...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, November 12, 2007

doin' it doggy style

I know you've probably been wondering and have been too afraid to ask, so let me come right out and tell you. Yes, being a bookseller is as glamorous as you imagine it to be.

The constant stream of party invitations, photo shoots, and charity events on the calendar. Dodging the paparazzi as they jump out from between the shelves. Attending club openings with the latest celebrity debutante hours out of rehab. Pooh poohing the Nobel committee when they hint at giving me that prize once again (seriously, give that thing to Bono already and let's move on, shall we?).

Oh sure, being a glamorous and powerful celebrity bookseller sounds like fun, but it's a lot of hard work. You don't just wake up one day and become someone like me. Oh no. First you have to go into a bookstore and complete an application. Then you must ascertain whether you could feasibly pretend the manager who interviews you could be your work spouse, eventually get hired, and spend a lot of time behind a cash register. Then you graduate to Customer Service, where you'll think you've made it when you can still smile brightly even though every conversation you have in a six to eight-hour shift begins with the phrase, "I'm looking for a book..."

But you've not made it yet. Nope. You don't officially make it to celebrity status until you can caste aside your humility and don a giant animal costume, endure the snickering of your fellow booksellers (booksellers who only dream about being half as hot as you!), and compel toddlers and preschools to pee their pants in either fear or mad lust as you lumber toward them with your giant red paw stretched out as though you wish to crush their tiny toddler heads. Better yet if you can get them to soil themselves in some combination of the two emotions. While crying. Or screaming. Or humping your fake fur covered leg, because for some reason, that's going to end up happening.

Like it did to me last week when I was made to wear a Clifford the Big Red Dog costume.

A Clifford costume that had been worn many times over by other people. Other people who'd christened it with their sweat, thus leaving behind a funk cocktail so heady it can't even be described despite the fact I've been told many times over I should be a writer and thus should have the proper adjectives, but no, I don't, because I still have a headache from the weight of the giant dog head pressing on my cranium. And I thank God I do because it forces me not to dwell on the idea that, while I hope it's not true, you know it has to be because seriously, if you had the ways and means to do so, you know you'd fart in one of these big furry costumes, so you and I have to assume someone at some time has tested the acoustics of said costume by beeping their ass horn while in it. Sadly, I'm going on the assumption it's been everyone up to, but excluding, me.

Yes, it's only then that you feel like you've made it. That you've gotten that belly scratch from management that makes your back paws whip like a propeller. And I did it all for less than $10 an hour. Awww! You want my autograph? You guys are so sweet! Who should I make it out to? Seriously. I've been practicing the signature. Come on.

After wooing the young crowd with my animal magnetism, we packed the costume back up. Inside the shipping container, we found a little photo album in which previous "Cliffords" had documented their visits to other bookstores in the chain via Polaroid photos and notes. Many included lovely photos of them hugging their admiring young fans. Yawn. I suggested we include a vicious homage depicting Clifford, paws up, with a fake tire mark across his gut. Or a hand holding up Clifford's head only, two black X's over the dog's eyes. Or perhaps Clifford lounging in one of the comfy chairs set up around the store, one paw holding a tattered copy of Dog Fancy, the other holding...well, yeah. Where my dogs at, y'all! You can clearly see why management doesn't want to lose an employee like me!

So yes, being a bookseller can be rough, but, as we've seen here, it does have its VIP perks. If you keep your snout clean and have an overwhelming desire to help people who are looking for a book, you, too, could be one of the lucky ones, like me. A celebrity bookseller. Steeped in couture Clifford costumes. Rollin' in the slightly higher than minimum wage kibble. After hours howlin' with the Duke and Snoop (that's Marmaduke and Snoopy to those non-celebs). Yep. Good times.


Woof!

Labels:

21 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

I wish you had pictures. You could just send me one, when you feel up to it, no rush. LOL, what a sight!

You really should be a writer.

ndgtnesprsomchn

Monday, November 12, 2007 12:26:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Oh man, I've got tears running down my face, from laughing out loud. The image of toddlers humpin' Clifford's leg, while you're inside it thinking "What did I do to deserve this joy"..

I want the autograph, you know that!

Monday, November 12, 2007 6:21:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Wait a minute. . . You mean the big red Clifford at the B&N was really a person in a dog-suit?. . .

I am so disillusioned. . .

But hey. . . "beeping their ass horn" . . . You had me ROFLMAO with that one. Come to think of it, the whole "christened it with their sweat. . . funk cocktail" bit got me to thinking how glad I am that I've never done the 'previously-worn-costume' gig (see, as the oldest child in my family, I never even did hand-me-downs. . .)

But, I am truly honored to be able to say that, however 'indirectly', I've been privy to such greatness as yours. . .

Monday, November 12, 2007 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Hmm, methinks I'm gonna have to eventually break out the story of the time I dressed up as the Chick-Fil-A cow... That was an interesting day.

I'm pretty sure bookseller is one step up from librarian, right? I mean, at least you are selling books, rather than just loaning them to homeless people until they return them a month later covered in bits of weed.

Monday, November 12, 2007 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

My very first job was at a bookstore but I never achieved that sort of celebrity status. All they would ever let me do is shelve books. They obviously, however, kept it a secret just what other glamorous things there were to do.

Monday, November 12, 2007 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

and to think I'm just a-settin' here in this hyar cub-I-kul in mah four inch hyels, sending salacious emails back and forth with my co-workers and redoing my eyeliner ever darker as the day wears on...when I could be in the glamorous world of wearing farted-in dog costumes...you made me spit coffee all ovah mah screen, woman!

Monday, November 12, 2007 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

roflmao. You are, believe it or not, my second blogfriend to don the Clifford costume. She felt pretty much the same way about it as you did..roflmao. You described the funk pretty accurately too..I was a pokemon character once at the craft store where I worked...fun times..but then you know that already!
Stacie

Monday, November 12, 2007 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

See, one of these days I'm going to be at the book store and I'm going to find Memoirs of A Different Kind of Girl. And, of course, the story of the Clifford costume will catch my eye and I'll think, "Hey, I know this girl!" Well, sort of.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 5:07:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

My mother used to own a used bookstore in Fayetteville, NC. I clerked there, it was practically one of my first jobs. It didn't pay well and wasn't glamorous but I had access to all the books my thirsty imagination could consume.

But, thankfully, I never had to wear a costume of any sort... ;-)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 1:37:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - I'd send you a picture, sweets, but I'm leery of sending it (because there's only one and I'd mass distribute it!) out. You know why? Because people who see them are overcome. They weep and say things like "...so beautiful...just right." I don't wish to be responsible for that kind of black magic. Blech!

Sailor - It's charming to realize the power one can have while encased in a costume. To get kids who just seconds before were wailing in fear to be so attached to me? Thrilling!

I shall practice my flourish for the autograph!

Desmond - Awww! Sorry about that. Stay tuned for eventually I'm gonna bust the myth about the tooth fairy!

FTN - We have this really scary dude who comes to the store daily. He heads to the scifi section (before you ask, no, it is not my husband), picks out the book we had to reshelve from the day prior when he was in. He takes it to the comfy chairs, sprawls his meaty man frame out and breaks the book binding, and spends the day. And sometimes the night. He naps a lot. And snores. And yep. He stinks. So, minus the weed, we're somewhat on par with a library.

Now spill it about the moo suit, mister.

Therese - It's pretty darn glamorous. Like the time we all stood around debating who was going to go into the women's bathroom and take care of a not so little issue left behind. That's just off the charts glamorous. Good times.

1blueshi1 - I'm a fan of the spit take. Sadly, I snort laughed at work the other day, and so yeah, that's a move that helps me maintain my hot image. And, um, sadly, I did so when there was a discussion about poo.

Yeah, well, sometimes we're bored at work.

Stacie - Oooh! A Pokemon character! I could have wreaked havoc on the place as one of those! Next month, I think I get to be Curious George. I don't know how I've graduated to full on characters at work. Tenure has it's rewards, I suppose.

Phyllis - Ha! If you find that, I will totally autograph you're copy. You'll probably still find me at a bookstore at that point.

Michael - The bookstore gig totally has it's rewards in being able to read whatever I wish. Lately, it's just been a lot of kids books, but one day I hope they let me grow up again.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

When I left the previous comment, I had, um, forgotten about the time I got talked into donning a Santa suit for the kid's mass on Christmas Eve. . . And yeah, I do remember wondering about who had worn the suit before I got it, and what sort of bodily residuals were steeped into the red fuzz. . .

And the, uh, poo in the women's room reminded me of the time when I was in college, when I worked as the janitor for a burger joint. . . And that's about all I have to say about that. . .

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

ditto nanette.
wish you had pictures...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

omg i hope you washed your hands.
can you imagine some guy whackin' it in a clifford costume because he thought he could get away with it? you know he did. sick bastards. i bet the last guy even tried to lick himself...blech.

i bet you rocked the clifford boots though...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Everyone up to, but excluding you, eh? You showed remarkable restraint. Or simply didn't want to be trapped in there, which is entirely reasonable, which makes me wonder about those others. What were they thinking?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 7:55:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I think I vomited a little bit reading kimmyk's comment. Blech.

mnrdgs

Thursday, November 15, 2007 12:52:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

. . . And kimmy wins today's Most Disgusting Comment Award. . .

Thursday, November 15, 2007 8:44:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Desmond - Chicks are messy. Seriously, I'm disgraced by my gender sometimes. I'd probably be more so by someone creeping out a Santa Claus costume, though!

lainey-paney - Oh, there were pictures. The world just didn't need to see me in such a get-up, though!

kimmy - Oh, others may honor you with the Most Disgusting Comment Award, but I will join your debauchery in admitting I thought the same thing. This is where my mind goes sometimes. I can't help it. It was made to go there. Literally. Like, sometimes, someone would make it actually go there.

Nan - they are, indeed...

Desmond - I bet she'd wear that prize proudly if it came with like a paper crown or something!

Sunday, November 18, 2007 11:28:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Melissa - I should never try to do this response thing when I'm tired. I think you do, indeed, lose all sense of control when you have a giant dog head pressing on your brain. I perhaps would have been close to doing something debaucherous in there, but I have some class I like to maintain. It's a shocking secret about me. I hope it doesn't get out.

Sunday, November 18, 2007 11:31:00 PM  
Anonymous costa rica investment said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Thursday, July 15, 2010 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger niz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Friday, August 13, 2010 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger costa rica real estate said...

If you want to buy property for investment and capital growth potential, then you need to consider investing in Costa Rica real estate.

Costa Rican real estate prices have been rising for years, and as more foreign buyers look at investing in Costa Rican real estate, prices look set to soar. Already prices in some areas are booming - and many properties have doubled in value in just two years! Costa Rica real estate

Friday, November 19, 2010 9:49:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home