things i'd tweet if i twittered

• I'd kill for Adam Sandler's career. Kill! Then cash my "Good job being stupid today!" check, hands clean.
• Hey y'all. Y'all, listen to this! Spent most of Sunday watching a Paula Deen marathon on Food Network, y'all. Y'all? I can't stop talking like this! Y'all!
• Doing Summer Bridge workbooks to keep my kids brainy. My brain? Um. Yeah. Not so much. Give Mommy a minute, k? Metaphors. Metaphors. What's a metaphor...
• Put some South in your mouth, y'all! See?! I can't freakin' stop with the Paula Deen talk, y'all
• I believe I'm a better actress than Zooey Deschanel, and my acting career ended after a triumphant run in a nonspeaking part as one of the playing cards in my 8th grade production of Alice in Wonderland. And scene...
• If The Happening sucks because of Zooey Deschanel (or the "evil" turns out to be the air) I'll be pissed. I'm already sort of pissed.
• Ha ha! Walking among the grass clippings on the driveway after mowing, my Mom said she was going to give it a blow job. I counted to 10. She finally got it around 7.
• BTW? Laughing about blow jobs with your mom? Bonding. Bonding AND awesome!
• My adorable son, when you pat my back when giving me a hug (five times, just like I do to yours), I want to hold you there forever. Then you get all bitchy because I'm keeping you from your real love, wrestling.
• Also? When you hang out alone in your room and I hear you reading Dr. Seuss books and listening to They Might Be Giants? Makes me want to drag strangers off the street and tell them to listen. Listen! He's mine!
• I believe I'm this close to going full blaze cougar on The Jonas Brothers.
• My pride, you ask? I lost it around the age of 5, when I also lost control of my bladder at the city library. Thanks for believing me, Mom.
• Nearly 40 comments on a post about salad dressing?! Had the post been about how I can't eat salad dressing today because salad dressing killed my father, I bet it would have netted 19! Blogging is truly a sociological experiment.
• My ass apparently wants Adam Sandler's career, too, because it's killing me. Welcome back to biking.
• Hi, weird neighbor woman (girl?) I only see sporadically as you do the Walk of Shame to your car. Here's a tip. Pink sweatpants that read "juicy" across your ass (is yours killing you, too?) and black heels is a colossal 'don't'.
• If I come back, I want to come back as Annie Lennox. Or old school Stevie Nicks. Either works.
• Of course I know what a metaphor is. This blog entry is a crater, useless and empty.