things i'd tweet if i twittered
- I'd kill for Adam Sandler's career. Kill! Then cash my "Good job being stupid today!" check, hands clean.
- Hey y'all. Y'all, listen to this! Spent most of Sunday watching a Paula Deen marathon on Food Network, y'all. Y'all? I can't stop talking like this! Y'all!
- Doing Summer Bridge workbooks to keep my kids brainy. My brain? Um. Yeah. Not so much. Give Mommy a minute, k? Metaphors. Metaphors. What's a metaphor...
- Put some South in your mouth, y'all! See?! I can't freakin' stop with the Paula Deen talk, y'all
- I believe I'm a better actress than Zooey Deschanel, and my acting career ended after a triumphant run in a nonspeaking part as one of the playing cards in my 8th grade production of Alice in Wonderland. And scene...
- If The Happening sucks because of Zooey Deschanel (or the "evil" turns out to be the air) I'll be pissed. I'm already sort of pissed.
- Ha ha! Walking among the grass clippings on the driveway after mowing, my Mom said she was going to give it a blow job. I counted to 10. She finally got it around 7.
- BTW? Laughing about blow jobs with your mom? Bonding. Bonding AND awesome!
- My adorable son, when you pat my back when giving me a hug (five times, just like I do to yours), I want to hold you there forever. Then you get all bitchy because I'm keeping you from your real love, wrestling.
- Also? When you hang out alone in your room and I hear you reading Dr. Seuss books and listening to They Might Be Giants? Makes me want to drag strangers off the street and tell them to listen. Listen! He's mine!
- I believe I'm this close to going full blaze cougar on The Jonas Brothers.
- My pride, you ask? I lost it around the age of 5, when I also lost control of my bladder at the city library. Thanks for believing me, Mom.
- Nearly 40 comments on a post about salad dressing?! Had the post been about how I can't eat salad dressing today because salad dressing killed my father, I bet it would have netted 19! Blogging is truly a sociological experiment.
- My ass apparently wants Adam Sandler's career, too, because it's killing me. Welcome back to biking.
- Hi, weird neighbor woman (girl?) I only see sporadically as you do the Walk of Shame to your car. Here's a tip. Pink sweatpants that read "juicy" across your ass (is yours killing you, too?) and black heels is a colossal 'don't'.
- If I come back, I want to come back as Annie Lennox. Or old school Stevie Nicks. Either works.
- Of course I know what a metaphor is. This blog entry is a crater, useless and empty.
Labels: completely incomplete
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 12:15 AM
36 Comments:
am utterly in bluv with you.
and from what I've read about "The Happening" on the various geek blogs and sites I read, you are going to be pissed.
The Happening screened for press in Seattle today... sadly you can't blame this train wreck of a movie on Zooey.
Hmmmm, while I think that I am close to my Mum, somehow I don't think that we will be laughing and bonding over BJs!!!
This blog entry is funny not useless - amusing not empty!
Sometimes I just can't think of a complete post either, so I have a Random Thought Bubble!! ;-)
omg. if i ever spoke to my mother and the words blow and job come up...girl, i am gettin' my shit and goin' the fuck home.
hell no.
if i died i'd wanna come back as sweet dreams are made of this annie lennox. that orange hair rocked! and you know orange is my favorite color!
love your little boy. that is just too damn sweet. suess. who knew?!?
loooove me some paula. she's a 'real' buttah kind of gal.
hugs and best dishes y'all!
Your Mom cracks me up!
Mom's that CAN and WILL laugh over a blow job joke...PRICELESS.
Hallie
Speaking of Moms.....the only thing my Mom and MIL have in common is their mutual hatred of Paula Deen. I just don't get that - I think she's sweet and sassy, y'all!
I thought Zooey was just fine as a cartoon penguin in "Surf's Up." Then again, that role didn't require her to do complicated stuff like... I dunno, change facial expressions.
There are worse niches to find, I guess.
A Paula Deen marathon?? You must have a deathwish. I can handle her for one, MAYBE two episodes, and then I have to run screaming.
Okay, your blog posts are never useless and empty. They more like hot as fire and funny as shit!!
i love Paula Deen. everything she makes gets a stick of buttah. girlfriend could be making lemonade and in goes a stcik of buttah. i love that about her.
and that Barefoot Contessa on food network. i wanna be her. i want that life she lives!
I think i say y'all every other minute. in Hotlanta, it's what we all say, y'all.
the Walk of Shame is definitely the modern equivalent of the Indian gauntlet that white captives used to have to run to be accepted into the tribe after they were taken--not that I would know, of course.
the first time my mom ever discussed relations with me, I was seventeen/possibly eighteen and she came to visit my first apartment, requested a straightbacked chair to sit in instead of my wicker living room furniture because "Your father and I experimented a little last night"
I think I threw up a little in the back of my mouth and experienced temporary blindness.
Your counting to ten reminds me of when a teenaged me watched an SNL skit with my mom. Jason Priestly was the guest that week, and played a character named Johnny Hildo. Naturally, he kept being called Johnny Dildo. My mom laughed a few times, then hesitated and said, "I mean, I get it, they're calling him the wrong name, but am I missing something?" Never has a dildo been so delicately described.
The funniest part was when she looked at me and in all sincerity asked, "Are those new?"
Don't mess with the Zohan.
I thought Zooey was adorable in Elf.
Previews for The Happening look incredible, but I've been fooled by previews before. They've broken my heart.
The amount of time, effort, and thought you put into a blog entry is inversely proportional to the amount of comment-love you get on it. This is known as "FTN's Theorem."
I should also mention that you look totally HOT in the pink juicy sweatpants and high heels. Sorry that's all I had to loan you after you were at my place last night.
The grass clipping comment made me laugh. Similar story this weeken. Janet asked me weeks ago to remove unwanted rocks from lawn.I decided Saturday would be the day.
"what are your plans today David"?
"Getting my rocks off" I declared
Odd look from wife!
Yeah, me too on the Adam Sandler thing. He gets paid to be stupid and unfunny? Where do I sign?
Molly's mom has been known to drop a pretty mean double-E, as far as I know completely unaware of what she's saying. . .
Yeah, we had the girl-next-door, too. . . Well, she didn't exactly live next door, but we'd occasionally cross paths in the morning. Yeah, we know that girl. No 'Juicy' sweats, tho; that's just plain awful. . .
And - Annie Lennox. . . who am I to disagree?
I'll never understand Adam Sandler. Sure, I like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. But after that, it was the same thing over and over and over again.
Man.
I would so follow all your tweets. I would follow them because they make me smile and that puts a little dimple on my cheek. Only one cheek though because I smile lopsided. Some call it a birth defect and I beat the crap out of them. ;o)
P.S.
I too detest the Sandman but for some weird reason I love "50 First Dates"... ???
If my mother was still alive I would not share bj stories with her, of course that is just me not wanting to her to know.
S.R.
I think I'v already gone cougar for David Cook! lol The Jonas Brothers though? I get a little creeped out when I'm attracted to someone my daughter thinks is "hot" lol Like that kid from Highschool Musical! lol
Saw your comment on WWoW about cake for breakfast and now it's official. I think we should go to California and get married. I don't think my husband will mind, how 'bout yours?
My MIL and I were having lunch with two friends. We were talking about our husband's standing in line for baseball player autographs. One friend says to MIL "I didn't know your husband was into sports memorabilia." And the MIL says "Oh yes, he has wonderful balls." I blew chicken salad out of my nose.
I'm concerned with The Happening, as well. What happened to M. Night? He used to be cool!
Love the randomness. And the bj joke with your mom. And I have done the walk of shame in boxer shorts and heels. Please don't judge.
I won't vouch for her acting, but Zooey is absolutely adorable and I would totally steal her wardrobe if I knew her address.
You mentioned Paula Deen and TMBG in the same post. How awesome are you?!?!?!?!?! I remember taking my daughter to her first (and only) TMBG concert and thinking, f*@$ I am too old to be here. LOL
Girl- you just rock. I am crushed out on your blog. You have to expand on the last comment you left me and write a post about it (see my comment back to you).
Your native-Southern-speaking fan.
BP Dad - And I utterly bluv you, too! It is MNT 2 B!
Michael - This doesn't surprise me. I was also pinning some of my pissed offedness on the "this is my scared face" of Mark Wahlberg, and for how this is lamely being advertised as "the director's !!!FIRST!!! R-rated movie!!!"
Sam - Thank you! And thank you for the visit and comment. For what it's worth, that bonding conversation is very rare!
kimmy - Hey, y'all! Come here and little momma give ya a little love, y'all! No need to run away. The only B-word talk we'll do is about Paula's bread puddin'!
I want to come back as early 90s solo artist Annie, though any Annie is a good Annie.
Phyllis - The lady goes in waves with that unintended hilarity!
WoWW - Which is good, because I can't afford her!
Cocotte - I can normally take her in small doses, but what's to hate about a woman who rubs a stick a butter onto anything she touches!
Twobusy - This is probably lame, but sometimes, when it's really boring at the bookstore, a couple co-workers and I have tried to "out Zooey" the other with our lack of facial expression and emoting. I am close to Academy Award worthy!
Kelly - This was the most Paula I've taken in at one time, so it's surprising I came through as unscathed as I did!
Katie - Hey, y'all! Lord, there are days I go full blown Britney with the "y'all!" talk. I must be halfway ready for a move to Hotlanta!
1blueshi1 - Oh my! Oh...ha! Considering I never even got "The Talk" from my mom, I'd have been inclined to die thousand tiny, painful deaths if my own mom started talking like that! Hilarious!
Melissa - I can't even begin to think how I'd describe what a dildo is to my mom. I fear there'd be charts and diagrams involved, and then we'd have to break for lunch before resuming talks!
ftn - I think we're being fooled by the previews. I think they are taunting us, showing us all the "good" parts (minus Mark W.'s poor playing scared range). You know what's not foolish? Me tucking a pair of shorts in my bag so the next time I have to dash out of your place in the morning, I look less "day after" and more "fresh and hot."
David - Oh, very well done!
Des - Well done on dropping the lyric! And well done to your MIL, for the innocent double E is sometimes the best double E.
Chag - Amen, except I can't even find a way to like those two you mentioned. I wonder if he laughs annoyingly each time he cashes a check. Rob Schnieder probably does.
Bee - Bee, you are such the sweet talker! I'd twit for you and you alone (and that adorable lopsided dimple) if I didn't think it would mean I'd find myself attached permanently to the computer. I've a bit of an addiction issue!
Bee - I've even tried to sit through 50 First Dates. Couldn't do it. Maybe because it was on TBS and littered with commercials, but still.
Summer - Believe me, that was among a very small handful of times my mom has ever said the word "blow job" in my delicate presence!
Choppzs - Eh, I can't feel it for David Cook, but that could be because I don't watch AI. I have tried to hold off on my Jonas Bro., crushing, but it's getting harder to keep at bay. Same with Zac Ephron. That kid has hypnotized me with his weird glowing eyes!
April - I could probably take a long weekend trip to California, and my husband wouldn't realize until about the third day that I was gone, so I think we're good to run off! I suggest, from the sound of things, that we avoid chicken salad on this adventure!
Meg - No judging you, dear, especially if your boxers didn't have a verb written along the back of them!
Therese - It's my belief that if you stole Zooey's clothes, she'd look at you blankly, and in her robot delivery, say "Oh. No. Do not steal my clothes. No. No. No." but she wouldn't move, and you wouldn't be able to tell if she was serious, so you'd just be able to walk out the front door with a nice selection of dresses.
Heather - I believe I am so awesome that linguists haven't yet found a word strong enough to convey the awesomeness. I seem to be the only one who thinks that, though!
That Girl - I am so crushed on you. I am so crushed I am scribbling our initials all over my Trapper Keeper, and planning our grey and pink wedding! When we get back from our super cheesy honeymoon, I'll see about kicking that post idea around. I've jotted a note to myself (next to the "TGFS+FADKOG" heart I wrote with my purple jelly pen!)
The agony of DAFEET!!!
Brilliant!!
Hallie
juicy? didn't those go out of style about 5 years ago?
WWoW - Every once in awhile, inspiration kicks me in the ass with dafeet!
Mandy - You thought so too, huh!? Sadly, I see more and more that isn't the case.
What's a blow job? I just don't give, um, I mean get it. I won't quit my day job--which coincidentally involves blowing. Lack of sleep and blog commenting do not mix! :D
Nan - I've heard of these things, but I can't seem to find any written evidence! My day job sucks more than it blows. I think I need a raise!
Girlfriend, I saw "The Happening" yesterday. I really, really, really wanted to like it. Really. But, IT SUCKED. Zooey sucks, Mark sucks, everyone but Betty Buckley sucks. Boring as can be. Waiting, and waiting and waiting to be "on the edge of my seat" as one reviewer said I would be.
And, it's "R" for bloody violence....and it's not even that interesting. Don't waste your money. It's a renter - one that you borrow from a friend who was stupid enough to rent it.
Why, oh why, can't M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong get another good idea, like "Signs" or "The Sixth Sense?" I'm afraid he's lost it.
Claire - I've heard from friends this weekend who endured "The Happening," and not one of them even liked it a little bit. I'm not even sure I can bring myself to spend a buck and rent this when it comes out sooner rather than later on DVD. I gave up on this guy after "The Sixth Sense".
I don't think I would want to Twitter...if I could/would blog at a moments notice everything I was thinking, it would probably kill any hope I have of ever running for office!
My ass is killing me too, because it is attached to the torso attached to the neck attached to the brainless head that thinks that Paula Deen is a goddess of all things butter, and therefore has caused my ass to be as wide as the Mississip. I was thinking of loaning it out as a dam on that damn river for y'all in those southparts, but Jim reminded me I dont like to get wet, so instead I will sit here and read about your mom and blow jobs.
And I am sad about The Happening. So very sad. But then remember, I am the only person on the planet that liked Cloverfield, so maybe I will be the one loser that will buy a ticket and keep Mr M Night "Shamalama-ding-dong" (loves it Clair) in the writing biz.
Bogart - I'm pretty sure Twittering would suck what small part of an actual life I try to live clean away.
Lori - Paula is some good eatin', y'all! Well, I've only had her bread pudding, and OMG, I felt my arteries sieze up by the second bite!
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