'if you think it's cheap or a bit risque...'

if you've come here today hoping i give you a little insight into how i spend my weekends, today's your lucky day! scoot up closer to the computer. this might be fun.

there. all settled now? can you see there in the back? i know you're whispering to each other, wondering if the dolphin or any of its pals came out to play. so you can focus, i'll tell you that friday they earned an extra recess.

now all eyes up front.

fabulous.

i'm going to skip over the boring parts (that would include, in part, me doing laundry and transforming into a zombie while at target, truly just pulling stuff off the toy shelves because i'm at a loss at this point in the month. ah, this mommy can't freakin' wait to play game after mind-numbing game of monopoly).

friday was a work night, where i discovered it is possible to be among heathens at a normally staid bookstore.

i also got to pull out the 'you're so gonna wish i was a nicer person' eyes on a couple of 12 year old boys giggling at a kama sutra book when i rounded the corner of the sexuality section of our store. they handed them over to me silently when i politely asked if there was something i could recommend to them. that method beats the times we have to fish out, with gloved hands, the sex books men take into the bathroom stalls to do with what they may.

deep down, every man must be a giggling 12 year old boy seeing two-dimensional breasts for the third time.

my intent at shooing the pre-teens away really wasn't to embarrass them (had they stuck around, i'd have suggested they'd learn more from the internet and would be able to forego that pesky "reading" aspect of learning about sex).

i purely wanted them gone because i had some of my own shopping to do.

want to know what i bought? dying to know how i spent a portion of my saturday afternoon?

that's right, baby. i'm practicing the fine art of strip tease while prancing through my house on my weekend afternoons alone. you may recall i like to employ that that cute little ankle grab from time to time.

imagine my surprise to discover there was a pole dancing move called the kick ass! here's a quick how-to: stretch out those girly curves with your back barely touching the pole and your hands above your head to grasp it. transfer all your weight onto your right foot and lift your left up off the floor and pull it tight to your chest. now kick out your left leg and slowly move down the pole to the floor, never letting your back touch the pole.

even a girly girl has to get her kicks! pity i can't demonstrate it for you.

and to get more bang for my buck, "the housewife's guide to practical striptease" comes with a trio of assorted flavored lubricants, so it's economical as well as practical in ways beyond the obvious honing of the sexy walk while vacuuming. like shopping with a 'get one free' coupon!

and yes, i used the vacuum as my makeshift prop. the title of the book does include the word "practical" afterall. plus it was efficient. the family room really did need to be cleaned.

so that's a taste of how i spent my weekend. i did pull out a couple gleaned moves on the husband sunday, so it wasn't a totally boring 48 hours. it's a work in progress, and if what i can learn from 'the housewife's guide...' gets him to clean the bathrooms for a little reward, these books are going to pay for themselves in no time.

if not, i'll fight the 12 year old boys for a copy of the kama sutra the next time i'm scheduled to work.

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ah, but before i go, i'd be remiss not to commend you all for your willingness to jump on board that haiku challenge. i fully intended to reward you all with your own haiku in response, but mother what a lover, you wore me out. i was spent after pulling out something for savage and ftn. (who no doubt should hold onto those for auctioning or autographs when i'm named poet laureate). i give all of you an 'a'!