you know it's hard out here for a vamp

I don't think I can imagine a more thankless job than that of a vampire. OK, sure, perhaps eighteenth century grave digger. I mean, how much more thankless can you get then digging graves? Ain't nobody around to give you your do when you've done a good job, my friend. But if being a vampire isn't the most thankless job, I figure it falls within the top five jobs that (pardon me as I take the obvious pun) sucks.

Sure, for the sake of not upsetting the folks with fangs, let's get the pros of the job out of the way first:

You're an instant celebrity. Lots of movies have been made about you. When you go out at night looking to score the blood, you know the ladies are gonna dig you because you're like a real life movie star. Skip the dudes. They'll just try to kill you. Strike the ladies first and it's like an eternal buffet. More so if you look like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys (if you do, I routinely wear V-neck shirts, just so you know).

You can play up the "royalty" aspect of your personality. You're the mf'n Prince of Darkness son! That line is sure to sway some unsuspecting soul! You won't even be surprised when it does because you know it's just that damn good!

Chicks dig you. It's a simple fact. Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire? Hot! Gary Oldman in Dracula? Sexy! At least before the transformation, anyway. Use this mystique to your advantage as you troll the night away in search of new prey. The chicks are out there. You know it. They're gonna be spilling more than their blood for you in record time if you slide up, all dark and mysterious, and show a bit of interest by complimenting their features and asking all about them. And when you're done sucking the very life out of them, you can literally drop them like the empty vessels they've become. So cool!

Mind control. Sometimes it's not going to be your looks that scores the vics, if you catch my drift. Your ability to take whatever nugget of information your prey gives you and then twist it into a powerful seduction tool is a highly underrated pro in the "Why I would want to be a vampire" column. Use it. You'd be surprised how well it works (I mean, I assume. I already have a thankless job, thank you very much, so I'm not applying for this one. However, I believe I've seen this skill put to work a time or 12).

Sure. It all looks good on paper, doesn't it? But let's now consider the drawbacks:

You can't go to any parties and just enjoy yourself. Get invited to an event and just want to mingle with the ladies and maybe make a connection? No can do, my friend. Why? Most good parties are held at night. As a vampire, you've gotta be out there from dusk 'til dawn, grubbing on that sweet nectar that sustains you. Clearly, the hours for this kind of gig bite.

You can't just go out and soak up the sun. Your days are free. Big whoop. You can't get cocky and say "Oh, I think I'll go for a swim today." Uh-uh. Spontaneous combustion is not a pretty way to go.

You have to actually be a recluse. Oh, sure. You may have a few fellow vampires who hang around with you. If you're lucky, you all get along. If not, you're screwed. You can't just tell them to shove off. We've all seen monster movies. The undead are some of the more irritable people in the world. They're not going to go without some bitter discussion about why you're trying to push them out. If you can't deal with human psychology, do not apply for the gig.

Your living accommodations aren't that great. You sleep in a coffin. Sure, you can trick that coffin out. Sparkle it up with some glitter, a fancy faux paint technique, perhaps tack up a few rock band or movie star posters, or string a few Christmas lights around it, but it doesn't dismiss the fact you're still chilling in a coffin.

You may not be blessed with the striking hot vampire looks. Take a gander at that dude to the left. Methinks most vampires err on the side of this guy and not so much that of Brad Pitt or Kiefer Sutherland. I could be wrong. I do live in the safe suburbs, after all. However, that vampire up there can't decide if he's menacing or not. "Should I smirk? Would maybe crossing my eyes a little bit make me look more scary? Good thing that kid gave me a scar across my forehead. Scars look tough! But dang, my ears are hella big! Wish I had some hair to cover them up. Why do all the good vampires like Kiefer and Brad get the long, flowing hair? Geez!!" And, OK, I didn't want to say anything, but check out the dude's nose. Clearly, this is a vampire with phallic issues. I'm going to stretch my imagination even further than I have in this post already and say if your vampire nose isn't standing at attention, if you have a raging case of the vampire ED, then all your talk about sucking blood and taking victims is just that. A bunch of talk. Hope you've got other plans for the chicks who hang around you simply because they're blood sucker groupies.

Clearly the negatives outweigh the positives, in blood and in the vampire payroll. There's no promotions ladder. No pay scale to climb. Unless you dig being oh so pale and look good sporting the all black (well, hmmm...I do, I guess, and I'm already up half the night sometimes already...), stick to what you're doing now. Because seriously, you could get stuck like that guy up there. Take a look at that nose one more time and just rethink where you're going.

Yeah. What you're doing now doesn't suck so much, does it? Besides. No one really looks that great in a cape, either.