whattaya know. it really does taste like chicken!

My blog is often a landing pad for people Google searching for romantic tips and compelling ideas that will reward them with sex. Not sex with me, of course. What do you take me for?

(You. In the back. Yeah. Shut up. Why are you still here, anyway?)

But, because I'm sexy (yep), it's pretty understandable why they end up here. This weekend, someone searching for "fowl words for my sexy lady when having sex" happened upon my happy home. To help this individual out, I asked my inner 13-year-old boy, Seth, to join me and together we came up with some ideas. For our poultry loving suitor in Australia, and for you, charming reader, we dish up the following and, of course, wish you happy pecking:

"I'm USDA approved, little Chicky."

"You like dark meat, birdy?"

"Oh, I bet you're a 3-piece hen, aren't you?"

"We're doin' it extra crispy tonight, baby. Oh yeaaah."

"You strip for me, I'll show you my nuggets."

"Bahk bahk. Thank you, Easter Bunny!"

"I"m gonna pluck you. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna pluck you nice and slow."

"Wanna cluck?"

"Duck!"

"Now you're doin' the funky chicken. No. I mean you're really doin' the funky chicken!"

"You don't want no turkey. Turkey's only good once a year. Chicken can do it all year long."

"Are your breasts injected with water and hormones, or are they all natural? Can I see?"

"What's the matter? You chicken or somethin'? Oh. Heh. Right...."

"Shake and Bake!"

"What say you come over here and yank on my wishbone, baby."

"I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. I feel like chicken tonight..."

"I'm gonna make you chicken dance like you've never chicken danced before."

"Wanna see my cock. It's beautiful, isn't it? The other hens tell me so."

"Wha? All those other hens? Oh, no, baby. You're the only chicken for me in this grossly overrun, corporate-owned slaughter house they call a poultry farm."

"Hey Chicken Little, I think the sky's falling. Let's do it for our barnyard..."

"Hey hen, watch it with the beak why don'tcha."

"There's a pecking order around here, Loosey Goosey. Unless you're into threesomes..."

"Your coop or mine?"

"Do you take it sunnyside up? 'Cause if you did, that would sure boil my eggs. I guarantee I'd make a big scramble."

"Chicken in the bread pan pickin' out ohhhh!"

"Four legs good. Two legs bad. Wait a minute...."

"We have an animal magnetism."

"You ever been with a duck? You should try it. Food for thought."

Eh, screw PETA! Just screw me!"

Despite what it would seem, I'm not a fan of the chicken. I think roosters harbour the evil. I blame it on being pecked down by a bad ass rooster as a child while visiting my aunt and uncle's farm. However, I'm a fan of the foul talk/sex combo meal, therefore, I'm not one to stand in the way of love, no matter how you get it. If it makes you crow in the end, it's all good. Cock-a-doodle-do, baby.