a letter to my neighbor on the occasion of a warm saturday
Hi! It was surprising to see you this weekend. I suppose you could tell that by my scream. The one that made you look up from your lawn mower and glance around? Yeah. That one. Loud enough to hear it over small machinery. Pretty impressive, if you ask me.
Speaking of impressive. Wow, your man pelt is coming in nicely with the warmer temps! I always thought shaggier animals were inclined to shed during balmier months, but apparently I was wrong. That's a right fine downy layer you're sporting, neighbor. I'm especially taken with the lack of demarcation that is apparent starting at the curve of your ass and running up over your shoulders, then down to what I often hear affectionately referred to as "the treasure trail."
Though, in your case, I think "the treasure thatch" might be more accurate. Especially since the equation of unemployment + free time x several cases of Miller Light (I'm not judging, dude, but you knocked that wall of empties down in your struggle for the weed whacker, so, you know, not really a secret...) = plenty of ground upon which the grass to grow, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Now, I'm a fan of shirtless men. Big time! Heck, I'm even a fan of hairy men. However, sometimes you just have to have a change of heart when you're hoisting that Hanes Beefy T up out of your waistband and find your fingers getting tangled in the treasure thatch.
So, scary hairy neighbor, since you can't seem to decide when it's a good time to keep your shirt on, I've provided you with the following tips:
- If bears attempt to hunt you in hopes of bagging a you skin rug for their libraries, you should keep your shirt on.
- If neighborhood children wake you from a Sunday nap, begging you help them recreate the infamous scene from "The Empire Strikes Back" where Han Solo slices a stinky tauntaun open so Luke can stay warm while on the planet Hoth, you should keep your shirt on.
- If, after a particularly taxing day working out in the humid Midwestern air, you can wring out your back hair, you should keep your shirt on.
- If you always answer "It's just you," to the query "Is it cold in here or is it just me?", you should keep your shirt on.
- If Michael Stipe of R.E.M. opens a concert by dedicating the song Hairshirt to you, you should keep your shirt on.
- If bald men speak in hushed tones and bestow you with gifts and golden trinkets as though you were some sort of tribal king, you should keep your shirt on.
- If you have to part the strands to scratch your belly, you should keep your shirt on.
- If you go to Jamaica and come back with your nipples accented by a line of cornrows and beads, you should keep your shirt on.
- If Bigfoot knocks on your door and says "Dad?" before giving you a big hug, you should keep your shirt on.
- If the sun hasn't made contact with your skin since you were 10 years old, you should keep your shirt on.
- If your wife routinely prefaces her remarks to you by saying "Why, you are abominable! Whoops! Did I say 'you are'? I meant 'that is...'", you should keep your shirt on.
- If birds attempt to nest in your pectorals, you should keep your shirt on.
Like that thick patch on your left shoulder, I could go on and on, scary, hairy neighbor. Instead, I'll just apologize for the screaming and the temporary lull it placed in your yard work. You are a true testament to testosterone, and I would bow to you, but I'm afraid the hair on my head would spark that upon your chest, and I don't wish to start an inferno. You're hot enough already.
I mean literally. You have got to be hot with that much hair on your body, right?!
Signed,
Your less hairy neighbor who is always after her husband to keep things tidy, and awaits the sale of your house to Numby, who should get cracking and make an offer because they just lowered the price again, and apparently he doesn't scare the laydeez when he mows sans shirt.
Labels: got a devil's haircut in my mind
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 11:20 PM
31 Comments:
Oh hun, sorry for the untidyness of your neighbor's back, I have to agree guys like that do need to keep their shirts on.
S.R.
This really wasn't the post to read on a Monday morning, while eating oatmeal.
Ugh.
That scene in Empire is my favorite. LOL
"nipples accented by cornrows and beads"--oh, dear Fadkog. You hit the Funny right there. ROFL.
WE GONNA NEED MORE WAX!
Sorry, that chest-waxing scene in "40-Year Old Virgin" is my most favoritest thing ever.
YOWWWW, KELLY CLARKSON!
If I move in next door, you will be stunned by my lack of body hair. You'll think David Beckham moved in. But, you know, without all the tattoos and the 6-pack and the creepy robot wife.
perhaps if you took pictures, you could convince National Geographic that he is, indeed bigfoot. That should make you some money!
And FTN, Beckham is only 6' tall, a midget next to you.
Brilliant post!
I am so grossed out right now! lol
You live next door to Bigfoot? I'm on my way over with my camera now!
Man pelts rock!!! I think those that protest the loudest are really closet pelt lovers!
You are secretly hoping to floss your teeth with his hairy strands, aren't you?
Hallie
Well, see, ever since 7th grade, when I began sprouting body hair before everybody in my class (except the two guys who had taken a bit more than 7 years to get there, if you knowwhatimean), I've been a big fan of body hair (even Molly's, but that's another conversation for another time).
But, truth to tell, I'm only hairier-than-average; and it's light-brown, shading gray, so what there is, isn't so obviously, you know, hairy. Far, far from sasquatch-likeness.
And Molly likes it, so I guess that's really the key parameter, isn't it?
And hey - anybody who can drop 'tauntaun' into casual conversation, appropriately used, is WAY too into the whole 'Star Wars' franchise. . . But, I tip my hat to you, nevertheless. . .
I have never heard Treasure Trail before. See how informative you are? This is education, plain and simple! I have heard it referred to as the stairway to heaven. Whatever man, tomato tomahto.
Okay I needed some advance notification of this post. Laugh? Yes indeed. Pee? Yes again. Choke? oh yes indeed, all of my lunch.
Amazing!
My in-laws came over for dinner last week and I mentioned the Burt Reynolds centerfold from the 70s (don’t ask me why or how this subject came up because I have absolutely no idea how my mind rambles and then associates things).
I told them how icked out I was with all the hair and my FIL said… ::shiver:: ‘hey! to be hairy is to be manly! why would you want a hairless man to touch you?’
I don’t know why but him saying those things to me just gave me the willies.
Ick. Just IIIICK!
*wiping tears* - I can't tell if man-bear is better or worse than my female neighbor who mows the lawn with her shorts hiked up under her boobs while issuing orders to her husband and son. And yes, you can hear those over the mower too.
It's always the hairy ones that run around topless. I don't mind hair, but a man pelt is a bit much for anyone.
Loved the bit about the "you skin rug".
I should add that, proud as I am of my august hirsutitude, the gene pool has not seen fit to pass that trait on, at least to my three oldest sons. Smooth as babies' behinds, those boys. . . (*sigh*)
And I've always wondered. . . Does 'Numby' rhyme with 'Yummy' or 'Gumby'?
OMG, that paints a very bad picture in my poor brain. I mean, c'mon guy, I'd wax you for free.
I couldn't get past the fact that you just admitted you liked hairy men.
I am not a fan. (Unless it is some rockin facial hair)
And right now, with my pregnant belly, I think I might be more hairy than the hairy scarey neighbor.
:) The Maid
"man pelt"! girl, you never cease to trip my ass out!! hilarious post.
Wow, that was funny! And also very much Eww.
There's this guy who comes to our pool that looks like he's wearing a sweater. And it weirdly stops right where a short sleeved shirt would on his arms. All I can think of when I look at him is what it would feel like to reach around and grab a fur rug while being intimate. Just wrong. Sooooo wrong.
At what point does the hair become impressive rather than disgusting?
As a light skinned, light haired person, even if I had crazy hair, you would not be able to see it.
My dear, I am terribly sorry. Having had occasion to spy the red bikini I thought it only neighborly to put-out so-to-speak for your personal enjoyment. How was one to know that carpeting was on your permanent 'no' list? With all sincerest apologies, I shall endeavor to find a shaving partner to rectify the situation.
Any takers? Would there be but one charitable soul out there with industrail shears? Anyone?
Summer Rose - There's a brief confusion when you see him. You're never quite sure if he's shirtless or not!
Cocotte - It's hard to stomach much of anything after a front row seat to this guy!
Heather - One of mine, as well, and I've tainted it a bit with the Hairy Neighbor!
1blueshi1 - Every once in awhile, I trip over the funny!
ftn - Not if...WHEN...you bring your Beckhamness to my neighborhood, I imagine I'll see you lounging off the sides of the deck in your man pouch underwear. I imagine it because, well, that's how I always imagine you.
RS - I truly believe this man is the reason why I have a true fear of Sasquatches!
Michael - Thank you!
Choppzs - Sorry!
Chag - I'll let you hide out to catch a glimpse from the comfort of my living room. You will sream, though. Dude is scary hairy!
Hallie - Ha! I have pulled enough errant hairs from between my teeth to now I like my man pelts a bit waxed, thank you very much!
Des - The fact that I'm trapped in a house filled with boys means I have no choice but to be down with all the Star Wars lore. Even though, OK, in fourth grade, I had Star Wars folders for my school work, and planned to marry Han Solo! I'd kick his hairy sidekick out, though!
April - Stairway to heaven?! Ok, now I'VE learned something!
David - Hopefully after all was said and done in that experience, you came away unscathed!
Bee - Reading your comment made me want to call my FIL and tell him NEVER, EVER, EVER to even talk about hair around me. You are a strong, strong person!
Alice - Oh, I have had that neighbor, too. It's pretty much a draw, I think.
Meg - I must say, I am a fan of some body hair, but yeah, when you can't tell the difference between hair and clothes, it's a big, big mistake!
Des - "Numby" rhymes with "Cake." YUMMY delicious cake in my TUMMY!
Wethyb - Come armed with a gigantic, industrial sized vat of wax!
Becky - Tasteful, normal amounts of hair. Not the type that makes me want to scream "YETI!" like this man has. That's the line where my fandom of body hair rests!
Katie - Thank you! Good to see you back around, too...
Emily - It is a million times EWWW!
Biscuit - It would be impossible for me to take my eyes off of him. Seriously. I would need my sunglasses and a magazine up over my face to disguise the fact that I was mesmorized by his fur.
Bogart - It becomes sort of disgusting when you are a very pale man with very dark hair. A lot of very, very dark hair.
Roger Bear - A bear named Roger is no doubt a very classy bear. I picture you in a smoking jacket, Roger Bear. I like to shave patterns in to carpets and then giggle. You might need a volunteer who is more focused on their job!
Nothing quite like enjoying your backyard scenery complete with yard-keeping wildlife. I've only got the plant eating deer. This might be the funniest post I have read in awhile. Thanks!
Speaking of Everclear (like my segue/non sequitur there?), we were drinking PJ and playing strip poker one night in college and as I squinted drunkenly at him, I thought my friend's boyfriend had changed into a brown sweatsuit. He was butt naked and covered in hair at the tender age of 22. Apparently, he lives in your neighborhood now.
Two words: Get syndicated.
Oh my freak.
Nothing says sweaty man like ohhh I can't finish the sentence....gaarroooosss.
close the curtains. close 'em!
Susie - Here on the cul de sac, we take wildlife to a completely different level! Thanks for your comment! I've marked your site to visit!
That Girl - You are so fantastic for my ego! I adore you! Now, about that Everclear...we were too low rent for actual fruit in our cocktails! We would by the 99 cent jug of fruit or grape punch, whatever our high brow hearts desired, and mix it up. Always more Everclear then cheap juice! Always! We just referred to it as 'jungle juice.' I totally just got a little queasy recalling this!
Words to your two - Would love the gig!
kimmy - Oh, how I miss you! Had Tool Man been home, he would have been my alert system. He's always with the "OH! Don't turn around!" Of course, my head's whipping before he get's 'don't' out. This dude and his body hair very nearly blocks the sun, so I have to keep the blinds open for what I can get!
If you cause your neighbors to scream in fright when you are out mowing your lawn, you should keep your shirt on...
YIKES!
Stacie
I'm rolling on the floor here! I'm married to an Italian and he isn't this bad.
(Tell Roger Bear I got a bucket of wax waiting for him.)
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