...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, September 08, 2008

coming clean about my dirty mind

To say that cleaning my house gets me a little turned on would be an understatement. A really, really embarrassing understatement.

Really.

I realize in the past, I've led you to believe I disliked cleaning, and I confess now I did that so as not to appear odd (some would say more odd) or weird (others would say more weird, whereas I would say weirder) to you (at least two of you would say more than you already do). Bear in mind that when I confessed this alleged disdain for cleaning, I did so in a post in which I trumpeted the joys of cleaning while naked (Go on and go read it. I'll wait.), and when I sat back and read it upon it's completion last year, I thought, "Yep, you know, the naked thing really does sell it. My work here is done. Kudos, me!"

So, to turn a phrase, today is the day I'm coming clean (while fully dressed, I should add, because confession, while delightful, is not akin to actual cleaning, thus it requires clothing) and admitting my love affair with cleaning. I'm a wee bit, shall we say, anal about cleaning.

--- Before we say that, however, let me pause to say hello to all those who will now find my blog by searching Google for 'anal cleaning.' Come, sit, and enjoy your time here. Let me introduce you to the others. Everyone interested in the doing things doggy style, welcome the anal cleaning hobbyists. And...that about covers everyone. --

When I clean, I'm giddy with the idea of transforming the disgusting into the delightful. Restoring order where once there was chaos makes my skin flush. The feeling of satisfaction brought on by cleaning closets burns through me and compels me to fondle their knobs, and swing open their doors just so I can admire (aka lust over) the newly achieved storage space, neatly folded towels, and perfectly aligned rolls of toilet paper.

Mmmmm....I had me at perfectly aligned rolls of toilet paper...

You probably think I'm kidding, especially since a few paragraphs back, I outted myself as a bit of a liar (or we could say embellisher of yarns and amusing bon mots), but in this instance, I absolutely am not. Just ask my Tool Man. He'd tell you that, on more than one occasion, he's discovered me, head-first in the refrigerator, body illuminated simply by it's light, as I drink in the heady scent of cleaning products, and admire the gleaming shelves of perfectly organized yogurt cartons and rows of condiments.

I just totally gave myself the shivers typing that! You know like the kind of fluttery delightfulness that runs through your body when you first see a cute guy you know you're going to kiss (or Backpacking Dad)(but probably minus the kissing)? Yeah! Totally like that!

Seriously. Cleaning turns me on.

Alas, I've come to the conclusion I might need to nip this pleasure in its delightful (and dust free!) bud. See if you agree: After hours in my kitchen spent organizing shelves and wiping down cabinets, after cleaning out the refrigerator from top to bottom, I got my super sexy Dyson out to vacuum the floor (and perhaps the toaster)(and my broom)(do not judge me). When every nook and cranny of the floor was clean, I grabbed the vacuum hose and a long attachment, and crawled into the garbage cabinet, ready to do battle with anything that lurked there. With my head in the muck and my ass in the air, I was pushing and pulling the vacuum hose to and fro. Gleeful? Indeed. So much so that, when I felt something suddenly smack up against my ass (which was bouncing along to the cougary songs of the Jonas Brothers), I was all, "Hold on, baby! Just let me get into this back corner here and I'll be right with you! I am so turned on right now! Look how much gunk I sucked out of the garbage cabinet!"

Except no one responded to my seductive tones. All I could hear was the hum of the Dyson (and the beating of my heart!). I'd just been hit on - and responded to with sexually charged, cleaning enhanced lust - by my vacuum! And I liked it!

So...yeah...

I'll close by confessing that I've let my house go to pot a little bit this week, because, clearly, if I'm responding to the smooth, flirtatious ways of my vacuum, I need to focus a little less attention on waxing my floors, and giving more toward sprucing things up with my Tool Man.

However, Tool Man does seem to have a thing for when I'm down there scrubbing toilets...

Labels:

54 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

I think I'm seeing housecleaning in a whole new light now... wow, this was a really educational post!

Monday, September 08, 2008 12:34:00 AM  
Anonymous kateanon said...

I always clean in just my undies. Once in a blue moon less. It's why I use nothing nontoxic to clean with.

I know it's tough to deny the appeal of the Dyson. Mine's taunting me right now. But enjoy getting dirty for more pleasant reasons.

Monday, September 08, 2008 1:37:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I've never really seen the appeal of Dysons myself - it must be a girl thing. They're very expensive and don't do anything more than a normal vaccuum. As far as actually cleaning the floor is concerned, that is.

I wish I could get some pleasure out of cleaning. Maybe I should hire one of those naked maids...

Monday, September 08, 2008 2:04:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Kind of like when I fry chicken nekkid....
yeah... I so lust you

Monday, September 08, 2008 3:59:00 AM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

I will admit again here that I HATE the cleaning. And I have "allergies", which means that I don't vacuum. Ever.

But even I covet one of those Dysons. they're like four feet of gleaming steal and sex appeal.

Monday, September 08, 2008 5:43:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Cleaning and sex, together? Why do you think I'm wearing this french maid get-up?

Monday, September 08, 2008 6:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Sam (The Edge Of Insanity) said...

I love hanging out in the cleaning supplies aisle. You should have seen me when I brought home my Scrubbing Bubbles automatic shower cleaner. I went through a whole bottle of solution in one day- I kept turning it on to watch the pretty little stream of solution clean my shower. It was love.

Monday, September 08, 2008 7:33:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I love to hear cleaning talk.
Wouldn't that have been funny though if someone else had been slapping your butt and not your husband, and you said that?

Monday, September 08, 2008 7:37:00 AM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

It's a really good thing you're already married, because it sounds like you're my husband's ideal woman. Me? Not so much with the cleaning. I like the results but OY the effort...

Monday, September 08, 2008 8:19:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I like cleaning. But I could use some advice from a specialist. The people that lived here before me were not as clean as I would have liked for them to be so there are parts of the house that are possibly beyond recovery. I just can't get them clean and it's bugging the hell out of me.

Monday, September 08, 2008 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, I've heard much pervier vacuum stories than yours. . .

But - you vacuumed out your broom? I have to say, that prompted a certain, low-whistling, head-shaking admiration from me. . .

Monday, September 08, 2008 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

it's actually the organizing - and not so much the cleaning - that gets me hot. :)

Monday, September 08, 2008 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Hate to clean. Hate to organize. And now I find out that my Dyson is a big whore. Ugh.

Monday, September 08, 2008 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

I so wish I had your passion for cleaning. Anything. A little. But nope. It took me all day Saturday to convince myself to clean out those junk drawers that multiply like bunnies on a full moon. I love me a clean and spotless house, but I dont like to get my hands dirty cleaning it.

I so used to be a type A, now I am a type Z...

Sadly

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Would it be totally dirty to have you come clean my house while I watched? Cause I'm a voyeur that way. I like to watch other people do it, if possible!

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:22:00 AM  
Blogger TomboCheck said...

Effin Hilarious! That might be the best combination ever, coming home to a clean house AND a sexually aroused woman.

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

When I'm stressed out, I clean. Seriously, I've volunteered to clean people's houses, because there is nothing more soothing than having everything be neat and clean.

So, wanna clean some stovetops together?

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I got a Dyson too and that bitch sure knows how to suck!

Your post about cleaning has actually turned me on and made me want to get out there and tackle some garage organization! Want to come help? ;)

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

I just can't bring myself to get the dyson. You do make a good case for it though. Now if you could just get a sponsorship. The commercials would certainly be fun to watch.

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger Andrea with the Flipflops said...

it would turn me on to see someone clean my house ....

Monday, September 08, 2008 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger just a girl... said...

you are killing me! And shivers fuck you are funny.

Monday, September 08, 2008 12:22:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Wow. Maybe I should send the the Polish Underground Girls who clean on Tuesday away for a few weeks so I could watch you Dyson around my house.

Sigh.

Monday, September 08, 2008 1:50:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

When you say "waxing your floors," do you mean...

Oh. You mean waxing your floors. Never mind.

So all of these cleaning terms ("head-first in the refrigerator," "fondle their knobs") weren't double entendres for something else? Crap. That took all the fun out of this post for me.

Monday, September 08, 2008 2:20:00 PM  
Anonymous DC Urban Dad said...

Wow, I need something cold to drink.

Monday, September 08, 2008 4:03:00 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

So...I am out wandering around in blogland and I land here at your blog. No problem except that I am at work and it was difficult to explain why I was laughing hysterically. I have learned my lesson though - wear a Depends whenever I stop in here for a visit - I can't wait to read more - when I am at home ;)

Monday, September 08, 2008 4:15:00 PM  
OpenID mommypie said...

Hmmm. Seriously considering purchasing a Dyson.

What the hell. I'm single. And maybe its rewards are just the inspiration I need to actually CLEAN.

Monday, September 08, 2008 4:56:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

While I'm not so turned on by the cleaning, I must admit, I find a clean house, very, very, sexy.
That being said, I'm off to polish some brass.

Monday, September 08, 2008 5:22:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

there are no words for how awesome this post is.

even if I can't figure out if I'm the cute guy who gets kissed or doesn't get kissed, or isn't cute.

Monday, September 08, 2008 5:26:00 PM  
Blogger Ms Picket To You said...

love to clean. LOVE to organize. don't do it on a normal basis, but when i do, it's like a mad passionate lurve affair in which i need to smoke like fifty cigarettes after.

Monday, September 08, 2008 5:33:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Anal cleaning hobbyists have a subculture to themselves, and I've known a few of them...

(ba-dump.) Thank you, I'm here all week. Remember to tip your bloggers.

Seriously, you have a Dyson? Drool...

Monday, September 08, 2008 6:20:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I hate cleaning so I am super angry when I'm doing it and don't feel the level of umm, pleasure? that your do until I've showered and walked into my spotless living room. :o)

Monday, September 08, 2008 8:12:00 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I love the way everything is after I've cleaned, but I can't really say I'm in love with the work of it. It's been getting a little more interesting, though.

I can't believe no one went here already, but you know, I'm sure that Dyson could have totally satisfied *all* your needs. Cuz you know, they vibrate. And, um, I think I'm a perv. ;)

Monday, September 08, 2008 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger jenboglass said...

I'm more into the foreplay of organizing and talking about cleaning. But once I get a mop in my hand, well, everything just goes sort of limp.

Monday, September 08, 2008 8:44:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Love the results - hate the process. For example, I still haven't folded laundry since last we spoke on the subject (though it is actually clean now)! All I need is a little more money and I'm soooo getting a housekeeper!

Monday, September 08, 2008 9:52:00 PM  
Blogger patty said...

I need to get me one of those friendly Dysons. I've got a thing for my Miele. My standoffish, cold plastic Miele.

Sigh.

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:25:00 PM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

suddenly my dyson seems so much sexier to me! ;) me-ow!!

Monday, September 08, 2008 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

LOL. Keep cleaning in nude as long as you continue to right about it!!

btw, I always thought the Dyson Dude was a bit sexy.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 6:46:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Wow I need a cigarette after that post.
And a mop.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Wowza, Girl, you have unleashed another dazzling post upon an unsuspecting but nevertheless thrilled blogworld. I think you need to say sayonara to the bookstore and start cleaning houses! All the books tell you to do what you love, right?
You can start with MINE. My house would love to be attentively fondled by you & your sexy Dyson.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

wow, i have to take a shower after reading this dirty little post, love it!
Today I'm going to buy a camera. Not a point and shoot. Something good like a kick ass Canon or Nikon SLR. Then I'm going to switch the shooting style to CONTINUOUS then i'm going to shoot 120 continuous shots of myself and i'm going to pick one, the best one, and i'm going to send it to you...then i'll let you duke it out with yourself...backpacking man crush? papa crush? backpacking man crush? papa crush?
or BOTH of us?
ha

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 1:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Undomestic Diva said...

I don't know if we can be friends now.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 2:58:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

If you get turned on by cleaning, my house will give you multiple orgasms. When do you arrive?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 6:34:00 PM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

You know, I have heard that about Dysons, hence why I was debating on getting one :)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 7:39:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

shiiittt....you wanna clean, girl you just come on over.

and if you do, i will so make you dinner. i know! i wont even order take out...cause that's how much i will love you...long time.

i thought about getting a dyson but the very idea of dropping that kind of mad cash makes my eye twitch.

speaking of eye twitching-eerr why is savage fryin chicken naked? has he never heard of the splatter????

so yeah...cleaning the fridge reminds me of when i was little and my mom would have us take everything out wipe the jars off and put it all back. i hate cleaning the fridge but i do it every week on tuesday's for trash day. gah. speaking of...damnit i forgot!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 9:35:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

I am the EXACT same way.
Do NOT even get me started on Lysol.
Orgasm in a can.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 11:35:00 PM  
Blogger Good N Crazy said...

Well....hmmm....sexy cleaning eh? I'm afraid I'm not. Sexy or good at the cleaning thing. WAAAAAY to busy blogging of course, and well all the kid stuff, and my bag making, and...

Plus I'm watching the 3 funny looking birds out my kitchen deck preen themselves in the morning sunlight? Strange.

See...no time for cleaning.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Bekah said...

haha im there. funny thing is...i dont LIKE cleaning. I LIKE to look at the clean after its finished. the actual act of cleaning is exhausting, but the afterglow is so worth it...

wait..what am i talking about now?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 12:44:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I'm the same way about office supplies. All those SO CUTE coordinated staplers and files, all that potential organization... really gets me going! I'm not kidding. Keen gives me major shit about it but I just want to put on a pencil skirt and stilettos and get down all sexy with some three-ring binders in my office.

(This is a very trying time of year for me, what with all the back to school sales. Crap, now I need to go call my sponsor.)

I'm not so big on the cleaning, though. My office is a mess.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

You lost me at naked.

Thursday, September 11, 2008 7:43:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Michael - I like to think I can educate the masses every once in awhile. It makes me think the site isn't all just fluff!

kateanon - There's just something about the so called power of the Dyson that makes it hella sexy!

Brian - Naked maids, if one does a Google search, as I may have done for research purposes in the past, ahem, seem to be quite big in European countries.

Savage - You are risky AND you liked fried foods, thus, I dig you!

Manager Mom - Want me to send you a picture of my Dyson in a few suggestive poses?

Cocotte - Note to self: Comparison shop for French maid costumes...

Sam - Management would probably kick us out of Target, what with all the delightful ooohing and ahhing we'd be doing in the cleaning supply aisle at Target!

Heather - Had it been anyone other than Tool Man (or the Dyson), I'd have perhaps died a small death!

Waltz - I like the rewards a wee bit more than the effort, but I have to make the effort worthwhile!

Merecat - I think the previous owners of my house killed someone or something and buried the evidence under my entryway floor. No matter what I do to clean the carpet, something dark leaches back up through the carpet. I think it's someone or something seeking justice for their death!

Des - I have a lot of quirks. Some would call them "issues" or perhaps "obsessions." Happily, none of them involve the use of a vacuum the way I believe you're alluding to know about!

ali - Mmmm...you just said my second most favorite thing! Organizing... ::giddy shivers!::

Carolyn - The Dyson is a whore. A whore for dirt!

Lori - I'm renewing my torrid relationship with cleaning. We broke up for awhile, but now we're enjoying the make up dusting!

Madame - Oh! Kinky! Kinky and clean!

tombocheck - Imagine what it would be like if a home-cooked meal was also included in that equation!

Meg - I just bought some stovetop cleaner! I'm so ready!

Chuck - Based on the condition of my garage at present, watching a man cleaning a garage out is going to get me hot and bothered!

heinous - Oh! Good idea. I wonder if I should forward that post onto the dude who invented the Dyson!

Andrea - I've told my Tool Man the same thing, so I try to coo and be all appreciative when he mans the Dyson!

just a girl - Will no commense saying 'shivers fuck' all the damn time now... :)

Always Home - Double what you're paying them and pay me that and we can sign a contract!

ftn - Pretty much every other word out of my mouth is a double entendre. That means that in this comment, the words 'pretty,' 'every,' 'word,' 'of,' mouth,' 'a,' and 'entendre' means something quasi-sexual. Try putting them together like one of those magnetic poetry piece and let me know what you came up with!

dc urban dad - My fridge is very clean and stocked with assorted cool beverages.

Deb - It's long been my goal to make people spontaneously urinate when reading my writing, and success! Thanks for being the case study! Also, thanks for coming by and reading (and perhaps peeing a little...it's ok. It happens :) )

Thursday, September 11, 2008 8:52:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Mommypie - A Dyson is an investment in your happiness!

zip n tizzy - Polish some brass. Heh, heh, heh... :)

BP Dad - Aww, you're totally the cute awesome guy. Kissing seems forward. We should probably talk about that for a few minutes first before totally making out. ;)

Ms Picket - I always need a little recovery nap afterward!

TGFS - I would totally let you borrow mine if only we were together!

Bee - Some people get really turned on by the angry cleaning. Rawr!

Wendy - The Dyson may vibrate, but I don't think it has quite enough power behind it for me! Heh.

jenboglass - I have to just dive into the cleaning. I know it probably would appreciate a little foreplay, but I sometimes just need to feel the power of a bottle of Windex.

Mandy lou - Sadly, around here, laundry is a whole other matter!

Patty - Oh...I do not know this magical Miele of which you speak...

Chat - Sometimes you have to turn the lights down and really take a second look at the Dyson!

Meg - I'm getting new neighbors soon, so I'll have to be a bit more discreet in how I go about m chores. At least until I properly meet them!

Tuesday Girl - While you're getting a mop, would you mind picking up a new broom for me?

1blueshi1 - Ha! If I could get paid more for naked cleaning, I'd call the store manager right this second and tell him or her I'm not coming in tomorrow!

Papa - I'm probably well on my way toward a bit of a Papa crush; however, you can find my email address on the profile page should you get that camera. Heh. Ok, that was creepy. I'm anything but creepy. However, I do like art, so... :)

Undomestic diva - What can I do to make it up to you so we can be friends again?!

biscuit - In my dreams, I'm already there!

wethyb - Months after getting mine, I still choke when I think about what it cost.

kimmy - Mmmm...dinner. Are your men nasty in the bathroom? Because that might require tossing in a bit of dessert, too. Then we could go out and hit Starbucks and catch up and dish!

San Diego Momma - I wish I never would have started my torrid affair with Frebreeze, too.

Good n Crazy - If you were to look around my house tonight, you'd think that I was clearly blowing smoke at all of you with this post, but I like to think that the chaos I'm in now will make it seem super satisfying when I do get to clean. I have to probably stop blogging and such a bit first, though, to dive in!

bekah - I totally like to fondle the freshly dusted furniture and admire the clean mirrors after cleaning.

Weirdgirl - OMG, the office supplies! I could roll around naked in office supplies. This is why I never enter an Office Depot. There would be security video of me rubbing post-it notes and flicking Bic pens all over the internet!

Bogart - Ha! Your honesty is a delight!

Thursday, September 11, 2008 9:21:00 PM  
Blogger Fu Manchu Dad said...

While Dysons are really excellent vacuums and I do appreciate the sense of accomplishment one gets from completing a task and having it come out just as you'd like it to, I think you really laid the whole thing bare when you mentioned having your head in the fridge with the fumes of cleaning products...
that explains a lot.
FMD

Friday, September 12, 2008 3:00:00 AM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

I hate to admit that I'm as turned on by cleaning as you are. This was so well written! Get out of my head, lol!

Saturday, September 13, 2008 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

FMD - Heh...you saying I'm a tad bit affected, hmmm?!

signgurl - Ah, join me in the bliss that is a clean (at least for an hour around these parts) house! Thanks for coming over and reading, and for the twitter add. You'll see me soon!

Sunday, September 14, 2008 11:26:00 PM  

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