that 17 weeks straight doesn't become the norm around here!
Mike - Making the appointment is on my 'to do' list!
Merecat- Ha! So was I!
BP Dad - GAH! You totally made me gag a little bit! So, I guess, thank you? Also? What I said before...including on that cameo bit. I even have a title for the inevitable sequel!
Katie - Heh. Only after I had to go shopping!
Biscuit - If by strangle you mean hug, I want in on that action!
Christina Lee - These lovely people definitely ran the gamut for me!
Undomestic diva - Pretty damn sexy, eh?
Andrea - Definitely not the ending I'd planned, for sure!
Lori - Ha! I covered all the bases. It's just that they were covered in this post and not in reality!
Heather - OMG. OMG! DRIED BLOOD! Screw a new comforter! I'd have been all about a new room! OMG!
Always home - This clinches it. Lee's Summit, Mo., is the community of dreams!
Tentcamper - The trip, all in all, definitely had lots of high points.
That girl... - Not only do you charm me in so, so many ways, but you give me more tonight by giving me my new phrase with 'the painters show up.' I adore you and your witty ways!
You and your readers are far too clever for me. I'm just going to slink off to parts unknown now.
Claire - ONLY if you plan to slink back in sometime soon!!
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I have been resisting your charms but you keep sloooowly reeling me in. Alas, I am afraid I'm smittem. Biscuit warned me...
er... and smitten too.
Dammit summore!
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