...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, September 17, 2007

an open letter:

  • To my neighbor - Your wind chimes are lovely. Between the hours of 10 a.m. and 10 p.m., I quite appreciate the veritable symphony of pleasure wafting through my open windows as I enjoy the subtle hint of fall you must not be enjoying because your windows are sealed tight and the air conditioner still running. Thus, you're being denied the magic coming from your 10 wind chimes of various sizes and depth of tone. Between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m., your wind chimes take on an entirely different scope in my brain. Perhaps I'll pound on your door at 2 a.m., 3 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. (for good measure) and we can stand outside together and enjoy while I share with you my evening disdain.
  • To my husband and sons - It's a reasonably large hole made even bigger by the lifting of the seat, so why do you all have such a difficult time hitting the target? Do you think it's a pleasure ride for me to come in after you and discover your poor sense of direction when I sit down? Are you smirking outside the door as I mumble nasty words and wiggle away from the offending puddles? Not cool. Perhaps eliminating the 'dick flick' at the end of the routine would lessen the chances you have for missing the hole entirely. Besides, I've never seen the value in it anyway.
  • To my husband again -That other thing is also a reasonably easy to find hole. 'Nuff said?
  • To the Powers That Be at the bookstore - Sure, it beats a month of John Denver or Carly Simon, but I swear to you, if I hear Hide and Seek on average of seven times in a six hour shift over the course of the next two months (which, it appears, we're on track for), I will lose it. A perfect freakin' meltdown. Seriously.
  • To Me - Hey baby! Have I told you how hard you rock? Yeah? Let me tell you again. You rock so hard. Hold onto the magic, baby! I'd so do you. What's that? I have done you? Heh. Well then, allow me to compliment you on how you've addressed the topic of, well, you know, here at the old "...for a different kind of girl" without once using the proper name for it! So cute! Besides, I know you like it when I call it "riding the unicycle."
  • To Ann and Nancy Wilson - Yeah, just wanted to say thanks for Magic Man and its perfect companion piece, Barracuda. I might be Crazy On You two wacky gurls lately.
  • Parents who bring their kids to the bookstore rather than put them down for naps they desperately want and/or need - Good call. Great times. Thanks for letting them run like rabid spider monkeys in the children's department, tearing out books I've spent the previous four hours shelving by author's name or subject. Not as easy as it sounds. Don't let the ease with which I do it fool you. And don't think I'm particularly enjoying it to the soundtrack of Hide and Seek, either. Oh, and when you finally go on a monkey hunt and yell the kid's name over and over, there's probably a reason why they don't respond right away. It's because they're hanging out behind the column on the stage and working their way through a raging bout of diarrhea. Fabulous. If we're all lucky, I'll only be left with the heady perfume of your lingering visit when you finally leave, a trail of Berenstein Bears books, stuffed animals, and god, hopefully nothing else, in your wake.

Sincerely,

Me (still rock, baby!), who barely survived Monday and is a smidge fearful for what Tuesday brings...

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16 Comments:

Blogger Nanette said...

Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before.

uwlsprdwdr

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 2:18:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone...

Mornin' FADKOG-I've been up since 5am because my neighbors dog has been barking. I'm surprised I heard him over their stupid wind chimes...

Are you on the other side of my neighbor?

Wouldn't you like to be...my neighbor?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 4:38:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

See, DKG, you and Molly share the same space (altho, I swear I'm not the offending party!) - leaving the toilet seat down is as much of a problem, if not more, than leaving it up. Especially with boys under the age of 10 in the house. . .

And you don't have to worry, you're doin' fine. . .

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 8:52:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

And now because of this post, I must abandon my dreams of becoming a unicycle-riding carnival clown.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 9:40:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

As for the wind chimes, dear neighbor, I only have two in front and three in the back. They're very small and merely "tinkle" when the wind blows. Really. Though I am considering purchasing one of those church-bell sounding ones just because those deep tones kind of turn me on. But I will take your words under advisement and try to remember to silence the chimes when there are high winds in the forcast.

Oh, btw, plastic wrap over that big hole in the bathroom is just the thing to teach those guys a lesson. Believe me, I had five brothers. I feel your pain.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger sue said...

I can relate on many levels... ;)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

:-) I'm an instigator at heart. The saran wrap is one way....offer the boys a cookie every time they sit down to pee. That might irk your husband enough to fix the whole problem, pun intended. :-)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 3:35:00 PM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

i don't have that problem with my hub because he is a lazy ass and pees sitting down. instead, i have the "what the fuck are pubes doing on the toilet seat?!" problem. yeah, i'm serious.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 11:10:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

Oh man I hated that! every time my kids left splatter in the bathroom I handed them the clorox spray and paper towels...Hell, I didn't pee on the seat, why should I clean it up? They're pretty good now, but I refuse to share a bathroom with them these days and they still have to clean their own...
I love windchimes, but it takes me awhile to get used to them...sometimes they can be annoying as all hell.
Stacie

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 7:47:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

ouch. To your husband. On the second one.
Here is a quote:
"if sex is a pain in the ass, you are doing it wrong."

I can't believe I just said that.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:23:00 AM  
Blogger Chag said...

I still haven't forgiven Ann Wilson. And I like to pretend Clerks II never happened, so thanks for that reminder.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - MMMM whatcha say? Trains and sewing machines? Crop circles in the carpet? Wha? I have no idea what you're talking about.

ah, the sweeping insensitivity

thzmicnu

kimmyk - Ok, it's been hanging here on the fringes, but now? Now that you didn't quote from that god awful "All I Wanna Do....(is come up with the longest, lamest song title) song by Heart, I officially love you. That's ok, right? Trust me. I'm good to have around. I'm a nice girl in the kitchen, but boy, watch out for me in the blog world!

I could *totally* be your neighbor. But I'm kind of antisocial on my block, so that probably explains why we've never met. I'll wave next time I pull into the garage and immediately shut the garage door, K?

Oh, who am I kidding. I love you! I'll be over to hang out and bitch catty about the neighbors!

FTN - The clown thing? Still could do it. You could just make balloon animals instead. Alas, I could bust out a phrase that would ruin that one. Hmm. Next option? Oh! Drive that little car around.

No. Can't do that. I have another phrase where that's involved. Ok. Cannon. You could get fired out of a cannon.

Wait. Nope...

Hmmm. Sorry to be dashing all your dreams lately!

Phyllis - As a good neighbor, were it me with this vast and impressive collection of wind chimes my neighbor has, I'd kindly take them down each night. Or move them under my own bedroom window. Sigh. I'm really a nice person, but dang! I need to sleep!

Being a nice person, however, doesn't preclude me from going the saran wrap route. My fear, however, is how my lack of sleep is making me forgetful, and thus, I'd plop down and be foiled by my own dasterdly doing!

Sue - Good to know! The bad part? If this was just an open letter to my husband who suddenly loved windchimes and walked around destroying my love of Barricuda while making a dash to the bathroom.

Well, I could be worse. It's very possible such a thing has actually happened to me!

CCD - Ha! This news that you're an instigator is shocking to me! Ha! The whole saran wrap thing, while it has it's obvious merits, would likely result in me just having to do more work. That can't happen!

you da mom! - Dear God in heaven. Believe me, I know of what you speak and I feel your pain. Gah. Sometimes I feel like I've walked into that bathroom scene in Trainspotting.

Stacie - I honestly think every penis-bearing person in my house waits until the very last second to run to the bathroom and is thus all willy-nilly (um, no pun intended, but I'm keeping it in there!) when they finally go. Therefore, they're haphazard, and, unfortunately, so relieved to be done they run out to continue whatever it was that prompted them to hold it so long in the first place. Thus, leaving me to discover it. And then? Yeah. No one wants to claim the foul mess later. Nice.

I fear I will never get used to wind chimes. I have one set outside my front door, but they are so pointless, I think the wind mocks them and doesn't cause them to chime!

RS - So, um, yeah. NOT the hole I was referring to. However, in the spirit of there's only so much I can share around here, I ain't gonna say anything more about that quote, mister.

Chag - I had to work through some issues with Ann. I mean, I really laid into her about that "All I Wanna Do...." song. I was all "Didn't you learn anything from 'Almost Paradise'?" We both cried and I figured we were on good ground again. Sorry you two were never able to work things out.

I've actually never seen Clerks II. Like you, I gave it a pass when I heard it was being made because it so is like the bastard stepchild of the original. I mean WTF?

Alas, I'm on a Buffalo Bill kick lately, so, well, forgive me...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

DESMOND!!! - GAH! How did I forget you?!

Um, ok, it was because the phone rang. My dad. He likes to call early. Dude, I am *not* an early morning phone talker! Look what it makes me do!?

My thought is those the men/boys of the house should cater, at least a little bit, to the women. Thus, that seat should always be down and sparkly! Women are the nurturers. Do we not at least deserve that?! Ha!

Oh, who am I kidding? Besides, you've charmed me with the Crazy On You singing!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:52:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Whew! I am so glad you remembered me. I was getting all ready with a pouty little comment, in which I was standing by the curb, wilting flowers in hand. . .

See, when I was growing up, my mom and my sisters didn't think it was any big deal, if the seat was up, to just put it down before they did their business. Our whole family just ran on a 'if it's not where you want it, put it where you want it' paradigm. So, I've never fully understood the rage that I hear from most women about toilet seats left up. Bad toilet training, I guess. . . (nyuk!) And, like I said, Molly thinks it's MUCH worse when the 5-year-old pees on the seat, so I guess my perspective has been skewed. . .

And, that power-guitar riff from 'Crazy On You' is just one of my all-time favorites. Besides which, once in a blue moon, Molly will take that song as her Anthem for the Night. . . Oh, yeah. . .

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

hey babe... another wonderful post... huggggggggg miss you and that awesome rack.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Desmond - Sigh, if that paradigm was in practice in my house, I'd be blogging about how happy I am all the time, how I swear it is I hear the birds singing directly at me (because they use my name in song) and that I was super rich, but not snotty about it.

Instead, I'm soon to depart for my low paying (but woot! raise this week!) job, where people such as the above will lounge while I toil. This irks me a bit, because honestly, I could be home, kicking ass on "Crazy On You" on the Guitar Hero 2.

Guess there really is nothing left to do tonight (or this a.m. Details. Details).

Ed - You're always too kind! The rack is doing well in rehab. Had a few touch and go moments in therapy where it didn't want to participate. Skipped doing a couple journal assignments and taking responsibility for her actions, but she seems to be trudging along nicely now. I'll pass on word

Thursday, September 20, 2007 8:34:00 AM  

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