...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

put me out of my missouri

Later today, I'm going rogue on a Black Ops assignment.

In that very brief sentence, I've probably compromised your safety. If you start to hear clicking on your telephone, or men trying to look nonchalant while ducking behind tree trunks or newspapers every time you turn around to confront them, I apologize. Allow me to start over with (finger quotes) my cover story (finger quotes) so as not to put you in harms way. I suggest you memorize this entry. A paper trail can only put us both in danger.

Ready?

OK.

Tomorrow morning, I'm jumping in a car with my Mom, my two sons, copies of High School Musical I and II on DVD, and embarking on the dream. Seven hours later, we'll find it when we pull in at my sister's house in Missouri*. Over the course of the next five days, I will make 312 1/2 trips to Walmart, 349 trips to Target (it's new since last summer's secret mission!), get in some time playing Barbies with my nieces (excellent!), and cry into my pillow silently at night when I think the rest of the house is asleep because, wow, my Mom and my sister can really work a self esteem number on me.

GOOD TIMES!

I assume you'll all miss me, when you're not fearing for your lives and such. Because of this (the missing, not the fearing part), I've arranged to have my doppelganger, FTN, regal you with some guest posts in my absence. I didn't even have to twist his arm to get him to agree. I assume something about the allure of being able to come over here, plop on my couch, and paw through my various drawers while I'm not looking can be pretty captivating for some people, even super anonymous people like Numby, who has come to find out more about me in this past year than some people I actually know in real life. It's amazing what you'll give up after you've been chloroformed and tied up in a basement for a couple days.

I'm extremely delighted to have FTN here. If you've not read him before, please enjoy and give him some love in the comments. As my grandma would say, he's good people.

Actually, she'd say something that is so grossly unfit for print that I'd be embarrassed to repeat it, but he really is good people, and if he were a woman, he'd probably have a rack that rivaled my own in the kick ass department, so that alone makes me crazy for him.

And if he is, in fact, a woman and has kept that detail secret from me for the better part of a year, then he is also a fantastic spinner of the yarns. (p.s. Numby, show me your boobs!)

Will there be any other guest stars here while I'm away? I don't know for sure yet. I've been trying to work my magic on one or two other writers out there, so tune in to see.

For now, though, I must go make sure my (finger quotes) helicopter and weapons cache (finger quotes) are ready, and rest up for my (finger quotes) adventure (finger quotes). If I make it back alive, I look forward to debriefing with all of you when I return.

* P.S. No offense, Missouri. You are home to my alma mater, two of my best friends, one of my sorta best friends, and the burial place of my virginity. We're all good, Missouri. We're all good.

Labels:

29 Comments:

Anonymous She Hereby Surrenders said...

I came across your blog via The Front Desk and have been lurking for a day or so.. I figure now would be as good a time as ever to peek out from hiding to let you know I'm not stalking you.

Good luck with the trip!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 3:16:00 AM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

:-)
Make sure you add "I am an American Citizen and I support the government, policies, and laws of the United States". It will at least throw them off for a little while and enable you to escape. It also helps make the clicking go away. Copper, not aluminum, mesh head gear with a grounding strap helps too.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 5:54:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

You crack me up!

Have a great time!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 6:06:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Have fun!! Not sure you will, but give it the ol' college try!

Hallie :)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 6:10:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

Hope you have a great time!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 6:48:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

What ever happened to the good old days of kids playing slug-bug and the alphabet game instead of watching DVD's.

I think I am officially old and crotchety for saying such a thing.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 7:02:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well, I'll certainly miss you while you're gone, my dear. Nothin' against Numb(er) One, but I see him alla time, knowwhatimean?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 7:29:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

"The burial place of my virginity" -- I love that.

Have a great time in MO.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:06:00 AM  
Blogger Alice said...

Good luck! I had my very first anxiety attack after visiting my fam. Now I prepare myself with drugs before I visit.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:14:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Yes, drugs are a good idea. In the event that doesn't happen, rent some good DVDs for yourself and catch up on all the movies sans penguins, donkeys, and chipmunks.

Have fun!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

Ah the joys of visiting family. I always try to squeeze in trips to the liquor store in between Wal-Mart & Target. Whatever it takes to get through the week man.

And now you've got me singing "What time is it?" Fabulous.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Here; I'll lend you my super-secret decoder ring, 'cuz if you're (finger quotes) GOING IN, you may need 'em.

Aren't family times fun?

Good luck, and remember- should you or any of your team be caught or killed, FTN will have to disavow any knowledge of your actions.

This comment will self destruct in five seconds. If I can find the right button, that is.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 9:35:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I've been pawing through the drawers here, and just let me say that I was hoping for a glimpse of some frilly yellow undies. I can't believe instead I find that you've been hiding the entire Lawrence Welk discography on LP in your armoire.

Give your mom and sister my love. Tell your mom that she can still send the naked photos anytime.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Perfect time to go on vacation since I won't be here to miss you so much I cry at random moments. Enjoy Missouri, although, really, it's Missouri and no offense, just not that cool.

Then again, I come from Michigan which is REALLY not that cool, so who am I to judge?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Hey, WHO SAYS Michigan isn't cool?. . .

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Go revisit the place of your lost virginity! I would if I went back home! lol Ahhhh memories.....

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 11:44:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

::whimper:: Thank you for thinking of our (MINE) saftey!

Have fun in Mazoora!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 2:45:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I also have an awesome recipe for banana puddin' that I'll share with just YOU.

Leaving a comment is like trying to get a wiff of money at Fort Knox Dam Word Verification!

Of course it would help if I wasn't dixlixick

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 2:49:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Have fun! Road trips are super great, you should be super pumped. I had a super great time on mine - no really, super I tell you.

I wish you luck, luck and lots of xanex or booze (or both)!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 4:20:00 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

Whoo hoo!!! vacay!!! I know - that was way more exclamation points than Missouri deserves, but at least it's not Idaho. Wait. I. da. Ho. Nope. Missouri loses..

I kid. I stayed at home for my vacay (STAYcation) and since the hubs worked all week, we STILL haven't made it to the lake. ARGH!!!

Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 5:44:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

aw bless your heart.
it's not bad enough that you've barely survived the summer in the midwest what with all the rain, you go and take it one step further and put your life and sanity at risk for an all out road trip.

you my friend are hardcore.

and i will miss you.

hurry home!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 6:05:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Crap, you're probably already there by now. But if you read this before a trip to Wal-Mart, take my advice and buy a white-noise machine while you're there. It really masks the sobs. Tell the fam it helps you sleep. They'll be none the wiser.

I'll miss you!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 7:11:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Oh i will miss you indeed, girl!! have a great time!! and safe travels to you all. :)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008 8:41:00 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

Yoinks. Good luck and you will be missed. Do you have your secret superspy poison pill to use on yourself as a last resort if things become truly unbearable?

Thursday, July 03, 2008 5:46:00 AM  
Blogger David said...

Best luck in the trip. Shame, I just started to read you regular and off you go in search of ancient burial grounds.
Enjoy Wally World.

Thursday, July 03, 2008 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Hurry back...extended periods of time with family have been known to cause detriment to the female psychy. (sp?)
Stacie

Thursday, July 03, 2008 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger SuperWife said...

Have a good trip! Funny...my mom and my sister like the head games, too. Perhaps leaving them at the Wal-Mart will make them think twice about it!

Thursday, July 03, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

We will miss you! Have fun. Try not to cry too much. (Or cry in front of them and make them feel REALLY guilty. Then hold that over them for the rest of the trip.)

Thursday, July 03, 2008 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I hope that it wasn't part of my job description to respond to the buttload of comments you get, too.

Because I'm much too lazy and unambitious for that kind of thing.

Thursday, July 03, 2008 12:43:00 PM  

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