things I think are the tits*
Hello, lovelies (...and my special someone who knows who they are. Wink!). I apologize for leaving all of you very creative people (and the hundreds of you who came around and were perhaps too busy, annoyed, scared, or overcome to want to leave a comment) since Sunday night, when I was all, "Haha! We should totally play a game!" Truth is, I've taken this week off of work to reclaim my house now that the kids are entrenched in their new school year (although, seriously, as of 3 p.m. Tuesday, my oldest has been in sixth grade for five days and they STILL haven't done anything!! I see this as both a pro and con. Con - I've handed over my kid and my cash. Start teaching! Pro - The lack of overall teaching means no homework yet, which is fantastic, because I spend much of my Internet time now trying to break either fade to numb or backpacking dad into admitting they crush on me to suddently have to turn my attention toward finding the solutions to sixth grade math problems. Math is Tool Man's domain, and he's gone for the rest of the week, so fingers crossed on middle school laziness!).
(good Lord, was that parenthetical comment long enough?! Sheesh!)
Anyway, I've taken this week off so I can clean the house (here's a math problem I solved instantly this afternoon when I stepped down into the basement: two boys + three months = OMG!!!) and, hopefully, enjoy some peace to read and catch up on things I've, regretfully, put off (if I owe you an email, I swear, I'll do my best!). Cleaning means I've filled bags and bags and bags of garbage so far this week. Bags and bags and bags. See where I'm going with this?
Yep, the thing I was encouraging Tool Man to shove in or take it out already was, indeed, an overflowing bag of kitchen garbage. Kudos to zip n tizzy (who guessed garbage by the third immediate comment, leaving me wondering "Huh. Well. Hmmm. Now what!?"), and to Brian and Mandy Lou, who pretty much backed up the first guess at it. All of you had some truly hilarious guesses, and it was a pleasure to see Matthew Broderick step up. I also enjoyed seeing so many new faces, and hope you'll come back out. I'd respond to all of you in comments, but basically, it would be a lot of me going "Hey! Great idea!" or "OMG! That's hilarious!", or, in the case of Undomestic Diva, "Oh, HELL NO! NO JAMMING!", so if you don't mind, combine those sentiments, then follow me to what will, finally, be the meat on the bones of this post (this is where you all stand, stretch, and cheer "Yeah! Finally! The BOOBS!" and I say "Hahaha, silly, silly you!") - a list of things I'm enamoured with of late, in no particular order, also known as:
- Muffins
- Belly dancing
- Cynical Dad's Thursday night Twitter Radio Show
- Bedtime for my kids
- Tide-To-Go stain sticks (sidebar: one of mine smells of ass, so, yes, I love it, but I hate it)
- Wearing my hair in pigtails
- Really fantastic salads
- Spaced ('ello, Simon Pegg)
- Attempting to persuade my Tool Man into seeing David Sedaris with me for our anniversary in October
- U2's Where The Streets Have No Name (bliss, bliss, bliss)
- Zombies
- Goatees (again)(still)
- Australian accents
- Sleeping with the windows open (despite my continued fear of Big Foot)
- Fat Bottomed Girls (both the song and the actual thing)
- That moment of silence when you first go underwater
- Michael Ian Black's book, My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face
- giantits - (I don't know what they are. I hope they're not painful. My blog gets a lot of visits from people wanting information about them)
- Neil Diamond (god)(for reals)
I hate that annoying Jessica Alba and her bitchy "This shade's mine. Go get your own!" Revlon commercial, but I kind of feel like saying that now after sharing my list. Only I wouldn't sound bitchy. No. I'd sound super nice. Like so nice you'd want to sweep me into a tight, tight hug and sniff my ponytails, and then share the things you think are the tits. So here's where I turn it over to you. Feel free to share what's on your list. Seriously, though, you don't have to sniff my ponytails.
* by 'the tits', I mean things I think are cool and/or totally awesome, and not necessarily actual tits, which, it should also be noted, I have no problem with whatsoever, and, in fact, have found to be useful through a large portion of my life. They are, to bring this full circle, the tits. Thank you.
Labels: your mileage may vary
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 12:15 AM
56 Comments:
a week at the lake house totally unplugged
Hot krispy krack, I mean kream
the smell right at the base of my boy's necks
seeing movies on the big screen with my sweetie (hubby)
someone else doing my dishes/laundry
Fadkog
Thanksgiving
finding smokin' hot shoes that are comfortable
time to do and finish a project
churros (must be fresh)
That moment of inspiration when you know exactly what "it" is going to be
time with friends and family we don't get to see often enough
watching my kids race down the hall yelling "daddddddyyyy" when he gets home
pina coladas and little drink umbrellas
Hot damn, I'm one of your first commentators. Do I get a prize for that? If so, I'd like to be a princess... so if you could Fed Ex me a crown, that would be great.
As we Twittered today, I love Neil Diamond. When I wrote that, I thought either 1.)people would block me right away or 2.)people would Tweet me back and say "You're a twat" and then block me.
But you wrote back and said you loved him, too. For that, I'm eternally in your debt (and we need therapy, maybe we could carpool). Thanks FADKOG... good times never seemed so good.
When my daughter says "good morning" when I see her first see her.
The band Gomez oh what awesomeness. Walking into an indie record store.
My husband making some funny quote or observation when soon after the very same thought has popped into my head.
my daughters laugh. when my daughter cusses. That's all I've got at the butt-crack of dawn.
Awesome post as usual love.
David Sedaris is da bomb. I can read the book, "Naked" over and over and still howl with laughter.
I think I need to go order the Michael Ian Black book from the library....cuz I think the majority of your list is just tits too.
be still my heart ... you too are a "custom vans" fan? do you mind if i just sit here and gaze longingly at your home page some more?
hehehe, you're the tits, you cute little pigtailed girl!
right now I am the ONLY. PERSON. IN. MY. HOUSE. can't even describe the bliss. Biscuits baking in the oven. Eggs scrambled on the stove, just the way I like 'em. Mug full of warm coffee in front of me. And I don't even have to leave for work for another half an hour!!!
Of course, I still have to figure out what to WEAR...my other favorite LBD has pulled a disappearing act on me and is nowhere to be found. Look for pictures soon on the back of your milk carton.
A really great cup of coffee where the sugar and the cream are perfectly proportioned.
The new wave channel on my xm radio.
Having hubs at home.
Shoes.
A really great fitting pair of jeans.
French fries dipped in ranch dressing.
Hearing my daughter sing in the backseat.
George Clooney.
Ooh, that was fun. Maybe I'll do a whole post, too. You won't mind if I copy do you? I'll totally give you credit.
Speaking of boobs, and we totally were, I've been recently getting a lot of hits from people searching for grandma's boobs and frankly, that just squicks me out.
i'll admit to crushing on you.
does that count for NOTHING?
(i'm totally stealing this and making my own tits list)
Apparently you were serious when you said your next post was going to be things you think are the tits. And to think, I thought you were kidding. I should know by now there is no joking when it comes to the tits.
Ha. "When it comes to the tits." That's a phrase I don't get to say nearly enough.
So, I should also mention that you are in luck, my precious. I am, indeed, a goateed zombie that speaks with an Australian accent. I also have sung, at least once, Fat Bottomed Girls (didn't I send you that mp3 once? it was a thing of beauty).
I am pretty sure that makes me The Tits. But I prefer going by The BOOBS!
Neil had to give refunds the other day to people who walked out of his concert because his voice sounded like a dying monkey on amphetamines. My world nearly imploded.
Is it too late (given your little asterisk-y footnote) to say that I think tits are 'the tits'?
Especially Molly's, which, altho no doubt not nearly as kickass as your own, have the virtue of being mine. . .
'Cuz, you know, if it's too late, I'll probably have to go all PH again, and nobody particularly wants that. . .
FTN, did you say, 'monkey'? 'Cuz, like, we're all about the monkeys, y'know. . .
And listen, it ain't a goatee, but howzabout a full beard? Even a mostly-gray one?
I agree with you about Fat Bottom Girls....both the song and the bottoms.
I think the show Mad Men is definitely the tits! I just wish AMC would go high def.
Oh my god, Neil Diamond is THE TITS' TITS. How can you not appreciate a man who actually sang a song titled "Cracklin' Rosie" and made it look good?!? I feel like a Jewish mother with my insane love of the creator of all "Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show". Now I'm distracted. And verclempt (is that how you spell it? My Yiddish is rusty.)
I'm gonna go with Madame Queen here and say my ultimate thing on my The Tits list is a sassy pair of FMP's. Wow I love me some shoes. It's the only thing missing from your list. Although I rarely wear my hair in pigtails as I hang out with a bunch of perverts and I get the nickname Handlebars. But, I'm sure you look dead sexy in yours. Or at least dead comfortable.
Good luck with the continued cleaning and complete lack of middle school math homework.
I, too, have a fondness for David Sedaris and love to stalk him. I've been a little more successful with his sister since I ran into her in a New York deli. All I did was say "hi" to her twice. Awkward. I also like muffins, but I don't plan on stalking them any time soon. They aren't as exciting as the Sedaris'
I think the one of those that I'd agree with most is the salad one. "Spaced" was funny.
Zombies are amazing. Especially zombie tits! They are, er ...
Hawaii is the tits!! I mean, there were more half-naked tits on the beach than you could . . . well . . . shake your tits at. This had quite the effect on RL. So, needless to say, I got to reap all the benefits!
I'm having great trouble concentrating today so I ahve to go away and think on my list -but htnaks for sharing yours- I enjoyed reading it and all your witty commenters!
whenever I wear my hair in pigtails, I have a really good ending to my day. I mean REALLY GOOD! (*wink wink, nudge nudge*) cuz apparently, my husband thinks pigtails are the tits. The ending to my day when I wear them? Totally the tits!
and Neil Diamond? OH YEAH!
Goatees? not so much..
Stacie
FAT BOTTOM GIRLS - the song - IS the best thing out there!!
Hallie :)
Ok so am I the only one that has not heard of this FAT BOTTOM GIRLS song.... I will go look it up. (only one more week and I will be able to listen to other music other then Radio Disney ... shoot me now)
I perfer Tits over Fat bottoms ... and I thank ya.
Matthew Broderick and Chappy are the tits.
And am I your special someone who knows who he is? (<---re read that a few times and your head might explode from the paradox)
Love David Sedaris, even long before I knew he had a sister named Amy. Love Simon Pegg, prefer British accents and Looooovvve salads. I think I'll do this post too, but OMG I have been so busy lately. Doing nothing. Why is that? Oh and hey, be careful with those Tide to Go sticks, one ate right through my shirt when I was on vacation last year. Talk about inconvenient, I was pissed. Now I am totally anti-stick and trying to get the word out. :)
Lust....
Need I say more?
My daughter singing and dancing
backrubs
beaches (the place, not the movie)
Irish accents
Starting a great new book - especially when its part of a series so you know you've got more greatness to come (ie me and Phillip Pullman recently)!
Battlestar Galactica
Burn Notice
finishing a long run
finishing a long work project
the first real fall day
the first sip of a great beer
when our stupid local cable company actually puts the Browns game on TV
The squirrel outside my window just now who performed an amazing feat of jumping across the street using telephone wire and a tree branch and didn't end up pancaked on the pavement. Go Rocky!
I love the list, it's the tits. Or you are the tits. I lean toward the latter
Thanks! Glad you enjoy it. I think you are the tits as well.
Diet Coke
Mental Health Days (of which I need more)
My Tivo
And the expression "the Tits" - never heard it, but am planning to use it at least a couple times a day from now on (well, in appropriate company of course, but since I rarely keep appropriate company it's all good)!
Oh well. Maybe I'll guess correctly next time.
:o(
Why is everybody mentioning/talking about boobs or tits? The wonderbra that can break glass, the boobs stuck in a drawer, an old man honking mine...
Oh... a WHOLE WEEK just dedicated to throwing stuff away? How pathetic is my life that I am salivating at the very thought?
I agree...Michael Ian Black is the tittiest of the tits. I worked with him a while back and he is truly tit-licious.
What? Huh?
Sorry, was imagining my hubby with a goatee.
Is it bed time yet? Must go now...
gushing rain, really funny things, my daughter saying, "oh wow cool," fresh sheets on the bed, email, american idol, finding new music, kittens, profiteroles... and bloggy friends that make me think.
I'm in love with Cynical Dad and his Twitter Radio Shows. Between that and the upcoming Blogger Roast, I deem him the Mack Daddy of Twitter.
All hail.
Explain to me how I did not make your list of things you think are the tits.
I mean, I even grew a goatee for you.
And hell, I'll talk to you in an Aussie accent.
My Tits List
(wow, that sounded a little too much like titless. Highschool flashback! NO!)
t-shirt surgery
"Big" guys with sexy leg tattoos - I don't know, it just works. (My husband is a big guy, but alas no tattoos.)
tomatoes
white bean hummus
anime spy chicks with lesbian undertones who KICK ASS!
See's chocolates
Offspring's "Hammerhead"
the shit my kid says when he thinks no one is listening
the TV show "Psych"
(Whoa again, my word verification reads like "woman could be joker". (I'll always love you, Heath Ledger!))
god, i love Neil Diamond!!!
and i love australian accents too.
my tits* things....
all the letters of the alphabet!
My morning coffee
US open 12 hour tennis coverage a day
Rafa Nadal's arms
my subscription to People magazine
The Peach Pit and Mondale :)
Love ya, girl! have a good one!
Ommmmm. . .
BE the tits. . .
BE the tits. . .
Ommmmm. . .
Dumpsters.
Dumpsters are at the top of my list.
There is no better feeling than a dumpster parked in my driveway, slowly (or better yet QUICKLY) being Filled.With.Crap.
Seriously. Dumpsters are better than sex.
I am going to vow to spend the week using the term "the tits" as often as possible.
Because I love it that's why.
If I said, "the tits," around here, my seminary-bound 12yo would have a heart attack, and then pray over me for a week...so I won't say it, I'll just think it.
My list:
The beach, with me on it -
Hanging out with my kids -
"Winter" days (here in So Cal, that's relative -
Watching my daughter ballet dance -
Hair products and tools, especially flat irons
Scrapbooking (I should own stock in Michael's at this point)
Starbucks Frappaccino (I spelled it wrong, but you know what I mean; I have one about once a year)
My feet, after a pedicure
We are in 100% agreement about the Aussie accent
My doggie (who is Australian Shepherd, somewhat)
Thanks for making me count my blessings today (since things that are tits are blessings). :-)
My daughter had math homework the very first night. How Wude!
Of course, she is a sophomore. But still.
THIS is the tits. Yo.
You're my new hero. Can we be BFF?
I couldn't agree more about Jessica Alba. I mean, I wouldn't mind looking like her, but she is a bit annoying.
I totally love all these comments, and I intend to respond to each of you, but it's after midnight, and I have a tendency to write blog-length responses. It's a habit I just can't break! However, it took me over two hours to write my new post (give or take) so if I broke that down and divided it by the comments I look forward to responding to, and multiply that by 44, well, I don't even know if that would be the write approach for this if I was making this into an actual math problem, but I do know it would take me at least an hour, and I'm kind of tired.
Also, look at this comment as to why I must wait until tomorrow. Seriously?! I can't just say, "Hey, WOW, thanks for all these fantastic comments! I'll get to you all tomorrow! Goodnight!"??
Apparently not.
;)
Also, proof I should shut up:
"the WRITE approach"??
Right. I'll write when things in my head are right...
and as a result, I'll probably push the comments on this post to 50 or more! Woo hoo!
Karen - Your list was filled with adorable, and not just because you included me (which was wow, super cool)! If you ever find those super hot comfortable shoes, PLEASE clue me in!
browerfamily - You are never alone with your Neil Diamond love here! Song Sung Blue, baby!
Frances - I must explore this band you mention. And you're right. Nothing beats a kid laughing. Love it!
Cocotte - I've got a big heart for David Sedaris. Michael Ian Black's book is hilarious in a different vein. My poor husband has a hard time sleeping when I'm reading it in bed because I'm always laughing every couple of minutes.
Always home - I'd have figured by now you had made my photo your screen shot.
1blueshi1 - There is something fantastic about getting to be the only one in the house for a time. The possibilities are limitless!
Madame -I have only recently discovered the magic that is french fries dipped in ranch dressing, and I gotta say, I have to curb that deliciousness because I could go off the deep end on that big time!
Ali - I absolutely heart you. You are adorable, and your tits list was great!
ftn - If there's two things I'd never lie about, it would be the tits and Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond, because he is a god, doesn't like it when you lie. He also wrote 'Forever In Blue Jeans' on the back of a Dixie cup. That part might be a lie. Now, send me that mp3. And a picture of you.
Des - It's never too late to add things to the tits list, even ph, if necessary, but only if necessary!
Des - Spider monkeys would be on m tits list, and I don't know. I mean, beards are good. I have no beef with beards, but I am so hardcore about goatees it's not even funny. Well, it is kind of funny. I just love a goatee. Mmm...goatee...
Chuck - I've missed the boat on this whole Man Men phenomenon, and I may be the only one in the world who has.
Meg - Yeah! Another Neil Diamond loyalist! Forever and always, that man is the tits. I'm still cleaning. Today, I'm cranking the Neil box set while I finish up!
jenboglass - That you have gotten as close to David Sedaris as you have by way of Amy Sedaris makes me envious of you in a big time way!
brian - Salads rock. What doesn't rock is how they never taste as good at home as they do in a restaurant.
Chris - Zombie tits are a little scary, well, depending on the age of the person when zombified, I guess.
Phyllis - Hawaii is where I was born, thus, it is, indeed, the tits! Ha!
Christina lee - I'm glad you came by!
Stacie - Pigtails don't have quite the same effect here. Something about the porn hair does, though. ;)
WWoW - Fat Bottom Girls does, indeed, rock!
Andrea - It's classic, classic Queen. Listen to it. Enjoy it. Listen to it again!
BP Dad - You are my always and forever, dear. My Chappy in the skies, watching out for me. :)
April - Confession: I love English accents a lot, too. In my head, I talk to myself with one!
Savage - I think you've covered the key points!
Stella blue - How could I have forgotten Irish accents?! My pretend husband Bono talks to me with one all the time!
Sailor - Thank you! Sometimes I suppose I am!
Chag - You pretty much rock in my book!
Mandy lou - I could not live without my DVR. Seriously, greatest invention ever, above the airplane, above the car, above the phone, above everything!
Bee - I still love your guesses anytime, Bee! Tits are everywhere as it is, so that may be the reason. ;)
Manager Mom - You and I are going to live a very long and happily married life one day!
Chas - Convince him to try a goatee and see what you think!
merecat - Absolutely great list. I love when my youngest son busts out with "Well, as a matter fact..." or "Actually," and the way he says "pat-oo-ran" for "pattern".
undomestic diva - Chag is top notch in my book. The Big Pimp. The Mack Daddy. He's cooler than he thinks!
Redneck Mommy - You're my hot, hot girl on the side, baby. So special you gots your own list!
Weirdgirl - I am totally with you on the anime chicks. Also? Heath Ledger. That man was the tits. I'm clueless on tshirt surgery, though!
Katie - I trust you're going to be out there with me somewhere in the world when the new 90210 premieres in a few weeks so we can compare notes, right?! Vive la Brenda!
Des - Be 'em? I own 'em!
Patty - Oh, if I could back a Dumpster up to my house and have a go at it, I would no doubt heartily agree with your assessment that it would be better than sex!
Caroline - I think it's the tits that you came around to visit and left a totally tits comment! Yeah! The tits and I thank you!
Claire - I am, to put it simply, stunned and jealous of your ability to cap the gloriousness that is a Starbucks Frappaccino to once a year! Amazing! It's all I can do to just keep walking by the bookstore cafe and not going to get one every shift I work. That 50 percent employee discount is both a blessing and a curse!
Heather - How rude, indeed! It's probably bad the way I celebrate every night when I learn there is no homework to help with, don't you think? Ha!
Ms Picket - Stop now, you're gonna make me blush!
Aunt Becky - We can be total besties! Let's try to sit near each other at study hall so we can pass notes! :)
Shonda - She irritates me, plain and simple!
Did I get everybody? Geez, that was awesome, but it took a lot outta me. Also, now that I am posting this comment to make it a straight up 50 (though feel free to add more, cause I'm such a comment whore! woo hoo!), it's like looking at a line of fembots, seeing my profile lined up like this.
It's totally hot, though.
Wait. What am I saying? "It's totally hot"?
Oh, hell no. It's totally the tits!
It's hard to look at your profile picture without thinking of tits, quite frankly.
When you are given a gift you love, you like to show 'em off.
Or something like that.
Also? Yeah for you for FINALLY admitting that to me!
@FADKOG - I got to meet Bono once. It was after a "serious" speech about AIDS or something so I managed to avoid asking him to sign my boobs. But he is every bit as fabulous IRL and smells great too. I bet he'd be down with us having an open pretend marriage.
enjoy your weekend, you naughty girl ;-)
Stella blue - AHHHH!!! Really!?!? Envy mixed with kudos! I dream he smells of Irish soap (which makes absolute sense!) and cookies. I want to squeeze him an sniff at his neck. I bet he'd be totally down with the open pretend marriage thing, but oh, how I want first dibs!
This is thatgirlfromshallotte's slightly inferior half, having been turned on to your blog same. I just wanted to say how wonderful it is that someone on this continent appreciates the genius that is Spaced - there has never been anything quite like it on TV. I'll be back, as I'm sure they say in, um, Austria.
Steve - I ADORE that show. Not as much as I ADORE your lovely bride, whom I wish to steal away and make her my own or claim her as my bestest friend ever, whichever is less uncomfortable for her, but I adore it nonetheless. Simon Pegg is genius.
I'm thrilled you stopped by, and hope to see you again soon. Tell that lovely of yours to come around, too, and that I owe her an email!
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