put me out of my missouri
Later today, I'm going rogue on a Black Ops assignment.
In that very brief sentence, I've probably compromised your safety. If you start to hear clicking on your telephone, or men trying to look nonchalant while ducking behind tree trunks or newspapers every time you turn around to confront them, I apologize. Allow me to start over with (finger quotes) my cover story (finger quotes) so as not to put you in harms way. I suggest you memorize this entry. A paper trail can only put us both in danger.
Tomorrow morning, I'm jumping in a car with my Mom, my two sons, copies of High School Musical I and II on DVD, and embarking on the dream. Seven hours later, we'll find it when we pull in at my sister's house in Missouri*. Over the course of the next five days, I will make 312 1/2 trips to Walmart, 349 trips to Target (it's new since last summer's secret mission!), get in some time playing Barbies with my nieces (excellent!), and cry into my pillow silently at night when I think the rest of the house is asleep because, wow, my Mom and my sister can really work a self esteem number on me.
I assume you'll all miss me, when you're not fearing for your lives and such. Because of this (the missing, not the fearing part), I've arranged to have my doppelganger, FTN, regal you with some guest posts in my absence. I didn't even have to twist his arm to get him to agree. I assume something about the allure of being able to come over here, plop on my couch, and paw through my various drawers while I'm not looking can be pretty captivating for some people, even super anonymous people like Numby, who has come to find out more about me in this past year than some people I actually know in real life. It's amazing what you'll give up after you've been chloroformed and tied up in a basement for a couple days.
I'm extremely delighted to have FTN here. If you've not read him before, please enjoy and give him some love in the comments. As my grandma would say, he's good people.
Actually, she'd say something that is so grossly unfit for print that I'd be embarrassed to repeat it, but he really is good people, and if he were a woman, he'd probably have a rack that rivaled my own in the kick ass department, so that alone makes me crazy for him.
And if he is, in fact, a woman and has kept that detail secret from me for the better part of a year, then he is also a fantastic spinner of the yarns. (p.s. Numby, show me your boobs!)
Will there be any other guest stars here while I'm away? I don't know for sure yet. I've been trying to work my magic on one or two other writers out there, so tune in to see.
For now, though, I must go make sure my (finger quotes) helicopter and weapons cache (finger quotes) are ready, and rest up for my (finger quotes) adventure (finger quotes). If I make it back alive, I look forward to debriefing with all of you when I return.
* P.S. No offense, Missouri. You are home to my alma mater, two of my best friends, one of my sorta best friends, and the burial place of my virginity. We're all good, Missouri. We're all good.