...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, November 09, 2007

'let's talk about all the good things & the bad things that may be'

So the other night, I'm sitting at McDonald's with my kids and my Dad and I'm doing what I typically do when I go to McDonald's, which is bitch about how nasty and cold the food is, and rant about how, if I wanted to eat food in a place that resembled the restroom in Trainspotting, I'd whip up a little something at home, take my plate upstairs to the bathroom the penis-bearing populace of my house frequent, and wedge myself between the tub and the toilet. I'm quite the lovely dining companion. A living, breathing Happy Meal, if you will.

As I'm picking at the congealed cheese on my burger, I hear the first in a series of hacking coughs directly behind me. Just as I'm thinking, "Nice one. Geez," I feel something wet hit the back of my neck. Normally, I'd consider this an impressive trick considering the length and depth of my hair, but as the remaining phlegm settle upon me and begins it's decent down my neck, I realize I'd been hacked on by a snot nosed kid who, short of taking my face lovingly in his hands and licking me, forehead to chin, has chosen to share his disease (and maybe some globs of his chicken nuggets) with me with the most intense bronchial prowess I've ever heard. In order to claim that title, he chose to hack on me again. And again. And once more. But wait! As I turned to give him the "WTF?" look (the same one I tried to give his oblivious mom seated two tables over - I knew it was her because she kept telling him to "Shhhh!!!" while she visited with her equally oblivious friend), he coughed directly in my face, assuring the first cold of the season would arrive soon.

So, long story short (Did you stick with me there? I know some people would be scared of my wordy words and be all, "You talk too much. Shut up, bitch!"), this kid's germs have, as predicted, grabbed the reigns of my sinuses and have been yanking on my brain since around 3 p.m. Thursday, and while I have lots of things to say and lots of emails to reply to (eyeez send emalez. prom iz, yeah?), you're stuck with some rambling thoughts for today.
  • This week I attended a women's ministry group meeting. It's a social/devotional time for us to get to know each other better. Blah, blah, blah. At the end of the meeting is a time for prayer requests. In my head, I start to sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" and I'm at the "...so now I'm praying for the end of time, to hurry up and arrive..." part because we're nearly 45 minutes past the scheduled end of the meeting. As I start humming "'cause if I gotta spend another minute with you, I don't think that I can really survive," I realize the lady seated next to me is asking us to pray for her sex life. *Bink* *Blink* Be gone, Meatloaf! I perk up because who can resist soft core? She wants us to pray for her to feel more sexual and responsive to her husband. "Amen, sister!" shouted another woman, who then asked us to pray that she can please her husband sexually. She would've gone into more detail, but she was interrupted by another who asked if we'd pray for her to be able to orgasm. Normally I go to church on Sunday and have a tendency to tune out (God and I haven't been talking about sex, see, because we've not been talking about much lately), but now I feel the need to start paying better attention because I don't want to drift off and find myself staring at the back of Bob and Sally's heads and wondering what they did Saturday night, wink wink.
  • For the past week, we've been a Nielsen family house. This means that every time we've had the television on, we've had to chart our viewing habits. As you can imagine, we've been drunk with power, believing we've a hand in what you'll get to watch. In truth, it really just shows we're suckers and will do anything for $5, which we received as a thank you for our efforts. Rest assured, America. Based upon what's been tracked here, Spongebob Square Pants and Mythbusters (blech!) will never go off the air. And let me apologize now for the pat on the back I've given VH1 for the Salt and Pepa Show. "Cause if I, too, wanna take a guy home wit me tonight, it's none of yo bizzness" Not like I'd do that, though. Evil.
  • Speaking of evil, I'm convinced my computer is possessed by it, and knowing what I know, I don't think that's just me saying that to sound all cute and/or paranoid. I would pay $5 and promise never to let such evil into it again to have this thing exorcised.
  • So yesterday I'm all, "Motherhood is kinda sucky right now. Who was it that wanted these kids anyway? Blah," when it hit me that my period is hella late. So I'm giving it a few more days, because it's not a clockwork thing, but pretty close. Admittedly, although my fingers aren't necessarily crossed, when I realized this my thoughts went to "Kids are perfect! I love kids!"
  • Crap like this "fat suit investigation" pisses me off. I could go on an on about how pathetic I find these so-called investigative "news" pieces, starting with how the women (it's typically always a woman) are transformed into an obese person and then made to appear so homely and ugly, because, naturally, that's' what fat women must look like, right? Give me a break. I've been a fat woman. Having been one, I cringe when I hear the people who participate in these experiences cry and say how they can't stand to look at themselves, how they thank God they don't really look like that. Go to the supermarket and look at desserts. Ooooh! Look at the people look at you angrily for touching the cupcakes! What's that? You feel ignored today because you're fat and no one is acknowledging you, unlike yesterday, when you were skinny, it was all eyes on you? Gag. Guess what. A couple hours later, you get to go back into the make up chair and have all the padding removed and return to "normal." Magic. An added bonus is you don't have to carry around the "fat girl thoughts" in your head after you're back to your fighting weight. There's no new "news" to these kinds of stories, and I just find it insulting.
  • I'm further insulted that I stumbled across that piece on Entertainment Tonight as I was browsing the television channels and now, since I watched it, I have to record it in my Nielsen family viewing journal. Sigh.

OK, the night time cold medicine is starting to kick in, so my rambling should stop. It was kind of you to humor the sick girl by reading the ramblings. You're sweet. Feel free to ramble in the comments. Any topic's fine. I totally won't hack on you.

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18 Comments:

Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

After completely laughing my ass off, I must profess my complete and undying love for you (and also my UNCHARTABLE on a human emotional scale RELIEF when Auntie Red arrived a few days ago...TWO WEEKS LATE...and they wonder why I've been The Total PsychoBitch at work lately...hehe)and also hand over my email address in the hopes that you will use it--I'm blueshi@hotmail.com and I live too far away to stalk you in person!

Friday, November 09, 2007 7:32:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

I think its interesting how, for lack of a better word, "sexual" the bible can be at times. I am by no means a bible scholar, but certain passages can be somewhat sexual. The mixing of Christianity and sexuality. Anyway, fun times listening to the women wanting to please their men!

I love going to the supermarket. I've never been "fat" although I have definitely put on some weight the last couple of years. But I like to go and find out which cookies I love that are on sale...

mmmm... cookies...

Friday, November 09, 2007 8:12:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

We were a Nielsen family twice. By the end of the week, we looked at our list and thought, "We need to go back and put in some more highbrow shows. Like news or something."

Loved the equating McDonald's to the Trainspotting bathroom. Spot on!

Friday, November 09, 2007 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Fadkog, u r mah most favoritest lolcat!

I'm a little bit grossed out about you being hacked on at Mickey D's, by the way. That's pretty nasty. Next time, hazmat suit. I'm just sayin.

And add to that the image of the bathroom from Trainspotting, and I think I'm gonna have to hold off on lunch.

Who am I kidding. You couldn't keep me from lunch if you tried. I'm starving.

I told the women in your group at church that you were bored with the whole "church" idea, and I suggested that the only way to get you interested again was more talk of orgasms. And BOOBS! Mission accomplished.

I hope u can has feel betta soon, K?

Friday, November 09, 2007 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

*Gag!* on the phlegm-tosser from the next booth. Me, I'd have been sorely tempted to scrape it off myself with a plastic spoon, and dump it on Mom's fries. . .

Of course you know, I've been fat for most of my life (heck, even having lost 90 lb, my BMI still classifies me as 'obese'; (sigh) ). But, I think guys do 'fat' differently than women do. I might have been getting all those 'negative waves' (Ah, 'Kelly's Heroes'; one of the great guy-flicks ever!) from the general public, but I was pretty much oblivious to 'em, 'cuz when I looked in the mirror, it still looked pretty good to me!

And hey - good for the ladies of your church! God bless 'em (and their husbands!)

And, let's see, you've got a 10-yr-old and a 5-yr-old, right? Sounds like you're about due. . .

PS - my 'word verification' is 'lyuby'; I think that's the Russian word for 'love', isn't it? . . .

Friday, November 09, 2007 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

I'm so impressed that you managed to write coherently and, might I add, hilariously with all that sinus pressure. I can barely form a sentence, and I'm not sick.

Friday, November 09, 2007 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Asking God for an orgasm . . . hmmmm . . . Maybe it's just me, but something doesn't sound right about that. Of course, He does things in His own time, so she might be walking down the cereal aisle of the supermarket and ZAP!! She'd go down to her knees right there between the Fruit Loops and Pop-Tarts.

Friday, November 09, 2007 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

That kids mother should be shot.
Or a loogie hacked in her face by her own kid...whatever..

If america had to rely on our viewing habits to determin the future of television, we'd all be doomed to sports and the western channel in addition to TVLAND.

praying for good sex??? So that's what goes on at those bible studies...huh! Whoda thunk it?

Stacie

Friday, November 09, 2007 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Hey! I love the Mythbusters! What's with the "blech"?!

Friday, November 09, 2007 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Nice mental image there, Phyllis; thanks for that. . . (sorta 'When Harry Met Sally', eh?)

Friday, November 09, 2007 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

I have to say, I, too have been sucked in by the Salt N Pepa show. I haven't admitted, until now. I feel better.
Hope you do too, soon!

Friday, November 09, 2007 1:02:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Yes Phyllis, you made me laugh as well.

Friday, November 09, 2007 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me. Oh yeah oh yeah, I did enjoy me a little salt n' peppa.

Only $5, I would pay more than that to have my machine exorcised--and sadly, that is exactly what I'm going to have to do. Grrrrr.

Pardon my french, but fuck ET. (Not the stephen spielberg creature)

wrdsshtupbtchgah

Friday, November 09, 2007 3:45:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Must be the month of the strange perio. My gal's was longer than normal and my coworker's was a week earlier than scheduled....

Yeah I listen to this kinda stuff... imagine that.. I'm a sensative guy too....

Saturday, November 10, 2007 8:01:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

OMG first of all, I can't even believe that kid hacked on you. I am so sick to my stomach with all that visual I can't stand it.

Next, wtf kind of church you goin' to? Becareful next thing you know they'll be passing around a mirror and y'all will be lookin down the barrel of your vaginas like in Fried Green Tomatoes. *cringe*

You're late? As in...? Late? Did you start yet? Holy hell. I would love to have another kid, yet no. I'm diggin' my sleep these days.

I've been fat. I don't ever wanna be fat again. But a cupcake does sound good right about now.

Oooo baby baby...
Now I got Push It stuck in my head.

Saturday, November 10, 2007 8:25:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

The kid hacking on you is about the grossest thing I've encountered this week and I have two in diapers yet. Just sayin'

I spend my share of time in Hell on Earth (Mickey D playland) and it's amazing how nasty they are. And don't get me started on the BK ones!

Hope you feel better soon

Saturday, November 10, 2007 7:37:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

1blueshi1 - I'm still rocking the psycho bitch thing and yet still waiting. So we'll see. I've also plugged your email into my contacts. Thanks for that. I should warn you, though, I'm behind on the emails. Ask that FTN dude. He'll tell you. But you can stalk me from a distance. I'm cool with that!

RS - I got baited to church with that whole soap opera aspect to Genesis and Revelations. And cookies. Damn. Cookies make anything sexier.

Chag - Ha! Um, I think my husband did go back in and plug in some news and less brain damaging drivel into our journal. We've done this a couple times now. You think we wouldn't be so cheap as to whore our TV watching out for five bucks.

FTN - If you can promise that the next women's ministry meeting is one of those True Romance parties, I shall come with my credit cards blazing and my Jesus praisin' in full swing.

Desmond - My husband suggested I get on their prayer list. Hmm. Interesting.

And seriously, one way or the other, I'm due for something.

Rug's - Good to see you here! I've been a slacker lately. I have to make my way back to you! I should try to get really sick. Then perhaps I'd write shorter sentences!

Phyllis - Um, I've been known to go down to my knees in the grocery store between the Froot Loops and the Pop Tarts. Mostly when I see they've got those low fat chocolate Pop Tarts in stock. Totally drop to my knees in praise of whoever decided there should be low fat Pop Tarts.

Stacie - We're what you'd call a hardcore nondemoninational church, my friend.

And if it weren't for me, the world would only have one channel, and that would be SciFi, as mandated by my husband.

Kelly - Well, it's purely not my cup of tea. Of course, this comes from a girl who admits Tivo'ing The Salt and Pepa Show, so, you know, I could stand to watch better things!

Laura - Thanks for joining me in the dregs of television!

Nan - Considering the amount of time I wasted on evil, clearly, money really is no object. Hell, I wish I had a dollar for all the time I wasted on evil. I'd be so filthy rich I could just go buy a new computer.

Damn evil. Stupid.

Savage - Sensitive AND willing to unabashedly profess his lust for me. Except wait a minute! What's missing here again!?

KK - A cupcake always sounds good. Even those little 100 calorie pack Hostess cupcakes. Except they're tiny two-biters. Hardly worth it. If I'm doing it, give me a whole cupcake, dammit!

And I'm late. As in seriously, this is getting a little curious now late. And as in hmm, well, if I am, I could tell you exactly when and sadly, what got me late wasn't that satisfying and yeah...late.

But if I have to be fat again, that would be the only reason why I'd want to be.

Bunny - Thankfully, and there is not enough praise in the world to convey my level of thanks, but thankfully our local hell hole doesn't have one of those playlands. I feel a disease swoop over me as soon as we enter a door to those places. Disgusting.

Sunday, November 11, 2007 10:41:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I don't mind a discreet cough into a hand, even a no-holds-barred gag fest when the person is across the room, but that kid would have given me the willies for sure. And a raging cold. Sorry to hear you're under the weather.

Is Aunt Flo still biding her time?

(And no, I've never called it that before, but for some reason today I'm speaking in nothing but euphemisms.)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 8:01:00 PM  

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