...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, September 10, 2007

can you hear the dolphin's cry?

I can't say I'm a fan of roller coasters, but I imagine the best thing about them is that moment atop the first peak when you seem to hang for a few seconds and anticipate the massive adrenaline rush you'll be flooded when your body is finally plunged into a screaming descent that has you begging to ride again as soon as it's over.

While that may be the best thing about roller coasters, the worst thing would probably be getting to that top peak, knowing you're so close to falling over the edge, and then stalling. Nothing. Cut short. The ride has come to an abrupt and unsatisfying conclusion.

Personally, I think coming to rest atop a slopping hill in a tiny little roller coaster car would be scary as hell. However, for the sake of where this post's going, let's just call it a disappointment, shall we? A huge, crushing disappointment.

And then let's substitute "riding a roller coaster" with "entertaining myself with my dolphin and bullet vibes." And then let's pretend that the bullets completely stalled on me mere seconds from reaching that first summit and plunging down into a screaming, hands in the air, "Oh my freakin' God! Let's do that again! I don't care that I just ate a hot dog and cotton candy!" orgasm.


Only it's not pretend. My trusty dolphin and bullets truly did die on me in such a fashion. The tiny little battery operated motor simply sputtered a whimpering cry of mercy, as if to say "We love you, but we have to go now," and then stopped. Shut out. Lights out. Pencils down. Not quite shafted, but pretty damn close, missy. Were it a cinematic death scene, I'd rank it above Julia Robert's death in Steel Magnolias, which never fails to have me blubbering like an idiot 30 minutes before it even happens just because I know it's coming and I'm all "I told you so!" to Julia about her decision to have a baby.

Sadly, however, I didn't know my dolphin was near death, so I wasn't able to brace myself for its demise. It hadn't beached itself on my sandy shores. It got regular exercise. Fresh batteries. Tender loving care. And yet, it's time had apparently come.

Well before my chance to do so had been achieved.

Perhaps you recall my massive crush on my trusty aquatic friend and its shiny orbs of goodness. If you do, then you may understand why its untimely death has been quite devastating for me. Upon its final whir, I dangled its lifeless wires in the air above me, looked quizzically at them and wailed "Why have you forsaken me?" (only it sounded more like "What the fuck?"). Then I jiggled the orbs, gave them a little thump with my fingers, pushed the control button on the remote from 'fast' to 'slow' a few times, and then asked for 10 ccs of epi, stat! My husband, bless his soul, suggested surgery and went in search of soldering tools. While his efforts were driven more by the idea of what we spent on this toy and not so much on my massive love of it (and perhaps some Freudian connection between man and tools), I was leery. I know how he completes projects, and I had a fear of being electrocuted if something went wrong. Or at least suffer a hellish shock. No orgasm, no matter how kick ass, is worth that to me. I'm many things, but I'm not into the creepy sex, thank you.

But for a moment, sweet life was breathed back into them! Praise the Lord and double A batteries! "Now get back to doing what you were made for, my trusty friend!" I cried (or something like that). Unfortunately, it was a short reprieve from it's ultimate fate. My dolphin and bullets are dead, memorialized with an epitaph that reads "We have proven ourselves worthy of the huge coin you spent in that overpriced neighborhood lingerie store. Go now! Go back to your primitive ways of orgasm. Forget us, if you can, but love us forever. Or, for better values, begin hunting online for a replacement immediately for we know you are a greedy, demanding wench!"

So I did. Hunted every online site that popped into my head and, because this is one thing I'm anal about, compared prices and read every review I could find before plucking my credit card out for the greater good of my orgasmic health. That package I'm waiting for from Amazon? It contains a new diving dolphin toy and another little treasure. It should come delivered to my doorstep by Friday.

Then, shortly after, I should be, too. Roller coaster style, baby! Totally screaming down the hill, hands in the air.

Labels:

15 Comments:

Blogger FTN said...

Can someone please tell me what the heck I'm supposed to say in a comment on a post like this?

Suffice it to say I'll have trouble thinking about anything else the next time I'm riding a roller coaster.

So, uh, thanks for that.

Monday, September 10, 2007 9:06:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, ummmm. . . what FTN said. . .

I, uh, sorta guessed what it was, only because I knew you wouldn't be buying books from Amazon, so what else would it be, eh? (They don't sell Diet Dew online)

Anyway, happy coming. . .

Yeef. . .

Monday, September 10, 2007 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Unfortunately, I understand completely. What's worse, though, is my problem can't be fixed with fresh batteries. A pill maybe?

Monday, September 10, 2007 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger cat said...

Um... they sell naughty things at Amazon??? Seriously? I am shocked!

And I also don't know what to comment about now.. um... gee, look at those pretty clouds in the sky?

*she of the prudish nature* (I can't even watch soap commercials, they make me squirm. All that nekkedness! The horror!) ;)

Monday, September 10, 2007 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

You shoulda asked me. I would have told ya to shop at [write this down] adamandeve.com

Now I had me a dolphin for a pet once and I wasn't too excited about it, but then Jamie got me a bullet for a gift once and ever since...me and Jamie? Best friends. Mmmhmm.

You know I read somewhere that women who only have orgasm with the assistance of a toy gives their man a complex. Ask your hubby what he has to say about that. Jamie he don't care as long as I'm into it he's good to go.

That's a lot of information y'all didn't need to know, but I don't feel like backspacing so take it.

Monday, September 10, 2007 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I had a similar thing happen to me once when I was about 12, only the thing wasn't a dolphin and I darn near did get electrocuted!

Long live the new dolphin! :D

abtfy

Monday, September 10, 2007 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

hey I am sorry for the demise...
saying a small prayer.

Monday, September 10, 2007 6:19:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

you really should warn a girl what sort of direction this post is going before it gets there. I was drinking a Peels, which by the way, are kind of hard to come by *snicker* in this neck of the woods, and there was a point in this post when I actually spit it (thankfully not thru my nose) onto my monitor. I've never been a fan of the rollercoaster myself, but that split second before you fall has always been my favorite part. It's that feeling of falling that I hate, however...I'd be mighty irritable if I weren't able to complete that fall.....

I've been mighty irritable lately. Perhaps I need to shop at Amazon...

Stacie

Monday, September 10, 2007 7:38:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

FTN - Kudos to you for not knowing what to say, but being the first to bust a comment. The goal was, of course, to get you to think of roller coasters in an entirely new light. Soon, I will own you...

Desmond - Des picks up the ball and runs with the happy salutations there. I dig it!

Suffice to say that while I'll never buy a book on Amazon, I have other interesing obsessions beyond cute blue dolphins, batteries and diet mt. dew. But honestly, those three things pretty much make my world go 'round.

Phyllis - Yikes! Um, I'm pretty well stressed out over these past couple weeks and I have days left. I don't know that I could cope! Well, I mean, I *could* cope. It's not like I'm some mad freak for it, but geez...Science needs to get on this immediately!

Cat - Thanks for prying thru your cute fingers to post a comment nonetheless! Ha! Oh, dear, dear girl. There is a world of treasures and delights to be had on Amazon. I just mostly like the ones that buzz. Dive right in and browse and you'll be watching those soap commercials wide and proud in no time!

kimmyk - Oh, belive me, my friend. I've my eye on a little treasure at the old AdamandEve.com! I mean, *just* my eye. For now. But it will be mine. Oh yes. It will be.

In my efforts to be a wise consumer, I bargained shop my purchases between Amazon and Adam & Eve and got the best deal at Amazon. Alas, the damn things probably would have been here by now and this post would have taken an entirely different tone had I ordered from the latter. This is what being married to a comparison shopper has led me to.

That comparison shopper I'm married to was with me when we adopted the first dolphin, so he, too, is good to go if I'm good to go. He's probably good to go with the number of times I'm good to go without him, too.

Here's where I should backspace, but eh, that dolphin pretty much cowrites my blog, so here I go...

Nan - You've intrigued me, my sweets. Between our other ramblings, we can discuss! You may just have to yell a little louder for me in the coming days once this package arrives!

And agreed (ha!) "Vive la dolphin!"

Ed - Ha! All prayers accepted. When I talk to God after my package arrives, I'll be sure to thank him for the props given me!

Stacie - Oh, I've been doing some beverage spurting out in the world today, too. Hope you didn't harm anything. The trick is to keep a hand free to catch!

Um, but now it sounds like my comment back to you is taking on an entirely different tone, and perhaps I should have warned you for real! Ha!

Get thee to Amazon. Or to kk's suggestion. Get thee now. If you need a suggestion of 12, just let me know! Cures that irritability right up. At least for 15 to 30 minutes!

Monday, September 10, 2007 11:41:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

If only I'd gotten here sooner.. I could have told you to go for the rabbit.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 8:12:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

heather - Everyone sings me the praises of the rabbit, but goodness! There are SOOOO many to choose from! If I'm gonna jump in and get one - and I want one, no question! - then I must know which is the best!

Thanks for your visit, too! I've been to your site from Kimmy's and my God! I'll so be back. A lot. Don't think me a stalker. Hope you pass thru here again, too!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

We should def do some e-shopping together. Rabbits here we come!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 7:35:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Heather - I'm willing to accept the fact that rabbits breed like crazy. Thus, if there were more than one that would be a stellar inclusion, I'm open to suggestions!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 1:56:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

one thing you are anal about.... LOL

Thursday, September 13, 2007 11:09:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

RS - Thanks for picking that line up. Or for at least being the one who steps up and calls me out on it...

Thursday, September 13, 2007 10:54:00 PM  

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