...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, July 21, 2008

about as fun as a baseball bat to the crotch

"If you're celebrity and you were going to make a sex tape, wouldn't you already have a place in mind to hide it when you were done before you yelled 'Action'?" my Tool Man asked, pausing briefly between gulps of his Diet Coke to query me.

Now, lest you think Tool Man and I routinely discuss this type of fine art over Subway six-inch grilled chicken sandwiches (I assure you, it's the taste of the sandwich, and not the size...), allow me to clarify that the afternoon's agenda was established by the bantering of two radio dj's, who were running down a laundry list of celebrities who've had their fame (or infamy) stroked by the so-called accidental release of their videotaped exploits.


As we enjoyed our sandwiches devoid of paparazzi snooping us out in our little Midwestern hovel, I reached across the table, grabbed Tool Man's mustardy hand, and told him how thankful I was that my attempt at stardom was snuffed out in the fourth grade when I auditioned for a regional talent program, regardless of how strong my interpretation of ABBA's Fernando was (AND IT WAS!!!), because I simply am not cut out to live the life of a celebrity. Especially one whose grainy, night goggled exploits show up routinely on television and the Internet. Tool Man nodded, assured me once again that my skill with ABBA's catalogue of hits is, indeed, unprecedented, then took another bite from his sandwich before continuing.

"Let's just say if we were to make a sex tape..." Cecille B. DeTool Man threw out to the universe.

"Hold up a minute. Is this about you wanting me to dress up - nay, UNDRESS - like Sheena Easton and hum Sugar Walls while you're doing God knows what where I can't really see you, then making me watch it?" I asked, seeing his eyes light up.

(HOLD UP AGAIN! I just watched that video clip for Sugar Walls and I LOOKED JUST LIKE SHEENA EASTON when I met Tool Man! I'm beginning to think this topic of Sunday conversation was not just some sporadic follow up to "So, your sandwich? Sure is good, huh?").

"I just don't get the desire to see myself after I've done it," I continued, watching his eyes slightly dim. Another bite of his sandwich taken.

"You want to, don't you?!" I asked. Eye? Radiating. Shoulders? Broad and back.

"What if the sex was so good, we both experienced a simultaneous heart attack and died while in the midst of filming, and our loved ones found it, ala "The Blair Witch Project," and watched in horror as we poked, then perished?" I demanded.

"My parents don't know how to operate a VCR..." he responded, formulating a script in his brain while responding.

Now, I do a lot of things to and for Tool Man. A LOT. But I felt the need to right then yell "Cut!" on his plan to rush us home and stage an epic production because the idea of watching parts of myself pop into frame (and probably Tool Man shooting sideways glances and 'thumbs up' signs at the camera - because I believe this is standard protocol for all men who produce and direct a homemade sex tape) would be just too much to bear.

And absolutely too much to bare.

And also? That Sugar Walls song always has annoyed me.

Labels:

40 Comments:

Anonymous Scaramouche Jones said...

You know, you will never think of yourself as looking so silly as you will do when watching yourself have sex. Kind of like hearing your own voice on tape. Except a little more in-y out-y :)

Monday, July 21, 2008 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Maybe you could try "Dancing Queen" instead?

Monday, July 21, 2008 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Yeah, something about Desmond-as-Ron-Jeremy-wannabe just says, "No way this is gonna turn out well. . ."

Monday, July 21, 2008 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

I'm not against the concept of a sex tape per se, and I do think that there would be ways to make sure it was never watched. I'm thinking something like marking it "Therese's Senior Recital" would probably do the trick.

However, I think it would just end up being a study in humiliation.

I really make THAT noise?

Could my facial expression be more goofy?

Wow...soooo not a flattering angle.


etc.

I think a sex tape for me would just raise a bunch of previously absent inhibitions!

Maybe if I was singing Abba at the time...

Monday, July 21, 2008 2:12:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

My old VHS from 6-7 years ago is in my bedroom dresser, labelled "1996 Winter Olympics Luge Quarterfinals."

Seriously.

But this is the 21st century. If I was to update my library, it would most DEFINITELY have some quality lighting, editing, titling, music, and production values. I'm talking Hi-Def DVD all the way. I'd storyboard the thing, add some outtakes and a director's commentary.

You do realize I've given this a lot of thought, don't you.

By the way, I'm HURT at this sentence:

sideways glances and 'thumbs up' signs at the camera - because I believe this is standard protocol for all men who produce and direct a homemade sex tape

Oh please. You are watching the wrong tapes. We 21st century video producers are WAY above that type of thing.

We are not, however, above a few double entendres with terms like boom mic, long shot, exposure, focal length and flash frame during the shoot.

Monday, July 21, 2008 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

It could always be worse. There's always the possibility that you go to watch your tape one day when no one else is there, and think "hmmm, that's not me", and discover that on that tape with you and your significant other, there is another recording of him and some who is most definitely NOT you, and WTF?? He couldn't at least spring for a new video??

Not that this has happened to me, of course, I'm just saying.

Monday, July 21, 2008 2:56:00 PM  
Anonymous http://www.mydiseasedmind.com/blog said...

Remarkable timing on this entry, as I am today attempting to identify a trustworthy person to discharge the task of throwing a certain lockbox from my house into the Gulf of Mexico in the untimely event of my demise. The environment will just have to suffer the consequences.

Monday, July 21, 2008 4:16:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

You could treat it like I do the video of my wedding. I agreed that my wedding could be videoed under one MAJOR condition: I must never, ever be shown the video. (I will criticize every little thing and it will ruin the day for me forever.)

LOL @ Cecille B. DeTool Man

Monday, July 21, 2008 4:47:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i made a sex tape once. it was against my knowledge. when i found out about it i stripped the tape or film or whatever it was in the kitchen sink and proceeded to set it ablaze.

i shoulda known when then blanket was on the livingroom floor and the windows were open in the back-i thought he just wanted to be more light and airy. liar. he just needed better lighting.

all men want to get their freak on in the camera and sadly, yeah...it's always the thumbs up that gets the best hits.

Monday, July 21, 2008 5:45:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Girl, you had me grabbing for my pearls this entire post. Mr. Sweetypants and I tend to burst into choking, tear-inducing laughter at inappropriate moments (like our wedding dance), so if we made a tape, it would be best used as a prop for abstinence classes for teens.

Monday, July 21, 2008 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

YOU can't think of anything to say on my blog? YOU?

Hallie :)

Monday, July 21, 2008 7:14:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

These tapes are never as good as imagined in one's own mind. Trust me on this.

Monday, July 21, 2008 8:09:00 PM  
Blogger Chas said...

My desire to watch myself in the "throes of passion" is right up there with watching my parents go at it. Ewwwwww. No way. I would need to burn my retinas with a laser afterward.

Monday, July 21, 2008 8:24:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Okay, here is a secret but don;t tell anybody, 'kay?

I took a picture of my cleavage to send via cell to the hubs.

Fast forward a year and I got a new phone and passed my old one to my mom. Guess what I forgot to delete???

Don't do it. Sorry Tool Man!

Monday, July 21, 2008 9:17:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Nobody else say anything either!

Monday, July 21, 2008 9:17:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I, too, will do a lot of things to and for my man... but nothing that produces evidence. Sorry. Plus, it would suck anyway because I'd probably be rolling my eyes and making disgusted noises as my hubby got all excited by the camera. (I'd end up looking like a bored hooker.)

Monday, July 21, 2008 11:33:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Fadkog, I have no doubt that The Tool Man IS actually going to "talk" you into this one; my advice is to start short, like with the video setting on your digital camera, before you start demanding a bigger trailer, batting your eyes, and cooing, "I'm ready for my closeup..."
Not that I would know anything about easing into such things, noooooooo.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 6:37:00 AM  
Blogger Lollie said...

The first time I read Therese's comment I thought it said "Therese's Senior Rectal."

Definitely in the gutter this morning. All I can say is if you are going to do it, get good lighting.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

We made a 1st anniversary tape. I'm not sure I remember what prompted it, but I had RL erase and destroy it a couple of years later. He assured me that he had, but occasionally I wonder.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

If you made your film and then watched it, it would be the last time you every had sex. You could probably never look at Tool Man again.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

I THOUGHT I recognized Phyllis from that tape I just saw... NICE!

Uh, taping = bad idea. It always comes back to haunt you. Therese can't even leave her SATC DVD's out on the chance that someone from the family will spot them, so where on earth would we hide that?

Not that loving, married sex is a bad thing. Just not something to be shared with future generations.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

That cracks me up! Hubs is constantly asking if we can make a "movie". I am like you...untuh..no way...kiss my ass!

We had a similar conversation about sex tapes too the other day. I was curious about the Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian sex tapes and told him I wanted to see them. I admit, I have no shame and wanted to watch them just out of curiosity. The next evening, Hubs comes home from work with both of them downloaded to his computer.

Needless to say.....those girls are better off with clothes on!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 12:14:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Are you going to post it on youtube later?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 2:00:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Obviously it would have to be planned and storyboarded, and like all stars you'd want to use body doubles for some of the shots.

Oh, and don't get too close to the guy with the clapper board...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 3:27:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

I don't even like walking by a mirror. No way in hell.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

I think you should mark a tape "SEX TAPE" but all it really has is you singing Fernando.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Would you consider dressing like Ms. Easton in those Bally fitness commercials while I hum "U Got the Look" and add appropriate sound effects and wah-wah pedal?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 7:29:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

LOL. Good lighting is everything. And the soundtrack, too, of course.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 8:29:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

If I had to watch myself have sex, I would probably never want to have sex again ever.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

The line about the sideways glances and thumbs-up had me in stitches.

All I can say is, NO WAY. Don't do it. Stick to your guns. Nothing good will come from this.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Scaramouche Jones - With evidence of how deep my voice can go on tape floating out there on the Internets, I'm without a doubt sure seeing myself have sex would scar me for life. And have me saying over and over that I sound like a man. Not a big turn on!

Mike - I may have been caught dancing to Dancing Queen the other night at work. As in I was.

Des - Even Ron Jeremy should rethink the whole sex on tape thing.

Therese - Oh! If I could sing ABBA and not think "Wow, I sound like a dude when I talk!" I'd probably actually do this whole sex tape thing!

ftn - Now I now what I'm going to be looking for when I help you move into the house next door! And without question, I know you've given this a lot of thought. I don't doubt you'd repackage (heh) the thing and release it several times over. Director's cut. Special edition. Anniversary editions. Kinda like those annoying Lord of the Rings releases. Wait! You should do a Lord of the Rings themed DVD!

Melody - Ha! The good thing about Tool Man is his loyalty to his actress!

my diseased mind - I have made provisions to have someone to raise my children, to establish a trust for them, etc. What I haven't done is decide who I trust to dispose of said objects and items that I don't want pondered over upon my demise. I should probably start carrying them around with me all the time, but that would look creepier, I think.

Bunny - The majority of my wedding video features a close up of the sanctuary floor. My uncle tipped the camera at some point shortly after I walked in, and never realized (?!) until the ceremony was nearly over. The floor was lovely.

kimmyk - That director of yours is a sneaky, sneaky man! Some men need to get outta the house and less time fingering a videocamera.

That girl - You should know that I've spent the last couple of days walking around here telling everyone that what they're doing/saying makes me clutch my pearls!

WWoW - I know, right!?

Cocotte - In my mind, I'd look stellar and people from other nations would stand up at their computers and applaud. Alas, my mind thinks just as you've warned!

Chas - That very same distraction is on my list, too. As is my lack of desire in watching competitive eating contests and animals mauling each other in the name of survival.

Bee - I have a secret for you, too. Come here. Closer. Closer. OK, you ready? My husband's cell phone is LITTERED with photos of my cleavage. Different angles. Mood lighting. Perhaps props. Perhaps not. Shhhh! Pinky swear, yo!

Bee - I will die with your secret...

Weirdgirl - PERFECT! I, too, would probably look like a bored hooker! Or! I'd pretend to play a dead hooker, and my husband would get all freaked out! Now THAT would be a movie. Or! It would be him saying, "How is this different from the last time?"

1blueshi1 - My weakness in this matter is Tool Man is super cute, and when he puts his mind to it, he can be a real sweet talker...

lollie - I pretty much would walk around in my daily life, anywhere, anytime, with the sun bathing me in natural light and a fan blowing my hair gorgeously to and fro if I could!

Phyllis - I could probably trust Tool Man if he told me he'd destroyed any evidence. Trouble is, the dude has this little smirky thing he does and I never know what's behind it!

Trooper Thorn - Oh! I'm going to tell Tool Man that downfall, and see if it curbs his interest in this hobby!

RS - I don't need evidence of my happily married sex life coming back to haunt me like Star Wars, Episode 4. The more you make, the more they suck. And I mean suck as in bad.

Choppzs - That's sweet the way your Hubs is always looking out for you and helping you cultivate a hobby he thinks you have! I've seen a couple of those tapes. They look more like really bad audition clips then "Wow, this is great sex!" tapes.

Heather - HA! If there's one thing I'm not, I'm not a YouTube moment right there. There's enough of that kinda stuff being busted all over the internet without me!

Brian - My husband is so detail oriented that I'm surprised I've not come home some days to find the entire room lined with the storyboards. I'm sure it would have a most tasteful storyline, too! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you'll come around again and be a NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chag - A-freakin'- men. You and me? There's a reason we'd get along well, sir.

Creative-type Dad - EXCELLENT idea! Ok, I'm now officially rethinking my position on this subject (because I swear, my performance WAS THAT GOOD!)

Always home - Depends. Would I need to wear the high heels while on the weight machines?

Meg - The soundtrack is key. Actually, I think it would be hilarious to do one in an old silent movie style. Oh, I am SO going to talk myself into this...

Merecat - AMEN! And how freaky! I think you were here on my blog while I was over at yours reading, hoping to discover a Yeah! New Person! when my kids came running through and throwing me off. I'm definitely heading there again sometime soon!

Mandy - The cheesy thumbs up. Yep. It's totally cliche, and totally true! And as much as I'm digging this whole old fashioned silent movie idea, I think wiser heads will prevail!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 1:08:00 PM  
Blogger Raven said...

omg!

now i'm singing dancin' queen and all sorts of bad music in my head...not mentioning that one you mentioned!

CUT was the best word to say!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

i say you do yo' thang to Rumpshakers, baby!! it's a great tune for such a tape!! uh, i mean, that's what people have told me anyways, actually i have no idea about this subject. hehe. :)

Have a great day, diff gal!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

I am having a hard time remembering how Sheena Easton was different from Sheila E. I think they had the same Joan Jetty-haircut, right? My 80's hairdo of choice was the "Madonna" (fried-out perm with lace headband).

I pray to GOD that my husband never figures out how to work his digital video camera.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 7:24:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Raven (or your alter ego) - Oh, I hope you're not putting "bad" and "ABBA" together in the same equation!!

katie - Sometimes, the wisest thing you can ever say when someone uses the word "naked," "video," and "you" in the same sentence is 'Oh, HELL no!"!!

Manager Mom - I shall definitely add you to my prayer list on that one! You so rock, btw. Hardcore.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 10:46:00 PM  
Blogger Digger Jones said...

Struck nerve here, but I vented most of it at FTN's.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting into, with you and he fluffing each other like this!

Perhaps you could practice with a little softcore PG-13 action. Or a few still photos. Somehow, there needs to be some therapeutic intervention against the impoverished self-image, self-concept that seems to plague so many women.

I think that the stark reality of sex with the sounds, faces and various wiggles and jiggles is too much for a lot of people, and that's just a little bit sad.
D.

Thursday, July 24, 2008 2:51:00 PM  
Blogger Black Hockey Jesus said...

Me & Jenna made a tape and I ruined it with a bunch of sideways glances and studly nods.

Saturday, July 26, 2008 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Digger - FTN totally likes it when I fluff him. He might deny it, but he would be a liar!

There's a collection of stills in the husband's care, which, to a degree, I'm quite fine with, and I suppose the whole movement and faces aspect of live action film idea waxes and wanes with me. But you're right, I'd like to totally chuck the whole body image thing, burn it like I would a taped escapade!

Always enjoy when you chime in around here, Digger!

BH Jesus - I totally forgot the patented studly nods! I also forgot the dudes who stick out their tongues and shoot the 'rock hands' at the camera, too, which is a shame, for that is really my favorite move.

Sunday, July 27, 2008 9:28:00 PM  
Blogger Tulipsanticipation said...

My husband likes to mess around in the bathroom in front of the mirror; I don't mind as long as I don't have to watch myself, specifically my face and all its various contortions. But I think I would make a tape if my husband really wanted to.
Besides, aren't you just the least bit curious about what everything looks like? Guys always get the prime view, and I think it could be a turn-on to be able to watch him enter right up close.

Friday, August 01, 2008 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Tulips - I've caught the whole mirror thing. The way our bedroom is set up makes it pretty much impossible not to be in the middle of things and all of a sudden be a bit "Who are THOSE people!? Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment!

Sunday, August 03, 2008 10:43:00 PM  

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