...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, August 04, 2008

'til now, i never got by on my own

After a week away from home, my Tool Man returned Friday afternoon. I promptly put him to work by sending him running off to the store for treats for me, vacuuming, carting a child off to a birthday party, and cooking for us.

And that's just for starters!

No. I'm kidding. I made out with him, ordered us a little Chinese food for lunch, made out with him again during the 10 minute wait we had for our order (Question - is this 10 minute wait for Chinese food universal? Oh, that life could always be as efficient and packed with the tasty delicious goodness that is hot and sour soup!), and THEN I made him do all those things (plus more!) listed above.

Listen, the dude owed me and I made out with him, so it wasn't like I was cracking a whip. Because we're not into that, OK? I mean, a little spank here and there is fine by me, but I've got a line, and the line says no whips.

By the end of the night, when Tool Man and I collapsed, exhausted from all the making out, so we called it a day and drifted off to sleep. Well, Tool Man did, but it took me a bit longer because Loaner Dog was all up on me, batting her bulging Shih Tzu eyes at me, trying to get a little from me. I shouldn't have to do this, people, but just let me remind you that there's a line.

Early Saturday, while I was still sleeping, Tool Man grabbed our two adorable lug nuts, and together, they ran away from home. Before you can say, "Well of course they did, Hottie! You make him work too hard when he gets home from his tough man job. Hell, I'd run away, too!", let me say that this: (A) You've not seen my kick ass rack, and if you had, the only direction you'd be running is toward it, and (B) it was a planned Man Weekend that they were all looking forward to (but not as much as me). Their departure meant I was going to be home alone (albeit with one horny little dog) for THREE GLORIOUS DAYS of silence, and had I been awake, I'd have pushed them out the door even sooner than they pushed themselves.

My plan during this reprieve from my wifely and motherly duties was to go off the grid for the entire weekend, kind of like Jason Gedrick did in Iron Eagle, when he and his band of ragtag warriors infiltrated the United States military with the help of a hard on the outside, soft on the inside Louis Gossett Jr. (aka 'the poor man's Morgan Freeman'), stole a fighter jet and flew a daring rescue mission to save his father. But you know what they say about best laid plans, right? That's right. So if you and I shared an IM conversation or bantered in emails back and forth at any time this past Saturday or Sunday, just don't blow my cover, OK? As far as these other people know, I sat in the breeze in my narcolepsy chair, finished reading Stephanie Klein's hilariously funny and gut wrenching book, Moose, and spoke to no other living soul for two days.

(Backpacking Dad? Listen to this tape when no one else is around, OK? I think if you wait just a minute or two, the rest of the people here will skim by this parenthetical call-out, then it'll be fine. OK. Now. I just want to say it was truly an honor to fly with you Sunday, and you should know that I would proudly suit up and take the the skies again, for the safety and honor of our people. You are a man of great fortitude and random movie knowledge, and I slept a bit more soundly last night knowing you're out there. Sincerely, Col. Nippley)

I enjoyed my first day of solitude pretty much living up to my dreams. However, if you've been around here awhile, you know I don't particularly enjoy being home alone at night, so Saturday morphed well into Sunday before I braced myself for sleep, which I couldn't even begin to try for without checking to see if the front door was locked (again!). When I did, I spotted something in my yard, and let out a bit of a scream, causing the thing to look at me (with evil red eyes!), and then run away.

Bunnies tend to do that when you make sudden loud noises.

So now it's Monday, my final day of solitude. I've slept fitfully for two nights, never cracked a book, watched enough television to kill me, have no good anecdotes from which to blog about, haven't used my voice in two and a half days, and fear the couch cushion may be adhered to my ass after Pantless Sunday (Why get dressed when you're just going to have to put pajamas on in two hours anyway? Walking up the stairs takes energy, y'all).

Wait! I feel it should be noted that the couch cushion wouldn't be adhered to my ass because I spent the day without any pants on (yes, Backpacking Dad, I fly with no pants on. I guess I should have told you that while we were somewhere over the Med). It would be because I barely moved from one spot on it. I mean, you got that, right? You understood what I meant?

So today I intend to pack a ton in the few hours of solitude which remain before I must go to work and my family returns. I must banishing bunnies, refuel the jet, and finish books. But first I need to pry myself off the couch and put some pants on.

Labels:

38 Comments:

Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Stress-free time spent doing nothing, with peace and quiet is underrated. One of the advantages (and disadvantages) of being divorced is that I get to do loads of it...

Monday, August 04, 2008 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

Those kind of weekends are the best. My family went away two weeks ago and it just what I needed to recharge my batteries.

Monday, August 04, 2008 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

You're right, I haven't seen your KAR. . . (*sigh*)

But, hooray for weekends with no pants on! (I won't ask about the, uh, dolphins. . .)

(Nor will I ask Chag anything at all about 'batteries')

('Cuz I try to run a class organization, y'know?)

Monday, August 04, 2008 11:49:00 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

I kind of assumed that you flew with no pants on. Or a top. I know how you earned the military nickname "Nippley".

It was a crapload of fun spending the morning, and uh, afternoon, watching movies with you. Now I'm on the lookout for 80s movies blocks so I can send you a DM and settle in.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Hello, my name is Phyllis and I'm a vege-holic. On weekends when I'm at home alone, I tend to become a vegetable -- couch potato or computer cucumber. All the good intentions, all the times I promised myself I'd get some things done then end up grabbing the remote or clicking the mouse (No, not double clicking the mouse. Ok, sometimes, but I've got that under control. It's not like I'm addicted or anything.) Thank you, for sharing; I now know I'm not fighting this alone.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

As long as you can finish in that 10 minutes. I use to hate people that use to do that when I was delivering pizza. They would have this face like I thought it would be longer after I'm waiting 5 minutes for them to finish and get dressed.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

What?! I missed a showing of Iron Eagle?! Oh man, that would totally bum me out except I *did* watch Tank Girl this weekend. Rocker girls with tanks > Lou Gossett Jr.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

'One Vision' from Iron Eagles. Ahhh...

And I think I saw on your Twitter that you were one with The Legend of Billie Jean. A definite teen staple. Saw it maybe a hundred times. Why I ask myself. Why?

I'm glad you had some lovely solitude for yourself. Next time, just sleep with all the lights on like I do.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

Not even a little machine time?? I mean, really! Tool Man's gone, kids are gone, Aunt Flo is gone, and you don't even throw a coupla AAs in and have some 'I can do it myself' fun? Hell, you already had your pants off. How much effort would it have taken?
I'm a little disappointed. I would have had one in each hand, is all I'm saying.
On the bright side, you didn't have to have the couch cushion surgically removed. Yay, you!!

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:18:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I don't think you're being paranoid at all. A bad bunny can really fuck you up.

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

I loved Moose!

Monday, August 04, 2008 1:28:00 PM  
Blogger A.C. said...

Wow. This had me in tears. The funny kind.

I have a mattress stuck to my ass after this past weekend. Not because I was pantless in bed, but because I stayed in the same spot in the bed. All weekend. Watching Battlestar Gallactica and reading a comic book (AJ's idea...not mine).

So I can relate. To the pantlessness, having something stuck to your ass...


...and to having a great rack.

Monday, August 04, 2008 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

I am jealous ... 3 days to myself ... oh to dream.

Thanks for the laugh. (from one great rack to another)

Monday, August 04, 2008 1:51:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

What I have found is that the best laid plans all get done in the last few hours before the husband/kids arrive home - procrastinators unite!

Monday, August 04, 2008 2:22:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I'm with you on the home alone after dark thing. My fridge makes these peeing sounds and it's super scary at night when no one else is around.

Monday, August 04, 2008 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

If you had the weekend by yourself, I hope that you spent time with more than just your pants off. There's nothing like having the entire house to yourself for some good old fashioned naked time.

Monday, August 04, 2008 2:58:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I had Saturday off and spent a good portion of it without pants on. What is it with that? There's just something about having the house to yourself that makes the body scream, "YES! NO PANTS!"

I have a hard time sleeping when I'm home alone, too. So, I got a dog and now when I hear strange noises I blame them on the dog...even if the dog is in bed with me. It helps, I swear!

Monday, August 04, 2008 3:40:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

A day without pants??? And NOT because all your laundry is still moldering in the washing machine you forgot to turn on????

Heaven.

Monday, August 04, 2008 4:24:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i wouldn't even know what to do with myself for three whole freakin' days.

i hope you enjoyed it! (sounds as if you did though)

good for you!

Monday, August 04, 2008 5:09:00 PM  
Blogger Loralee Choate said...

Tweeting you to inquire about a John Hugh's bloggity film festival. Heh.

Monday, August 04, 2008 5:36:00 PM  
Blogger just a girl... said...

making out twice in 30 minutes that might be a record in relationship world.

Monday, August 04, 2008 6:35:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I can't believe I missed Iron Eagle! Dangit! I LOVE that movie! I soooooo miss the days when DH and the boys would take off for a weekend adn I had the house to myself...man how I used to love that! I'll have to read that book..I haven't heard of it. Sounds like you had a good time.

Stacie

Monday, August 04, 2008 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger Sunshine said...

I watched Iron Eagle this weekend! I was trying to take a nap, but I got drawn into the movie, and no nap for me.

How does one convince a husband to take the children someone for a few days?? Tell me woman, I must know!!

Uh, sorry, I got a little out of control there...

Monday, August 04, 2008 6:52:00 PM  
Blogger April said...

A whole entire weekend all to yourself??? Can I please be you when I grow up?

Monday, August 04, 2008 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

And Samuel L IS the poor man's Samuel L.... Mutha-fuckar!

Monday, August 04, 2008 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

My husband doesn't know what to do with himself if I am gone, so sometimes if he's gone I have to act like I'm real sad so I don't make him feel like I don't miss him.
When I lived by myself I always walked around with no pants and a tank top and got ready in the morning totally naked. But my guy never does that, so I feel weird if I do if he's home.

Monday, August 04, 2008 11:24:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Sweet FADKOG, you're never alone with a mind like that.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

Not an IM nor an e-mail. Guess I'm not on the a-list ..... :-)

The last time I had a weekend to myself. At home. Alone. Was. Well. 1998. And rest assured, there were no panties involved ......

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Pictures! We need pictures!!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger Ange said...

TPS had recommended your blog to me as one pop culture romp of a good time, so I'll be sure to keep checking in on your posts. In the mean time, how can you say that TPS sounds a lot more fun then Unzipped Jim, that sounds impossible, and I think in need of more details please!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 4:43:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Oh, i have missed my fave Diff Kinda Gal!! hope you have been well, my dear!

it's good to be back! :)

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 5:36:00 PM  
Blogger (^oo^) bad girl (^oo^) said...

Very good......

Tuesday, August 05, 2008 9:20:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Sounds like a stress free weekend really turned out to be a sleep free one...sorry to hear that.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008 7:18:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Brian - Upon the family's triumphant return, which was followed by a hurricane and typhoon, means I'm kind of ready for one of those stress-free days again!

Chag - Amen, but oh, now that they've returned, I'm like that TV remote you keep smacking because it's not working quite right, but you're not ready to admit it needs new batteries. Two days back = exhausted!

Des - Sometimes there are other reasons for pantless weekends than just being lazy!

BP Dad - I have recommended you for our nation's highest military honors after your fine flying, grace under pressure, and willingness not to cave and share the origin of my military nickname.

Phyllis - Let us stand strong in our vegging! Let us do more of it, actually!

Mike - The race for the food is on our side because we pick it up when we order Chinese!

Michael - Do a search for Iron Eagle (oh, or check IMDB.com!), for I believe it's on a couple more times soon. I've never seen Tank Girl in its entirety, I must admit.

Alice - "Just gimme, gimmme, gimme fried chicken!" Uh, ok, Queen. Alas, I didn't get to see Legend of Billy Jean because I don't have the channel it aired on, so I wept myself to sleep, and that helped me get through the night!

Pam - Oh, I neglected to mention that at various points in the proceedings, there was some machine time!

Twobusy - Word. And don't even get me started on the mental (and physical) scars I still carry because of some rogue chickens, dude.

Jen - I've enjoyed it, too, and now plan to pick up her previous book.

A.C. - Yeah for asses and racks and being lazy!

Andrea - And yeah for more great racks again! I need to better organize my lazy days should I have this opportunity again, even if that sort of defeats the purpose! Thanks for coming by and commenting.

Mandy lou - Definitely. As you left that comment, I was rushing around finishing some stuff. Then I got home from work and found they'd all destroyed it, so...yeah...

Cocotte - There is something in my house that makes a loud thumping noise at random points in the day and night, so that is a delight at 3 a.m.!

Therese - There was some random, yet very tasteful, naked time put in during the three days!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Meg - The Loander Dog was probably to blame for the bulk of the noises made around this place on the first day, but when she returned home, I just had to feign death when the noises returned the next two nights!

San Diego Momma - I was able to pull it (and them!) off because I rushed around the day before the family left so all my laundry was done!

kimmy - The first day is pretty much spent dancing around the place in glee at the possibilities that stretch out before you. After that, you just kind of sit around like a vegetable.

Loralee - I'm down with anything involveing John Hughes films!

Just a girl - The dude is so cute and everyone was so happy to be home that it just struck the mood!

Stacie - Check out the listings on AMC, because Iron Eagle will be on again a couple more times soon. Kick them out and settle in!

Sunshine - Hey! You flew under the radar with us! Woo hoo! Here's how it worked for me - I basically said "Hey! That sounds like a really great opportunity for you and the boys to get some Man Time in..." and it rolled from there!

April - If you can handle the fact that these types of weekends don't happen very often, then enjoy being me! Don't let my Mom stress you out.

Savage - Aemn. Also, you forgot something...

Tulips - I miss that part of living alone, but from time to time, when kids are running the neighborhood, it kicks in around here, and so far, no complaints!

Always home - If by that you mean the voices in my head always keep me company, oh, mister, you are so very right! Unless you mean you're stalking me for my mind, which works, too.

XI - Oh, I think I hover somewhere around the J List group, so no worries!

Meg - Pictures of Pantsless Me sitting like a slug on my couch? Honey, that was both sexy and not captured on film!

Ange - I've got nothing but respect and a soft spot for TSP, and it humbles me he'd suggest you visit here. I must warn you, it's really a lot of rambling because I'm not that interesting, but I'll look forward to you coming around! Also, Unzipped Jim could have been far more interesting (and shielded!) had he had a guitar like TPS!

Katie - So glad to see you back around here, and out there!

Bad Girl - I bet you say that to all the bloggers...

Bogart - I'm still paying for it, too! I'm exhausted!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Whoohoo! Sounds like you were living large. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself...muhahahaha!)

Thursday, August 07, 2008 6:08:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Takin' it ez, ic. The only thing I didn't do was write, cook, or drink coffee!

Thursday, August 07, 2008 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Pantsless Sundays rule. By popular demand, we may start instituting Pantsless Saturdays as well.

Friday, August 08, 2008 6:45:00 AM  

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