...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

...and ignite your bones

On Thursday night, I'm meeting two friends for coffee. In a normal frame of mind, this planned evening out would be a nice diversion. I'd be looking forward to a few hours spent catching up and laughing.

Instead, I'm dreading it. And I'm not meeting them. They are coming to my home, pulling me from it, and taking me somewhere where I can then sit before them and they can wait for me. To talk. To tell them what's been keeping me from them and anyone else who so graciously gives me the gift of their friendship for the last few months. "Something is wrong with you," one of them said to me when, unable to avoid her telephone calls any longer, I was made to return her most recent. "Something is wrong. You don't have to get into it now, on the telephone, but we see that something is bothering you and we want to help you if we can."

That part where she said they could see it made me laugh. A very quiet, dejected chuckle hidden under the even quieter tears she didn't know were already falling as we spoke. As I inserted the appropriately placed "OKs" and "uh huhs" into our brief conversation, I wondered how they could see that something must be wrong with me when I thought I'd been making a pretty good effort of not showing them. Isn't that what a couple of months of avoiding people is good for? I thought I'd become a master of such a trick lately.

But this dear friend is right. There's something wrong with me at the moment. It's not physical nor fatal nor hateful. But it's something that crushes my spirit and makes me panicky. Were I truly wanting to speak about it and have you bear witness to the emotional wreck it makes me, I'd just spill it to you all. But as honest as I've always been here (always), I trust you'll just take what I'm not saying and be fine with it. What I love about this type of venue is how wonderfully nonjudgmental and supportive a circle of anonymous people can be. Amazing and just as humbling as my real life friends would treat me. It's just harder for me to accept their kindness because now they're not going to allow me to not say why I've been the way I've been now for awhile. I can see them and touch them and sometimes their love for me shocks me because I don't feel I deserve it as often as they so wish to give it to me.

(Oh, I read and reread that above paragraph and God, I'm not fishing for help or compliments or kindness or whatever. I'm just saying that during this past year, I've been amazed at how so many of you have stepped into my life and become friends willing to commit that gift to me and how saying thank you for such a thing seems not enough.)

Were I willing to talk about it (and I have, before, with people in my life, but it just drains me and some days I want to be full), I would. I'd probably scream about it and be angry. Now I just try not to. I suppose it's because I want to enjoy that brief reprieve and that sense of calm I notice I've experienced when I realize I've not thought about these matters for a time. This is part of why I dread Thursday night. I won't be allowed to not think about it, to not talk about it. I love my friends immensely. Many of my friendships forged in adulthood happened so spontaneously and at a time when it almost seemed like God or someone just knew I was going to need these people in my life that I'm quite grateful for them. But I'm not used to being the one upon whom this type of intervention, for lack of a more appropriate word, is staged. I'm the girl who'll hold your eye long enough to tell you I'm fine, yeah, and then glance around the place for a way to change the topic so it rests on you. Or search for some sarcastic twist of a phrase that I can apply to myself when I don't feel comfortable with the questions I'm being asked. I do not wish to cry like I'm afraid I will in front of these women. I want to appear as if I've got this thing I've been dealing with for a long time now under control already. Wish I didn't feel like that. Wish I could thank them for caring and then open up without the shame or sadness or whatever that weighs on me.

I just dread the idea of Thursday night. And even though I know I'm saying nothing here, I just needed to say that so that maybe I could look at this later and convince myself there's nothing to dread when remembering that people who love me wouldn't make me do this if they didn't truly wish to help. And that it's OK to take it.

26 Comments:

Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Friends like that are gold, DKG. When all hell was raining down on our heads a few years back, the worst part of it was how many of our friends just kinda withdrew from us. Some of 'em just didn't know what to say to us, and so they said nothing. Some of 'em, I'm sure, on some level, figured this was payback for some hidden character flaw in us, and maybe it wasn't such a good idea for them to hang all that closely with us. But there were a few who hung with us right thru the worst of it, called us up 'just to talk', or guys who'd just grab me for a beer and comradeship. And those friendships, some of which we hadn't really thought of that way, were just gold for us.

I don't really want to hazard any guesses (at least not where anyone can see 'em), but you can know that this pseudonymous blogger (see, I'm not 'anonymous' - in the words of Jim Croce, I Got a Name; it just ain't the one I sign my checks with ;) ) is standing alongside you as best he can manage, for us not knowing anything about each other except our sex and what state we live in (well, and the whole KAR thing. . .) Hang in there, my friend.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Talking with friends is good. Being open and honest is good. Do that stuff. Do it. Right now. Go. I'll wait.

In our isolated, suburbanized Pleasantville existences, we sometimes forget what true community should be -- sharing these things with each other and leaning on each other in our times of need. I truly hope you have some of that in your 'real life.'

And, of course, with us people from your 'unreal life,' know that we'll happily do anything to un-crush your spirit and makes you less panicky!

In fact, I'm singing a cheesy Garth Brooks song for you, right now.

I've got friends in blog places...

Watch out, I might be doing the electric slide before the day is over.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Friends are fantastic and wonderful and it's great that they care, but that doesn't mean they have a right to the intimate details of your life. If you aren't comfortable sharing everything, then simply don't. Tell them what you choose to tell them. I don't mean lie but let them know if you need to keep some things to yourself, if they are truly friends they should understand.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 1:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Terry said...

This post hits very close to me. I'm very much as you describe yourself in this respect. I mean I don't feel I have the kick-ass rack and all, but I have a lovely disposition and endearing smile. :) See? Anyway, I too can bluff my way thru the Q&A period. What? me? Im just great! When inside I might feel like I'm falling to pieces. But I can't show people. I must remain in-tact to all others. The difference is that when we have those special few people, who can see us for what (and who) we are, we ARE BLESSED. They can see it - whatever IT is. Friends/family who know us better than we know ourselves are scary, and oh so valuable in our lives. I hope you can lean on them. They obviously care. If you can't? Please come a callin. I'm always around.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Well, my friend, you know our very intimate story. Sharing it wasn't easy, but we did it. Somehow, it was easier to share it and speak online.

Anyway, with that said, you know you can share if you would like. Our advice might suck, but at least you can get it off your chest.

I don't really have many friends other than bloggers and my wife. And I'm good with that.

Anyway, thanks for sharing that you are struggling. That is good, right? A first step in sharing. And if you need anything else, you know we are ALL here for you (not FTN, though, not with his country music...)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 3:43:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Oh great, there you go - making me get all weepy! I've been in a bit of a funk and desperately missing my friends that are across the country.

Thursday will be tough, but use your friends, let them help you - just as we all would.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 3:47:00 PM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

I feel your pain sistah! I don't know for sure what your pain is, but it doesn't really matter. I've been through some pretty heavy stuff in the past few years that a precious few know about. The rest of ya see the "Life is jolly" face. And I can understand why you wouldn't want to broadcast it here. I went through a "To Blog or Not To Blog" issue myself last week. Hang in. You know my email if you wanna chat. Or not. Or share a frozen coffee recipe. I could keep that a secret too, if you prefer.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 6:26:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Here, I thought of something else to cheer you up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2L4iPvdIk

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 7:08:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Somedays I swear, we are so much alike it's scary. I'm here if you ever need to talk. I'm here if you ever need to NOT talk too.
Hugs!

Stacie

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:09:00 PM  
Blogger Chag said...

If there's anything I can do to help or if you'd just like someone else to talk to, drop me a line. Hope things turn around soon.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:30:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Sometimes, I wish I knew that kind of friendship- you're very blessed. Share what you want to with them, share what you need to but don't really want to; Friends that will stand by you are a blessing that you can cherish and love.

And, here's another pseudononymous blogger, offering you silence or support, or just knowing that someone cares.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I lust you regardless....

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

The touching and feeling aspect of the real world is the part that means the most. You'll be fine my sweet. Mwah!

Thursday, October 11, 2007 3:40:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

'Cause I've got friends in blog places
Where the comments drown
And the word verification chases
My blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on capital letters
Think I'll slip on down to the copy editor's
Oh, I've got frieeeeends... In blog places...

Thursday, October 11, 2007 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

I hope that it goes well this evening with your friends. If it is of any consolation, they are probably dreading it as much as you are. I was in their shoes once with a friend long ago and it was one of the harder things I've had to do. And there is no way I would've gone through it if I didn't love my friend very much. You are very blessed to have people who care about you like that, although I know that in moments like this is doesn't feel like it always.

Our prayers are with you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Thinking of you this evening. Hugs..
Stacie

Thursday, October 11, 2007 6:42:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

DKG-
A wise friend once said to me...
"Is it ok with you if I just leaned over and helped prop you up if you needed it on the condition you were also propping me up?"

Those words meant a great deal coming from someone I've only known such a short time, but feels like we've been friends for years.

Anytime girlie. Anytime.

Thursday, October 11, 2007 10:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Terry said...

Hope your evening with the girls went better than you were anticipating. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!
Hugs, T

Friday, October 12, 2007 12:06:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Echoing terry.. I was thinking of you tonight, and hoping it was better than you thought it would be.

Friday, October 12, 2007 1:29:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Well dear lady, how did the conversation go?

Friday, October 12, 2007 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Everyone - So, so, so many thanks to all of you. When time and everything that compounds upon it allows, I will write more. All I'm able to do at this very moment is just say thank you for the generous outpouring you've all given me. Seriously humbling, so appreciated.

The night was rough, yet survivable. Tears start as soon as my name was said, just because they had to. Had to. And tears are great. Exhausting, releasing. VERY exhausting. I'm tired.

Please know that I'm so touched by not only my "real life" friends, but also by all of you. And know that while this thing I'm dealing with is not simply over, at least now I know I have this hedge of protection surrounding me and holding me up.

I will write more when I can, but now, I have stories to read to children, copies of "Walter, the Farting Dog" to shelve (can I even begin to tell you how much I LOVE this book?!), and "Backyardigan" dolls to put on display. Busy girl. Takes my mind off things.

But you all kick ass, and I love that. Thank you...

Friday, October 12, 2007 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger sue said...

I hope last night went okay. It must be a blessing to have friends like that.

I don't know your situation, but your feelings hit very close to home. Know there are a lot of people out here in the universe who care.

Friday, October 12, 2007 2:53:00 PM  
Blogger Uhave said...

Sorry I'm so late to this party...I wish I had something witty or wise to say, but I don't. In fact, I don't know what to say except it seems we're all here for you.
(((Hugs)))

Friday, October 12, 2007 5:56:00 PM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

Hi hun, thought I would stop by before heading off to bed. Oh sweetheart take your time in coming out in the open. This is your time to heal and remember that prayers, faith, and peace surround you no matter what we are going through.
S.R.

Sunday, October 14, 2007 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

"I'm the girl who'll hold your eye long enough to tell you I'm fine, yeah, and then glance around the place for a way to change the topic so it rests on you."

There are two of us?

I have found that clicking a pen, avoiding eye contact, and making massive subject changes seems to help. Well, in the short term. You're right in that your true real-life friends just won't let you get away with that for long.

Sounds like you have a very good set of friends there.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 10:27:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Dang it, I missed FTN's electric slide? That'll teach me to slack off my blog-reading.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 10:28:00 PM  

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